my life for you

[shahmeerzaman]

keeping busy

since i don't have a lot going these days i try to keep myself busy. i do the shopping drive my brother to school sometime help mum with the cooking. in the evenings (not everyday) i go out for a walk listening to the same music everyday of course, the lp sounds of silence by simon and garfunkel.

at night when everybody's preparing their beds you know getting ready to sleep now that's when the house is peaceful i love it. i watch a couple of tv shows primarily catching up with This Is Us and i have to say i love it. never before has a tv show made me so teary so many times. i love it its almost finished though. also the new ahs season started and 2 episodes in i dont know what to feel, im liking the clowns and the horror but i dont see a story so we'll see. i have so much on my mind but that's a story for another day. i feel like its important to mention i've gained a lot of weight its scary so i guess or wish the walking will help.

tonight just feels like the right night to write you know thats why I'll make this one a little longer. my mother lost 12 relatives of the same family to the sea a few weeks earlier i wish their family, what's left of it peace and patience. we might move soon and im kind of hoping we would a fresh start could be good. we got a new car, it's a stick so well lol. i learned how to drive in a manual car but it's been so long im not sure im up to it anymore. my hand's starting to hurt. ive thought a lot about going on a trip across the country alone but that needs planning and money two things i seem to not have. well i will im sure until then au revoir.

blues run the game // simon and garfunkel

[shahmeerzaman]

screwed

im so screwed lol i have no idea what so ever this is serious for the first time in my life i have absolutely nothing to look forward to and its scary. its been a while since ive posted now you se ive had this agonizing pain in my neck for about 3 days and its finally starting to go down so im not going to keep my body in any weird positions for some while now heh anyway im tired goodnight blue // joni mitchell

[shahmeerzaman]

goodbyes

this person who i met 6 years ago, now one of my best friends. he’s leaving tomorrow and we don’t really know when he’s coming back. knowing someone for so long spending everyday talking to them and now that person is going away. not being a 5 min car ride away is scary. i didn’t make many friends in my lifetime and the ones i did are my life and soul. goodbyes suck and ive watched enough movies to prove that.

we’re all at a tough time in our lives, everyone’s scattered. everyone’s preparing for their futures going in all sorts of different directions. i knew this day would come i just never thought it’d be so soon. i mean back in 9th grade when i met these few people i absolutely cannot live without i was so scared we’d get separated next year. we’ve managed to make it this far. it’s weird you know, I’m so thrilled yet also terrified.

he leaves tomorrow we’re going to see him for one final goodbye, where ever you go i hope you’re doing well. farewell my dear friend.

just like honey // the jesus and mary chain

[shahmeerzaman]

nostalgia

it’s been raining for a while and i’ve been sadder than usual. it’s like i just do not want to participate i just want to sit outside and watch the rain pour. i don’t know if this is an experience for most people but i’ve noticed water makes me sad. when i come home from the beach i’m overtaken by this strange sort of melancholic feeling i cannot explain. the same thing happens when it rains.

my theory about all this is rather simple. people try to associate experiences and memories with the things they do in general whether it’s remembering the touch of your childhood blanket stuff like this. so the only thing that explains this phenomenon is a point in my life where life didn’t suck. we dont go to the beach a lot anymore and neither does it rain like it used to. so now when this happens i remember how I’ve lived a happier time doing the same things i’m doing now except something is different from that time, i’m not happy anymore.

every rose has its throrn // poison

[shahmeerzaman]

part of life

there was a death in the family earlier this week. my mother lost her brother, the kids lost their father, a wife lost her husband. its been pretty rough around the house with all the visitors and everything.

my mother is very fragile so i have to be strong and not be emotionally weird in front of her. mourn the dead by remembering the happy times in their lives. not by saying stupid stuff like “you shouldn’t have taken him to that hospital” or “he should’ve been taking care of himself”. stuff that people say to be sympathetic only saddens the family of the deceased. he was very young. he was one hell of a guy. loved his kids, did everything for them despite not having much. I’m sure going to miss him.

the worst kind of death is the unexpected kind. i mean imagine saying goodnight to a perfectly fine person you talk to every minute of every day. and then never seeing them wake up ever again. I’ve tried to bring everything back to normal around the house i try to make my mother laugh i try my best to keep things normal but i can only do so much. people need to mourn. his kids are way too young to understand what they’ve lost and at this point the rest of us have to make sure they live a fulfilling, happy, prosperous life their father would’ve wanted them to have.

like a river runs // bleachers

[shahmeerzaman]

it never ends does it

im not sure if i can take this anymore. i remember being young, knowing nothing but joy, feeling nothing but joy. somewhere along the road that changed. mid summer sadness or should i say mid life sadness young people are dying I'd say 20 is the new mid life crisis age. im done with my cies, a fucked up 5 year terrorising era. i call bullshit i mean now what? do i not get a break from this ever? everyone's applying for universities and everyone seems to be okay with it. but im not. i mean do you have any idea what alevels does to a kid. and now that its over you expect us to start studying for aptitude tests with no fucking breaks in between. i call bullshit. i blame the system. universities should hold tests at the beginning of school years so the kids can not stress to death and actually put effort into juggling school and uni prep simultaneously. im so scared but its okay. at least the kinks keep me company. i applied to a few universities but the only one im looking forward to going is out of city. leaving everything behind. this life, the people, the memories. but moving to a new city all by yourself is no picnic but I'll get by. hopefully. strangers // the kinks

[shahmeerzaman]

gone now

new bleachers album - june 2nd 2017

10:36 am

track list // dream of mickey mantle // good morning // hate that you know me // don’t take the money // everybody lost somebody // all my heroes // let’s get married // i miss those days // nothing is u // i’m ready to move on/mickey mantle reprise // foreign girls

thoughts

i think jack knows who is he is now in terms of music. his endless desire to be free has deteriorated. although if i were to say i wasn’t hoping for something to let go to in this hot summer weather I’d be lying. i fell in love with bleachers the first time i heard rollercoaster on the radio i just had to look up this band or whatever it was. and now here i am on a saturday morning listening to the new album in a cold breezy room tucked under the sheets. it’s perfect.

[shahmeerzaman]

kill me lol

so remember how ive been ranting about how im going to fail my exams well yes those exams are in 7 days lmao. these exams decide my fate lol im so scared but i have to fucking get this over with and study.

all i do in the now is stress, study, get sad, watch pewdiepie play outlast II and complain. i watched the first episode of ‘that 70s show’ today and i haven’t laughed like that in so long lol but i can’t continue watching it cause then I’d be watching it all day. i need to start making money somehow, lots of it because i dont think im getting very far academically.

maybe if i post this stuff on a real blog maybe i dunno for sure but i gotta focus on the tsunami ive gotta get through in 7 days. fuck alevels im completely against it, not only is the student mentally brain drained but its fucking pointless.

tears in heaven // eric clapton

[shahmeerzaman]

life is strange

LIFE IS STRANGE (VG SPOILERS)

so i finally finished life is strange and boy oh boy was i messed up for a couple of days. the game is an experience that you dont just play, you live through it. the detail the dialogue the atmosphere it pulls you into the game im so fucking impressed. been a long time i played a video game i was so involved in.

although i absolutely did not like the end at all, we have two choices, either let chloe die or save arcadia bay. i dont understand why chloe dies. i mean if the game was really set to be as realistic as possible then why not do something in the bathroom that distracts nathan, meet chloe in the hallway, do anything. I UNDERSTAND that the point of the game is that you only get one chance theres no rewinds in real life but what the fuck. we go through so much in the following week and i mean SO MUCH. if we go back to where we first discovered our powers and let chloe die, everything that happened after that dies with chloe. we never get to meet her, we weren’t friends with her, we wouldn’t have known it was chloe nathan shot until after the police tells us who died. joyce wouldn’t have known we were here.

honestly if this was the only end i might as well not have played it all. i played twice, once i let chloe die the oher i saved arcadia bay. and believe it or noe but EVERYONE dies lmao like what the fuck and amidst all the chaos chloe and max drive off. TO WHERE? WHAT ABOUT JOYCE? THE KIDS AT BLACKWELL? WARREN? i dunno the end was bullshit as fuck. i understand if it wasn’t this intense everyone would call it immature and boring perhaps. i get it tho.

and lmao i still dunno why everyone kept calling max smart????? what is that shit she the dumbest protagonist ive ever played jeez the things she says sometimes absolute cringe.

on the other hand i have my finals in about 45 days im so screwed

rollercoaster // bleachers

[shahmeerzaman]

love

i woke up and i saw a text from my friend that said “did you hear lana del rey’s new song” now i was all what song yo then she proceded to send me the link and i realised LANA FUCKING DEL FUCKING REY HAD FUCKING RELEASED A FUCKING SONG. and so I’ve been listening to it all day.

it’s so charismatic so beautiful so energetic. this is the type of song that imprints itself on you, 20 years down the road when you play it again, it’s going to bring you right back to where you are now. a summer anthem for your youth. lana del rey is so fucking unique it drives me crazy. her endless desire to be free is inspiring. every now and them an artist who isn’t that mainstream gives the world a gift, like love.

also ive noticed i need good music to write this stuff, ive been awol for the past couple months and thats maybe because i wasn’t inspired. the minute i heard it i let my friends know, but they’re unfortunately the ones who actually enjoy music that isn’t really music just a bunch of talentless people screaming into microphones hoping the autotunes working fine.

the reason im so happy and relaxed is because its been a while since ive felt this mediocre form of freedom, something like its summer and i dont have anything to worry about. it was a sunday so my dad was at home which means the car was at home, i asked my brother to come with me and we went out for icecream, it was just perfect, the sun had almost set and everything was fading, windows drawn, cool summer air and lana del rey.

im praying i clear my alevels, switching tutors seems like a bad decision at this point in time, I’ve been feeling distant from everyone lol. ive made a couple mistakes this past week. nothing seems reassuring. im at that point in my teen years where life fucking sucks and you just gotta deal with it.

love // lana del rey

[shahmeerzaman]

misery

i have to get something out of my system but cant quite talk about it like i want to. it's something very important and putting it on the internet seems sad and to an extent pathetic.

[shahmeerzaman]

2016 recap

what an incredibly dreadful year although i am thankful for all the good times but thid year took a lot. so many legends passed away the war in syria got worse and what not. george michael passed away earlier today and and my dad was shook since hes been a huge fan ever since wham! david bowie, prince and other noticeable musicians also left us. bowie and prince occupying 40% of my playlist anyway the year has claimed alot of famous personalities. our beloved professor snape and princess leia also gone. my alevels went to shit but im not gonna talk about that over and over again. its 2:06 in the afternoon and im cold, home alone and at peace. i should be working but… i remember it was a day before my birthday i read the news that leonard cohen had died. i couldn't believe what had happened because the songs cohen has left us with are treasure and i am a fan. my mum and brother are in a town two hours away for the last 5 days so the house has been empty af. i like it. what else happened in 2016 i can’t remember anything goodbye. to be with you // mr big

[shahmeerzaman]

busy busy

i’ve been so busy lately i literally get no time to just sit back and relax why is life like this. i need to start going to the gym i’m expanding and i dont like it. its like nothing seems to be going according to plan, i ripped my favourite jeans yesterday, broke my headphones and i still haven’t had the time to wear my leather jacket. on a more serious note its sad how this world works, a dead russian on one end and a muslim country under civil war on the other. guess what gets more coverage. i for one if were to take sides i’d say it’s rather important what happened in turkey today. with all the ceaseless calamity that’s been going on I’m surprised this didn’t spark a global communist rally. albeit the line of attack allowing was vile i don’t see another significantly rousing way of getting a critically themed message across that too to your obvious enemy. and to the dimwits asserting this to the possible episode of WWIII grow a brain. i wrote this last week and i thought i should just post it. also i was home alone today and i heard an old favourite song on the radio so i said hey why not give it a shot so i performed grace kelly by mika in the living room because of the surround sound and gotta say i can hit the high notes pretty good very proud of myself. its almost 4 and ive gotta get up at nine for economics ugh goodnight. yesterday once more // the carpenters

[shahmeerzaman]

newsflash

my classes have been stressful af i don’t get many days off even on the weekends im rushing across the city to get a seat in front cause there’s so many kids if u sit in the back u ain’t gon learn shit. i tried to help my brother with his math exam last week and i think half my hair fell out yes that kid is dumb at one point i forgot how to multiply no lie

i just want my cies to be over with already these 4 years kill u man life spins out of control ur motivation level drops below 0 u start looking like a zombie from all the sleepless nights of worrying about exams and shit but never actually studying lol

im writing this from the bathroom and i just saw a spider goodbye

[shahmeerzaman]

distance

you got away i never once heard you say “i need you”

lately i’ve been feeling distant from everyone in my life, my friends, family. i feel like if anything were to happen to me, if i were to dissappear nothing much would change. i’ve been let down so many times i’m used to it. you see if i’m angry or upset i dont scream and break stuff. i stay quiet, isolate myself. and this happens so often that it has led me far away and i dont know how to go back. i dont talk as much as i used to.

do you ever feel like if it wasn’t for that group chat, you’d have different friends or maybe no friends at all. books and tv shows are ny safe haven which is kind of sad. and its funny how i write all this stuff but nobody reads it which is nice i guess. my readers digest subscription expired this month and i dont have money to renew it. anyway enough sadness lets talk about winter. i love december everything’s so cold and cozy i love it. hot coffee and warm sweaters ah. also my dad might possibly buy the car i spent my childhood in tho he had to sell it a few years after i was born. i loved that car it was a timeless classic ive always tried to talk him into getting me one and now my dream could come true. lmao i remember going to school and every kid at school was all hey your dad has a rad car. anyway lets see what happens see yall next time.

chelsea hotel no 2 // leonard cohen

[shahmeerzaman]

dying

seems like all i did this year was lose friends, watch tv shows, laugh at memes, give birth to a new and improved kind of hate for yoko and fail my exams. ukno the more stuff i have to do the more i sleep. its like i cant cope and thats not cool. they killed wes and decided not to air the next episode until after thanksgiving ffs how do i stay calm its fucking wes. also ahs s6 ended lmao i have 2 words for it “fucking bullshit” yep. cause we’re living in a material world and i am a material girl how catchy is this song ugh. for some reason i cant seem to think of a single something to write on so i guess this is it goodbye material girl // madonna

[shahmeerzaman]

rant

so i watched miss peregrine’s home for peculiar children today and i’ve gotta say i’m not impressed. the film is primarily made for children of ages 6 to 8, the film starts okay and im interested to see what happens and everything seems woah this is new and then half way everything goes south lol they fucking ruined the plot with subtle animated cartooning and as much as the action sequences could’ve been packed with full fledged dramatisation it sucked. a potential set and story destroyed. tim burton what’d u do man lol. the visual effects are incredible but they way everyone and everything is handling it makes me want to cry. inbetween days // the cure