Today I've learned that the year I'm trying so desperately to get away from (2011) is the year that my mind seems to be stuck in. Not only do memories come back twice as strong during bad days, seemingly repetetive 2011 days, but I write "2011" on important papers and end up having to scratch out.
I've learned that I'm a hell of a lot weaker than I think I am. When I am reminded of my weaknesses I always pull back to 2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, My power is made perfect in weakness." Everytime I go back to that, I learn new perspectives on that verse. Isn't it funny how a verse can mean something to you one day and then something almost totally different the next? That's for a different blog post though. I learned that I pretend to be strong. I put a smile on to simply "bear" my pain rather than work through it. I mask it-- then it comes back stronger. But not in 2012. This is MY year.
Most importantly, I've learned that hard days are relevant to who a person becomes and very REAL. I stand between two friends... two friends who have only met each other today, but are alike to me in so many ways. Two friends that are here for the same purpose, to honor another friend's death at a candle vigil. Two friends that have experienced something with me that I don't want anyone to experience, but on two separate ocassions. These two friends are Katie and Braxton. We hold hands, candles, and hug. We listen to people talk, we listen to bible verses, we pray- for Katie and I (and others) this isn't the first time. For me, it isn't the second either. The three of us remain silent and I avoid to make eye contact with anyone else. Or rather, I think part of me refuses to make eye contact with anyone else.
A feeling I've felt only one other time while standing next to Katie. This time it isn't Katie, though, that's feeling it with me- she is feeling the empathy of the moment- it's Braxton. I can't describe in words how I felt at that moment. Maybe like the world was crashing around me. Maybe like everyone would take a milisecond to glance at the two of us and wonder what we were thinking, wonder why us, why him... But nobody knows the trouble we have seen. Nobody knows the exact way we feel... nobody.. and I'm going to say that I don't even know exactly what I was feeilng.
Walking away from all the sadness for a minute- Braxton decided to go down the way. There were too many people crying, laughing, praying, just a bunch of mixed emotions. I grabbed Katies arm and followed. For a minute, no one said anything until Katie spoke up. The next words that came out of her mouth hit me.
"God has plans for us. I don't know you, Braxton, and I don't know your faith, but know that He does. I need to change my life, and I'm reminded of that sometimes. There's a reason we're standing here tonight because God doesn't make mistakes."
God doesn't make mistakes...God has plans for us.
God, I understand that You have a plan for me. I get that I'm here for a reason and I know that I need to make big changes to accept and fufill whatever it is I need to in Your name... for Your glory. The only thing I ask is You make it less painful.
^
That is about what I prayed the minute Katie said what she said. I don't remember word for word, but it was something to that effect.
You see there's two people- aside from Jesus- who have ever "taken my place" so to speak. And there's two different people that I know of for sure who wonder, just as I'm sure the rest of everyone were wondering last night- "why me? - why him? - what's Your plan?" I can't speak for those two people, but for me it's a feeling of guilt. It's not a feeling from God.
What it comes down to is, nobody knows the way somebody else feels about any given situation. One struggle is no more or no less than a different struggle. What is it going to take for you to realize that? Hopefully, it doesn't take a tragedy.
It's been a rough 3 days (since Tuesday night), and some of you may or may not know the exact feeling of that, but I've learned through all of this that I dont' have to "grin and bear it". There is community, there is people who have even seen the hell with me and are right by my side. There's love, strength and life. There's a promise for a future. There's hope. Embrace it.
We will miss you, Lucas.