silly girl

i want things to be beautiful

[sexmafia]

going in circles, chasing my tail.

[sexmafia]

no insult ugly enough to describe how I feel

no name familiar enough to talk to

I don't want to spend the rest of my life watching movies, but everyday I somehow come back to the low of the day before.

I'm so tired. It's been so long like this.

[sexmafia]

silly moments I remember. silly thoughts I have. As a child I carried the world on my shoulders, and in my mom's eyes, I was the one to always drop it.

We never really had any sort of relationship, especially with her sending me off to the US pretty early on and her being depressed after dad died.

I had to grow accustomed to being on my own, it didn't bother me my mom wasn't there, it didn't bother me my dad died, it didn't bother me my stepdad never cared, it didn't bother me my guardian never fed me. I was this thing with a hard, aggressive exterior and a shitty soft interior.

I grew up to be this mess of an adult that can't form any secure attachments with people. And now my mom talks to me, and tells me "I'm sorry for the mother I was, here's some money". I don't know if I accept that apology. I never wanted your money. I hated the distance, no, I hate the distance. I just wanted you to be my Mom. I wanted to have a family goddammit. I just want to have a family. Now as an adult I find myself more than ever yearning like a little girl, "I want my Mom".

[sexmafia]

in spite of my freedom and disconnect.

I appreciate everything you did for me.

[sexmafia]

I keeps doing these things to fill the void of your absence.

Yet nothing makes me feel better than your presence, and nothing makes me cry more than my thoughts

[sexmafia]

i don't want to self destruct again but it's getting close

[sexmafia]

is it okay to want to be happy too?

[sexmafia]

the past and future don't exist. Only the present, and if neither of them happened. I guess I wouldn't care. I'd still be here w them and my thoughts.

I just wanted to have a family.

but beggars cant be choosers, and my Mom chose for me.

[sexmafia]

if next year never came, I guess I wouldn't mind

[sexmafia]

i don't really think i make you happy and that scares me. I don't know if anything can make me happy besides you now and that scares me. I don't want to be a bum. Please just don't say I'm a bum. I'm sorry I failed you. I'm sorry I failed me. Please just tell me I'm a bum. I don't want to hear my name right now.

[sexmafia]

I just wish someone told me everything was going to be okay. I'm scared, I'm sad, I don't want to be alone.

[sexmafia]

trust me, nobody wants to see that

[sexmafia]

it's just my fault.

nothing to cry about haha

[sexmafia]

why's it so hard for me to make connections? I just want to feel less alone. But the second I get close to someone is the second I fuck up.

I'm so disgusting

[sexmafia]

it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter it just doesn't matter

[sexmafia]

i can't keep making these excuses

i want to be better

i want to do something

but the second i get up from bed i feel so weak

[sexmafia]

watching my life pass by like I'm watching a movie in a different language