By the time I realize I’m in an emotional spiral, it is hard for me to stop it. I need something to shake me from that awful place. What I’ve realized is, I need you. It’s not that I can’t pull myself back together, because I usually can over time. But the way I do it is by pulling away. This is my instinctive response when I’m really struggling—to get quiet and withdraw into myself. Eventually it fades, and I come back to you. I reconnect. But as you said, our time together is limited. I know it’s not helpful for me to pull away. But sometimes I just don’t know how to stop it.
I need to find a better way. We need a better way. I will try my best not to withdraw from you. But if you find me spiraling or shutting down, here are some things that might help:
Don’t let me get away with “I’m fine.” You know I’m not. I know I’m not. Ask the question and keep eye contact with me until I start talking. I will try to look away, to move away, to change the subject. Don’t let me. Stare me down until I give you an answer. A real one.
When I get short and snappy with you, call me on it. Pull me aside, away from the little one. Tell me my tone wasn’t acceptable, and ask me to apologize. I will. Hold me accountable in this way, and I will do it less. It will help me stay connected to you.
Spank me. Hard. Many times. Not out of anger at my behavior, but out of a desire to show me that I can trust you to be there. It would give me the relief of feeling your control over me. The relief of not being able to hide from you. The relief of knowing that you’re there, because sometimes I worry (irrationally) that you’re not.
When I am sitting at the other end of the sofa with so much space between us, tell me to come here. Tell me to sit next to you. Tell me to put my head on your lap. Tell me to sit at your feet. Don’t let me avoid the connection when I need it the most.
Pin me. Pin my hands behind my back, or pin me to a wall. Hold me there until I stop struggling and just look at you. Then kiss my forehead (or lips or neck) and set me free. The restriction of movement, like you putting your full weight on me after sex, makes me feel safe. Loved.
Create opportunities for me to serve. Ask me to get you something. Have me ask permission for something. Correct me if I don’t call you Sir. Tell me I’m a good girl. Tell me I belong to you. Make me feel it.
To be clear, many of these suggestions just sound to me like good ways to connect, emotional spiral or not. And these are not the only possibilities, I’m sure. Maybe you will find something that never occurred to me. It’s less about the specific action and more about feeling controlled by you and engaged with you. It’s more about breaking the cycle of anxiety and despair that I’m feeling. These suggestions do that by forcing me to stay connected when my instinct is to hide.
You asked me to trust you. It’s not that I don’t; it’s just hard to break old habits of retreating into myself. Sometimes I need a clear sign from you that things are different now. We are different now. Show me that silence, retreat, and brooding are no longer acceptable behaviors. Remind me that vulnerability is the best option. When I pull away and stop doing the things that make my heart happy, don’t let me. Push more. Demand more. Connect more. It calms me and settles me, just to know you are with me.
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