euthymia

there’s immortality in words, im afraid to die.

[scamberrose]

[scamberrose]

sadist

i hope she tastes me on your lips,

bonus points if she smells me on your sheets.

i want you to writhe in remembrance

of the room still echoing my moans when she speaks.

say you get comfortability and peace where she is

how much?

if that paled in comparison to how u felt w me

it was unbridled passion that electrified this home

while i was here, so tell me…

what keeps the lights on when i’m not invited?

i laugh knowing you’ll notice a difference

until you make your decision,

to search for the same spark or burn it down

just to feel closer to me.

if this is wrong i’ll pass on being right,

cause whether reluctant or not to admit it

there’s a reason neither of us said no that night.

[scamberrose]

what i’ve learned so far about what it truly means to forgive yourself

it does not mean you stop thinking of all the ways you could’ve moved more accordingly with who you truly are.

it’s realizing when you’ve accepted your own accountability far beyond the statute of limitations that some’s boundaries may allow

it feels like i am as kind to myself as i am with others, it makes me feel all the more proud of who i am and how i treat others.

it feels so fucking freeing, the only thing holding me back was my own need to punish myself by not allowing myself to have things i need to flourish.

it means finding peace with the feeling of wanting to backtrack to show my “evolved self” to those who previously dealt with the undeveloped versions of me.

i now recognize defensiveness as internalized guilt

it strengthens the bond and certainty you have with yourself. it makes absolute the belief you have in your power, influence, and potential. it gives the times you doubted yourself a type of comedic relief in retrospect— there was a time where i knew who i was but was afraid of all that needed to be done to reach my potential to be better so much so i almost let my fear of being great keep me from being so. LOL worthy as fuck.

it means letting go, truly. consciously. definitively. and recognizing the only hold the past has on you are the restraints you haven’t released yourself from. your survival rate has always been 100% and will continue to be so long as you give yourself the space to grow and the room to fly.

[scamberrose]

which parts of me made you proud of me

enough to acknowledge that i’ve bloomed

but weren’t worth taking serious enough

to bare my thorns and pick me twice?

you planted a seed of hope,

yet lost faith in the yield.

i’m glad i had the strength to grow

upward and onward,

a wild rose.

no longer a petal in your garden.

[scamberrose]

genesis

evolution of an artist

works comprised of raw materials

significant of organic inceptions

the personification of deep roots

which will bare fruitful trees

that feed the soul

of the insatiable artist

[scamberrose]

what is unrequited love?

if not love with expectations

and limitations

in which you’re to love me back.

here i was thinking it was something i lacked

when the entire time it was me

and my expectations, enforcing limitations

i didn’t just follow your lead

unlike you, i couldn’t love

without fear of it not coming back to me

and in realizing words hold weight

i must acknowledge the difference between

unrequited and unacquainted

i was unfamiliar, never deprived of your embrace

i never carried the load of expectations,

or knew the confinement of limitations

i was just loved, and in retrospect,

i wish i loved you, like you loved me.

there was naïvety in experience,

an irregular occurrence,

and the limitations of expectations

in which you were to love me back.

[scamberrose]

vibrating

radiating

glowing

doing

moving

thumping

racing

pacing

sorting

avoiding

lying

hiding

fighting

dying

silence

— mania

[scamberrose]

which parts of me made you proud of me

enough to acknowledge that i’ve bloomed

but weren’t worth taking serious enough

to bare my thorns and pick me twice?

you planted a seed of hope,

yet lost faith in the yield.

i’m glad i had the strength to grow

upward and onward,

a wild rose.

no longer a petal in your garden.

[scamberrose]

i suck at being consistent. 😐

[scamberrose]

[scamberrose]

muse

i am drowning

in a sea of ideas not yet actualized,

only conceptualized. you are my lighthouse.

i am overwhelmed

with such gratitude for the experience, i forget

to capture them as they are. you are my incentive.

when speechless, words find me, as you have.

unexpectedly. you’re laced in every adjective.

you’re all my metaphors personified.

but who are you really? where are you really?

[scamberrose]

what i’ve learned so far about what it truly means to forgive yourself

it does not mean you stop thinking of all the ways you could’ve moved more accordingly with who you truly are.

it’s realizing when you’ve accepted your own accountability far beyond the statute of limitations that some’s boundaries may allow

it feels like i am as kind to myself as i am with others, it makes me feel all the more proud of who i am and how i treat others.

it feels so fucking freeing, the only thing holding me back was my own need to punish myself by not allowing myself to have things i need to flourish.

it means finding peace with the feeling of wanting to backtrack to show my “evolved self” to those who previously dealt with the undeveloped versions of me.

i now recognize defensiveness as internalized guilt

it strengthens the bond and certainty you have with yourself. it makes absolute the belief you have in your power, influence, and potential. it gives the times you doubted yourself a type of comedic relief in retrospect— there was a time where i knew who i was but was afraid of all that needed to be done to reach my potential to be better so much so i almost let my fear of being great keep me from being so. LOL worthy as fuck.

it means letting go, truly. consciously. definitively. and recognizing the only hold the past has on you are the restraints you haven’t released yourself from. your survival rate has always been 100% and will continue to be so long as you give yourself the space to grow and the room to fly.

[scamberrose]

i’m sorry.

sorry you thought i’d let you haphazardly

find your meaning of love,

by inspiring you with mine.

sorry.

sorry you still haven’t learned to touch as softly

as you did while next to me, inside of me.

i pray i never navigate life after loss so carelessly

i leave others to mourn with me.

[scamberrose]

i know i said

this is my last life,

but it can’t b the last time my soul meets urs.

i want us intertwined for eternity,

like a perpetual yin to my yang.

energy is not created or destroyed

so i hope even in our passing

our love is still felt thru space and time

until we find it again

in our next existence.

[scamberrose]

mania

here’s to the acquisition of knowledge thru my mistakes.

here’s to the application of every lesson that graduates me from student to teacher.

here’s to mastering in peace.

focus before you get distracted

just

keep

typing

until the words find you again.

i need new muses, new creative deities that i praise with my soul’s convictions and not my heart’s own need to believe in powers of potential.

Things to Do

get newer camera?

make amazon list of shit to buy

renew adobe lightroom subscription

i need to acquaint my tongue with the pussy of a woman whose mind leaves me as insatiable for our rapport as i am for the taste of her, like my own food for thought.

i never want to write about sex much, even with the gift of articulation and metaphors it’s always been something i’ve been best showing than proclaiming.

i need a

[scamberrose]

here i am again, wanting to write…

[scamberrose]

02

i always have preferred to learn the hard way, as if i’m most inspired by the unbearable. but u begin to live life with no expectations when you’ve experienced the will to die too many times, so i’ve always felt my highest sense of power having endured what almost ended me.

i wish i knew what it meant to feel attached, to have but be absent of fear of being without. i am self taught in gratitude, a result of taking things from myself before they’re taken from me. i am militant w self yet gentle with others. my childhood defense mechanisms have become adult traumas, adolescent safety blankets now hobbies.

in the same breath of triumph there’s a sigh of realization that my biggest responsibility to my self is never discrediting the validity of my own self awareness. to never forget that regardless of how i choose to learn lessons and adapt, the work will never be over, the line will never be straight. i’ll forever have to work on getting my shit together and keeping it together.