"Uh oh, I know that look."
“Oh that’s so sweet, I’ve never had a boyfriend willing to commit arson for me before.”
“I don’t want to do things. I want to not do to things.”
“Never half ass two things, whole ass one thing.”
“I’m not afraid of cops. I have no reason to be. I never break any laws, ever. … Because I’m deathly afraid of cops.”
“You look like I could use some company.”
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to endorse 10 beers into my mouth because it has been an incredible stressful evening.”
“It’s really hard to say congrats without sounding sarcastic.”
“Oh, you beautiful spinster you, I will find you love.”
“I don’t care about that prize, but I’m gonna win because I want his happiness to away.”
“And then my herbalist took this weird bee pollen paste, rubbed it around my gums, and now my mouth feels like a spaceship.”
“I wished for his happiness to go away. I might be a wizard.”
“I need you to text me every thirty seconds that everything is going to be okay.”
“I think that comic sans always screams fun, right?”
“No thinking just stupid!”
“If the world was ending tomorrow, I’d want to be with you.”
“Come over here and talk about how great I am.”
“We have one activity planned: not getting killed.”
"Are you mad at me? Because without eyebrows I can’t really tell.”
“I hope you brought a change of clothes because your eyes are about to piss tears.”
“I think at some point you and I should probably make out with each other.”
“I doth proclaim to be a stupid fart face.”
"No, I don’t know how I’m going to die. Wait, are you asking or telling me?"
“You don’t have to buy me things. I just like being around you.”
"Skywriting isn’t always positive."
“Look, who hasn’t had gay thoughts? Who?”
“I’m not drunk. The floor and the wall just switched. Walk very carefully.”
“The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am.”
“My goal is to run to the moon.”
“No one is more upset about this than I am. Not like it’s a competition or anything. ‘Cause if it was, I would win, but that’s neither here nor there. The point is I would win.”
“You know what’s thirsty? You know what’s weird? How thirsty I get when I’m weird. When I’m drunk.”
"Let me ask you something. I’m hot."
“Is there anything you desire at all? Besides me?”
“Man, I should have yelled at you way more.”
“I could set myself on fire and create a diversion.”