EVERYTHING THAT COMES BEFORE THIS POST IS ARCHIVED CONTENT FROM THIS BLOGâS PARTICIPATION IN NYADA IS MAGIC. THIS BLOG IS NO LONGER ACTIVE FOR THAT ROLEPLAY BUT WILL FUNCTION AS AN INDIE BLOG FOR SEBASTIAN SMYTHE.
There are a few things I want to address, considering the fact that you are only going to receive the NYADA is Magic! adminsâ side of the story on this subject. I know many of you are very close with the admin team and youâre not going to appreciate what I have to say and thatâs completely fine. There are things I havenât mentioned to anyone and Iâve bottled up so much Iâve what Iâve dealt with out of respect for the admin team. But after this, Iâm going to make my concerns public. Iâm going to start from the beginning.
I spent about a month on my original application for NIM. I was very excited about the political climate of the verse and wanted to do something incredibly controversial. I spent more than a month on my application, doing research, reading every inch of the main blog, wanting to do something groundbreaking with the beautiful material weâre given to work with as the blueprints for our muses. In my original application, I wanted Sebastian to have recently been changed into a vampire. The idyllic Bloodline son... having his entire life taken away. Having his parents sending him to NYADA with heavy payment for discretion and still considering whether or not they would have him killed. It was roughly five pages worth of an application. I had a clear understanding of how this would affect Sebastian, and the Smythes, because I had done my research. I learned everything possible about NIM and was so incredibly excited to challenge myself with this writing adventure. Speaking through first Rach, then the IM on the main, the admins requested we do a workshop. This was for me to discuss my questions about the strife this interesting decision would cause. Just imagine-- someone who was raised to despise LNs waking up one morning as one of them!
The admins explained that I didnât understand the implications that this would have in the verse, how it would cause too many issues, but theyâd be happy to look at an application for a Bloodline Sebastian, or allow me to transfer my application to another character. They didnât even look at my original application. With the story Iâd spent months toying with before putting it in print. They turned it down without even glancing at it.
I deconstructed my application, stripping away the parts that they felt I didnât understand before even giving me a chance. I gave them the application they wanted and was accepted.
The first time I went to the admins for help was shortly after I got here. I made it known from the beginning that I have a lot of anxiety and struggle with talking about my feelings. I was feeling stressed out because comments in the OOC chat were making me uncomfortable and I felt like I was being cornered with a ship and I didnât know how to address it. The problem was handled seamlessly, though would later be brought up, because apparently this was seen as a personal vendetta I had against someone.
The downfall of Sebastian at NIM started when he got a crush on Mason while he was interested in Marley, and later dating her. Everyone here loved both of the players, and I realize in hindsight I was probably seen as the jerk newcomer who was trying to ruin an IC relationship with the people you were already friends with OOC. I understand now why I became unpopular and why everyone pulled away, but at the time? I couldnât see it. I was letting Sebastian take the wheel and really thought all of the IC drama wasnât bleeding over into OOC. This was not just hard on me, but the other player as well, whom had been so well liked previously and was now being treated differently. As time went on, it became apparent that this treatment was what happened when characters associated with Sebastian. The notable difference in OOC treatment of my partners made it difficult to reach out and improve things, as it felt that not only was no one interested in supporting Sebastian or his growth, but that in fact the mere association of characters with him was a damning indictment. I don't want to speak for others in this post, but other players have told me that they felt this way after our characters plotted or associated in any way.
I started to struggle. The admins made it clear to me during these times that Sebastianâs views, especially on other races, were changing too quickly. I tried desperately to explain that even in the application, it was made clear that Sebastian regularly partied and hung out in seedy bars with LNs and New Ages, and that his hatred of them was more of a front. To me, the story I was trying to tell was clear. It was clear to me, it was clear to those I was close with, and it was even clear to some in the group Iâd never really spoken to much before. But the admins didnât see the story. And my explanations of why I was making the choices I was making werenât accepted. Instead, I was told, âWe are here to help you out all throughout the way, but we need your cooperation and no more excuses.â
No more excuses. The defense I tried to create for what I was writing and why was seen as nothing more than an excuse. This is what I was told after I took a month off in January and spent the entire time creating an entire web of ways for Sebastian to connect with other characters, because heâd gotten in a rut of communicating with the same five people. I dropped the ball here, and for that Iâm very sorry. I wasnât replying to starters and I wasnât reaching out to you guys because I was scared. I understood you no longer liked me and it made it very, very hard for me to reach out IC. But I should have pushed through. My drawbacks made Sebastian fall short. When I returned from my hiatus, I received a very long critique from the admins. This took place before they even looked at the pages of plot Iâd come up with. It was so much like how they hadnât shown any interest in my original application. They, again, didnât have faith in me. This time, though, it was my fault. I wasnât what they wanted me to be.
After this, I tried to get back on track. I tried starting to show things on the dash with self paras and thought posts and replies as opposed to headcanons, but I felt so downtrodden. To me, NIM had been the place where I had never measured up to expectations and didnât fit the way everyone else seemed to so easily, whether it was IC or OOC. But I tried so hard to be more present in the group chat. I tried to make myself liked again. Because there had been a small window where I really had been, I think. A small window where there were âlove festsâ about me and Seb in the group chat, where there always still are consistently with some of our other players and characters. But in this period of me trying to reach out, hoping to desperately reconnect to everyone that I wanted so much to impress and to like me, I screwed up. I made a comment that I thought was helpful advice about a situation. It had the opposite effect. The player went to the admins about how Iâd been mean and hurt their feelings. Later, I apologized to them at length. I had never meant to hurt anyone.
I was then informed that they were not the first player to do this. It turns out that over my course at NIM, many of you felt ignored and as if I didnât like you. You came to the admins saying Iâd hurt you or offended you in some way. During this, I had a hard time. I lashed out. I cried and cried, and dealt a lot with feelings of lack of self-worth. I felt that I had been foolish, caring for the people Iâd hoped were still my friends. My NIM family. But it turns out, many had felt hurt and disliked by me. At this time, when I was struggling with this discussion with an admin, I was angry and hurt. I was told this: âSeeing as such, please take a hiatus from the game. This hiatus meaning IC blog, ooc chat, ooc blog. Take a step back, reevaluate, and then let's talk. Everyone else in the admin team will be notified on this.I would like for you to give me a written confirmation as well as a time limit. I will set for 1 week minimum.â
I think this is the point when I shouldâve known that the admins were going to ask me to leave. Since when does NIM order hiatuses? I guess I was the first for a lot of things here. I was told this hiatus was âfor my health.â Much like now, my health was being evaluated by someone who was not myself, nor a trained professional. This didnât sit well with me.
But after the week was through, and my birthday celebrated, I came back and was chomping at the bit, ready to work out the kinks. I hated nothing as much as the two hiatuses Iâd taken from the group. Take a moment to try and imagine how to quell the urge to refresh your dash as soon as you see notifications, or to check in with the group chat. Wouldnât you feel like part of you is missing? I wasnât willing to do that. So I put both of my best feet forward. I had a voice chat with an admin, cleared up every misconception that weâd ever had between each other, and had an incredibly heartfelt conversation. For the first time, I think we really heard each other. Â And I was so grateful. I donât know that Iâd ever had a conversation that had been quite so cathartic. Weâd both needed it.
And we were ready to move on. I plotted endlessly through March, and then April. And even though the game itself slowed down, I pushed through. Many of the people I speak to frequently in the game were worried about the prospects of it closing, myself included, but I felt after that long conversation that it was important to push through. As long as some of our members were still posting, the game would hold on. We could support NIM in the times when the admins couldnât be here, and weâd all be eagerly awaiting their return. I, as I imagine many were, was so excited and ready for them to be back. For summer plots! For further development.
And after they returned, activity picked back up And it was awesome. I was doing my absolute best to have Seb communicate with more characters, and myself with more of you. So you would understand, individually, how important you were to me, even if Iâm absolutely terrible at showing it. I thought I was succeeding. And Sebastian was all over the dash, and even arguing with other characters, which is the most fun to play out. And he said some horrid things, as he does, because he thinks in absolutes. Itâs one of his fatal flaws. And during this argument, a comparison was made. And while Sebastian, as a Bloodline in the magical world, didnât understand the full implications. I, as a Common, did. It made me uncomfortable. I went to the admins for help because during in the long discussions with the admins Iâd had before, I was always told to come to them. In regards to triggers, they said, âWe do this because the agreed-upon rules of the game is to create a space that is safe for people.â And it should be.
So I was incredibly triggered, not by the description of qualities (because they were beyond fair, and tame in comparison to what Sebastian had said) but to the comparison of Sebastian to Donald Trump. I personally feel, and know that some others also feel, that that is a line you donât cross. Even in âreal life,â itâs a comparison that no one I know would make because of the harsh implications. And it really bothered me. I was tempted to address it with the player directly, simply to ask for a trigger warning and consideration that the comment be removed, though the descriptions remained in place. (Though I never spoke to the player, a trigger warning has since been added.) But for fear of hurting the personâs feelings as I had many of yours in the past, I reached out to the admins for help. I was told such things as, âHonestly, my initial thought was and suggestion would be that if the response from [them] is that overwhelming and provoking such a strong emotional response, then it is probably wisest to first take a step back, take a breath, and leave the reply alone for the time being.â As well as, âCall it a night, donât think about it until you get back online tomorrow.â
Is this how events that trigger people are now handled? If you come back to it later, you will no longer be affected by the issue? While Iâm not triggered by the use of Donald Trumpâs name, a comparison drawn between him and any character is something that I find really overwhelming. My exact words to one of the admins were these: âThat is the honest to fucking god most offensive thing? Like, in or out of character, about real or fictional people? Itâs not fucking cool and I have no goddamn clue what to do.â (I do apologize for my language. I have a mouth like a sailor, but I know youâre all used to that by now. The expletives are not meant harshly, but with general expression as they always are with me.) Later, I said, âIf [they] would have literally left the Donald Trump comparison and just listed the qualities? I wouldnât havenât give a shit, and the argument could have went on as it was.â
I didnât realize that this had sealed my fate.
I was told this ([Brackets] have been used for anonymity): âLola, I don't think this role play is okay for your mental health. Sebastian was the one who went after [them] in the first place by calling [them] names? There was also the casual toss of the word homicidal?â That word âhomicidalâ was used in regards to animals. I owned up to the intensity of the argument and also that it would have continued, had Donald Trump simply been left out. After the election, we were asked to keep Commonsâ politics out of the OOC chat, and they also werenât discussed in-game.
The admin then listed all of the people they felt I have âproblemsâ with OOC. Because, starting from the first time I was feeling pressured about a ship, and then about some comments made in the OOC chat about Sebastian being manipulative, and then a comment Iâd hoped to be helpful, it had been decided that I canât get along with anyone. So a list was made of the people I allegedly had issues with and I said this: âI came with a simple problem of âhey, this comparison makes me so uncomfortable.â Sebastian went for the throat, as he does, and [they] should too, if thatâs in [their] character. I have no problem with [them]. I donât even know [them], so how am I supposed to have a problem with [them]?â
To which the admin countered, âThis is a tough decision and I know that this wasn't the answer you wanted to hear. However with everything that we've witnessed, this is not a good environment for you. I am not changing my mind. This is better for your health. I remember that we had talks prior where you said that I was giving you panic attacks. This is not about you having problems with other players. It's about this role play causing you to have really intense pressure and making you suffer for it.â
I have major anxiety and PTSD and the pressure of talking to the admins about things I really struggle with has induced a panic attack on two or three separate occasions. I had admitted this to them in hopes of explaining why I sometimes come off as cold and calculating. I am trying to protect myself from this OOC stress. I couldnât understand why, when Iâd come to the admins for help, I was being told to leave the group. I said, âAnd no one could just pop over to [them] and say âhey this kinda bothered our players! If we could just avoid that, it would be awesome!â And then tell me how Seb should proceed? Thatâs literally all i needed. Some support. And guidance.â
The response was this: âI know, and it's awesome that you talked with us. But this only shows to me and all of us that this is not a single event. No, this is not if you got triggered by one thing. This is a series of events that proved to us that this is not a place that is good for your mental health because you told us that many times. Â I am not making stuff up. I am aware of all the things you've tried to do and I'm proud of you for it.â
I want it to be clear that I have never, not once, told the admins this game is not good for my health. NIM was my passion. I had things plotted out as far as two years in the future. I poured my heart into this game. In response to the adminâs comment above, I said, âAnd instead Iâm having decisions about my health made for me? I know what is best for me. Iâm an adult. If I thought I was in an unhealthy environment, Iâd take myself out of it. Youâre so proud of me that youâre taking away one of the most important things I have that Iâve been building for almost a year.â Below, Iâm going to transcribe the remainder of the conversation after I made that comment. Iâve removed the skype name and timestamps for sake of anonymity. Â
Admin: Excuse me. What? Would you like to leave with souring my point of view about you?
Lola: I donât understand why Iâm being forced to leave at all. I donât understand why I canât make a decision about whatâs best for me. Iâve spent so long trying to do everything I can to do all the things the admins have asked [of] me. Iâve tried to [change] how people see me and feel about me and Iâve built this awesome story which I have been working on non-stop especially since the conversation we [had] and I donât understand why. I just donât understand. i donât understand why. I went to the admins which is what I was told to do and now Iâm being told I have to leave
*corrected typos are in [brackets]
Admin: Honestly this is why I think it's best that you aren't in the group environment. I don't want you to be stressed out any further. I know this place is fun and it hurts to be let go, but I also think a private role play experience where you don't have to engage in something that leads to frequent emotional turns is something that is better in the long run, instead of deteriorating health. I'm not saying you cannot contact anyone else in the group again. You are free to write with whomever you wish. It's that this roleplay, single role play, NYADA is Magic, is and has been consistently stressing and making you feel bad.
Admin: I wasn't doing this to hurt you further, and I know that it is a painful experience, so I understand my intention and this action can have different consequences. I'm not going to have the party you wanted be cancelled either. You can have whatever you wanted to do to be done, you can just hang out with friends. However after today, this is all of us in consensus, I am going to let you go from what is a toxic environment to your health. I don't want you to think you let down our expectations. This is a series of events. Based on our history of interaction with you. This was not a fun decision. This was a hard one by all of us. You don't have to empathize because I know you're feeling not that great right now but I wanted to at least know that it was not an arbitrary decision.
I think there are a few important things to address about the way this conversation went. Additionally, another of our players was informed that this was a âdecision made over time.â The admins had decided to ask me to leave long ago. And just now found a catalyst to do it. And theyâre cloaking it in this idea of mental health simply because I went to them for help.
For as all inclusive of an environment as NIM is, with all of its trigger warnings and styles of magic to include all aspects of life, my anxiety was the basis for my removal from the group. Because I have this issue that I deal with constantly, they managed to spin this as if they are looking out for my mental health.
No one, and I mean not a single human being on this planet who is not a licensed professional, should ever be able to tell someone something like this. What they have done is taken away my solace. My story. My outlet. My passion.
Additionally, you cannot look at another person an attempt to prescribe what you feel would be a better situation for them to be in. I have been roleplaying for nearly six years. I have always been in group environments. I have never had a problem with a group the way I have with NIM, but Iâve also never had people try to exert such control over my muse and my museâs story. The admins do not have any right to tell me, or anyone else for that matter, what kind of group experience I should be in. And the fact that they think I would ever assume that they were forbidding me from contacting any of the players again, but gave me their express permission to keep speaking with my friends? It truly shows how far they think their control reaches. But it does not reach me. It has never reached me.
The chatzy party that was pushed back several times and then postponed indefinitely was still supposed to take place, as the admin said above. Without me being contacted further, and still assuming the chatzy would happen, my character was removed from the RP. I was promised one last thing, perhaps to say goodbye, and even that was taken from me.
With comments like, âHowever it is not only our decision but our responsibility as admins to decide if we want to put a person through what happens in our roleplayâ and âThis decision was made for the best for the memberâ and âWe value real life over a role play,â as was posted on the nyadaisooc blog, the admins are making it sound as if they made this decision with my best interests at heart. And while they will continue to claim that was the case, that is not true. They made this decision because I was too much to handle. Because I stood up for myself and my friends and wasnât able to morph into the person, player, and muse they wanted me to be.
âThis is something that we all had discussed at length and chose to go through.â This decision was made and I was informed of it within about 8-9 hours. This was quite literally overnight, between 3AM and 12:30 PM, EST. So it was either made at length and decided long before I came to the admins for help, or it was made rapidly and not thought through at all. I donât know which of those is worse.
While this post will be controversial, and it will permanently ruin myself in the eyes of the NIM admin team as well as many of our players, I felt that it was important for me to say these things. I wasnât going to give a final response to the admins, because I am incredibly heartbroken, but upon being informed of the post on the OOC blog and peopleâs responses in the OOC chat, and about how they are still trying to make it sound as if this decision was done to help me, I needed to make one thing clear: this decision was not done to help me. It was done as a way to finally get rid of me. Â And it has, in fact, done the exact opposite of help. I feel worthless. I feel as if all of my hard work doesnât mean a thing. Iâve learned the hard way that people I thought were my friends never actually cared for me at all, or they wouldnât have done this. They wouldnât take away something that means so much.
Even an admin said to one of the players who had, I guess, reached out on my behalf and expressed that the decision didnât add up: âOkay, I can understand that. Our reasonings donât match up with whatâs happening, and asking Lola to leave may hurt more than help.â
While some of you will now be glad for my absence, please still know that I cared about each of you so very much. And I will miss you and miss this game dearly. Try to forgive my shortcomings and the way I let you down. Having to leave NIM is me leaving a piece of my heart behind. Thank you for everything you did while I was here. I wish you all the best.
Madison: Oh, please don't do it on my account. If you can make it happen, it would be for the good of the general student population. Everyone needs to see it.
Madison: And, of course, your immeasurable joy.
[...]
Madison: How is the joy situation - measurable or otherwise?
Sebastian: It would. I'd be sure to photograph it and sell it to every tabloid.
Madison: I remember talking about that with you before, and I still think it's a good idea - but in the meantime, we have to do the best we can with what we've got.
Madison: All the clans agreeing on the same moral terms is about as likely as monkeys flying out of Clarington's butt.
Madison: (So ... not impossible, but it'd take the right combination of smart people and clever ideas.)
Sebastian: Look, I'm more than happy to try and make that dream a reality, if it'd make you happy.
Sebastian: It would give me a certain immeasurable joy.
I donât think so. Although, you should consider trying The Cock on 93rd and 2nd Avenue. I heard from a very reliable source that there are just loose daddies that hang around there from 6 to 4 A.M.Â
Madison: The problem is in how the general public defines what exactly needs slaying!
Madison: Plus, the Containers Guild of America makes it sound like we're professional organizers. And while I certainly could be, Mason would have a terrible time at it!
Madison: I'm just surprised.
Madison: Pleasantly surprised, but still surprised.
Sebastian: No, the problem is within the word 'slaying' itself. Just general death.
Sebastian: I think that, were all of the slaying groups to get on the same moral terms at some point, that you could benefit from a rebranding. Perhaps as protectors.
Madison: I guess they must, even if they grew up Common. We'll just have to keep reminding everyone that we're not bloodthirsty as a rule.
Madison: No, I do. Most people wouldn't say what you did, especially if they're not Guild.
Madison: Both of us?
Sebastian: The problem is in the title. SLAYer.
Sebastian: You know very well that I'd always defend you.
Sebastian: You know how I feel about people fishing for compliments, Madison Laurel. You read what I said the first time; I don't need to repeat myself.
Madison: It's a horrible commons store that I never want to set foot in again. The energy in there was awful.
Madison: I'm his sponsor. I need to be with him for him to leave campus.
Madison: I didn't "let him" do anything. We went to the store, he bought a box of traps. I didn't know they were lethal, because he didn't exactly explain that to me! I assume that "trap" means TRAP, not KILL.
Sebastian: How do you not know what a mousetrap is?
Sebastian: Well, just for the record, it may be best to make it forcibly clear that you weren't in favor of him slaughtering them
Sebastian: He seems to think you were in full support.
He would never admit it but heâd grown to quite like the fact that Sebastian was taller than him. He returned his hug and pecked his lips before pulling back and shaking his head. âI figured this is how an Oliver might dress.â he teased. Although Sebastian knew how to brew the potion that removed the effects of his aura, he still came prepared with a bottle in his pocket and he handed it over.
âWhatâs been happening here this week? Have you been tormented as much as we were at Scrion?â he prompted curiously as he bent down to undo his laces and leave his shoes neatly at the door.
Sebastianâs stomach rolled as Biff kissed him but he smiled through the feeling. âThis isnât me saying I donât like the way you usually dress,â he said, taking the potion and downing it quickly. âItâs one of my favorite things about you. So many men these days still think itâs hot to wear cargo shorts and those tank tops and itâs hideous. But this...â he trailed off, grinning at the soft slide of the cotton beneath his palms as he smoothed his hands over Biffâs chest. âItâs possible just hot because itâs different?â He took the empty potion bottle to his sink and rinsed it, looking back to Biff. âYou know you donât have to bring these anymore right, babe? Iâve got it mastered. Just need a little bit of you to add to it. You donât have to waste your money at the marketplace.â
In an attempt to create the persona heâd be adopting come Sebastianâs party, and future public dates, heâd updated his wardrobe and was dressed considerably more casually than usual in a short-sleeved white t-shirt and dark blue jeans. The problem that had been causing havoc across campus seemed to have lessened significantly and he crossed the distance to Sebastianâs building with relative ease and ensuring the hallway was clear made his way to his room.
He still felt a little thrill when he was able to deactivate the sigils protecting the Bloodlineâs room and slipping inside, his eyes sought out his boyfriend immediately. âWell arenât you a sight for sore eyes.â he declared, smile naturally curling his lips. âIâve missed you this week.â
Sebastian was angry. He hadnât been sure of what to expect from his conversation with Mason, but he wasnât expecting what he got. He paced his room, eyebrows knitted together as he tried to figure out how he was supposed to proceed. Hadnât he and Quinnâs friendship fallen apart because of the fact that he didnât know how to listen to what she wanted? But now, he was being lectured for not listening to her further requests? He shook his head. It was ridiculous. Everything was ridiculous.Â
His head snapped up, shock on his face as his door opened. If Mason had really taken it upon himself to come over, he was going to be so m-- but he was greeted with Biffâs smiling face. And... oh. A very different style of dress than what he was used to. âAether, you look hot,â he said in lieu of a greeting. âHi.â He smiled a bit, moving over to Biff swiftly to pull him into a hug.
Mason: show her you meant it. show her that you'd be there for her no matter what, even when she doesn't seem like she wants you to. show her you weren't just saying words, that you can follow it up with action.
Mason: don't give up, sebastian. i know you're hurting, I've been there, and by all means, let it hurt, but just
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