FEAR IS A LIAR @sevillasusie14 - Tumblr Blog

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cameronbeyrent

SOMETHING

Say something honest. Say something that matters and say something that people will remember. Say that thing that everyone’s feeling but is too afraid to talk about. Talk candidly about how you feel like an outsider, and a loser. Let everyone know that you don’t feel good enough, too. Let them know that you feel the same things.

Because you’re fucking sick of all the bars and the boys and the same old fucking people. You’re tired of having to feel like you’re cool enough and you’re over pretending to be you. Because you’re not you when you’re out there. You’re drunk and you’re pretending to be something you’re not. You’re playing the game and you just want to fit in. Because we’re all so cruel. We’re judgmental and we’re unforgiving. We’re fucking ass holes. We all talk shit like it’s our job and high school doesn’t stop. We all want to be top dog. The prettiest, with the best tits and biggest dick. We want everyone to know that we’re the best in the sack, and that should be enough but it’s not. We just want to be loved. We just want to feel like it’s not just us out here. We want to hear someone say it. We just want to know that we’re not alone, and we are. We’d never admit that thought. At least not to each other. But we know. It follows us everywhere. It sits on our shoulders and reminds us all day long. And if we could just find that one fucking person. That one fucking thing that’s like us. And if we find it we’ll be lucky. If we actually find that thing we’re all looking for, then we’ll be blessed and hopefully we won’t take it for granted. Hopefully we’ll know that we’ve won and we’ll hold it close and we’ll treat each other how we deserve to be treated and we will know how to love.

Say something raw. Say something that blows the lid off of everything and cuts straight through the bull shit. Something that digs to the core and throws backs the curtains and burns down all the walls. Say something that forces all the demons and the monsters into the spotlight. Make them fucking dance. Say something that makes them know that you’re not scared of them and that you’re stronger than they are. Say something that throws everything off its axis and say something that makes people think. Say something that matters.

Slog through the shit with pride. Put your fake eyelashes on and wear something with a neckline that plunges too deeply and a skirt that barely clears your beaver. Wear your jeans so tight that they can see the outline of your dick. Make yourself known. Make them see you. Be broken in public and clammer for attention. Post stupid shit on your Instagram that doesn’t matter and tell everyone where you are on Facebook. Do what you want. Fuck everyone. Fuck what they say and fuck what they heard. Let them talk. Start rumors about yourself. Take naked pictures with your cell phone and send them to your ex. Throw a drink on that bitch like you’re Paris Hilton in 2007 and check that dude from behind when he’s not looking. Do coke, you stupid bitch. Fuck shit up. Life’s fucking boring. Give them something to talk about.

Say something stupid. Say something pointless and say something that everyone else has said before. Say something trashy and salacious and say something that will make everyone think that you’re ratchet. Say something that lets everyone know that you’re not special. Something that tells them that you’re just like everyone else and that you have nothing going for you. Say something wrong. Say something that can’t be proven right.

Think about how you would off yourself. How you would get the hell out of here and how good it will feel to not have to do this anymore. To no longer have to always be waiting for an appropriate time where you don’t have to be sober so you can start pretending. Pretending to be that thing that they’ll accept. That they’ll invite into the bathroom with them. Dance alone. Dance by yourself and try to be that thing that they wouldn’t like. Be yourself as often as you can. Try and be brave. You’ll be alone but you’ll be you. Let it make you uncomfortable. It’s the only way you’ll ever grow.

Say something that everyone is feeling and thinking. Say something that helps you find the place where you can be who you were meant to be. Say something that helps you be brave enough to leave it all behind. Say something honest, and true. Because if you do your words will carry you through the darkness and guide you down all those winding roads that don’t have any light. Say something real, and you will eventually find your way home.

cameronbeyrent

GIRL

So you’re lonely. You get coffee by yourself. You check your horoscope to try and see if it’s a good day for finding love. If it’s a love day you put on your shiniest lip gloss and hope for the best. When love doesn’t show up you drink your coffee alone and patiently wait for the stars to align again.

You think about why you’re shy, and how it seems to come so easily for other people and why you have to be the one with the racing heart when you’re surrounded by a group of new faces. You wonder how certain people seem to wind up with so many Facebook friends and if they really know all 897 of them personally. Books keep you company which is more than enough most of the time but you’re human and at times you dream of more.

Sometimes you feel ordinary. There isn’t much that sets you apart and you feel like you blend in too well with the sea of souls living normal lives who all have egg timers waiting to go off inside their hearts. You feel like you’ve wasted too much time to do what you thought you wanted to do and at the same time what you thought you wanted wasn’t what you really wanted at all and it wasn’t who you were. You feel like you need to reinvent yourself but you’re not sure how and that Goddamn clock is always ticking.

Sometimes you don’t want to be you anymore. Sometimes you think you’re smart but sometimes you think you’re dumb which is why you sometimes think you’re ordinary. Never feeling like you actually know who you are makes you wish for a reset button. You want to change everything but at the same time you wouldn’t change a thing.

You like your nose but you hate your thighs and your boobs are fine but they could always be bigger. You’re never sure if you’re good enough but you make an effort to remind yourself that you’ve been brainwashed by the soulless airbrushed bodies of the beauty magazines that you can’t get out of your head sometimes. You still buy Cosmo anyway and you’re not sure why.

Sometimes you wonder if you’re insane. You’re not sure if you mind, either.

So you’re lonely. You get coffee by yourself. You stare at the barista that you’ve decided that you’re in love with and you make up his persona in your head and mold him into the version of the boy that you think that you need in order to make you feel whole. You create a story and project the idea of what you want onto to the boy pulling the espresso shots. The indie movie fantasy comes to life in your head and you imagine yourself as a braver person. The imaginary boy makes eye contact with you and you look away as fast you can.

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