Herbert

The digital diary of a daughter, chosen by God

[selfelegy]

oh oh tori knows the me i am right now. he knows me and i know him. i dont know them, i dont know abel and honora at all, and that is mutual. they only know who i was before they stopped letting me in

[selfelegy]

ok idk how representative of reality this is but i was considering why i reacted so positively to tori’s saying they’re having another kid, if i liked him.i don’t think i like him but the observer does and im looking for things i do to see it too. and i remember that feeling when i met tori and he was so freaking awesome and better than anything i could have asked for, and then he said his wife was having a baby, and he’s leaving for 6 weeks. and my stomach dropped and it all turned sour, and obviously i attributed that to me being sad he’s unavailable. but it felt like loss. and now, i realize i felt that way because i assumed he was out of reach, permanently. it wasn’t so much i liked him, i just didn’t have faith that i could maintain the closeness i perceived without it being about my feminity. ykwim?? i didn’t think he would wanna be around me cuz he has a girl. and i didn’t like tori, or the idea of him, i liked how he saw me, and it made me brave. that’s what i liked, and that’s platonic. that’s respect. truly. so when he told me his colleen is pregnant again, i was genuinely excited for them two. the moment he said that, my breath almost hitched, but it was because i remembered honora. why did i celebrate their announcement?? when did i stop seeing us all as a family?

[selfelegy]

tori fights a lot of fights for me. not with me, FOR me. idk i’m not sure i’ve ever experienced someone getting defensive in my name in front of me. in different contexts, in every context. i didn’t realize how much trust ive earned, how much relief i have found in his safety. i can do it on my own, but it’s just leagues better with him

[selfelegy]

“this is not about where you’ve been, but where your brokeness brings you too”

“i can’t reach without something to offer, i can’t come now, i am so ashamed…are you growing weary of all my good intentions cuz i know that you don’t work that way”

“my heart needs a surgeon, my soul needs a friend, so i run to the father again and again and again and again”

what love is this? that He bore my sin so that i may bear His righteousness. that even here, in this body of sin and decay, even these dying arms can life up in praise, and the songs of my rotting lips are a sweet aroma to the Supreme God of the universe. the One above it all. the One who speaks and mountains tremble, the One who lifts His hand, and the dead rise up. that millions of years before anything we’ve ever known, He called me by name. fashioned me with a purpose that can only be fulfilled by Him through me. who am i? that the God i cursed, the God i turned away from in pride and in shame, the God i was enemies with, came running after me. thank you Jesus, thank you God, for loving me.

[selfelegy]

Forgive my anger Lord. it’s just, there are new wounds that lay within me. at times he says things that slightly brush up against them, and it reminds me of they’re existence

and i’ve tried, i’ve tried, to overwrite this pain with logic and understanding, but i have nothing of recent to bolster it with.

in moments of judgement and accusation, i call upon my younger self, who i used to be, to defend his character, his love as an older brother, to prove its there and its always been there.

but these past 2 years, i have been remembering my past, and unveiling its deception

how unreliable my memory can be

i’ve only recently, i think since Cameron, woah, started remembering my hands in my memories, rather than my mouth or my eyes. now, i look back, and i remember. i used to look back and watch. look back and recite.

so her testimony falls like snow in the ocean. beautiful, but otherwise insignificant.

i don’t belive her

forgive me Lord, he loves me, i know i know. he is plauged by time my God, he has courted and wed and will bear child with it. i think he is trapped in this life he made, just like my parents. biruk is desperate to catch up, and im left wondering when it all changed. when it all died, when it all got dark.

anyways i smoked

it’s always been broken. i’ve never been without sin and nor has anyone in my family. to except nothing but frictionless love is unreasonable and silly. i turn to my God and see what unconditional love looks like. and i am filled. and fulfilled. i can never lack, no matter what they take from me. my God is infinite, my new creations capacity for His love, bottomless.

i can never lack. i can hurt, and i will be, but that does not mean i lack. that just means i am a sinner, and so are they. i am free to forgive, i am even freer to love.

praise my God

[selfelegy]

i didn’t realize this is why my anger lessened. all this time, i thought this revelation that i can love Abel and Honora because of what the cross has done was new to me. but here He is, reminding me of what satisfaction i have in Him. and look what He taught me “i am free to forgive and ever freer to love”

😭😭😭😭 isn’t that soo true?? even admits this tension with abel with the baby shower, the only thing that has held my tongue has been Jesus Christ. in a very practical sense, the aknowledgement of the cross extinguishes the heat of my pride. there is no benefit in chases justice here, voicing my hurt and forcing him to say it too. what do i gain? isn’t Abel my brother? Honora my sister? their child, my family?? O Lord please keep eroding the stone of my heart, give me one of flesh

[selfelegy]

so there’s no rsvp by date btw

only sent to mom

u still prefer we didn’t come???

[selfelegy]

i read these stories to borrow their feelings, their affections. hoping the story is filling enough to cover this gap in my heart, some canyon left behind by someone, a chasm that’s never known water.

[selfelegy]

thinking of fruits baskets makes me wanna cry

idk, who i was reading that, in like 8th grade

gosh, i just wanted to be loved

[selfelegy]

i’m thinking, when was the hardest time?

probably when i was 13, or wait no 19, holy moly definitely 22. yeah, 2022 has probably some of the worst days of my life. is this true? i shudder to try to place myself in her head, like im not tryna feel alldat.

and then i think, when was the best time?

probably right now

genuine thought, and i glanced up at myself and i can feel the light. in weight, in hue, it’s all changed up here. it felt like a meadow, clear skies, and a glorious son. and i think this year is the closest i’ve been to God. i don’t want to die. i want to live. i love that i can live, and don’t want to squander the time i have. this year is the year ive spent the most time in reflection of my God. in the Word, considering it. and the thing is, if u asked me this question last year, i would say that year too! i think every year, it will just get better, as my knowledge of my God increases. isnt that Grace?

[selfelegy]

idk, i also feel like, he’s….idk…good for me? maybe i don’t need it chemical swings or the nervous system overactivation to be into someone anymore. maybe the absence of breath hitching and the stomach dropping is the evidence of healing, not the evidence of shallowness.

i think of him often. gosh i’m wondering why it’s different than others. i guess he’s the first one in front of me, maybe i don’t have room for fantasies that defined my previous entanglements cuz he’s too rigid for theory. maybe i’m not nervous because im careful and observant.

i have to constantly remind myself his soul will not yield the fruit i am looking for. seriously, no amount of community and love and acceptance can substitute the overwhelming satisfaction i know is found in Christ. i have it, i have tasted it. i want it for the rest of my life. man the least i can do is show matt Jesus. the LEAST (which is rlly the MOST).

[selfelegy]

yo i was buggulating

[selfelegy]

a it better to love and to love than to never love at all

[selfelegy]

chatgpt said i needed more positives so:

i went to game night yesterday and we played can’t say uhm XD and it was fun!! i had a blast. i made fried oreos, matt INHALED two and then said his body’s rejecting them that guy is slooo funny. the girls are cute, i was entertaining myself by nudging everyone around me conversationally. if i just sat there, oh yeah everyone would make conversation actually. everyone is so cool bro tom and luke kept making funny 4chan type jokes about jews and china eating dogs, and bro i was trying to have them guess “cool” which has always been SO hard so i said “when it’s hot outside, you want to blank urself off” cool urself off, i think that’s a very typical but specific phrase. but too many ppl laughed and it was not funny. i laughed the first time but only because everyone was laughing. idk those jokes r so immature, when i see the connection im like disgusted with myself bruh. not all the time (idk but i sound prideful and chat didnt want this)

i made a side eye joke w ray that was funny. the games were fun, i laughed a lot. it was an interesting night

and today i played val with isaac!! and then we ended the night playing 2v2 geoguesser 😭😭

that guy is so cool i had a lot of fun playing val with him. we started so late cuz he lost power after our FIRST game. and i didnt see his text until 6:30 cuz i was cleaning. bro cleaning. why is this shit so unappealing like how r ppl convincing themselves

[selfelegy]

Identity is less like discovering a hidden artifact and more like strengthening a pathway.

What direction am I reinforcing daily?

[selfelegy]

i want to make them happy so they leave me alone, truly

make them happy so they’re good and i’m good and no one is hurt and we are united in the supreme blood of Christ and we love each other whole heartedly

[selfelegy]

sometimes i forget this whole thing with Abel started with the argument. i just emotionally checked out of the entire thing. my words my wishes my recommendations, none of them were respected. they were all heard, but not respected. a hard distinction. it’s the difference between my parents being present and them being involved. sure they’re there, but what use is that to me now? all they’ve done is take up space. nothing back to me as pure and easy and weightless as unconditional love.

matt mcp said i should send them a letter. a card or soemthing saying congrats, and that i am really excited they’re having a baby.

i’m not excited, i don’t think i care. thinking about xmas time, like was i supposed to scream or soemthing? when have i ever been suprised and exclaimed? i don’t like surprises, but i love honora and abel. i truly do.

i’ve just been mimicking the distance theyve created.

matt mcp said abel is probably the punching bag for her as she’s hormonal and stuff and they haven’t moved yet so he’s prolly insecure as a man so all he can do fr is dote on her so if she’s feelin some type of way then he’s gonna step in.

which fine, but he’s been pretty lax with this whole thing and i’ve been bothered to the core of my soul.

i’m really struggling to understand if i’m angry at them in a way i haven’t yet given up to God. idk how true that is, because no way im angry at them i do love them. in theory i think, when they’re in front of me, they enter this bubble and i tread lightly between them both. it used to be top heavy and i would lean to him, but ive stopped that too.

a part of me is soooo desperate to protect my younger self. to protect the girl still looking for that Abel because she’s jsut gonna be disappointed. and i think if im close in proximity, my laugh starts to sound like how it did a decade ago. well start making niche jokes or fall into the same habits together and it’ll almost feel like how it did. but the reality that he’s not there anymore comes clanging like a gong, with her unfortunately. it used to be weird, but never like this. never like how it’s been the last year. i’ve noticed the distance and ive just started to get comfortable with how far they are, but now it seems they’ve felt the distance and feel like they’re owed my closeness.

i’m not fake. i won’t say one thing and mean the other, and i won’t not say one thing and mean the other. i bear no grudge nor ill will towards them. they wanted it one way, im giving it to them. and honestly, idk if my reaction would have been different if it was legit my sister that was pregnant

there’s a very small and sinister voice that almost hates this child. like i rmbr when they talked about having a baby, i wondered if that would break them apart. not having kids. the thought was most hopeful…it was incredibly selfish and sad honestly. i think ive since been appreciating the fact that the Lord blessed them with a child, but im not gonna celebrate like it’s isaac yk. cool, u have a baby, are u gonna have another? should i sign and dance for that one? would that make u guys happy?

[selfelegy]

bro..i don’t think matt mcp is as funny as i laugh it out to be.

theees such a weird distinction with these men and me laughing and convincing myself they’re funny but im rlly just laughing AT them. they don’t do anything funny, they’re just a peculiar individual and it tickles me

[selfelegy]

i was playin w kaia, makin her laugh, as we played tug of war with her bag. i pulled too hard and ripped it, and watched as her smile faded and her eyes welled up. my best friend, i never thought i would ever make her cry like that. i think that’s when i realized intentions don’t excuse impact. it’s when i learned who i am may not be well suited for the people i love