Sleep. Weep. Repeat.

Thirties. California. Whatever. They/them.

[sendingicebergs]

35,34,33,32,31,30,29,28,27,26,25,24,23.

[sendingicebergs]

We'll call it pre birthday blues and drink for faster sleep.

[sendingicebergs]

Of All Things I Will Soon Grow Tired.

[sendingicebergs]

4.15.26

Everything is sterile now

sanitized and numb

safe and clean

you love like

the shoreline and the sun

the moon pulls on the ocean

whatever, whatever.

Store bought mass produced messaging

slightly reworded

so unique and difficult

in the crowd of eight billion.

I love like a starving vulture

seeing a fresh corpse

the dead

keeping alive the living.

I am made of spite

better than

because of

whatever, whatever.

a lie doesn't matter

if you never say it outloud.

I can feel my feet ache

before I put on my work shoes

you dress for the job you want

but mostly you dress for the humiliation

of never knowing what you want.

writing is the only bridge

between the dead and dying

I was trying to tell myself

I still want to talk

and you were telling me about

your stuffy nose

I'm going to deep throat

everything of you I can

seperate the skin from bone

and expose you

before the soil and worms get to

because what's buried

is what stays safe

and I can't love

what's alive

I'll be first

to lose

and confuse loss

for value

I loved you

like the humiliation

of not being whole

and pretending something broken still works

because no one would test or want it

and you can keep up a lie proudly

when it's never proven wrong

I love like a starving vulture

meaning I don't

hunger isn't passion

survival isn't commitment

the dead

don't do anything

the living

do all the work

and I am fucking poor.

[sendingicebergs]

One Day I won't kill myself.

April Fools.

[sendingicebergs]

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[sendingicebergs]

Just be quiet; and die.

[sendingicebergs]

34 to 23, a day late.

[sendingicebergs]

Oh.

[sendingicebergs]

Thinking about believing in God because the fucking moron who sat on his ass and made sure "nothing will fundamentally change" while arming a genocide that couldn't have happened without support gets ass cancer is almost universally just, but one senile limp brain shell of a man isn't equivalent to millions of lives full of hope.

[sendingicebergs]

My notes app endures a beating instead of this space; every so often I check in and wonder how many of you are still alive and how many of you were swallowed by time and hopefully change. It's all under the sun, it's all been seen before. Headstones sticking out of the earth like crooked teeth in a graveyard of names and dates, those keeping their chin above the pitless tide of water and evolution.

My own aged and bald head pointing chin towards sun, mouthful of names and dates. Keeping you alive, keeping you alive.

[sendingicebergs]

One Day I won't kill myself.

April Fools.

[sendingicebergs]

And what do we do when someone is brought back to life from their suicide, attempts multiple more times until they become permanently disabled and can no longer no mouth and must scream themself into oblivion and then gets terminal cancer with under a year to live?

That's right, we drink and further define the word father and wonder to yourself what kind of father you'd be and wonder what kind of person it makes you as someone who called the hospital every night for updates and found yourself unable in time to really have anything to say to him as you've been unable to speak to him for about two years in fear of rage and causing another attempt.

Cheers.

[sendingicebergs]

Better stone than skull, better myself than anyone else.

[sendingicebergs]

7.31.24

Bleed bastard bleed.

I don't even wait to see the blood.

I wrap the gauze around the force of my disgust

Writing with a pen that's out of ink

bandages before blood

consequence and causality

what's yet to be

will always exist anyway

what comes from inside

will always be without a home once let go

I spill my blood before bed

wake in the morning

clean fabric died red

born in the wrong body

cosmic joke

held to my anatomy anyway

a destroyer wanting to turn creator

failure after failure

dismantle the self.

[sendingicebergs]

7.31.24

Steak knife vs arm.

A walking corpse

moving towards nothing

lovers turned loveless

relentless asking

what do I want

I wanted to have had the courage

to not age past twelve years old.

I watch one side of my blood

survive cancer

like most of them did the first time

before the second time took them

I watch the other side

succumb to oblivion

opiates, alcohol, depression, suicide

I stand as the perfect bloodline bastard

to kill myself with the most cancer undiagnosed inside of me.

I'm going to sleep

instead of killing myself

but I'm thirty-three not twelve

so I go to the drug store

and buy some gauze

before I bleed myself tame

I know the genocide

and the finely woven silk

made to heal wounds

I know the guilt of giving up

when there's those who would give everything to stop bleeding

[sendingicebergs]

It was my birthday two days ago.