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@savannahf-blog
On the Road Agaaaaiiiinnnn
As of 5am EST Wednesday, August 17, I will be out of this bum town and back to where I need to be. Finally! Posts may become more awesome as time progresses, and perhaps I may start another one just to post awesome things. Who knows. Love you all, and I bid you adieu.
Awww yeah.
Omfg. A month?
Alright, well now that I'm been 'blogging' semi-regularly for over a month, I guess it's time to amp it up a little. Less words and more pictures and fun things. Woooo! It is nice to use something like this as a diary of sorts; but I want to share what I do, what I know, and what I like with everyone. :) Have a sparkly day!
Avoidance
Avoiding people is a very difficult thing to achieve. I know I shouldn’t want to do it, but there are just so many people that I don’t have the desire to talk to. If it wasn’t for this crazy social media stuff, it would be so much easier to divulge plans and whereabouts to only certain people. If it wasn’t for the fact that I move around a lot and need to keep in touch with others, I don’t think I would even have an account anywhere.
The things I would do to them...
Kina Grannis - The One You Say Goodnight To
From the album, Stairwells (2011) Buy It Here
Disclaimer: I do not own this music, and all rights belong to the artist and/or publishing company. I am simply promoting a product that I enjoy in hopes that others will find it fitting to their tastes and/or desires and will purchase the product on their own freewill.
I am thoroughly satisfied with this purchase. I am also ready to make friends with my friends' parents.
Mela-WHAT?
Okay. So, I'm not over my ex seeing someone else. We're still best friends, but this kills me. I used to be the one he called all the time. I used to be the one he would turn to. I feel as if I have been replaced. I figure because I don't enjoy the taste of alcohol, I can't develop a heavy bout of alcoholism. I don't want to begin a drug habit and eventually end up on a grungy episode of Intervention, either. This all happened a little after I tried to adjust my sleeping pattern by taking melatonin. Melatonin just happens to give me vivid dreams and a feeling that my dreams are the only place I can go to have things go my way. I really enjoy the idea of sleeping because I can ignore what is happening in the 'real' world, and control some aspect of my dreams. The only thing is, waiting out the day. I feel as if I am wasting my entire life by just waiting to fall asleep the next night. A little part of me hopes I die soon. At least I wouldn't have as much heartbreak as I do right now. If I died, I wouldn't have heart 'break'; I'd have heart 'stop' and that would be that. Maybe I should take a comedy class to meet some people. Maybe I should be less moody and depressing and possibly. I would talk to someone. I wish I knew someone that was as moody and depressed as myself, but still thinks kittens are cute. I just want to live a life where I can do what I want, when I want - but I do want to share it with someone else. It's just hard to tell people that you are a depressed, highly anxious, borderline OCD. That tends to not go over well.
Why Must I Fiddle?!
So the disc drive on my laptop has been grinding for a while, and I was curious to why it must do such a thing. I started to take the computer apart and to my amazement (I say this is a sarcastic tone because I wasn't surprised this was going to happen at all), I broke it. The cords connecting my power button to the overall board thing - take pity on my technical ignorance, please - tore out of where it was supposed to be.
I am now forced to download the live stand-up comedy shows I had frequently streamed from my laptop hard-drive. I spent a little over an hour obtaining and burning Lee Mack's Going Out and Simon Amstell's Do Nothing, just so I have something to watch in the absence of cable. Speaking of, I am starting to think that Simon Amstell may be the smartest person I have heard from in a very, very long time. During the end of the show, he speaks of choosing love over fear and that we cannot change other people, we can just change our perception of them. I talked to my ex-boyfriend last evening. I think a part of me needed to hear what he had to say about the situation in order to gain some closure. He told me that he loves me, but not like that. He did preface that with, "Don't take this the wrong way, but...", so I can't really say I was surprised. I think I needed to confirm his feelings so I stopped creating scenarios in my head and imagining a time in which things went my way. Even though I did feel the way I did a few days ago, I needed permission to move on. I can't change the story, I can only drop that story and create a new one.
Maybe it is a good thing that I broke my computer. I have to get out there and write myself a story.
Reading.
I think I'm going to make an effort to think a little more. I tend to have bits and bites of advice and smart words but they tend to be blanketed in sarcasm. Perhaps I should read more to increase my vocabulary and semi-know what I am talking about half the time. If I want to either sound educated or make jokes with any merit at all, I should start reading. Maybe I will start to track the books I have been reading in order to discuss with others. Maybe I should join a book club. I could buy tiny reading glasses (I need them anyways) and learn to enjoy wine. Oh! Better yet, I could just read what Oprah tells me to read. That will work out well. She's a successful African-American woman; I'm a non successful (if you call staying at your mother's house on occasion because you need a place to stay a success) white semi-middle class 20-something young lady. I guess I should start reading.
The Grapes of Wrath - The Most
From the album, Now and Again (1989) Buy It Here
Disclaimer: I do not own this music, and all rights belong to the artist and/or publishing company. I am simply promoting a product that I enjoy in hopes that others will find it fitting to their tastes and/or desires and will purchase the product on their own freewill.
Simon Amstell on his obsession with Jared Leto.
From the DVD, Do Nothing Buy It Here
Disclaimer: I do not own this clip, and all rights belong to the artist and/or publishing company. I am simply promoting a product that I enjoy in hopes that others will find it fitting to their tastes and/or desires and will purchase the product on their own freewill.
Oh, Hi. I Haven't Seen You in a While.
Depression. I honestly haven't seen you in quite a while. It all started when my ex-boyfriend (one of my best friends, and someone I can talk to about anything and he will never, ever judge me) told me that he had been seeing someone. Let's get this straight. We broke up because I needed time to find out who I was and what I needed in my life. I was 19 when we met and 21 when we broke up. He was 22 when we met and already had the life experiences I had yet to experience. We shared the same apartment for a little over a year and I have to say it was the best year I have had thus far. I found myself not only enjoying his company, but falling in love with him. He encouraged me to go back to school and get an education. I was accepted into a program at a school 16 hours away. While I never did doubt my drive to go to school, I was scared at what would happen to our relationship. I was in school for a few months and thought it was right for us to end our relationship. In hindsight, I think it was because I was in college by myself, and wanted to experience all college had to offer without the 'burden' of having a boyfriend. I came home for Christmas and ended things with him, but we never stopped talking or seeing each other (in a non-sexual manner). I'm starting to think that because we never did stop talking, I never had those 'break-up' feelings. Time passes, and I am off to school once again. We still talk, and we still know that we love each other (a fact that to my knowledge will never go away). This brings me to the present. As I am sitting in my room typing this out and listening to Simon Amstell's DVD Do Nothing (I wish I could, Mr. Amstell), I am wrestling with the notion of my ex-boyfriend with another person. I told him that I was okay with it, but isn't that what I am supposed to say? What else could I possibly have said? That I am devastated that he has moved on; or is pretending to? That I am completely heartbroken and terrified that I will never have the chance to be with him again? That I made a mistake, and should have told him how much he meant to me sooner? I don't know what to think, do, or say. I want to tell him that I miss him. I want to tell him that I love him more that we have gotten to know each other outside of our 'dating relationship'. That I want to be his girlfriend; that I want to be the only one in his adoring eyesight. I think this is the feeling of either regret, remorse, or the ultimate 'break-up'. I haven't eaten one thing today. I can't being myself to open my mouth and physically chew anything. I had a protein shake in order justify my actions. I'm told there are 'plenty of fish in the sea', but I'm not interested in fishing for them. I didn't break things off because I wanted to see someone else. I broke it off for selfish reasons, and regret every single one of them. I may just have to stay content with having him in my life in any capacity. If that's the case, someone might want to tell my tears.
Multiple Post Alert!
I figure I could just separate unrelated posts by creating a thousand of them in a day. Don't like it? Deal with it. I figure I could actually start eating properly and working out. The only way I will succeed is if I am silently competing with a friend or the girl on the treadmill next to me at the gym, and if I am 100% open with what I am trying to accomplish. I have Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred that I am going to try out tonight. I hope it isn't anything like 'exercise' and hopefully it's more like 'fun'. We'll see.
Tom Hooper - Same Old Me
From the album, The Unexplored Cosmos (2002) Buy It Here
Disclaimer: I do not own this music, and all rights belong to the artist and/or publishing company. I am simply promoting a product that I enjoy in hopes that others will find it fitting to their tastes and/or desires and will purchase the product on their own freewill.
And in comes July.
July has now come despite the foggy weather hindering much of the Canada Day festivities last night. I am in my hometown for the summer months as I collect my thoughts and things before school resumes in early September.
Things I learned by coming back to my hometown instead of living in a different city: My family needs me. I take the friends I have for granted. I should have gotten a job when I got here. Breaking up with my ex was a mistake. (But then again, I continuously lie to myself and say that it's for the best). I dislike hot weather. I shouldn't have come back.
At least I had some realizations, or else this summer would have been a complete waste. I am so prone to depression that one little action or word sets off a flurry of negative emotions. Thank god I don't drink or else I would spend the rest of the month in ICU. Although, there is still the entire month left.
