shouldn’t have come here. Literally here rn at this place and also here on this visit in the general sense. also im sooooooo thirsty and tired sooooo dehydrated so exhausted I don’t wanna be here I wanna be in bed so bad I wanna be asleepin
im on somuch fucking steroids too and the ppl who aren’t on steroids get to act fuckinf insane but I can’t even make a stressed out facial expression in silence or I will be punished severely lmfao
lol my family is way more stressful than the hospital. as i predicted
literally nobody exercises compassion or grace for me and my current state/situation (or for anyone else n each other ever for that matter). ive been out of hospital for less than 10 hours and not one person has tried to make things easier for me in even the smallest way or thought about anyone but themselves as usual like they’re all so completely wrapped up in their own feelings self absorbed as fuck I don’t think they’ve even thought about how I must feel when they’re dumping their tasks on me, yelling at me, yelling at each other, criticizing me, expecting me to do labor for them, expecting me to be a Perfect Zen Robot, etc…
it all went back to status quo business as usual which is being horrible emotionally 3 year old people
and it’s never their fault. the way they react to anything or treat anyone is never their fault
im sorry but I hate that? I can’t get anyone to be like “man I’m sorry, you just got home, you’re very sick, I think we should all do something relaxing together and work together to have a peaceful transition for you, what do u wanna do , what could I do to help your healing? do you wanna take it easy? do you wanna be alone? Do u want quiet?”
If I looked disabled on the outside, if I looked sick on the outside, Is that what it would take to treat me decently? do I have to actually be near death? i came home and they pretended like I hadn’t gone anywhere and nothing happened to me. what would it take for them to actually be even 1% considerate or 1% mindful
The seller of the house doesn’t like our offer and wants to think about it another night. we are still the only offer so I pray nobody else offers between now and then. I hope she just counters, I was expecting her to, so this extra waiting is making me so nervous . but it’d be amazing if she ended up just accepting ??
maybe we should have written a love letter to this one it’s the only one we didn’t do that with but we didn’t get any of the other ones we wrote to , but those ones had multiple offers already too though so
and my sister keeps being like “do u even want this house that bad?” trying to sow doubt in our minds about if we’re doing the right thing just because she isn’t obsessed with the house , like she wants me to regret buying it. Like girl this is PRIME real estate. one of the best neighborhoods, 15 min walk to the beach, 5 min walk to the train station, 2b 1.5ba, newly remodeled, central air, top floor, chefs kitchen, parking space included …
I almost wish we had just offered asking and I feel stupid now that we didn’t because like….. if it had been priced lower it would have had a bidding war and the winning offer would’ve been 50k over asking and cash
I feel like our agent either isnt very good or she’s isn’t assertive enough against us for our benefit. like she should have impressed upon us to go closer to asking or full asking and insisted we not risk a situation like this, because seller would have said yes immediately and we still would have gotten it for less than anywhere else with those specs at that spot and an agent who priced it competitively
but I thought since she’s the one who knows what the market is like, she knows it’s been really against buyers so if she was ok with our offer it must’ve meant it was reasonable in this market, but now I’m thinking I don’t know if it is . like why risk passing anything up like this right now. Maybe she thinks the house isn’t all that great? and that we could do better? but then why not tell us that…
omg i am so extra cozy tonight with the curtain around my bed and the door closed so the room is dark n quiet and the intravenous valium in my system relaxing my previously aching body and the pillow betwixt my legs for comfort and my new roommate snoring super softly in her deep sleep …. It almost makes me want to stay another night
one of the night phlebotomists here is such a real one i love her. we talked a lot abt addiction cuz of my veins having sm scar tissue from heroin and she is 3 years clean herself and she was like so encouraging and saying how proud she was of me and how good i look and I’m gonna do great, it was very touching. she gave me such a heartfelt goodbye in case i get discharged b4 she sees me again it was v sweet
my health is absolutely in the shitter I’m at square one again I have to treat it like Im getting diagnosed with Crohn’s for the first time all over again. Months of high dose steroids, colonoscopy, endoscopy, MRI, pillcam, switching biologics/starting a new biologic, a million fucking doctor appointments and trying to get insurance to pay for things. the whole fucking shebang.
it was so hard the first time around goddamnit 😭 and I don’t have easy access to cheap real benzos this time like I did back then when I was in Iran or when I could just drive to mexico so it’s gonna be that much more fucked
idk. I don’t wanna be in the hospital anymore but my mom left me here and like. I wanna go home but that also means the clock starts on the 5 days worth of Valium they’ll let me go home with instead of giving it in a IV every 8 hours. And the clock starts on my appointments once I get back to Chicago. But I can’t start anything if I’m in the hospital. like as long as I’m here (in hospital but also in California at all) I can’t progress with any part of the plan really. I gotta go back to Chicago n see my Crohn’s doctor
Ugh and the thought of having to message all my doctors in Chicago to update them….. please just look at MyChart except, at this hospital, they’re not writing any notes on there (only labs and imaging impressions not actual images) so it’s like pointless? Lol
idk man . I don’t know. I’m tired but I’m in so much pain from being cooped up in this fucking hospital bed. I wanna say at least I get dilaudid here but it’s not even that great cuz I can’t get high off it
omg finally the home loan stuff is falling into place and should be ready today, and the house we want is in our budget and hasn’t had offers on it yet!!!!!! we could get it!!!!! for asking price instead of a bidding war!!! Or under asking possibly maybe!!!!! by the end of the day or tomorrow or this weekend!!!!
the one plus side to having had a heroin addiction is that even the strongest opioids don’t cause me a hint of nausea. i say this as i (who is on dilaudid) hear my roommate gag n vomit from her most recent dose of dilaudid (despite getting zofran) which happens to her every time she gets her dilaudid
like as much as pain relief is necessary, that can’t possibly be pleasant. opioid nausea sucks so bad and for me personally when i used to get it (if i took too much) it would never stop until the ope was out of my system hours later, no matter how many times i vomited, and it always ruined the high and made me so so miserable n irritable
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