Cross My Heart

3

[shadowsonmywindow]

Feel like I'm too much of a people pleaser I should really stop caring about what others think of me

[shadowsonmywindow]

Today's been nothing but shitty as fuck. Like honestly I can't even be bothered with masking my expletives already. It's fine to wait once in a while. But these fucking 2 months all I do is wait. Everyday and the worse part is waiting with no end in sight. It's fine if there's a timeline or a designated time but hell no. It's like incessant waiting... I'm pretty sure if there's a role reversal your patience would have run thin long ago. The worst part is when your plans are fucking stagnated and I can't do anything. Every time my hopes are raised up only to be fucking crashed. Try having that feeling almost Everyday. Wait for you to come for lunch wait for u this wait for you that. Yes I get it it's not your fault but it's damn frustrating and you wouldn't understand because you hardly ever have to wait for me. And sometimes u wait for me then you end up making noise. Trust me when I said I fucking tried my best to rein my patience level.

[shadowsonmywindow]

35/366

Decided that I should also have a habit of writing down daily things that happen in my life so that I can always look back and laugh at them together with Mal 💕😍😂 but then again he probably he wouldn't bother because he's just like that (Too focused on his work and stuff) BUT it's ok I love him the way he is - bet you're gonna make fun of me cause you will say I copy my "best friend" but I think it's quite meaningful to document daily thoughts and happenings - 😌 On a side note, 8 days more to end of internship!!! *dancing emoji* I really hate audit 🙄 I feel bad for lying about all my sick leave and going back Malaysia and what not but I really have to drag myself out of bed to go to work everyday (especially when it's with alisa 🙊) everyone here has been nothing short of sweet and kind towards me, I know I know I'm so evil, which is why I will not miss another day of work already and I also won't be distracted during work 🤓 Anyways tomorrow marks the start of my very Long CNY break, can't wait!!! Actually it kinda started long time ago, really need to start studying and use this period of break more productively 🤔🤔🤔 Anyway I think my goal for this year besides being more productive is also to walk closer to God, like I feel like going to mass and being a half-Catholic-half-Christian (imo, there's really only a very slight difference between both, I will eventually become a catholic anyways) has really pulled me back closer. And also a lot of people that inspire me to be a better person and Christian. So I'm thankful 💕 will definitely strive to work on myself and not focus so much on others' achievements. Praying very hard for Mal too 🙏🏻 (apt emoji) X

[shadowsonmywindow]

Regrets

i keep telling myself that i should look beyond the past, and just focus at what’s on hand. And i guess writing this will help provide me with the closure i need, and let me just forget about it.

tbh, i really didn't know what made me choose accountancy i never once considered it. it’s good that I'm pretty decent with my current course, but its not making me happy, (But, i’m extremely happy to find the most important person in my life through this course)

Looking back, i know i am capable of achieving more. I should not have played, done stupid shit and basically just waste my entire 6 years of education (which my parents had to pay for cause i didn't qualify for the subsidy by 2 points, ugh). back then i was so immature, so childish and basically if i were to meet someone like myself back then now, i’ll just slap her and tell her to wake up her fucking idea (as you would say it hehe). but then, if i didn't make those errors, i wouldn’t be who i am today.

No doubt, the cost is huge, one medicine degree. Many usually apply for this degree cause of its accompanying prestige or because of the rather mundane and overly common reason of “ i got straight A’s and didn't know where to go” YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK U. I didn’t get straight A’s, (and i don’t blame anyone but myself because i was so distracted and didn't give my best, getting what i had already came as a blessing with 81.25 UAP i guess its pretty decent), so i ended up in well... SMU  BACC. I really hope the 5 years of medicine make you see the point in being  a doctor. To be honest, BACC is the best degree aside from medicine. 

I think no one can truly comprehend the struggles and sadness i feel whenever my juniors/peers/seniors talk about YLLSOM. It really pains me a lot, and i know with every bone in my body, i would have become an outstanding doctor. Maybe not so technical wise, but my heart is filled with nothing but the desire to serve the less priviledged. Perhaps, if i am single, and celibate, i will choose to pursue this (albeit through the more difficult way). 

Two months ago, when the idea first popped in that i COULD, after all, still achieve this dream of mine, i was delighted. Even though it was study week + exams the week after, all i could think day and night was duke. I researched on all the necessary achievements, and even study materials that was required for the entrance exam. To be honest, till today, the fire still burns in me. I am so thankful for having such a wonderful supportive boyfriend, that really helped me so much during then, giving me advice and helping me ask around for advice. thanks and i love you so much, and i’m so sorry i disappointed you again when i decided to give up my dream. But you have to understand that my dream is being with you, starting a family, and no doubt i would love being Doctor Belle, i think being Mummy Tan is must more appealing for me. 

So after this pretty lengthy post, i guess i am not pursuing this dream anymore, it hurts, it really does hurt, (i don't think anyone can understand it haha), but I'm pursuing my dream of building a family with the only man i love, and I'm striving towards that goal.

I guess the biggest lesson i learnt from everything is DO YOUR BEST, honestly i’m quite surprised at myself so far, but i know this is only possible with you, God and my parents’ support. I will continue to strive for the best in this degree, and i told myself, i’ll make my mum and you proud, and get that first class honours. But i won’t go for endless paper chase, if i don’t get it so be it. Thank you and ilysm mgt <3 <3 <3

[shadowsonmywindow]

My biggest fear is losing my family. Losing you. But I constantly pray and wish that if one of us has to bear that pain (in the distant future), I rather it be me. -2015

[shadowsonmywindow]

One week ago, I was in heaven when I was in bkk with you. One week later, the same time, I feel like I'm in living hell

[shadowsonmywindow]

for the past 3-4 months, i’ve been feeling nothing less than fatigue. Fatigue from dragging this out. No doubt, my achievement last semester provided me with the temporary high, but when this semester approached, i was DREADING it. 

I feel bad for disturbing the people around me with my constant new news on MCAT/medical school, but i can’t help it. This is what i want to do, and i want to do it good. Not for the prestige, not for the money, but for the pursuit of my dreams. Is that considered stupidity? i believe i am up to the challenge, and i would say its God’s plans, because everything fell so nicely into place. Somehow, somewhere, sometime, i realised my thirst for medical-related information is insatiable, and it keeps me alive. 

I’m just counting my blessings that people around me are so supportive, and am just thankful to be guided by Him, and close ones :) 

Gonna give it my bestest best!

[shadowsonmywindow]

You don't get to the top without making a few enemies. // honestly I couldn't care less, but it's just sad to see

[shadowsonmywindow]

I'm not good enough a girlfriend Not good enough a person Not good enough as anything. Wish I could do better 😔

[shadowsonmywindow]

Had I known, I would rather remain down.

[misswallflower]

She wanted something else, something different, something more. Passion and romance, perhaps, or maybe quiet conversations in candlelit rooms, or perhaps something as simple as not being second.

Nicholas Sparks (via misswallflower)

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[shadowsonmywindow]