not this AGAIN

[scratchthatitch]

✨ Hello homosexuals and people who came in by accident. I'm Itch, but only when I'm not Scratch. You used to call me Mac when I wrote under the alias of BoringMacaroni. I'll still answer to Mac, too!

I'm 25+, use any pronouns, and have been writing for the eprocto community since the Stone Age. My preference is for gassy men. Not interested in gassy women/femme-presenting; I respect the grind, but you won't find much of it here.

My work is plot-dense. I'm here to tell stories. There will be Themes. There will be Arcs. Often fantasy-based, usually heavy on the worldbuilding, always queer as fuck.

Put simply: I like farts most, and burps second-most. Also into stuffing, slob, scat, and tummy/ass worship, and probably a whole bunch of other stuff I haven't consciously labelled. I don't have a "not interested" list because if anyone sends me something pertaining to a subject I'm not interested in, I won't reply to it. All about curating my space.

Send me asks whenever, about whatever! My inbox is always open, and chances are I'll write you an essay for your troubles. I don't take requests, but I do welcome story suggestions for my characters. Chronic illness means I can be slow to answer, but that also means more time to ruminate on your wonderful prompts.

Kindly note: I'm strictly anti-AI when it comes to its inclusion in creative endeavors. Harness your talents by overindulging in unconventional fetishes like the rest of us.

📝 Current projects (available exclusively on AO3):

(ONGOING) my kingdom for a (sort of) troll 🗡️

"Rudderless royal, Rose, has her work cut out for her when her bumbling father offers refuge to Jules, a malodorous mischief-maker raised by trolls. Thanks to him, her Court will never be the same."

A story of self-discovery, challenging conformities, and rude sexual awakenings. Literally.

(ONGOING) a knight in stinking armor 🏰🛡

Knight and Squire verse for Jules and Eustace, and maybe Rose and Rooney one day, if Jules and Eustace can stop lending themselves to homoerotic subtext for two seconds. Worth reading this cheatsheet first.

(ONGOING) i think i think i smell a stink 🥊

Non-fantasy, 1990s-based AU for the my kingdom gang. Worth reading this cheatsheet first.

// Icon by trashpits, headers by sweebread

[scratchthatitch]

🎂 Jules and I are celebrating our birthdays! I am vicariously eating all the cake my guts can't handle through him. Given his lonely origins, I thought the topic of Birthdays might make for an interesting character deep-dive. Expect things to be angsty, sweet, and eventually stinky, once they hit 18+.

This four-parter fic has been planned for a while, and all chapters are drafted. Hopefully I'll be getting one out a week, but we'll see!

Enjoy tiny Jules and tiny Eustace. I always do!!

🎉 >> birthday boy << 🎈

[scratchthatitch]

The way "blown away" can have so many meanings here 😭

And it wasn't even like he was trying to show off. Three seconds before he told Eustace his stomach felt funny. KABOOM!

"Better?"

"Much :)"

[scratchthatitch]

📖 my kingdom for a (sort of) troll continues with Chapter 26! If you haven't tuned in yet, here's what you're missing:

Rudderless royal, Rose, has her work cut out for her when her bumbling father offers refuge to Jules, a malodorous mischief-maker raised by trolls. Thanks to him, her Court will never be the same.

A story of self-discovery, challenging conformities, and rude sexual awakenings. Literally.

The necessary timeskip chapter. Chapter 27 is currently being edited and continues the picnic adventure promised at the end of this one <3 Chapter 28 is Banquet 2.0 -- if you like your Jules bloated, uncontrollably gassy and openly embarrassed about it, you shall feast. Aiming to have both published by the end of June. Maybe 29 as well if I'm not too busy being gay 🌈

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Under the watchful, critical eye of Ambrose, Jules demonstrated his packmule stamina and all that fine fettle muscle entombed in misleading fat. When it came to his blending, many would agree that the day they repaired the roof of the servants' quarters sealed his assimilation into the Court.

A forecast of frozen hail threatened their patchwork remedies. Ambrose visited their table for three to inquire stiffly whether Jules might be able to replace one of the men enlisted to fix the roof. They required someone with shoulders thick and durable enough to heft pails of mortar up ladders. Jules had no shortage of thickness.

He promised he would be there on exactly the hour and not a clocktick later, around a very sloppy mouthful of honey-sweetened porridge, most of which by this point had slipped down his chin. It was understandable why Ambrose thought he would sooner see pigs — the kind that did not wear ill-fitted jerkins, and sprout unseemly curtains of hair from their heads — take to the skies.

[scratchthatitch]

does ANYONE in Rose’s circle suspect her of having a thing for Jules’s farts?

I would say it's well concealed so far in kingdom, although hold onto your butts for Act Three 😬 Once she discusses her kink with Jules and he starts to play into it... ohhhhh it's hard out here. Her worst nightmare is Winslow and the twins finding out she's into eprocto. I have done and will continue to do many things to her in kingdom but we're not doing that. You're safe with me baby girl

So let's chat 90s!verse, where the kink discussion has already happened and they're actively fiddling around with it. First to address the matter of Rose's 'circle', because Rose's 'circle' is actually a triangle. It consists of three points: Jules, Eustace and Rooney. She has no other friends.

Both Rooney and Eustace have definitely considered it as a strong possibility.

It has crossed Eustace's mind enough times now that he's convinced there's something to it. There was one incredible night when he looked up 'fart fetish' on his Macintosh. Then the rest of his browsing history consisted of 'how to delete browsing history' 'and 'HOW TO REALLY DELETE BROWSING HISTORY'

He... has an opinion! He's not going to share it. Eustace would be more embarrassed finding out Rose has a fart kink than Rose would be when she finds out Eustace has found out she has a fart kink. The law of this universe is that no one can be more embarrassed than Eustace at any given time.

Rooney, who's much more savvy (Rooney, unlike Eustace, has had sex), senses that there's something pulling Rose in -- actually, she sees it, because she's the only one who ever gets closer to Jules when he's producing what can only be termed as quite frankly unnerving levels of stank. Rooney suspects it's a scent thing (that's an easier concept for most people to grasp) rather than it being fart specific. That would blow her mind, actually. That would be a first. Overpowering the need to pry and speculate about it is her joy that her cousin has found someone who loves him completely. It would be fine if Rose was content to overlook it and tolerate it, but if Rose gets something out of it then... more power to her, in Rooney's view. It's just nice to see him adored. It can be... strangely sweet while vaguely, unwaveringly gross and confusing at the same time

What's important (to me) is that neither of them ever wonder whether Rose's love for Jules was founded on his flatulence problem and everything else is incidental to her. She is so interested in who he is, so proud of him, and respects and admires him so entirely, and makes that clear to even the briefest of her acquaintances. She finds his enduring kindness and quiet wisdom as alluring as his ability to clear out a men's room within seconds of his cheeks hitting the bowl. To Rose... that man has it all.

[scratchthatitch]

The two people who hit this: you are seen

[scratchthatitch]

Writing an original work is a humiliation ritual within itself but there's nothing funnier than dropping a new chapter and losing a subscriber 😭 My fallen soldier

[scratchthatitch]

Would you like to see a return of stinky surfer Kenneth Costello?

Yes! In his OG 70s verse 🏄

Yes! In a batty (but hopefully intriguing) fantasy verse 🏄🪄

No! Stay Jules-pilled FOREVER (don't tempt me)

Voting ended onJun 3

[volatilevale]

how life feels when there's a sicko on the same disgusting freak wavelength as you

[scratchthatitch]

My congratulations to the eructo community for Burping becoming a canonical AO3 tag. You did it!

[scratchthatitch]

Already having a shit day but having a shitter one realizing I'm in no headspace to edit so engaging in self-care rituals instead (Thinking about when Jules gets to My Wife Rose every two minutes)

[scratchthatitch]

He suffers.

He suffers for us 💔

(Sneaky preview of a commission from @maggotsfoot)

[scratchthatitch]

Aunt Ainsley would be dangerous in a modern AU. What's your pronouns, Jules? Bean/Bag?

[scratchthatitch]

First Aunt Ainsley has to see Jules in a vest. Then shirtless. Then shirtless and beached on her lawn, in full view of the neighbors. Then shirtless and beached on her lawn with Rose rubbing sun lotion all over his big balloon gut. Which makes him fart. Because everything makes him fart.

[scratchthatitch]

Rose when Jules gets grumpy and/or mean

[scratchthatitch]

What I'm Working On (In Case You Care!)

Chapter 26 and 27 of kingdom, would like to publish one this weekend, though if we're being realistic it's more likely to be next week. Eustace/Jules/Rose picnic time... 🥹 Splitting it again because I don't want to give you guys two 6k chapters in a row! I know long chapters ask a lot of a reader. Sorry for that. We're in the middle of Act Two with much ground to cover!

First chapter of a four-part retrospective about Knight!Jules. It's about his birthday experiences over the years. They're little guys in the first two chapters. Technically, Eustace is always a little guy.

[scratchthatitch]

Rare Rose in Knight!Verse post: days after joining up with Eustace and Jules, they stop in a tavern where two disasters occur together. Those tracking Rose down catch up with her, and Jules accidentally eats dairy.

To hide, Rose follows Jules into the men's room and crams herself into his stall.

...now she has to keep it together while the hunting party investigate, and he's having profuse diarrhea right beside her. Fortunately the investigation is... short-lived.