"C'mon champ, just have a few spoonfuls and maybe I'll consider letting you have some apple slices and cheese cubes too, okay?"
"NO! This stuff is yucky! I'm not eating it, and you can't make me!"
"Baby Boy, I know you're upset, so I'm going to ignore the fact that you just went way over your spoken word limit for the day - although I know a certain crinkly chatterbox who'll be sporting a paci-gag during his stroller session at the park this afternoon.
This is what's for lunch. If you don't want it, then I guess you'll just have extra room in your tummy at..."
"Listen, Buster Brown, being our bouncing baby boy is your only job around here and commitment to our respective roles isn't something we take lightly in this household!
I hope you like your new mealtime accessories, because they'll be getting a lot of use from now on. Did our padded lil' picky eater think those cute star cutouts on the sides of his highchair were just for decoration? Guess again, Mr. Stinky-Pants. Looks like we'll need to order an extra strap to keep your feet anchored in the center - enjoy flailing your 'little piggies' around while you still can, wiggle-worm.
Now then, if you expect us to keep working jobs while you fill your pants in the baby bouncer all day and continue to pay for the 'privilege' of wiping and powdering your smooth little bottom on a daily basis - not to mention kissing boo-boos, cleaning Cheerios out of your carseat and reading bedtime stories - it isn't going to come without some tradeoffs to help balance things out.
We are the adults, and we are the ones who get to enjoy certain adult pleasures and entitlements - eating for enjoyment and not simply for nutrition being just one of them. The mature members of this family have made our decision and we are fully committed to transitioning our little bundle of joy away from the grownup privilege of solid foods permanently - whether he likes it or not.
Just like our sex-life is enhanced by watching the baby monitor every evening after 7pm, while our cute little crinkle-cuck thrusts away while locked in his crib, trying and failing to create any resistance between the thick memory foam topper and his hefty Huggies, heatedly humping away with what little mobility the ankle restraints allow in a futile attempt to get any relief from his chastity cage - so too will we savor every bite of our big-boy foods after seeing you endure eating your goopy glop while strapped into the highchair 3 times a day.
We tried to do it the easy way, let you go at your own pace, but unlike your locked little boy parts, it seems you only know how to do things the hard way. When will you learn that refusing to dip your toes into the water when we instruct you to do something is always going to get your squishy butt tossed directly into the deep end, my soggy lil' swimmer?
I think we'll start by making sure all your Kale & Spring Peas goes bye-bye, especially since I put some light sedatives into it that'll help relax your gag reflex and calm you down a little, though they probably won't kick in until at least half-way through.
Then, we'll move onto your main course of Boiled Turkey & Butternut Squash. Unlike lunchtime, I didn't add any seasoning to it, so it'll be extra gentle on baby's stomach!
Hopefully you'll still have room for that nummy bowl of Mixed Berries & Beets afterwards. Remember, only good boys who finish all their food get changed into nice clean diapers for beddy-bye.
That shouldn't be a problem though. With all the laxatives in those bottles, there should be plenty of empty space in your system by the time we reach dessert!
Now open up those hanger doors real wide, my hungry little man, because Mickey's plane is coming in for a landing - and he's not taking "no" for an answer!
...Hmmm, looks you're going to need a bigger bib, mess-maker."
theartofmadeline
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jacobvanloon
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