When the Schneckon Beckons

[llmillie]

[stars-bean]

Piglet’s Big Movie (2003) dir. Francis Glebas

[anxietyproblem]

[sineva]

Sadie Sink x Stella McCartney

[schneckonbeckons]

Peri menopause rant.

When will it be over?

Almost ten years of symptoms and no end in sight.

Fuck you peri menopause.

[serious]

keep moving forward

[schneckonbeckons]

Listening just now to Taylor Swift’s Folklore album and feeling very much like an old cardigan under someone’s bed. But I’m the one putting it on and feeling not like I’m my favourite. I cannot help but compare myself to myself lately! I look in the mirror these days and sometimes I just do not recognise myself. I look at the woman looking back at me and she kind of looks like me, but she has grey hair, she has fat rolls which were not here six months ago will not shift no matter how many kilometres I run. I take selfies when I’m feeling good about myself and how I’m looking but I still scrutinise the shit out of myself and internally I’m beating myself up so much for not looking how I used to just a couple of years ago. I look back at photos of myself that I took and 2018 was my year. 2017/2018 I was the thinnest I’ve ever been. My hair was gorgeous in 2018/2019 then it all went down hill in 2020/2021. The immense stress of 2020/2021 has taken its toll on me so much. I really thought I would continue Benjamin Buttoning as my BFF Kirsty so often put it, but no, I’m getting old, grey and fat, just like everyone else my age who isn’t a fucking supermodel. And I hate myself for it. I know that I shouldn’t. I know that it’s natural but I’ve always had a slim figure and I’ve always liked how I looked. But these days I can barely stand myself. I posted a photo today of me and my girl to celebrate her graduation from high school and I am dying because I hated how I looked in the phot but I literally didn’t have anything else of her I could post. Everyone wanted to see my girl so I posted it. Now, the fact that everyone of my friends like and commented on my girl is sensational it’s exactly the point of posting it, but I am still struggling to not take it down or at least list something else to stop people from looking at me. I am consumed with self loathing and self judgment because I still think I’m supposed to look like I did when I like myself for how I looked. My issues with not liking myself for my substance over my looks run deep, I had no idea how deep until I learned that it’s because I was only ever valued for my looks and for being a good girl by my family of origin. Look I know I’m more than my looks. I’m smart, I’m funny, I’m an amazing mother, wife and friend and I am loyal, courageous and a great cook. So in time, I am going to accept that looks aren’t everything, but I grew up on Elle, Cindy, Christy and Linda. How am I supposed to grow old graciously when they can’t! Paulina is showing me how, but she still looks the same, I don’t know who she is that is looking back at me. She’s a little lost still. Not surprising considering what she’s been through. I hope she finds her way soon. I miss her.

[defineyourgrind]

Define Your Grind

[schneckonbeckons]

Listening just now to a marvellous podcast called Everything is Fine and the topic is on anger, specifically women’s anger and why it’s ok to get pissed off.

In my forties I feel that my access to anger is right there. Like it takes virtually nothing to get me pissed off about something and when I think about that in relation to this quote I love about anger which is “anger is our reaction to crossed boundaries” and I know that most of the time this is why I am angry about something because people just don’t give a fuck about other people’s boundaries anymore. I mean no wonder there are so many self help books, podcasts, hashtags and blogs about boundaries!!

So I imagine I will be less angry eventually, like when I’m no longer menstruating for one thing and possibly when my kids have left home and both my husband and I are working at jobs we care about instead of the soul destroying ones we have spent working at most of our lives.

But what if nothing changes?

Sometimes anger feels so good it’s the appropriate response a lot of the time but so often I’m shamed into quashing this emotion - by my husband and my kids and my family and people I work with! I’m shamed into feeling that this emotion which is often the appropriate emotion for the situation I am in and society tells me I’m wrong. What the fuck for? How is that right? Why is a anger so wrong? I mean I am guilty of it too I’ve told my kids to chill out and definitely my husband but it’s often because his anger comes with scary rage and heavy energy but I am guilty too.

If we accepted our anger more would we be able to then get less angry over things that piss us off?

Asking for a friend

[schneckonbeckons]

When the Schnecken Beckons - Issue #23

"To practice any art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow. So do it." Kurt Vonnegut

[schneckonbeckons]

When the Schnecken Beckons - Issue #22

"Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation."Graham Greene, Ways of Escape

[schneckonbeckons]

When the Schnecken Beckons - Issue #21

"True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn't require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are." Brene Brown from her book Braving the Wilderness.

[schneckonbeckons]

When the Schnecken Beckons - Issue #20

"Don't prepare. Begin. Remember our enemy is not lack of preparation... the enemy is our chattering brain, which, if we give it so much as a nanosecond, will start producing excuses, alibis, transparent self-justifications, and a million reasons why we can't/shouldn't/won't do what we know we need to do. Start before you're ready. Good things happen when we start before we're ready." The War of Art by Steven Pressfield

[schneckonbeckons]

When the Schnecken Beckons - Issue #19

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues? Holly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling? Paul: Sure. Holly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The

[schneckonbeckons]

When the Schnecken Beckons - Issue #20

"The subconscious shit is where the gold is. You could try and inspire yourself, motivate yourself, surround yourself with people and things and pleasure and excitement and adrenaline and put yourself in beautiful places to satiate your thirst in five hundred different ways and five hundred different days. But if you don't pull out the very tip of the roots of your egoic unconscious patterns, it will always grow back. It's the triggers and patterns we've acquired from childhood, the suppressed em

[schneckonbeckons]

When the Schnecken Beckons - Issue #17

"Build a good name. Keep your name clean. Don't make compromises, don't worry about making a bunch of money or being successful. Be concerned about doing good work. Protect your work and if you build a good name, eventually that name will be its own currency." I loved this quote from Patti Smith on first reading. It rings of truth and freedom and since reading Patti’s memoirs M Train and Just Kids this past month, her words have become clearer, for this is how Patti lives her life. She is a true

[schneckonbeckons]

When the Schnecken Beckons - Issue #16

Until a couple of years ago, I had never heard of peri menopause. Today, this word and all it encompasses, is very much a part of my world. My introduction to peri menopause was via Lena Dunham's website Lenny Letter when I was reading a conversation between actress Gillian Anderson and her bestie, journalist Jennifer Nadel (the two have also written a book together) where they discussed their struggle. Here is a snippet:Gillian Anderson: When did you first notice that you were showing signs of m