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yikes

#lately I've been thinking of taking up like. smoking. which is terrible and I don't want to do it #but like . . . . . idk #I know I don't rly wanna I think I just need to like 500000% chill #ya

i just want to be important to someone for once lol im not important to ANYONE!! its a shitty feeling to know if i dropped dead nobody would care

every time I think I've finally found a person that might care about me as much as I care about them they fucking. Do whatever it is they do to show I'm wrong!!!

#and I get it! I don't blame them! I'm awful I'm terrible I'm selfish I'm annoying #and I'm just not good enough #but y'all I'm so tired of it

I need to stop being so fucking attached because nobody that I love really loves me back as much lmao

hhhhh I feel so bad no matter what I do I always make things worse for people ?? like even if I'm trying my hardest to help I always fuck up and upset them even more?? I hate myself

i don't know if i'll ever be alright again

#it literally ripped out my heart when you left and I'm still not recovered #and you are and you love her so much and she's so much better for and to you than I ever could have been and I'm so sorry im sorry I wasted #so much of your time and I'm sorry you can't remember anything between us #because you fucking blocked it out! because I'm THAT awful! and I'm sorry I made you feel all those things and I just wish you would have #said something because you meant and still do mean the entire world to me #I would do anything for you. I don't know if you know that #and I don't know if you know th extent of how much I love you but god it!' fucking scares me #I'm sorry I ruined things and I wish I even knew how to talk to you anymore #I'm always fuvking terrified of annoying you after everything you said to me about how much I bothered you that one time #I'm so sorry

it's April 2nd 2017 and it's been over a year since things changed now. I still love you just as much as I did before. I still wish things were how they used to be. I still hope with every fibre of my being that maybe, miraculously, you'll love me again. Maybe one day you'll see this.

I fucking drove away the only person I'll ever connect that much with because I'm so fucking heartless and unbearable and fuck I hate myself so much fuck why did I do that why did I ruin everything

I know it's been a year and she's moved on already but I'm still Not okay and I'm still stuck on it and I still miss her

also in other news: I'm so 100% head over heels in love with this boy. my god he's so amazing and beautiful and smart and funny and talented and handsome and radiant and remarkable and he just ! Lights up my entire world! and he makes me feel like the stars are inside me and I just feel so safe whenever I think of him and I just! Love him so much holy fuck!!!! I completely adore him and I'm so so so shook over it bc like???? what!!!??!!!!!??!?!?!! what am I doing!! who do I think I am getting up in my feelings about him he's so fucking perfect and I'm BLAAHHHHHSGSHSH I'm just some nerd that's hopelessly in love with him

#LOL LIKE I cANT EVEN BE WITH HIM RIP #he's so perfect his eyes are so pretty #and his smile #and his freckles !!??!?!???!!!!!#wow

I feel really weird mentally right now lol

but st the same time there are people I know I could never go a day without talking to or else I'd feel really weird? I like having structure to a certain extent and having those people in my life is part of my routine and structure and them being around is good

#pretty much just mark tho lol I don't rly talk to anyone else every single day #or I haven't been

I feel like learning how to breathe without someone is such a good feeling. Like knowing that you can be separate from them for a period of time and still be perfectly fine and not worried at all. It just feels really good and peaceful

idk why but I just feel so! Shitty! I feel so fucking stupid because I'm just tired I think!!???? I'm just so exhausted and I want someone here with me but I know he is literally physically impossible to ever have with me but if he was I just think I wouldn't be so sad all the fucking time

weeeeeoooooo I feel so lonely and hopeless and unloveable wwweeeeeeooooooo

I'm so terrified for my future like there are so many things I have to do that I'm literally incapable of doing to get where I want and need to be. there's no fucking way im gonna want to take a math course this summer and there's no way I'll even be able to PASS the math course if I take it and I won't get into pre calc and then I won't get normal calc and I'm gonna fucking die! Because I need them for what I want! and there are no fucking programs for two years that I could get into because they're all so difficult and you need such high marks for them and I fucking flunked out! I flunked out of 11th grade and got sent to a different school because my mentally ill ass can't handle it! And I'm not going to be okay!

#I'm just so sad and scared fcuk #kill me

so anyways I'm either gonna run away or kill myself and as of rn I'm leaning towards killing myself

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