Welcome to Gossip Dino, where you can get all the juicy gossip, from a dinosaur.
If you’ve ever wanted to be kept up on all of the Cardboard City Mall drama, you’re in the right place.
But first, let’s get to know our victims I mean mall staff.
To start us off we have your tipicle stoner, Gilbitch Beilshit-Karpusi. Working at Spencers, he never actually does any work ever, and he just spends his time harassing Hot Topic employees, being stoned, and screwing his wife in the changing rooms.
Next, we have Hera Beilshit-Karpusi, the wife of Gilbitch. She works at the PetCo but also doesn’t do much work, she just pets cats, adopts cats, practically is a cat, and screws her husband in the changing rooms. She is known to walk around in a cat fursuit, but that is the least weird thing that happens in this mall, so nobody really cares.
Moving on from her, we have the train wreck that is Fransus Baguettefoy. He’s practically an old man who works at Claire’s, and many people have reported seeing a misterius “Red Water” behind the counter whenever he’s working. He enjoys chasing after the mall cop while making sounds that resemble a rat with rabies, and he also likes to give his best friend Gilbitch piercings when he’s high beyond reach.
Now for the saddest of the bunch, Arthur Kinkland. Known for his notorious brows waxed off by another employee at one point, he does nothing but complain and nobody likes him. Fransus left him for the mall cop, Gilbitch got him fired by accident, Vladimir left him for a dilf, nobody cares about him. Also, he murdered his only friend, an imaginary bunny that Gilbitch could see when he was high as hell.
Then, we have Antonio Fernandez-nobody cares. He works at a churro shop and basically died, so we have no news on him because he’s never around.
Onto the next victim uh I meant MALL STAFF we have Jett Kinkland. Nothing has really happened to him, which is weird considering he’s actually kind of dumb, but he somehow manages to stay out of trouble. Oh, but he is Arthur’s brother, which is a problem within itself.
After that we have Ludwig Beilschmidt. A dilf, he works at some fitness store nobody goes to. He’s known for being the alcoholic brother of the stoner, who is much more relevant than this stupid drunk. The only desirable thing about him is the fact that he has man tits the size of Jupiter. Other than that, he’s just an alcoholic dilf, and nobody gives a crap. Also, he’s extremely gay and everyone knows.
And now, we have Chad Arthur Kinkland. He was only around for about 20 minutes, but he was the result of Arthur getting fired and getting his brows waxed. He was totally straight and liked wearing socks with the boys.
After that sad piece of doodoo, we have an even sadder piece of doodoo. A sad rat man who works at the churro shop, and who got curbstomped for throwing out an entire bag of Gils weed, Lovino Vargas. He’s a ball of depression and anger, so again, nobody cares.
Then we have Albread Jones, a man who works at McDonalds and likes babysitting an angelic and perfect vampire child. He’s not a fan of cocomelon so he is kind of a disgrace, but whatever. He’s also really dumb, and likes to let the angelic and perfect vampire child eat human food and climb trees in the broad daylight. Apparently he doesn’t know the kids a vampire. Idiot.
After him we have Roda Mikkelsdó- what, but you can call her Ro and forget her last name because nobody knows how to say it. She works in some music shop and is one of the only unproblematic people, all I really know is that she likes animals and Albread has a mega crush on her or something.
And then we have Vladimir Popescu, an amazing vampire guy with an amazing vampire brother. He’s nothing but kind and amazing, and he works at a spiritual rock shop called Rock 🪨, and is the perfect older brother. Everyone likes Vladimir, even though he waxed Arthur’s brows off, and he also abandoned Arthur for the dilf, stupid freaking dilf, but like that’s fine. It’s ok. Whatever. He has amazing hair and eyes and everyone loves him, and anyone who doesn’t love him misteriusly disappears. Idk.
And moving on, we have the super adorable super awesome vampire child, Aurel Popescu. He enjoys cocomelon and dinosaurs, and he loves wondering the mall with Gil, and looking at pets at PetCo while Gil and Hera are “busy” having “alone time.” He’s also the mascot of Rock 🪨 because Vladimir is too busy being cool to do anything like that. Aurel is just cute, and it’s impossible to dislike him.
And then there’s the head mall cop, Freddy. Nobody knows his last name. Nobody knows who Freddy really is. Freddy is just Freddy. He’s Fransus’ main victim, and as lame as it sounds he’s usually targeted by the baguette mans advances. He has tased Fransus and will do it again. Also, Arthur hates him. No surprise there.
Finally there Allistor Kinkland, and nobody really knows crap about him, he’s just there. Cool.
And that concludes our intro. Expect updates often, seeing as the mall is a literal zoo. We have many stories, ranging from Tony the Tiger coming to life to Lovino being almost fired for throwing out weed, we have it all. But for now, this is Gossip Dino signing off.
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