Here lies my hope for us..

And all the words I could never had the courage to say..

[secretsofasadheart]

Tuesday, October 18,2022

I watched a video talking about comparisons on how you feel about a person versus how a person makes you feel. It was extremely eye-opening and I feel like it's something I've should have been looking at a long time ago when it came to the people who have decided to leave. I had someone who came into my life, made me realize why it didn't work out with the previous person. They made me realize that I was not at fault for things that were blamed on me to ease other people's consciences. It was the first time I truly felt desired and felt like I not only had a lover, but a best friend too. He made me feel warm and giddy and loved. I could fill this blog with all the ways I miss him and our relationship. I could write novels of all of our memories and how they make me feel. But after reading this post, I realize that none of those feelings matter. They are a comfort that I am drowning in because all I want to do is get back to the familiarity that I miss so much, but in reality, it no longer exists. We are no longer the same people. Too much has occurred between the past and now. Those new memories and experiences lay on top of our past, making it harder to get to. I tell myself constantly that if I truly loved him, I would let him go. Yet I find it is hard when a person has given you so much to remember. I have tried lying to myself; saying that he never loved me, that I truly was a checkpoint in his life, and lots of other hurtful things to break my own heart further to get past this. Unfortunately, I know him all too well for any of it to be true. However, he has given me enough to go off of with just his actions and lack of words. He makes me feel like I'm not important in his life when he doesn't talk to me or initiate as much as I do. He makes me feel confused by certain things he says and does. He feels like the world's most complicated riddle and I feel dumb that I cannot solve it. I'm trying to let go of this, of him, so I can heal. Maybe I just need to manifest it harder.

[secretsofasadheart]

Thursday, June 1,2022

Nostalgia, Jealousy, and Relief

If I were to describe today using three words, those would be it. Seeing you today and to be able to talk to you so freely brought me back to how things used to be. How we still have a way of saying what the other was thinking and meeting each other's eyes when a joke is said and laughing together. Although I have given up on you and on us, I can't deny that the world still seems to fade away when I'm with you. It reminded me of all the times we had and how we were caught up in each other. I was pleasantly surprised that you complimented my hair. I can't tell you how much missed receiving compliments from you and how much I regret fighting you when you did instead of just saying thank you. I wonder if you say the blush on my face as you commented on the color too. I could not help but feel a twinge of jealousy when I walked closer to you and saw the direction of your claddagh ring. The heart pointed inwards to signify that you are taken. Maybe it's as serious as I thought and you're playing it off to spare my feelings. The jealousy seemed to only grow when you told me you're going to get your ears pierced. It was something you and I had talked about getting done, but you said you wouldn't. Talking about wearing a necklace eventually also caught me off guard. Why is it that when we talked about these things when we were together, you didn't want to? I cannot help but feel so inferior to her if she has the power to change your mind on these sort of things when I couldn't. It honestly hurts that she has the you I always knew you could be and all I have is the memories of us and an unrequited longing for someone who I cannot have. There was relief though while we were talking. I missed talking to you even though I deny it to others. Even though it has been several weeks, it still amazes me how we fall back into place like no time had passed. You just make me feel at ease and it is so easy to talk to you. Even racing home made me laugh and smile just a little bit. I'm glad it's finally getting easier to be around you. I hope that our friendship continues to grow and flourish while we are doing our own thing. 💛💛

[secretsofasadheart]

Wednesday, May 18,2022

I am laying Us to rest. We are not only ending a chapter of our lives, but the entire story. Here lies our memories, our love, and our future together. I want to thank you for coming into my life when you did and I want to thank you for staying as long as you did. Meeting you is honestly one of the best things that has happened to me. You have reminded me what I loved about the concept of love. It is patient, forgiving, and everlasting. You have helped me through the darkest of times and have seen me at my lowest points, yet still loved me through it all. I have only dreamed about a love like ours before I met you. I had always wanted to be with my best friend; someone I could be completely open with and not fear them viewing me differently. A love that was star-crossed and only fate played her hand in our story. I wanted to know someone's story. Their past, their present, their future. To see them grow into their best selves and still love them if and when they faltered. Just to be able to love absolutely, completely, and unconditionally. And I did, I did with you. With you, I felt as if depression never touched my heart nor my mind. Anxiety was a stranger. If I caught a glimpse of either, you were always there to ease the pain. I can never thank you enough for all the times you helped me through episodes. All the nights you would reach out and wipe tears from my eyes, helping me even my breaths, all while rocking me back and forth in your arms. I'll never be able to express how often my heart melted when you would pull me into your lap princess style whenever I had an intrusive thought. My relationship with you and the memories I have of us have shaped me into the person I am today. Though we are now apart, I still have love for you. Honestly, I will always have love for you. Right now, you are my best friend, but I'll always see you as my person. There isn't anyone who knows me like you do. With a heavy heart, I must try and lay to rest that thought and that love. It is a difficult decision, but it is one I must make in order to heal from this heartache. I will still love you, but as your friend from now on. Goodbye, my love.

Love now & always, Dani ♡

[secretsofasadheart]

Saturday, May 14,2022.

I remember when time used to fly by with us. Entire days still felt short when we were together. Time feels so different now that we're apart. Days seem to drag on and never end. I guess the saying is true; it flies by when you're having fun. I'm sure time still feels the same for you. New relationships are always exciting. I wonder if you realize it's already been one month for you. For me, it feels like 3. Maybe I only feel this way because you moved on fast, faster than I did. I wonder if you know it's been 9 months since I was yours and you were mine. Your new relationship has me restarting the healing process. I can only distance myself so far from you. I don't understand why I still gravitate towards you. We're not together and you're with someone else. Is it our memories that keep me rooted here? Is it the way you can make me smile during the hardest of times? The fact that no one else can make me laugh as hard as you do? Or is it the way that I just feel at peace in your presence. I wish I could narrow down the reason I stay here. The reason why my feelings for you remain despite everything that has happened. It especially hurts to be treated so differently by you. Every now and then I get a glimpse of how we used to be and it fades just as quickly as it appears. I have to remind myself not to get caught up in those situations. You are not the same person you were back then and you are not in a situation in which I can act how I usually would even if you were. It is difficult to navigate with you. How honest can I be, what can I even tell you anymore? Are we friends or just acquaintances with memories? There are times where I feel like I don't even know you. The way you react and talk to me now is just so different to what I know. It's hurtful to think you dislike me or even resent me for some reason. I want to talk to you but I feel like I can't. You have a person to confide to that isn't me. And it sucks because you're the only person I trust with the darkest thoughts in my mind. Even if I could talk to you, how do I tell you that my heart and my mind are in shambles over this? Over your happiness? It just feels selfish..

[secretsofasadheart]

Wednesday, May 12,202.

I can't keep doing this. I can't. I know we said that we would stay friends, but my heart breaks to see you take this so easily. You told me you were seeing someone new and it felt worse than the actual breakup. It was bound to happen eventually and I knew that. How could it not? I'm not surprised to hear that someone else fell for those gorgeous eyes, the way you run you push back your hair when you laugh, the way your voice goes up an octave when you find something really funny. I want to see you happy and I want you to experience different types of love. I just didn't expect you to walk in today with a hickey on your neck. The moment I saw it, my heart twinged with jealousy, with hurt. I thought you didn't like hickeys there? And then my mind starts to spiral. Maybe he didn't like it when you did it? Maybe she does it better than you? So many thoughts, each more hurtful than the last. How much longer can I keep up being around you? Everything just hurts with you now and I don't know how or if that hurt will ever go away. I don't know how we'll ever be the same. It just feels like I don't know you and you don't care to know me. I'm tired of being left on read and not hearing from you for weeks. I thought we were friends. I thought I was your "best friend". It really doesn't feel like it. It just feels like I'm an acquaintance really and you only put up with seeing me week after week because I'm in that group. I feel like if I never joined, we would never talk or keep in touch. I'm honestly wondering if it would be better off that way..

[secretsofasadheart]

Monday, April 25,2022.

Today is one of those days that just makes me frustrated. I feel fine, but really I’m hurting inside because it’s been two weeks and I haven’t heard a word from the one I want most. I feel like a bad friend and a psycho. I should be happy for him because that’s what friends do. I should be happy for him because that’s what love is. It’s being happy for them even when you’re sobbing your eyes out wanting nothing but the comfort of the person who hurt you. Writing it out sounds more fucked up than it is. He makes me want to be irrational, to drop everything and move away, just to see if he’ll miss me, just to see if he would even notice. I would do it to see if he would even care. It’s Monday and I came across a photo of them together. I was right, she’s cute. He looked so happy to have his arm around her the way he’d wrap his arms around me. This is why I feel like a psycho. I can’t let go of the past even when the past is all I have left of us. Why can’t I let go? Holding onto the past was an issue for us back then, haven’t I learned anything considering that he’s gone? Maybe I’m holding on to the past because it made me happy. While we had our rough patches, it definitely made me happier than how I feel now. I want to reach out to him and ask for my stuff back, but I can’t bring myself to craft the message. I can’t bring myself to break the silence first. I feel like he already has it boxed up for me. That’s definitely a crushing feeling of itself. I can’t help but imagine them sleeping together in our sheets, with our stuffed animals. I can’t even bring myself to ask for them back because I know it would only make me think of him. I would blame my period, but truthfully I’m feeling all of these emotions because I never healed. I pushed down what I was feeling to be the perfect best friend for him. Lied to myself by shoving down disappointment and swiping away tears at the last second so he wouldn’t notice, so he wouldn’t ask questions I couldn’t truthfully answer, not without going over things we have talked about so many times before. If I’m being honest, I didn’t want to change the way he saw me. I didn’t want him to think I was crazy, obsessed, delusional, any of it. Why am I so focused on what HE wants and what HE thinks? Why does it matter so much still to me? We’re not together and I was a fool for ever believing he’d wake up and realize his mistake. I was naive for having this mindset that we’d get back together, for thinking we could just forget all that has happened in the past months. Why is it so hard to let go? To avoid selecting everything and hitting delete all? To hit unfriend and unfollow and put everything he ever gave me into a box in the back of my closet. I can tell you why, but it’s a stupid answer. Even after all that we’ve been through, I still want him. He is my comfort, my safety, my best friend, my person. He is the only one I’ve ever bared the entirety of my soul to. For years, I’ve had secrets that have never seen the light, yet I trusted him with my entire being. Every fiber, every molecule, every ounce of trust. I begged him not to shatter me. Handed him what remained of my trust with a little fragile tag. What hurts the most is he doesn’t even have a clue what he puts me through. And I don’t tell him out of fear of losing the one person who knows me better than even I know myself. My life doesn’t feel like the romantic comedy I’ve always dreamed of, but more like the tragedies of Shakespearean plays I used to read about..

[secretsofasadheart]

Places..

If I had the option of being over him or under him, I would still choose to be under him. I feel like that's where I'd be right now if he were still mine. When I imagined our anniversary, I imagined a day filled with dates and adventures; making new memories as we found ourselves unintentionally getting into trouble, leaving mischief as we went. As the day wound down, we'd grab dinner either somewhere nice or hitting our usual spots or even somewhere we haven't been in a while. We'd cruise around downtown, reminiscing on old spots that were ours and ours alone. Head home and cuddle up while we watch one of our shows and just be happy and giddy in each other's presence. And then like clockwork, cuddling turns into more scandalous behavior; accidental shifting and butterfly kisses that just so happen to deepen and become intoxicating. Laughing into each other's mouths as we realize when we watch the show again, we won't know what's going on as we've lost track of time and only now pause the video. Just becoming lost in the last we have for one another, but also reminding one another with longing stares and light kisses that, "I love you and I can't express how lucky I am to have found you". Becoming wide awake after electrifying nights and laughing because, once again, it's 2 in the morning and we can't sleep. We'd talk just about anything and everything. Moments of uncontrollable laughter where we're both left gasping for air to more serious and thought provoking ones. Sex was never what kept us up all night but it was what came after. You'd think that undressing in front of someone was when you became your most vulnerable, but it was when you could completely bare your soul to someone and be completely honest in the hours where most everyone slept. Eventually, eyes became too heavy to keep open and eventually shut, taking the all too familiar room with it. The last thing I would feel was his arms wrapping around me as if I would disappear if he didn't. That was the last thing I felt before the world faded away into darkened silence. But that is only my imagination, my reality is that I have spent this day alone. I did not even have the heart to even conjure up the memory of him, of us. I'm not even sure if he knows what today is, of what today was. You'd think I'd wish for me to be over it, to be over him, but I would not wish for it. No, if I could wish for a place for me to be, it would be where I belong, beside him. Beside my best friend and the one I trust more than anyone else. I wish to be where everything once was. I used to always be his passenger, his ride or die. I now reside in the place as his best friend. Sure, there are worse places to be, but I would think not. It is difficult being so close to him, yet being just beyond reach. It's hard to be needed close by, but not as close as we once were. Instead I look thru a glass pane as others catch his interest and they now hold the place I used to be. No longer his amber as now she's his shade of gold. Now I'm just a silver girl with a tarnished heart..

04/16/2022💔

[secretsofasadheart]

Catch me before I fall again

Deeper and deeper into this rut I'm in

Catch me before it's too late

Before I make a mistake that seals my fate

Catch me before I shatter

Remind me that even I matter

Catch me if you love me

Show me this is meant to be