Involutionist

@joshcezar •Free Spirit •Artist/Dancer Scrubnotes: Journal entries of mine in no particular order [old & new]

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07/02/17

Love.

There’s a common misconception with saying I love you. People say that you shouldn’t throw the word around or say it “too soon”. I understand the romanticized idea of love, the meaning it holds & how it should only be expressed when mutually “ready”. But no, I’ll tell my friends that I love them when I feel like it because I do. There’s so much more than just romantic love, love is everything good in the world. From a simple smile to a stranger to wanting to devote your entire life to someone & everything in between. Don’t be afraid to express your love.

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[02/26/17]

LAST DAY

**cue “In the middle of this nowhere - Hammock”

Today was my last day in Canada, I spent it hanging out with my family at home in London for the first time since Christmas. Having breakfast, going out for coffee, driving around running errands together. I’ll miss them so much it already hurts. This place is my everything. I should be going to bed so I can get at least a couple hours of sleep but I feel the need to put my feelings into words.

There’s a park here in between my mom and dads homes that I used to walk through growing up. Tonight’s walk was significant. It hit me all at once, all of the sudden It was real. I felt overwhelmed with feelings knowing that everything was about to change. Fear was the best part, I don’t know what’s to come, I don’t know who I’m going to meet, I don’t know what I’m going to experience and what I’m going to learn. I couldn’t stop staring at the stars, they seemed brighter than I remember them ever being. The feeling wasn’t foreign to me, I’ve experienced it similarly prior to past adventures but this time the feeling was heavier. I read an article about how tonight holds the most powerful solar eclipse, shifting our electromagnetic field so that the energy resonates with the new frequencies of the universe. Leaving us in a transformational energy phase so that we can enter a new, cosmically charged, higher dimension.

It all makes me feel that this was meant to be, accepting this job, the rigorous rehearsal process, the departure delays, the surprise early trip to Jamaica and all the love, happiness & heartbreak in between. It all leads up to this. This is so much more than just a performance contract, I’ve grown to love the group of people that I get to experience this with, we’ve endured so much. I am so grateful, scared, excited and sad but most importantly ready. There’s something so special about pursuing the unknown, trusting the process. All the sacrifices made to get here openheartedly leave us with room to grow. It was all meant to be, the moment we committed to it. We don’t exactly know what’s to come, but I wouldn’t want to live my life any other way.

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[10/04/16]

SHARE WISDOM

Something very important that I've learned & have come to re-learn over the years is that when all else fails & even when I've failed myself, Dance will always be there for me. So I hold it close to my heart. This goes for all passions/artistic practices really, It can even be multiple things I'm just using dance as an example for my case specifically. Whatever it is that you absolutely love, that keeps you inspired, takes you places, connects you with the right people & demands growth. Invest in it, invest everything you have towards it & keep doing so. Whether that means going to school, taking classes, traveling to learn from specific people or just dedicating more time to practise.

It's something that no one in the world can take from you. So I urge you to take the leap of faith and pursuit it, to learn more about yourself along the way, to become who it demands you to become, to be bold & go wherever it demands you go. Even if you can't possibly see a career or future within it. All you need is the open hearted desire to grow & that is what will take you a long way. That desire is something that comes from within & can't really be taught. All I know is that it's a human trait burried in all of us, it comes from experience, it comes from love. Once you've found the courage to take that leap of faith, the universe will guide you the rest of the way. Usually through signs or an internal gut feeling that I still can't explain, you'll just know.

Now if you've already taken that leap of faith, yet find yourself a little lost. I urge you to breathe, to remember why you started in the first place. You may not be exactly where you want to be, you may have challenges up to your ears of sadness. But you can always change your direction. And if you need a sign, this is it. It's okay to slow down or take a step back to catch your breath but don't stop, & if you've stopped try again. Keep loving, keep believing & keep growing, you'll learn that your actions at this point not only affect yourself but the lives of those around you. You're an inspiration to many whether you see it or not, others believe in you so I need you to believe in yourself again. Don't give up on your gift, even if it drives you crazy.

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[10/31/15]

THE DEPARTURE.

So it finally hits... I finally feel it. From the moment I left my house at 2:45am with my luggage  headed to the airport my own reality was consumed by this long awaited emotional journey. I’m feeling spiritually inclined and can’t even begin to express how excited I am for this new chapter of my life. As I sit here in the window seat of my plane heading to LAX looking out from a higher perspective of life while listening to Explosions In The Sky I can’t help but cry. I could go on for hours about how scary, exciting and fulfilling even just the beginning of this journey is to me. In terms of preparation, I’m not exactly where I envisioned I would be before leaving but I can honestly say I’m ready, ready to be fearless and I’m ready to make miracles happen. I’m ready to work harder than I’ve ever worked before and to inspire even more along the way. I’m ready for the ups & downs God I’m ready to grow. From this moment on I open myself completely & wholeheartedly to ALL new experiences. I vow to focus on loving myself again physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally but most importantly I vow to not let fear get in the way of my life in any way possible.

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[12/31/15]

“You should always be smiling”

Because that’s what sold me on you, I remember it coming out of nowhere & lighting up the entire world around me, that’s what made me so infatuated by you, that’s what made me want to get to know you better & slowly grow to admire every single thing about you. 

Because that’s what made me miss you when I was gone, because I’m sitting here long after this has all passed & long after we’ve last spoken. Still thinking about your smile.

So wherever you are in life right now, throughout whatever it is you’re experiencing. I hope that you’re still smiling.

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[09/07/15]

We all have dreams, but I've learned that life is incredibly unfair.

Maybe because there simply isn't enough time, space or energy in this universe for all of our dreams to come true. So in that case we need to fight, and keep fighting against all odds every single day to become who we want to be & accomplish everything that we dream of. When you start chasing your dreams I promise you that life will do everything it can to make that impossible. Life is fucking ruthless and will eat you alive but I think that's the best part. I don't know how, but in my perspective the harder it gets for me, the more I know that this is exactly what I'm meant to do. As if it's my inner calling that continues to throw challenges at me every single day and drive me absolutely crazy if I don't stand up to these challenges. 

I've learned that I'm a natural born fighter, that my greatest strength is miraculously picking myself up off my feet when life has taken everything away from me & left me with nothing. The hardest part for me is the comfort within success, when the universe starts to work in my favour, after I've put in so much work and finally start to experience a taste of greatness. That's when I start to fall out of my own personal rituals and into into the norms of society. Comfort is the greatest enemy to our growth, but is it wrong to live a comfortable life? The answer is no, but you'll sure as hell know if you're meant for something greater.

I've also learned that no matter how inspired or passionately motivated you are, no matter how strong your will may be. You are always at risk of falling. It's not about taking the biggest step, being the worlds hardest worker, or being the absolute strongest it's about always taking steps no matter how big or small. The power is in consistency.

The more I achieve, the more I want out of life so i guess this is a never ending story.

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[09/04/15]

I thought about you today.

While I was in the holding room for Degrassi with my earphones plugged in, zoned out listening to Explosions In The Sky while writing in my journal. The first thing that came to mind was the sunny views from the Brooklyn train while nearing arrival to Coney Beach. That image plays in my head like the time lapse on our phones. It made me so happy reminiscing our 7am adventure walk to start the day, bagels in Astoria, struggles to find a bathroom in Brooklyn & our deep life talks on the train. All of the ups & downs, even getting our bags stolen when we got back to Toronto because it's all part of the growing process. It all makes sense thinking about my recent actions, where I am in life & the timing that you came into it. I believe that meeting you was a big part of the growing process and I am forever grateful. So thank you Jess,

Thank you for being in my life. - Josh Cezar

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[04/23/15]

The “forever” concept.

A good friend of mine reminded me yesterday that there is no forever. That you can’t make promises because everything in life is constantly changing within seconds and you’re going to have to accept it. Some things last longer than others and all you can really do is truly be present and passionately live in every moment and experience of your life. Cherish those experiences and relationships while they last and don’t dwell on the short lasting. Don’t dwell on a failed “forever” simply move on.

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[04/07/15]

cue “So long so lonesome - Explosions in the sky"

There’s something so beautiful about the moon. It’s 1am & I’m standing outside staring up at the sky, in the city that holds so many deep memories and experiences for me. Watching the clouds as they slowly shade through the light reflected by it peacefully. There’s something so beautiful about it. Something that’s so far away but seems so close to my soul. I get a strong feeling of nostalgia. In a literal form the moonlight is a reflection of the light of day. A reflection of happiness, memories & most importantly love. We spend our days soaking up the sun but I find more joy in staying up late at night and staring at the moon, reflecting.

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[03/05/2015]

Forever learning freely in the environments that I choose.

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[02/01/2015]

I feel like one of the biggest misconceptions about being an artist is investing hours and hours into our craft to perfect it and become more creative within in. When being an artist is about tapping into higher creativity not only within your craft but in everything. To see life in dimensions that most people are unable to. It's opening up your soul to everything. To be an artist is not about mastering a certain artistic skill but to understand and master your own creative power in everything. 

[joshcezar]

[12/21/2014] mindfulness

I know it’s been awhile, I can’t even remember the last time I posted on this thing. Do I even have any followers still? Anyway, thats not the point. It’s been so long since I’ve shared anything about my life on here & I recently remembered how much this meant to me in high school. I don’t even write on a regular basis anymore that’s part of the reason why I spontaneously decided to post an update on here.

I’d love to catch you guys up on my life, on how I pushed myself to move away to Toronto to pursue the only thing that made sense to me. How I’ve learned & experienced more than I could of ever even imagined, how every single day pushes my limits and brings me closer to the best version of myself, how I’ve been repeatedly broke, jobless, homeless, stable & unstable, how I’ve found love & lost it but also how i’ve met & been constantly surrounded by the greatest & most inspiring people In the entire world that I’m proud to call my family out here.

I feel like a full on catch up on the past year & a half of this adventure I’ve been on would require me to write a novel or two. What I really want to share is how I feel right now in this present moment. The feeling when you know that all the stress you’ve been going through is about to pay off and you’re about to reach a high point of life (for now atleast). I wish there was a word for it because I can’t even explain how it feels, lately I’ve been feeling high everyday It might be something I should be concerned about but I’m loving it. I started thinking a lot today about how grateful I am for every single person in my life right now and everything I’ve experienced the positive & the negative. I was considering writing everyone a thank you letter and a huge hug but I don’t actually have time for all that right now. So I’m just going to use this as a general thank you. Thank you to everyone in my life for simply being a part of my life, I’ve accomplished so much more than I could’ve ever even imagined because of you all and this is just the beginning. Also, for any other people out there that might stumble across this post, I just wanted to say. Follow your dreams. Even if it doesn’t fit the social standard of society, even if it seems impossible financially, even if no one else in your life right now agress. If you feel like you’re missing something in your life you probably are. Feed your soul with whatever it is that you want deep inside. All you need to do is take the first step & I promise you it’ll make more sense from there on. I can’t even express how worth it it will be.

Love, Josh Cezar.

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[02/27/2015]

Be careful with passions. 

I believe once you truly become passionate about something it will slowly eat you alive until you pursue it to your fullest potential. It becomes your calling and will be your only path to fulfilment.

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[03/01/2015] Letter to Ken Pham

Wow I don't even know where to start bro, life has been so crazy after you left, I think part of the reason it's been taking me awhile to really say goodbye to you is because out of all the friends I've made throughout my entire life you've made the biggest impact in my life. It finally really hit me, you venturing off reminded me of how much you've truly influenced me as a person.  I was just looking back at old videos of us heartbroken teenagers spending all night dancing. I'd probably still be lost if it wasn't for you pushing me to JRD to take class back in high school, It's a scary thought. People really do come into our lives for a reason, thank you for your guidance, for helping me find what I'm passionate about, motivating me to take risks and learn more about myself, always being there when I'm struggling emotionally/financially. Thank you for sharing your own artistry, your goals & aspirations. You're an inspiration to us all & I'm really excited for you to be going out there and seeing the world. I can only imagine what you're going to experience out there. Looking back at the people we were in high school and all I can say is we did it bro. We've become passionate, open hearted, vulnerable, incredibly talented human beings on our own paths to greatness and I'm looking forward to when our lives cross paths again.

P.S. The videos you've been posting are pretty inspiring I look forward to seeing more.

Your brother, Josh Cezar