Sæglópur

The journey of a lost soul. Trying to rediscover myself, one day at a time. "This is your time, so fly away and chase all your dreams. Remember life is like a play; you must act each scene with passion, embracing and enjoying the part. If you should ever get lost along the way, look to the stars, take a deep breath, and follow your heart."

[pocahontes]

I used to think it was mere homesickness, then I started getting it at home.

John Lennon   (via save-this-sinking-ship)

[save-this-sinking-ship]

What do you do when you feel you won't ever make it back to happiness?

[save-this-sinking-ship]

I am really just so sad I am so sad

[save-this-sinking-ship]

Do you ever want to go somewhere, all alone, and just scream? Just scream it all out?

[save-this-sinking-ship]

Sometimes, on the bad nights, I lie in bed and just grip onto the sheets as hard as I can. To ground myself. Prevent me from falling. Sometimes it feels like the only thing holding me here. Like letting go of these sheets means letting go of everything. But it's nights like these that falling doesn't seem so bad.

[save-this-sinking-ship]

The days are getting shorter, and I am terrified.

[save-this-sinking-ship]

The Things You Told Me

10/06/15, 3:45PM YOU: I get what you’re saying. And this probably how you felt for a long time. I can’t apologize enough. But I don’t want us to be a lesson. I don’t want to take it somewhere else for someone else. I want you. I want to be your best friend not your ex. I just don’t want this to end. And I’m sorry if you got something going on right now and I should fall back but it’s how I honestly feel. I’m not over it.

ME: I forgave you some time ago - I don’t hate you, I’m not upset. All that I said earlier did not come from a place of pain or anger, nor did I say those things out of spite. I don’t think you understand, I didn’t want this to happen. But I spent so much time trying to make sure things didn’t end up this way… I felt like I was the only one trying to hold us together and I got tired of fighting. I got tired of being so sad and confused all the time. It wasn’t healthy. The love didn’t feel good anymore. I had to decide whether the relationship was worth sacrificing my happiness. And I had to realize that I deserve a man who makes an effort to show that he loves and appreciates me, and values my presence in his life.

ME: I don’t know why I’m getting this now, after I begged for a year and never heard anything like what you just told me… but it’s too late for us. I care for you, but I don’t have it in me to fight for us anymore. I need to move on.

YOU: You’re right. And it did take too long. I don’t know what I’m asking for. Or what I’m doing. But I needed. In all honesty I probably still need time. I recognized the worth of it all from the jump. And I still don’t think I deserve or you to put up with it anymore. It took a talk with my mom realize it. She told me about how she and my old step dad used to be. How he was coked out and she put up with it and I only saw the fighting. I only saw mess and I never wanted to do that someone so I took that in. Get out before it gets worse. I don’t know how to fix relationships. I don’t know how to make one work. But you taught me that sometimes you have to just do it. Make it work. I put you through so much shit and I understand why you feel you do. I still don’t know how to make an effort or what to do but if you have a goal you do something about it. I can’t change what I did or how I made you feel. All I know is I can’t lose you. Maybe it was the time apart. Maybe it’s just that I got some things rolling in my life. Or cause you’re probably leaving next year. Or I just need closure. I just know that this isn’t a priority. It’s a lense to everything. Like an augmentation. When it’s bad it’s still OK but when it’s good there’s nothing else. And I’ve been learning this all from you since day 1

ME: What exactly are you asking of me

YOU: I’m not sure. I just don’t want us to exit each other’s lives. Is that too awkwardly vague?

10/07/15, 7:17AM ME: I don’t feel the same way about you or about us anymore, I don’t want this. I’m sorry.

YOU: **** please. I want to make up for those nights. I’m not asking you to put in work. Just to let me. I don’t how much has changed in how I think about this but I’m saying all this despite the same objections

ME: That’s the reason things didn’t work out before. The objections. We couldn’t agree on what we wanted from one another. Those issues haven’t gone away. We disagree on some very fundamental things and I don’t think you realize the sheer amount of work and effort it would take to bridge that gap, on both sides. At the end of the day, we are two different people who want very, very different things from our relationships. And that is fine, it just means we aren’t right for one another. I want to have a healthy, happy love life. I want that for you too. And I think the best way for that to happen is for us to find people who are ready and willing to meet us halfway.

ME: I just don’t understand where this is coming from. I told you that when I finally left, it wasn’t going to be some ploy to get you to miss me or to get you to realize that you had a good thing with me. I don’t play games. I said that if I leave, it would be because I was done, and that’s it. I’m confused as to why, knowing that, you wait until now to say all of this.

YOU: I get what you’re saying. I’m saying this all now because I know this might be my last chance. I know you’re serious and it’s not some ploy. That’s not w ho you are. I just don’t want to lose you. I’m learning I have to do what needs to be done to get what I want. And I want to give you a happy life. I kep t justifying not by telling myself I can’t and have to let it go but what I want is to do right by you. Idk if giving up before giving my all is the best  option. I’m not sure how to do it  but I need to do something. And I know you got something going on and I’m being the worst possible person right now but I have to say it. This isn’t something I want to lose

YOU: Just go out with me at least one last time. Nothing too much just us out

[wild-penguin]

Visit Original Link

[dismantledmydisguise]

[who-am-i-in-this-space]

I dreamt about us just now.

Actually, it wasn’t just about us; it was us.  Your face, my face… everything. We were so in love that we would do anything, even hurt the people around us, just to be together. 

But we were cursed. It was impossible to be away from each other, because the moment one stepped away from the other, we would both begin to die. As if that wasn’t enough, the moment we decided we were forever, we began falling out of love. Not all in an instant, but that slow, excruciating ache of two people that once loved each other finally growing apart.  You stayed with me for years, by my side, afraid to let go and see the love of your life wither. You tried so hard to hold on to the love you had for me, as we lay in bed, your arms closed tightly around my body, afraid to pull them away. But you couldn’t hold on, not really, anyway. Our curse caught up with us. You held me as I died. Because even though you were right next to me, you weren’t mine anymore. And it was killing me.

[who-am-i-in-this-space]

You're both going to hate me after this but I can no longer afford to give a fuck.

I’m tired of keeping my mouth shut. I’m tired of feeling guilty, scared to open my mouth on my own damn blog because I’m too afraid of losing people. But I need to learn to speak my mind, and if the people in my life can’t handle it, they probably shouldn’t be there.

So I’m going to tell you both exactly what’s on my mind. And if EITHER of you guys’ groupies are reading this at the moment, then I’m so sorry, but it’s not my problem; they should probably learn to mind their damn business anyways.

Let’s start with you. I am pissed at the both of us right now, honestly. You for everything that happened, and me for letting you make me feel guilty for not wanting to be with you. But that’s not fair. It’s not fair to throw it in my face that everyone deserves a second chance when you know damn well I have every reason to protect myself. But now I know that this probably wouldn’t work. After you told your friend what happened when I asked you not to, and then you told ANOTHER friend, I didn’t say a word. When I saw how easy it was for you to drop a girl and move on to the next without feeling a damn thing, I kept quiet. When I asked you a simple question, and you replied with a two-page text message outright lying to my face, I still kept my mouth shut. But today… today was when I hit that point of realization. You haven’t even told the truth to the girl you were with for the better part of two years, who still wants to be with you more than anything… you let her pine away at you, thinking you’re the image of perfection… when you haven’t even given her a well-deserved apology that she doesn’t even know she deserves. You tell me you would never lie to me or cheat or keep things from me, but how am I supposed to believe you when you’re still lying to the girls in your past? How can you blame me for wanting to protect myself from that. You told me you were a bit of a heartbreaker, and honestly, I never saw it until now. And I REFUSE to end up like any of those girls. I’m honestly starting to think that you only like me because I didn’t submit to your charms… that would explain why you seemed more angry than upset when I told you I didn’t want to be with you. Should’ve believed me when I told you I was nothing like those other girls.

And now, for you. I was not the reason that our relationship ended. You were. You took every chance to hurt me, it seems… and now we’re back at square one, and I feel like I’m the one paying for your mistakes. I did nothing but love you for nearly two and a half years, and you know that. If you want me in your life, I’m not trying anymore, it’s your turn. You either give me what I deserve or you can get the fuck out.

As for the groupies, well hello. I know who each and every one of you are, though, of course, none of you have ever dared to say a word to me. But just a tip? Usually when you stalk someone’s blog as much as you stalk mine, it’s common courtesy to at least follow.

You all have a good night.

[who-am-i-in-this-space]

Not everything is about you.

I don’t know how many times I’m going to have to say that.

Though the 12am thing was with you in mind. I understand that you’re busy. I’M busy. But if I can’t do something I said I would, I tell that person and apologize. So of course I didn’t call you back. You’re so used to that. “Bree is so patient, she won’t mind if I blow her off just ONE more time.” I told you over and over again not to take my patience for granted. You did.

But besides that, I’m going through a particularly rough break-up, losing friends left and right, fighting my own demons, among other things. Bigger things than someone not calling/texting me.

Sure, we’re friends. Or used to be. I don’t know. But that doesn’t mean that everything I do, say, or think is about you. I do have a life. And I’ve told you this before, but it’s kind of offensive when you automatically assume that you’re the only one there for me or causing problems. Because that’s not true. And I am NOT the kind of person to make my entire life about someone, and you know that.

I’m really not even sure why we’re doing this right now considering when I didn’t talk to you last week, I wasn’t talking to ANYONE. But after that, we just didn’t talk. Still, nothing personal, and I’m sorry if it offended you, but it’s what I needed. And I’m not going to apologize for that. But it definitely didn’t warrant whatever the hell this is.

No one is ‘bothered’ right now, don’t be so quick to think that all this is about you, because that’s not true, and all the arrogant bullshit is beginning to piss me off. So no, I don’t need you to call or text me, because I don’t need you. I don’t need ANYONE, and don’t you ever think that I do.

[save-this-sinking-ship]

If I could, I’d cut through the cables and cords, but I’d never be able - my knifes at the table with Yours.

[save-this-sinking-ship]

Every now and then I think about Ryan, or I think about Andrew... it was such a bittersweet time. I was so lost and unsure of everything and a little miserable, but I felt it all. Nowadays, I just let everything stew and fester until it all boils over and drowns me in the burning drink.

[save-this-sinking-ship]

The self-loathing comes in waves, until it swallows me right up.

[save-this-sinking-ship]

We were so optimistic, It was so easy to be. We were young and naïve. We'll be fine in the morning. We'll be fine in the morning.

[save-this-sinking-ship]

I sent this today.

I have been thinking a lot about the other night. I was happy because I wanted to believe that we could work things out. I've always wanted to believe that. But there are so many holes in our logic. One... you said that we have our issues but we work things out as a couple. But the thing is, we aren't a couple. And why would we be when you already have everything you could want in a relationship without having a title. I hate that. I hate feeling like I'm not good enough for you to claim. Two... we have been going back and forth about me feeling unloved and unappreciated for months now and we always say we'll work on it. But we stay the same. I was thinking back to this time last summer, reading that letter I wrote you the night we broke up. Back when I was fighting for your attention and fighting to be loved and appreciated and fighting for you to care about our relationship. Nothing has changed. Three... You tell me all the time that it's just something you have to learn to do - to love, to appreciate, to show affection. I'm beginning to realize that those are all things you have to learn on your own. Because I don't know how else to make you see and love what's right in front of you. I don't know how else to prove my worth to you. I'm tired. I love romance, I love feeling like I mean the world to someone. I love knowing that I'm loved. I don't get those things from you and I'm starting to think that you don't want to give them to me. When I talk to you about it, the subject is always evaded or attributed to something simple. Like when I really wanted to talk about what we were going to do to liven things up between us and you kept saying 'another time'. Or when you said it's hard to feel close to me because we don't have sex anymore and that's when you feel the most loving or the most sparks. Hearing that you thought the void in our relationship was due to a lack of sex or money made me realize how trivial this all must be to you... And four... you said it yourself. I'm as excited about you now as I was the day I met you. I fall in love with another piece of you every single day. Every day is like new for me. I wish that I knew how it felt, to have someone feel that way about me. I have hesitated to say these things for so long because I was scared of losing you, but I'm realizing that I haven't had you for a while now. I'm not entirely sure I ever did. I hate that we couldn't learn how to be together or learn to love each other the way we should. I wanted to, I really did. But I don't think I have it in me to try anymore. I'm sorry.