Herbert @selfelegy - Tumblr Blog

that’s the need being met. not my sexual desire, it’s just my normal human one that wants physical contact. “if i’m not being touched how do i know im alive?” it’s still, a substitute. is it a inherently sinful one? probably, idk many other things, this sin here im not sure is the sexual immorality, until it is, and nor the fantasy, until it is. but sometimes, it’s just a lonely girl tryna feel less alone. and the sin there is looking for satisfaction in something other than God

all my best recent hugs have been my mom and jasmine. from me squeezing and holding on maybe a beat too long. that’s how it’s been for the last 3 years i guess. i go weeks without touching anyone, and without being held. i, i don’t know, i feel like a pressure cooker sometimes. so much energy but nowhere to go and im afraid ill forget to want it or forget to hold it back. not sure which is worse

i was like 7/8 at six flags. drowned after the water pulled me in too far. lifeguard had already warned me. he was prolly 18, white, handsome in my memories. he jumped in and saved me, and he was holding me up with one hand, and he was like see that’s why i said don’t go too far in, and i said i know i was trying, and then the memory gets. hazy. idk maybe that’s when it started

whatever smoking is doing to my brain is the same thing the smut is doing. like i use both these things to do the same thing almost. smut because there’s no physical tradeoff with it. in fact, the positive physical tradeoff is why i use half the time. i need to work out bro my body is starting to deteriorate. all my muscle has atrophied, im so weak and susceptible. i need to strengthen my heart, help my neck with my back, my lungs with my core. gosh everything is so sedentary, stiff and disconnected. i want to be able to do things. today i didn’t work basically, i just played valorant. and i sent a half communication, i need to rmbr to make that time. but i played like 8-10 comp games and none of them were easy, except one breeze game where everyone on my team was just in flow state and we were havin fun. that was such a fun lobby. same with the summit one. omg and the split one. no i had fun, and it was the c4 kid i meant on the breeze game. he added me and we queued. he’s, kinda reliable. tho i never spectate his view, because he is literally always dead. he is so impatient and arrogant and runs in n dies, but some rounds it works amd he swears. bruh, boys r soo funny. he’s just funny to just observe. it was an entertaining day. i think i like val because im competitive and lonely. val is like, i want to keep doing what i know im capable of, and i want to face stronger opponents. i’m stuck in this stupid elo, genuinely. could i face in a asc lobby? i think i mvp my last game up there. i still get too nervous up there. down here im fairly certain im the best in the lobby. i’m too smart and too good on too many agents. i’m so reliable and cool in certain situations. like i would b bottom leaderboard and just think my way back to the top. this is a funny train of thought

a tiktok said to answer these 3 questions with the object of the answer, and the. with adjectives that describe the answer, and why u have chosen it.

your favorite color, animal, and biome

the color represents how you want to be perceived, the animal represents what you long for and seek in a partner, and the third is how you view God in your life. this part of the prompt is revealed once you answer the question

my answer was periwinkle, because it is light and airy, soft and feminine

a cat, because they are loyal, independent, and a lifelong companion. i hesitated on this one, saying there is something to be loved in each animal

and for the biome, i said a flat land with grids of crops, a red roof barn in the distance, and the summer sun beginning to kiss the horizon. it makes the world seem so big and majestic, and makes me feel so small and safe, knowing this is what the land has wanted.

and wow, after hearing what each answer reveals, it’s surprisingly very accurate 😭😭

i was disillusioned by my older brother when he married my best friend. unknown by my family, forsaken from what i’ve know. saved from everything i’ve ever been ashamed of. i’m kind of untouchable

“they say nostalgia gets worse the more ur present experience sours. like as ur future darkens, what was once a small glimmer of nostalgia becomes a blinding light. i can’t keep looking backwards or i will miss the opportunity of moving on. of growing, of knowing its not here and that’s okay”

like i wrote this but how much of my pain here is truly recursive? am i reliving the tragedies, or am i just remembering their there because of the scars ive just seen. like i don’t think i go scene for scene with any memory because to what benefit is that. but i superimpose it onto my now, and ask, are these the same? i use memory as a litmus test but sometimes as validation. like yes ofc i have such a horrible time with authority, with men, with women, with the Word, with the world, because of what i faced at home, at school, at work, and during covid. i just want to better understand the person i unconsciously became. so unaware of my change and now i spend my time mapping out who ive been. and i think that’s beautiful

how long will i be doomed to shed tears for tota and amba? how many years will i be subjected to painfully warming memories of kimeme? why is the grief i repeat feel as new as the first time it happened? does not everyone carry it like i do?

selfelegy

one day i saw a praying mantis on my way into work, chilling on the concrete and i thought “should i move him to the grass?” but work took priority and i walked in

several hours later, i exited the plan and found the same mantis, skin charred from the summer sun, unmoving. his hands still folded up, as if the whole time he lay burning, he was pleading to God for help

i rushed him to the grass and poured water on him, hoping to revive what i lost.

he died, and i haven’t killed a bug since.

and if i find them far from their preferred ground, or struggling to find refuge, i will take them there. it is the least i could do.

i sobbed the whole way home that day

selfelegy

i walked by the stairs where this happened today, and remembered him. before i could reign in my emotions, i found myself runnin to the bathroom to sob in my memory. how awful this world is to the innocent and living. how selfish i have been for just now noticing

while reading my last post,

i could feel bitterness and a childlike-fear threatens to break behind my eyes as i recall feeling small. but i swallow it to make room for my shame. it’s like i could feel i was guilty. someone convinced me i was, i think it was me. and a chorus of echos from my family and friends, as they spew judgement found in divine morality. so absolute and unforgiving, they made me feed on something that was merely a shadow. a smokey veil to hide what they project onto me. do i judge? if i say yes, does that make me deserving of the isolation? not that anyone isolated me, im just on a rock. its not accusing, its pragmatic.

i just catch people’s attention i suppose. for better or for worse, i was have always been seen. and they poked me and they prodded me, finger pointed to my chest in accusation as they asked, “what are you worth?”

i shake with guilt as i look up at them, and in silence i unfurl my two empty stained hands. it’s raining, im cold. and they scoff as if they knew it all along.

and then it’s like i wake up. a bad dream, a night sweat. i look down at the body i’ve grown to so desperately love. i’ve gotten so much taller. for a second i forgot that ive stopped being afraid. like how freeing is that? i get to remind that girl how much we’ve conquered because of her bravery.

what was i guilty of but wanting to feel loved and feel known

a message i almost sent to matt mcp (i got his birthday wrong and then immediately right like if i just thought and didnt blindly trust these loosey goosey safeguards like i shouldve just READ it i was driving there’s nothing i can identify that would have changed this outcome. i woke up, oh i didnt sleep, i was driving. i was reading while driving cuz it was a thought i had while driving. i could’ve waited, and then its lost to the ether. or i could’ve just read quickly, carefully not to have my eyes off the road, so of course im not reading all that much, i focus on what’s important. but this time, its what i lost to peripheral that is what i needed but i didn’t have time. i didn’t want to take that risk, and its lost to the ether. and then matt makes a funny face at me that makes me want to rip out my eyeballs and hand them over to him as penance. like my bad man i actually kinda suck as a person right now haha. and its like, but that wasnt on purpose. i documented poorly, i could’ve done that better to avoid this. but that’s too meta. i rmbr both their birthdays. one to the notebook and one to my head. i felt sooo dumb. but it was a mistake. i rmbr’d both their birthdays hello. go me. i need to give and take. in hindsight, be intentional and remember what they sound like. listen, i feel like i try to figure out their star sign. i need to rmbr fr cuz i rmbr a lot) the message i almost sent to matt: i was literally just thinking about whether fthe customer pays for the airwash step, which led to a natural conclusion that no they’re actually payin for wash, which does kinda change the product in a way they meets customer demand, like i mean the particulate is just up to wash once u add water and detergent. and i LITERALLY had the organic thought that no matter the incoming load, we would most likely see the same quality of plunger coming out of the washer. ykwim, squeaky clean. like? isn’t that what u have been saying?? should i kms??

and anakins story is so heartbreaking when u see luke 😭😭😭😭 all anakin wanted was to start a family with padame after his was taken from him when he was so young 😭😭😭 and now luke, it’s just inherited pain. it’s so sad when u see someone innocent bleed in the pursuit of what they’re owed. like they deserved love, ugh how devastating that anakin lost everything

“the minute that september hits, im going off my medicine”

my familial wounds run so deep within me, i wonder if they can ever be uprooted. do the others feel this way? such unique pain defining the connection between each member of my family. how much pain have i caused them? they’re not even aware of their own pain, how would they ever begin to find its causation? i’m alone. in my feeling in my thinking in my being. even amongst the ones who share the most with me, it’s still not enough. i am still unknown. Lord, thank u for knowing me. help me find contentment in my Husband, my Maker

selfelegy

i’m reading a manwha and the FL is so different yet similair to me. and she’s caught the eye of a handsome and wealthy man with her curt and focused behavior. i wish i was like her, a regular sized personality can fit with many. but my personality is big, and requires something big too. i wish i was like her, the way she interacts with the world is so calm, dim, and controlled. the way i interact with the world is loud, chaotic, blinding and unpredictable. she is like a soft spring breeze, pushing petals through a meadow. and i am a typhoon, destroying what’s delicate in my path

selfelegy

OMGGG i’ve been readin this (called the dawn to come btw) and there was a time skip and she’s 31 now and the ML just described her as a typhoon 😭😭 and i laughed and was like funny coincidence but im thinking like, this girl post time skip acts JUST like me. determined and quick witted and eager for what she wants. like that’s me 😭 that’s so funny i was comparing myself to a teenager but im a grown woman

i gave another presentation at the pharmbio technical meeting that went really well, where people stop and say their thanks and like. i can’t describe it, it’s unlike anything i’ve done. i used to LABORR over my presentations, memorizing the content and what to say, and that’s how i used to ace my prezis in high school and college. but now at work, i flubbed my first one really bad, cause i didn’t study. so i studied my prezis and beka got right back on track. but this prezi, and the ceo kaizen prezi, i didn’t really do allat. i just wrote my slides in such a way that moved with my internal narration. these times, i first considered the content im trying to communicate, my audience, and what wouldn’t make sense to them, and what should, and what the focus is. the slides come together after much editing, but the editing is usually about content clarity, like will they rlly get what im trying to say here? how can i make sure i dont lose them? yk? and i swear, the first tool cleaning kaizen, i think something unlocked there. and it actually, like it must be God right?? didn’t i ask Him this, isn’t this grace?? because something in me said, why get nervous? aren’t you all in the same boat? on the same level? running towards the same goal? no one is better or worse than me, i’m just talking to my team. and then i realized it’s just like a normal conversation but with a lot of people. and that eased my nerves, and made the narration flow wayyy more naturally. praise God

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Herbert