My Journal

my personal thoughts and whatnot.

[secret--grove]

I've come to a revelation recently. I have made a huge, life-altering decision two days ago by getting a tattoo. It's absolutely beautiful, and I'm totally in love with it. But the fact that I made this decision, and I am not regretful of it, or filled with remorse of any kind, tells me that I am truly an adult now.

[secret--grove]

[secret--grove]

it’s done, i’m so totally lost. i have lost myself in the process of loving Dakota. i’m so utterly jealous, and paranoid, and any other disagreeable emotion involved with attraction that i make myself sick. i know that i should probably step away from him to get myself back, but i can’t bear to hurt him. and i know that people can see that i have this like internal conflict constantly, but i can’t do anything about it. fuck. 

[secret--grove]

Oh fuck here we go. I'm causing problems again. Me and my mother fucking jealousy. I don't understand why I have to tweet my inner thoughts sometimes. I guess I want people to see it and react but idk man. Fuck.

[secret--grove]

[secret--grove]

[secret--grove]

I'm a petty-ass bitch. Sabotaging my own relationship because I can't control myself.

[secret--grove]

I've been crying so much lately that tears no longer come forth.

[secret--grove]

[secret--grove]

I'm scared. So fucking scared of something I can't control. At least not at this point. Oh, fuck. I don't know what to do and I'm freaking the fuck out. Completely. I can't function. I can't concentrate on anything. I'm so fucking scared. I have no one to confide in. I'm embarrassed. I can't! Jesus fucking Christ.

[secret--grove]

[secret--grove]

But the worst part is I started talking to a guy, in a more intimate manner than just friends. We didn't get anywhere, just some suggesting texting. Not sure how I'm going to handle that, but I'm going to do it differently than just ignoring it till he "forgets" or gives up. I can't do that with everything. I have to be more vocal. That's one thing I've learned with Dakota. Most of the reason things became bad with us is that I didn't communicate with him as well as I should have. I don't want to make someone mad at me for being a bitch about these things.

[secret--grove]

[secret--grove]

I'm having an existential crisis.

[secret--grove]

[colmaimieivuoticonituoisorrisi]

[secret--grove]

So I had a hookup with a guy that I met a few months ago. Like, we met up in a parking lot and we made out and then hopped in his car and did the do. And I took his virginity. I'm not sure if I'm proud of that or what haha. But I half regret doing it and half don't. It's weird... I actually like him and I think he likes me... I'm not really sure about what we are to each other yet. I want to talk to him about it but I don't know how haha. I wouldn't mind if we were bf and gf ya know. I just want to know for sure. Cuz I don't want to go around hooking up with him a lot and not be together. That's not what I want. He wants to meet up at some point before I go upstate for a week, and I hope he doesn't want to hookup. If he does I'm gonna tell him no. :/