you can call me sephy ও 23 with a blissful joy for writing ও i speak spanish and english.
strongly hyperfixated on Marvel (Bucky Barnes/Winter Soldier). i love writing anything to do with domestic/slice of life, romance and fluff, hurt/comfort, and very ocationally, nsfw/smut. you can also find me in ao3 as Sephy_ann.
please feel free to chat! i'd love to meet you and be friends <3 also, i am open to take writing requests as long as i have enough time and feel comfortable with. if you'd ever want to support me, you can visit my Ko-fi !
thank you for stopping by my page. ও
⋆˚࿔ 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝜗𝜚˚⋆
BUCKY BARNES / THE WINTER SOLDIER
⋆𐙚 ̊. to be loved
i don't expect anyone to read this, but this blog that started as a way for me to share my writing (or more like an archive itself), now became a something entirely dedicated to the yumeship of my self-insert Kiara and my biggest comfort character, Bucky Barnes. I never expected this to be honest, but now seeing the blog very full of content of them, makes me appreciate this like never before. To anyone who of ends up finding this blog and likes my characters and the story i've been building for them and their little family (which is truly a very healthy coping mechanism for me to escape a little from my own personal and family issues), thank you <3
kiara's first mother's day activity at his daughter's preschool. unlike any other situation, kiara finds herself really anxious about this, as she does not know how to behave with the other moms (that truly are welcoming). she feels very out of place, like wearing a mask or a cistume to appear like just "any other mom", even though she still feels like she's never gonna be like them.
Comic based of my Bucky Barnes Fanfic "To Be Loved."
summary: Olivia is having a hard time regulating her emotions, and so is her mom. Kiara struggles with parenting and her own insecurities, causing her and Bucky to argue.
warnings: hurt/comfort, struggle with parenting, struggle with motherhood, red room trauma--a little ptsd maybe(?), adult with unregulated emotions, arguing but they make up dw this is a healthy relationship.
words: 4.3k
author's note: i am finally back !! i am so sorry for the long MIA, things have been going on in my life, some of them so bad that i ended up copping with this beautiful family of mine again (just to forget about my irl one). sorry for the tmi, but i literally spent months trying to finish this chapter. whenever i couldn't write anything i just resumed back to just drawing them, so if you wanna see some of it you can check out my entire blog here !! Anyway, i hope you guys enjoy this chapter as much as i did.
Previous Chapter
“I don’t wanna do it, mama!” Olivia whined while shaking her legs with a fuzz, which were hanging out of the stool she was sitting on.
She sat at the island counter centered in the wide kitchen, while her mother quietly giggled to herself and stir-fried the vegetables in the pan over the stove. Olivia placed her hands over her head and sighed with frustration, harshly closing her eyes and noisily complaining, trying to draw some attention from her mother. // She’s been trying so hard to complete her math homework, but the tiredness has already gotten to her.
“That might work with your daddy, but mommy does not fall for that, and you know it, young lady.” Kiara sighed, now seasoning the meat in a bowl she left prepared before going to work that morning.
Without hesitation, the little girl slightly threw her pencil against the thin workbook and closed her arms. Kiara felt the small gesture as she heard the pencil falling on the floor, causing her to turn around to face her daughter, with a hand over her hip and a raised eyebrow. She watched as Olivia’s eyes filled with tears and her face flushed red out of frustration.
From the moment she picked her up from school that afternoon, she felt something was off. She was irritated, her thin eyebrows were heavily frowned and when she asked her what was wrong, no answer was given. Now, normally it was Bucky who picked her up from school every day, and whenever he had to stay late in the office, then Kiara took on the pickup duty.
It was not rare for her to pick her up, but it wasn’t part of Olivia’s routine. So the thought that maybe her daughter felt uncomfortable with the change to her routine came to her mind. It is always daddy who picks her up, so why is mommy coming in today? Kiara couldn’t stop her brain from making all these stupid assumptions, because she knew it was stupid, her daughter loved her, and she always became happy whenever mommy spent her free time with her. So why would today, out of all the days before, be the day the little girl is upset about not having her dad pick her up?
The woman made sure to take deep breaths; she wasn’t even sure how to react, and every time she thought she had all the parenting thing figured out, situations like this made her scratch that idea and throw it in the trash. The uncertainty of not having the right words or trying to approach her daughter with the wrong tone made her stomach hurt and caused her hands to sweat.
Bucky is way better at this, she thought to herself without breaking eye contact with the five-year-old. Yet unfortunately, the man was still at the office, and she needed a way to end this behaviour one way or another.
“You have to finish, Olivia.” She tried to sound as calm and soft as she could, but her arms crossed over her chest, and the tiredness in her eyes gave away something else. “You were doing it two seconds ago. What is the problem, honey?”
“I don’t wanna do more!” The lousy crying came right before she yelled those words, and Kiara could only close her eyes for a moment and just breathe.
“We do not yell, Olivia, stop.” She gritted her teeth and sighed. “You would've finished your homework already if you weren't behaving like this. Just–” that was just a push button for her daughter to cry even harder.
Kiara breathed in again, and she pressed her lips together while turning around to face the stove, turning off the fire because the vegetables were about to burn down. She cussed to herself when trying to remove the pan and almost burned her hand, getting a bit concerned as to why it hurt so badly when she barely touched the pan. It was nothing, just a mild burn, but she already felt her eyes sting with tears that didn’t dare to betray her.
Olivia cried louder; she even threw her workbook on the floor and went back to crossing her arms, whimpering every time she got out of breath because of the endless crying. Kiara hung in there, hands over the counter and head down, slowly drifting her mind away into nothing, muting the cries of her daughter and regulating her own breathing.
She was trying her best, she tried to be better, to be softer, more loving, less tough—never violent. Trying so hard not to be like them. But no matter how hard she tried to be this idea of the “perfect mother” she had imagined and idealized in her head for years, even before having her baby, it was moments like these that actually grounded her and brought her back to reality.
It truly let her know how deeply affected she still was from the way she grew up.
She always had what they used to call a bad temper, always being affected by the smallest of things, anything or anyone could set her off. At first, it wasn’t flagged as a problem for her instructors; the fact that she was reactive was good to a certain extent, it made her fierce, reckless. But she had to learn to swallow her pride sometimes and understand that keeping it together would guarantee that she came out alive from her assignments.
But it took her a lot of severe punishments to be able to fully understand that.
Therapy helped; it certainly did. She wasn’t even as close to being the woman she was a few years back. Surprisingly enough, it was Bucky who, at the early stages of their romantic relationship, gave her the idea of going to see a shrink. It worked for him sometimes, so why wouldn’t it help her, too? He warned her, though it was a slow process, that she was going to be in denial for a while, maybe she won’t even want to talk in the first few sessions, but he tried to keep her hopes up enough to see some progress.
Yet this exact same moment made her believe all those therapy sessions were worth nothing. And it scared her.
“...Kiara.”
She blinked twice and finally exhaled, not even noticing she was holding her breath. As she began to come back to all her senses, there was no more crying, and she frowned, turning around in the arms of her husband, to whom she never even realized was touching her, let alone near her.
Her eyes wandered over his face with a glimpse of anxiety. Bucky looked concerned, his eyebrows slightly frowned yet his eyes gentle, understanding, somehow. She looked over his shoulder and noticed her daughter was no longer there, and she wondered how much time she spent drifting away in her own mind.
She felt the warmth of his fleshed hand caressing her face, letting her notice the couple of tears running down her cheeks when he wiped them up with her thumb. When did she start crying? Kiara felt lost, lightheaded even.
“Are you okay?” That was the first thing he asked. Not what happened, not what did you do, but if I was okay—Am I truly deserving of this? All those thoughts flared up in her mind, but she wasn’t able to verbalize anything; it was like her throat was closed and stitched up. It hurt.
All she could do was shake her head no and avoid his glare. The sound of Olivia’s favorite kids' show came from the living room, and her ears perked when she heard coughing. Bucky could feel her body getting tense again, and he gently grabbed her by the chin, placing a kiss on her forehead.
“She's all good now. Don't worry.” He whispered, holding her in his arms ever so softly. “I got it covered already, the homework.” Kiara frowned almost immediately, contrary to one second ago, her eyes locked with his. Bucky sighed. “I will do it with her later, after she takes a nap; she's tired and frustrated, she can't work like that.”
“Oh my god…”
Kiara huffed with a smile filled with irony. She took a step back, leaving him with his arms hanging and a concerned look. Kiara clenched her fists and closed her eyes again. The sting in her eyes was there again; those goddamn tears were just pissing her off even more at this point.
“Honey‐.” Bucky tried, but the way she lifted a finger towards him gave him the sign to not even consider it. He took a deep breath and stood there in silence, hands together on his back.
“This is what I mean. Why do you always have to spoil her like this?” She tried to keep it between them, to keep it together even though she felt she was asphyxiating. “She would've easily finished her homework if she hadn't started throwing a tantrum.” Her hands went to her head as she closed her eyes and breathed in a small cry. “She could've finished…”
“How?” Bucky asked with complete calm. Kiara frowned, a bit taken aback, yet she couldn't answer. The man passed his hands through his face and sighed. “I came home from the office, and I found Livie with her face completely red from crying on that chair for I-don't-know how long.” Kiara’s face said everything: her lips quivering, avoidant eyes, and shaky breath. “How did you expect her to do anything when she can't even regulate herself?”
Silence.
Bucky sighed again before trying to approach her, yet the woman took another step back, arms crossed over her chest. He took a step back, too, respecting her space.
“She's only five, honey.” He reminded her, with a pleading look showering those blue eyes. “You can't expect her to be like–.”
“Me?” She was quick enough to feed into the intrusive thoughts in her head, not looking at her husband to avoid that sad look of pity in his eyes.
Again, the man took a deep breath.
“Like an adult.”
Kiara didn't want to keep listening; she didn't want to keep thinking about it, about her own actions. She was tired, and she didn't want to deal with it. She felt so small in that moment, like that little girl begging for forgiveness and never given so. It was a small relapse into her own immaturity and deep insecurities, and it was hard to get out of it.
Still, she was lucky to have him as her partner in life, the one who knew her better than anyone else, because even though they both knew that walking away from the situation would not solve things, she knew he was only giving her the space and the time she needed to regulate her emotions and reorganize her thoughts.
───── ⋆✩⋆
The smell of fresh brewed coffee filled the kitchen, alongside the quiet noise of the stirring of food on a sizzling pan over the heated stove. Bucky had his blue eyes fixated on the bacon strips that were cooking next to the eggs. He tried to concentrate on the smell, the change in color and size, yet his mind often drifted somewhere else.
He was trying not to get so in his head about the night before. About how it went for them after that small heated argument they had right there where he was now standing. A sigh withdrew from his lips as he closed his eyes and tried to make his mind go blank, trying to just concentrate on the breakfast he was preparing for his girls.
But the image of Kiara was still stuck in his mind, with those pretty emeralds filled with tears, and the way her body language was quick to reject the comfort he offered her at first, it was something impossible to ignore nor forget.
It was really nothing out of this world. The discussion could’ve been worse, but it happened. Bucky knew the topic on motherhood and parenting was a hard one for his wife, he knew it always hit a nerve for her, and he tried at the best of his capacity to handle it. But it was never easy, not with this matter.
Last night, the routine at the house went as usual. He bathed Olivia and put her to sleep while Kiara made sure to tidy up downstairs and leave things ready for the next morning. Everything was silent, though, not even his baby girl—chatty as she was—said something, sang a song or yapped about which book she wanted him to read for her. But he understood why, she went through some pretty big emotions before and the tiredness got to her.
She fell asleep in his arms soon after he finished changing her to her pajamas. After that, he took a shower, dressed in comfy clothes and decided to read some documents that needed his signing for the next day.
Kiara came around half an hour later, and no word fell out of her mouth while she moved around the room to prepare for bed. Bucky just watched her, he didn’t say anything either, yet. He waited for her to settle down, to take it easy on herself. He knew she wasn’t ready to fully talk about it, so the best thing was to give her the space that she needed.
She took a long bath, and Bucky noticed how she dressed up on her comfiest clothes just for extra solace. Once she finally got in bed, warm body under the soft covers, her eyes gave him a gentle glimpse, a gaze that almost screamed “I’m sorry”. He sighed at that moment, putting down the papers and leaning on to her to leave a kiss on her forehead.
A soft sigh left his mouth as he turned off the stove and began to serve breakfast. The sound of the TV anchor news playing in the background on the living room sounded a bit muffled in the kitchen, but somewhere between the lines Bucky managed to hear that the state just declared it was a Snow Day, meaning classes were cancelled and schools were closed.
He looked at the kitchen island, focusing on the already prepared lunch box of his daughter with a tiring look. He put the plates and everything else aside to start disassembling the bento box packed with a sandwich, a few sweets and snacks. The man was so concentrated in completing the task, he wasn’t even aware of the figure leaned against the entrance frame of the kitchen silently observing his movements.
Kiara just stayed there, hoping he’ll notice her presence, and as he turned around to put the now empty bento on the sink, his eyes found hers.
“Oh. Hey…,” he blinked a few times, eyebrows softly frowned. “Good morning, honey.”
“Good morning…” She fixed the soft robe around her body and crossed her arms over her chest. Silence followed for a few seconds before she sighed and walked towards the counter. “Uhm, is there any coffee?”
Bucky washed the few dishes on the sink with such calmness, while looking around before answering to her. He cussed to himself very slightly, and she just tilted her head at his reaction.
“I knew I was missing something” He chuckled a bit to himself. He knew their routine and he was fixated on letting her have the morning to herself and just relax. “Don't worry about it, I’ll make some now.” He moved towards the kitchen island again and placed her plate nicely for her. “I made breakfast, I was going to take it to bed for you.”
“Thank you...” She sat down on one of the stools as her eyes went through the plate of food placed in front of her. Bacon, fried eggs and a couple of toast with butter and a few strawberries on the side—something simple yet so heart warming due to the intention behind it. A small smile creeped on her lips as she started eating, but she kept her eyes anywhere but on his.
Bucky waited patiently as the coffee finished brewing, hands over his hips as a sigh left his lips. The news anchor kept going now about sports, a topic he didn't pay as much attention to as the morning news or politics. He searched for his wife's favorite mug up in the white cabinets, one with a pattern of a pair of ballerina shoes entirely painted by hand. And then he searched for his, a plain black mug with nothing fancy in it.
He prepared both coffees effortlessly. Hers with two of sugar and a handful of cream; His with nothing, just black coffee as it is. The man took both mugs and placed himself behind Kiara, leaving hers next to her plate while his lips graced her temples, nose nuzzling against the soft red locks on her head. He sighed again seconds before taking a step back so he could sit on the stool next to her.
He watched as she relaxed her shoulders, closing her eyes while taking a bite of the food he made. Bucky took a sip of his coffee and just sat there in silence. Despite the situation from last night, there wasn't even tension in the air between them, but a slight glimpse of shyness, even concern. Bucky could feel her eyes stealing glances at him, he knew she was trying to start a proper conversation, so he tried to help her out.
“Is she awake yet?” He asked softly, clearly referring to their daughter, directing his eyes to his wife. Kiara just shook her head no, now taking her mug in hand.
“Before I went to check on her, I saw the news on my phone” Her tone was low and uncertain, shy somehow. “I noticed when you got out of bed, so I figured you'd be getting your hands busy, and wanted to tell you.”
“Oh. Did I wake you up?” He frowned. They always woke up together, always talked a little in bed while cuddling and nuzzling to each other before deciding the right time to get up. It was unusual for them to get out of bed when the other was still asleep. “I'm sorry, baby, I just‐, you know…” He sighed. “I couldn't stay in bed.”
“Yeah, I know. It’s fine.” She smiled a little before biting her lips, looking down to her plate while vaguely playing with the food on it. “I was already awake before you got up, anyway…”
Silence again.
She noticed Bucky holding his mug with both hands and keeping his head down, his jaw a little clenched and she could clearly hear the deep exhales he let go. Suddenly, there it was again, that feeling of being the cause of discomfort around her, the feeling of her mind wanting to play ugly tricks on her once again.
She knew Bucky was trying his best to be there for her, to understand what she was going through and give her the space she needed, but, was it the time to address it? To be held accountable for the things she said to him and the way she reacted?
Kiara wasn’t scared of the outcome of the conversation, but it was the fact that Bucky was being so understanding that was actually making her feel uneasy. Sometimes she just wanted him to react in some kind of way, to give her a reality check right on the spot.
But Bucky was always so… gentle.
Eight years of marriage and she still hasn't gone over the fact that he’s always been that way when it comes to her. Always soothing, always the right words, always comforting, reassuring. Even when she behaved like an asshole, such as last night, he still had a loving smile and soothing eyes.
And it made her think that maybe, just maybe, she didn’t deserve all that kindness from him.
“Listen…” she breathed out heavily, hands leaving her mug to be turned into fists and placed firmly over her thighs, head still looking down. Bucky raised an eyebrow while he turned his attention towards her. Kiara frowned a little, scared of messing up her words. “I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did yesterday. And…” she gulped, feeling the knot on her throat almost choking her words. “I am terribly sorry for what I said.”
Bucky watched her in complete silence as she tried to talk things through. He felt his heart wrenching when her voice almost broke, yet he kept it together. This was a big step for her, knowing she always tried to bury her feelings and pretend nothing happened, the fact that she’s trying hard to make things up made him feel a sense of warmth that he couldn’t quite put into words.
He was proud.
“S-Say something, please, James.” She spoke again as her eyes began to fill up with tears she was noticeable attempting to prevent from going down her face.
The man chuckled to himself, reaching out to hold her, contemplating the way she didn’t even flinch at the coldness of the metal gracing her warm skin. He caressed her cheek with his thumb, gazing into her eyes with sparkles on his.
“I accept your apology, only if you give me a kiss.” He muttered, smirk upping the corner of his mouth while he leaned on to her, close enough to feel her breath against his.
Kiara blinked a few times, tears wetting her long lashes and making her eyes shine unintentionally. She felt timid. The way Bucky sometimes managed to be this bold with his words, often made her feel like when she first met him.
She laughed within a soft cry, she knew he was trying to make all the tension in her body go away, to just relax and focus, not on the negative of the situation, but them. She straightened her back while taking a breath, her hands relaxing and opening up as she reached for his neck and got closer.
Bucky felt her so warm and sweet, the taste of coffee melting in his mouth as she kissed him ever so shyly. Her plump lips always soft, her hands and fingertips caressing the skin of his neck, playing with the wavy locks she found on the way. He stood up from the stool, placing himself between her legs while finding a grip on her waist, pulling her right towards him.
Kiara was in awe, everything about his actions screamed “he’s not mad at me” to her, which instantly became a huge relief at the moment, causing her to loosen up a little, relaxing her shoulders and just choosing to be more and more close to him. It was not her hands on his neck anymore, but her arms wrapped all around him.
The kiss continued for a few seconds more until they noticed Kiara was already sitting over the kitchen island. Buky smiled mischievously after leaving a few more pecks all over her neck, and he backed up a little bit so she could breathe. The view was adorable, her cheeks were painted crimson enhancing her freckles, the messy—now straightened–red locks were almost on her face, and the top of her pajama set was all messed up.
“Am I forgiven?” Kiara breathed, pressing her lips shut and reaching for his fleshed arm to leave a few caresses, silently insisting him to get closer again.
Bucky couldn’t stop smiling at her. She had him right in the palm of her hand, and he wasn’t complaining.
“Yes, ma’am.” He replied, but the way he exhaled let her know that the conversation was just not done at all.
“What is it?” The question came immediately. She was not scared to talk things through anymore, but more concerned about him still letting things in his mind because of her fault.
Bucky looked at her for a few seconds before answering. He didn’t want to say it, she knew that, and she didn’t like that. Her body tensed up again and he noticed it immediately, so now he couldn’t not speak up.
“You said that I always spoil our daughter” he began, his tone uncertain about telling her now that things were getting better. He saw as her expression changed to one of worry, and he sighed while rubbing his neck. “The way you said it, it stung a little.”
“Oh.”
She was now getting off of the kitchen island, and sitting back on the stool with her hands pressed together between her thighs. Bucky took a deep breath and sat down as well, still close to her.
“Baby, I know where you’re coming from with that. And I really do understand, and I get that it is a hard topic.” he began saying, voice gentle and at ease. “But giving our daughter the time she needs to understand some things, is not me spoiling her, Kiara.”
The woman nodded in silence. Bucky sighed again as he straightened his back and licked his lips.
“I’ll say it again, my love. Olivia is just five, five years old” He whispered as he reached her cheek to make her look at him. “She will make a lot of mistakes, she will throw a thousand tantrums, she will test us all the time. But we are the ones who should know how to react.”
“I know, and I am really sorry…”
“It’s not enough to just know you’re wrong” he smiled tenderly, holding her hands. “We have to work on this, okay?”
She nodded again, but this time she couldn’t stop the tears from caressing her cheeks. A broken sob slid from her mouth when she tried to answer with a low “Okay”, and that was enough for him to bring her into his arms.
Kiara melted on his chest, sobbing silently, whispering countless “I’m sorry”, and “I will do better” that made the man close his eyes and feel his heart being shattered again., because having her this vulnerable and affected by her own actions was something he could perfectly relate to.
Previous Chapter
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"My baby 🩷🍼". fanart of my Bucky Barnes fanfic "To Be Loved".
I've actually been so pilled with them lately since is my healthiest way to cope with stuff, and im actually getting some writing done, so hopefully i'll be posting a new chapter soon.♡
