DAZOVLEM.

[seeingthroughblindeyes]

You answered your phone when you should have been asleep. You heard the deafening silence and you knew I rang for a reason. The words escaped me just as my breath did. "Darren?" "I don't know what I'm doing..." That stunned second of silence whilst I heard you swallow the lump in your throat, you had been through this before and you knew what was coming. "Where are you?" "I'm at the edge of the bridge and I'm scared I don't know what I'm doing and I don't want to do it but I just can't.." "What's happened? You can always tell me" "It's me and my Dad again but I know he hates me, he can't stand me being in the same house as him" "Darren, please come away from the ledge, climb back over the ledge and sit down for me please?!" "Okay" The line went dead and I knew you assumed the worst but I couldn't talk. "Are you sat down?" "I am, I'm safe I promise" "Tell me what happened" I began to tell you how I didn't even really know what was happening until I struggled for breath on the ledge but that me and my Dad had a huge fight and he said he hated me. A Police Car came close, one officer took the phone from me whilst the other told me it wasn't the way to go and told me he had been there and that things get better and that you were the best friend I could have had. You lied to the other Police Officer because they'd take me to see someone to be psychologically analysed. We rarely speak these days. But you promised me things would get better. Me and my Dad are like best friends now. I have a gorgeous home, a job that I love and I have never been happier than I am right now. Thank you for being on the end of that phone.

The things that haunt me. - @seeingthroughblindeyes

[seeingthroughblindeyes]

So!

If anybody still follows me on here that used to. You'll know that I was in a hell of a lot of debt due to somebody I no longer allow to be part of my life anymore. I've lived in fear of spending money on myself for so long! (Only spending money when necessary or when friends need me, like travelling to Plymouth and making myself skint or travelling up to Edinburgh, just to try and help people) I'd treat myself to new underwear, socks or shoes and feel guilty for about a month afterwards and put money towards debt instead of food etc. Well I've recently found out I'm ALMOST debt free and will be completely debt free within the next few weeks! So after two and a half years of stressing about money, I'm going to enjoy my hard earned cash from now on. Going to get myself a new Motorbike, I'm going to travel and I'm going to treat myself whenever I can! I'm going to take myself on Holiday, despite the fact I know I'll be going by myself because nobody will want to come with me. But I'm going to do it, here's a massive fuck you to the person who tried ruining my life, Depression, Personalisation, Anxiety and making myself ill with worry. I've been working really hard this year and I can count on one hand, how many bad days I've had since January when they used to be several times a week! Here's to me, re-writing my future! Chasing my dreams and putting myself first for once in my life!

[seeingthroughblindeyes]

In the Garden of my mind, there are Forests of great Trees that I look up to, meadows of plants that I gaze upon with joy but she is the Flower I admire the most. The Purple Viola amongst the great Trees, the people I look up to in life and out of all of them, she grabs my attention the most. Vibrant, bright and so delicate that I just want to protect her from everything in the world but then I forget that she's made it this far herself, growing where she barely sees the light. Amongst all that's around her, trying to overshadow her, she has still managed to bloom. She apologises that she is not a tree that I can climb but what she doesn't realise I love the Veins amongst her Petals, I adore how her colours brighten my day when I'm around her how I can talk and she always listens instead of rustling her Leaves like the Trees. The way her Stem is always so strong even when she starts to wilt, her Stem, her Will is so strong that once she gets the Water, the help that she needs to start flourishing again, she tries her best to be as strong as the Trees. She tries her best to be as beautiful as the Meadows. What she doesn't realise is that for her to become as beautiful, as strong as she has, in the almost complete darkness of the odds stacked against her, she is stronger than any of the Trees and she doesn't even know it. She apologises that sometimes I need to Water her, to encourage her to keep going and keep growing. She apologises when she begins to wilt but she doesn't realise that I'm still proud to have her in my Garden, that she is still my favourite and that she is still the Flower that gives me hope, that inspires me to be as strong as her. She doesn't realise that she is the strongest in my Garden. One day, I'll help re-plant her out the forest into a Meadow. My little Passionflower.

For one of the most remarkable and bravest Girls I know. - Seeingthroughblindeyes (via “http://seeingthroughblindeyes.tumblr.com/”)

[seeingthroughblindeyes]

She was the kind of Girl who could walk on into the room and every guy would turn and look at her; hell, even some girls would look at her but her eyes would only ever land on me. This Girl, with the biggest Hazel eyes, her hair effortlessly flowed just to her shoulders; those eyes, man I could’ve just got lost in them, just as well I had that smile to bring me back home again. She always looked at me like I was the only person in her world that mattered, like I was made of Gold and she touched me like I was the most precious thing on the face of this planet. This girl knew me like I was her favourite novel and she was my favourite chapter in my life.

Paragraph poetry: The Little Things That Matter - (via “http://seeingthroughblindeyes.tumblr.com/)

[seeingthroughblindeyes]

I’m sick of being told I have to act my age. When I was a kid, I used to tell almost every Adult in my life that I can’t wait to grow up and be like them. They always told me I shouldn’t wish that and as a kid I didn’t understand why it was bad that I should wish to be able to get my loved ones into a car and take them out or why it was bad I would be able to give my family a home to call their own and why it was bad I wanted a job that seemed so cool. Looking back, I know it’s because deep down, every Adult out there knows how scary it really is to grow up, to grow up and realise the best friends you have at age 4 aren’t always going to be there when you need them the most. How the days you could just go up and join in with some fun or games will turn into days where you get bullied for the way you’re dressed. They know that this world we live in will steal your innocence, that it will break you down and make you vulnerable, they don’t tell you that love is a precious thing you should keep close and dear because they want you to love everything while you can, before you give your heart away for it to be broken for the first time and they don’t tell you that your dreams, your talents and your passions are very unlikely to become the job you have for the rest of your life. They don’t tell you that trust is something that is very easily broken and hard to fix or put right because once trust is broken it releases fear which makes us constantly want to look over our shoulder or question everything until the day you might just be lucky enough to meet somebody to show you how to get rid of that fear. They don’t tell you that the reason you have a bed time is so that you can experience a good nights sleep before debt and stress steal your dreams from the night surrounding you when you’re laying in bed and instead they fill you with all of these little lies like Santa Claus, Magic, The Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, they tell you that someday you’ll have your very own fairy tale and you picture a grand house on top of a hill with the partner of your dreams and a nice Car with a Dog and Children of your own and I used to be so fucking angry about it but now I finally understand. They want you to be the happiest you can fucking be before the world gets to you and you have to go through all the shit and pretend you’re okay. Because that’s what growing up is. So the reason I act immature sometimes is because for that moment that I am, I feel like I did as a Child and in that short space of time, that moment, I have not one care in the world, I am happy and I am free. So the next time you see me fun fighting or acting silly with a friend, don’t tell me to act my age or grow up because I’ve had enough of the world telling me I have to be serious about everything all the time and I guarantee that if I gave you the chance to do it, you’d want to play a silly childhood game with your friends or re-live an old memory, one last time.

Don’t tell me to grow up.- (via “http://seeingthroughblindeyes.tumblr.com/”)

[seeingthroughblindeyes]

I love how she always falls asleep before me when we plan to go to bed. I love the way that even in her sleep, she’ll reach for my hand and that without even trying and without adjusting where my fingers are, hers just interlock with mine effortlessly. The way that sometimes she’ll turn over, open her eyes for just a half moment and smile at me like I’m the most perfect thing she’s ever seen. How whenever she’s having a bad dream, she’ll pull me in closer or stroke her feet down my shins as she cuddles me in closer. I love the way that even in her sleep, if I say “I love you”, she will smile, even if it’s just a tiny one.

Paragraph poetry: The Little Things That Matter. - (via “http://seeingthroughblindeyes.tumblr.com/”)

[seeingthroughblindeyes]

When I leave our home, I still whisper “I love you” under my breath because I have to tell her every day. Sometimes I wait until she’s sound asleep and then pull her in close because there was once a time when my touch would warm her through and she would smile at me and now it’s like my touch burns her, it used to feel like my love could keep her warm on an otherwise lonely night but now my passion is a fire she’s trying to escape from. She’ll pull away from me like my hand is a branding iron, like she’s scared she’ll blister when in reality I’d still try my best to protect her from any harm I can, she’s the most beautiful thing I hold dear in this simple life of mine. But anytime I feel like there may be a bit of a spark again, like when I hear her laugh or see her smile, I look but only to see that the fire in her eyes has failed to ignite again. Whenever I’m by myself all I see, hear and smell are the memories I love of us. I’m too scared to read the book she wrote in in case I smudge the pencil handwriting that looks like it belongs in some fairytale and I’m worried that if I use her pillow that some day I won’t be able to smell her there anymore and then I think about how, just like the pencil handwriting, I am not permanent and I’m erasable and temporary. I worry that one day I’m just going to be another stranger and she’ll forget about me like an imaginary friend that kids have, I’m worried I am but Pencil strokes in this chapter, that I’m just writing in the sand, soon to be washed away by the tide or footprints in the snow that have another pathway trodden over. Like the moon I’ll be forgotten about by tomorrow and it kills me because if I had it my way, I would be the Sun that she woke up to every morning.

Things that keep me up at night. - Seeingthroughblindeyes (via “http://seeingthroughblindeyes.tumblr.com/”)

[seeingthroughblindeyes]

Sometimes in life, people pass by each other, Planets that were never meant to Orbit. Other times in life we’re like Asteroids colliding into each other forever changing the we way we are. Sometime’s you’ll come across people that are like Supernova’s, everything revolves around them and they’ll self destruct, destroying all that they touch. Sometimes we’ll gaze upon a Shooting Star, makes our wishes come true and gives us that little hope. We’re all Stars in somebody’s eyes. I am a Stargazer. You are my favourite Constellation.

Things that keep me up at night. - Seeingthroughblindeyes (via “http://seeingthroughblindeyes.tumblr.com/”)

[ridethestarstothemoon]

Nobody wants me. But that's okay. I don't want me either.

[seeingthroughblindeyes]

I want you Lau. My little Vegan Sous Chef.

[seeingthroughblindeyes]

I had to stop myself from coming on here a LOT in the recent past purely because there were just too many bad memories and feelings on here. But this is a message to any of my old friends that I have on here. I've exited a chapter in my life that had certain pages of good but a hell of a lot of bad and I want anybody I've hurt, upset or ignored, that I am truly sorry. I'm not looking for people to message me telling me everything's cool, I just feel that there's some amends to be made. So if I hurt you in any way over the last few years. Drop me a message. I'd like to apologise properly. Maybe work things out or even just apologise and go our separate ways.

[seeingthroughblindeyes]

Sometimes in life, people pass by each other, Planets that were never meant to Orbit. Other times in life we’re like Asteroids colliding into each other forever changing the we way we are. Sometime’s you’ll come across people that are like Supernova’s, everything revolves around them and they’ll self destruct, destroying all that they touch. Sometimes we’ll gaze upon a Shooting Star, makes our wishes come true and gives us that little hope. We’re all Stars in somebody’s eyes. I am a Stargazer. You are my favourite Constellation.

Things that keep me up at night. - Seeingthroughblindeyes (via “http://seeingthroughblindeyes.tumblr.com/”)

[yourcoffeeguru]

[thenordroom]

[kushandwizdom]

If you don't have good intentions, please just leave me alone. I'm tired.

[eatsleepjohnmayer]

Just be fucking honest about how you feel about people while you’re alive.

John Mayer (via eatsleepjohnmayer)

[boredandmoist-deactivated201704]

This time last year I was unemployed, broke, and suicidal.

Today, I just got the keys to my first house.

Give it time.

[blk0912]

Needed this today

[healthycomfyhappy]

when you hear people preach that it gets better, they aren’t joking. if it’s not better yet, it will be. 

[iwillmakeyoubelieeve]

this post could literally be saving lives rn and that is why i love this website.

[seeingthroughblindeyes]

Six years ago, I was an alcoholic in an abusive relationship where I was abused mentally, physically, sexually and emotionally, I was suicidal and despite being sober for a little while and getting a job, I still felt suicidal. I found myself at a bridge, toes just past the ledge when I phoned one of my dearest friends. She answered, I didn't reply. She knew there was something wrong and she asked me what I was doing, I broke down "I don't know" I cried through tears of defeat. She begged me to come away from the ledge, I did and she promised me that things would get better and that this wasn't my time or the right thing to do. She told me I'll message her one day telling her how great I'm doing and I'll understand why she's persuading me to come away and to get somewhere safe.

I text her a couple weeks ago now, all excited because I have a beautiful home now, complete with a Garden and Garage. I'm also one of the most respected and decorated Chefs in my Region for the company I work for and they want to put me into management. I've also been sober 6 years.

IT REALLY DOES GET BETTER AND I FUCKING PROMISE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU THAT! It might not be today. Maybe not tomorrow but it gets better and I would love it if you made sure you lived to see that day.

[excerptsofstories]

“Do you believe in a second love?” “I believe there are two loves in your life, your significant other, and yourself. The people who find a second love either don’t love themselves, or never loved the first person.”

Excerpt from a book I will never write #229 // anna gamal (via excerptsofstories)