sevenmilligrams

[sevenmilligrams]

Just leaving my digital footprint here as a haunting reminder that I'll be a lawyer no matter what it takes

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1:44 A.M. They say comparison is the thief of joy, but every 20-something would come to ponder upon what they have made out of their life thus far. It's the second of October—two years since that fateful exam but maybe topping it hasn't entirely rid me of worry. I feel so young yet so out of time. After the excruciatingly long application process, I'll finally begin teaching at a local public school and I recognize how this thing isn't about me anymore but something much bigger like the pride and fulfillment my mama and papa will carry in their hearts, the students' lives I might forever change, and the mission that will shape my remaining years. I hope to enjoy the ride.

[sevenmilligrams]

It feels so weird that everything about a person can change, but at the same time we can still manage to remain the same. Feels like we are living in a paradox. Anyway, I'm proud of you and hope that you accomplish all your dreams in life. Ciao.

P. S. Just a random thought to message you; no need to reply.

I don't have it in me to let this message wither away—my mind tells me who this might be. I find it paradoxical that some aspects of ourselves blur with time yet certain memories defy oblivion. Please know I'm glad you're accomplishing things that could only be dreamt about then. I hope for the best for you and your family. Always.

[sevenmilligrams]

Kamusta ka na?

Quite different and the same in a lot of ways. I hope everything's well with you, whoever you may be :)))

[sevenmilligrams]

i think i'm wise enough to know that exciting times fade

and we'd soon break away from the promises we made

but what do i make of the night we went around town

trying to catch the last bus ride

because we clocked out a little late from some place?

i remember the way your lips felt like home

or how your face glistened as we moved through yellow lights,

you're inevitably carved onto my mind

and i'd like to believe with everything left in me

that the end of this isn't in sight

[sevenmilligrams]

in chains

i guess i have come to learn  the path of life twists and turns, the house i grew up in would cease to be a home and the earth would chip away at my skin until i am no more;  i look at the ones i hold dearest and feel they won't be here for long, i slowly morph into a shell of my old self and brace for more losses to mourn, have i squandered myself away? why is it the darkest before dawn?

[sevenmilligrams]

Gone too soon, Layne and Kurt.

[sevenmilligrams]

It’s two hours past another cold January midnight. The only illumination in my room is the light coming from my laptop that is mindlessly propped on my electric piano. Old songs play in the background as my dying cat and his brother snuggle cozily on my bed. I’ve finally managed to pick up a philosophical work for the first time in a long time and it’s starting to feel like running into an old lover. I wonder what they call it when a moment is chaotic and orderly at once.

[sevenmilligrams]

The last few months brought so much pain.

I've lost all the neighborhood dogs I've fed and loved as my own to a parvovirus outbreak. They were in such a vulnerable place to danger and diseases with their irresponsible owners letting them roam the streets. There was always one less dog waiting at our gate whenever it was time for me to feed them and it was my cue that something terrible happened. Surprisingly, some of the missing dogs came back days later but their health had already significantly declined by then. The others never returned. It was never easy for me because either I had to watch them shiver and lie in the grasses until their death or I never had the chance to say goodbye. I feel so sorry.

I've also taken care of three baby sparrows that badly fell from their nest and lost them all the same. Two of them seemed to have a fighting chance so I am having an extremely hard time brushing off the feeling that their blood is in my hands. The third, however, was a poor soul that visibly suffered for days since losing its leg from a hard fall.

I’ve also let go of someone I shared nearly three years of my life with. The month that followed was a harrowing experience. I cried myself to sleep every night and stood on the verge of tears every waking moment as I tried to stay faithful to my personal responsibilities at home and school. I’ve also lost my grandma just a few days ago. She was recovering in the hospital from a recent leg amputation surgery but the whole thing was just too much for her. Her body had gone into shock on the morning of what would have been her 90th birthday. We will lay her to rest on Tuesday. I've also dealt with some disturbing thoughts in my head made even louder by life being at a standstill in this pandemic. But maybe this is life, transient. Nothing has been more true than the fact that nothing is granted and that I could lose everything at once.

[sevenmilligrams]

I made a playlist of old songs that made my heart full tonight

[bratze-blog]

[kitty]

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I heard this playing in the background of a Money Heist episode and I had to pause it to look for the song online. That doesn’t happen often.

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That scene in Money Heist where Palermo played a vinyl record of this song to the Professor as he looked back at his younger years dancing his heart out in disco clubs made me nostalgic for a life I haven’t lived. The disco lights, the spontaneity with the person next to you, the energy in the room. I guess my soul is made for an era long gone. People who bare themselves and try to live their best lives have become a rarity, as others engage in self-denial. 

[sevenmilligrams]

It’s been a while since I last came here. Looking back at my writings and how things were at the time, I realize how much life has changed. Months ago would have me graduating and moving out of my dearest Elbi for good. A year ago would have me struggling with my undergraduate thesis. Years further would have me embracing, and losing, all kinds of people. As the rain pours tonight, I let nostalgia wash over me.

As my parents sleep peacefully in the other room, I pull an all-nighter for my exams. I am a student once again, this time to become a licensed professional teacher. I have enough life experiences in my belt that I am thrilled to share with my future students. Life is really going well for me now, and I am forever grateful to my old self for pushing through when it was hard.

[sevenmilligrams]

Refining ourselves is difficult when we are blinded by our individual smokescreen. I must begin to understand my psyche or I will continue to bleed on people who did not cut me. Be strong in this trying time.

[cosmofilius-deactivated20220204]

for the longest time, it feels like i have been trying to make sense of life but now i see there is no sense to be made, only life to be lived. there is no set purpose to fulfill, there are no checklists to complete, just an ephemeral moment to breathe, to love, to be kind, to feel. life is in all the simple, little things that we so often overlook. uncomplicate your heart. be here, be present, embrace your own journey. there is so much beauty and wonder to be found right where you are.

[sevenmilligrams]

a note to self