After being unusually distant all day, Jamie tries to go for a midnight walk alone in the middle of the night. Dani objects, leading to their first major fight. CW: panic attack
Dani walked out of the bathroom in her pajamas to find Jamie retying her boots.
“I just need some air. Don’t wait up.”
“You just went for a walk.”
Jamie had gone out after dinner and come back almost two hours later and now here she was just over two hours later pulling on a coat.
“Didn’t do the trick, I guess.”
Jamie, who’d been avoiding her gaze now turned around and grabbed the doorknob leading out of their studio apartment.
In the intervening two hours, they’d watched TV. Jamie hadn’t seemed in the cuddling mood, so they’d simple sat side-by-side on the futon, nor had she offered any of her usual color or off-color commentary. At some point, Dani had looked over and given her a small smile, trying to test the waters, and Jamie had leaned over and kissed her.
It’s not that Dani had minded exactly, but Jamie was rarely that impulsive, and she’d looked rather desperate, dejected even. It was further proof that she wasn’t herself, but before Dani could act, Jamie herself had abruptly pulled back with a whimper, pale and wide-eyed.
Dani had reached over, but Jamie had shifted just out of her reach and faced forward, hugging her knees. Sighing, Dani had turned her attention back to the TV, not that she’d really been able to focus on it at all since they’d turned it on.
They’d sat in silence again until Dani had said she was going to get ready for bed. Jamie had nodded and now here they were.
“It’s almost midnight, Jamie. And it’s freezing.”
“Not gonna be able to sleep anyway.”
“Fine, then I’m coming with you.”
Dani started walking over. Jamie sighed and turned around.
“No, you need your sleep, and I - I need to do this alone.”
Dani stopped just a foot from her.
Her tone wasn’t harsh, but it was firm. Jamie looked down.
“Nothin’. Just… I’ll be back soon, okay?”
“No, it’s not okay! You can’t ignore me all day and then wander off in the middle of the night!”
“I’m not!” Jamie cut herself off, clenching her fists and closing her eyes, and took a deep breath. “It’s not like that.”
As Jamie opened her eyes, she saw Dani’s hands take hers.
“Then tell me what’s it like. Please, talk me.”
Jamie tried to swallow the lump forming in her throat, but her voice still came out shaky.
She felt Dani squeeze her hands.
“I know that.” Dani sighed. “But if I - ”
Jamie finally looked up, shaking her head.
“I meant what I said this mornin’. You’ve not done anythin’ wrong.”
“Then tell me what I can do to help.”
Jamie could see Dani’s eyes starting to glisten. She hated herself for it, and she hated herself even more for what she was about to do.
She turned back around and reached for the doorknob.
She didn’t look back as she closed the door behind her.
Dani cupped Jamie’s clammy cheek as her head jerked back from her chest.
“Jamie, you’re okay! You’re safe. You’re with me.”
Dani had become accustomed to Jamie’s post-nightmare disorientation and panic over the past several months. But she wasn’t sure she’d ever seen her this wild-eyed and putting Jamie’s head against her chest hadn’t calmed her down like it normally did. She could still feel Jamie shaking and could even feel herself trembling slightly.
“You’re at The Leafling. You had a bad dream.”
She brushed away a few damp curls stuck to Jamie’s face. After several moments, Dani felt Jamie’s pulse starting to slow, her breathing starting to regulate, albeit to just a step down from hyperventilation. After a few more moments, her eyes became more focused and then zeroed in on her.
Her voice sounded hoarse. Dani raised an eyebrow.
“Did you really think I was just gonna go to sleep?”
Jamie held her gaze for a moment, then hung her head.
Jamie felt her cheeks start to heat up beneath tear tracks and cold sweat. She realized that Dani was holding her up. Jamie’s legs were stretched out on the coach in the back room she vaguely remembered sitting down on after walking around town, pacing really. But Dani was supporting her entire upper body, which was turned sideways toward Dani. Jamie sighed.
Dani laughed. It wasn’t her normal laugh, though, more of a cough.
Dani wasn’t mad, a bit weary maybe, but not mad, not in the way she should’ve been, at least — the way she had every right to be. Dani was bringing Jamie back to her chest before Jamie even processed she was crying again.
Jamie shook her head violently, as violently as she could with Dani now cradling it.
It came out as more of a wail this time.
Jamie swallowed hard, then gasped, her limbs still jerking.
Without another word, Dani helped her sit up. Jamie shakily swung her legs down onto the floor, faced forward, buried her face in her hands and closed her eyes.
“Breathe, Jamie. Breathe.”
Jamie tried to focus on Dani slowly rubbing her back. After a few minutes, she started to get her sobbing under control, and her breathing along with it. She cleared her throat, brought her hands down and opened her eyes. She was still shaking, but she realized now that it was partially shivering. The heat was on, but it was still winter and she’d soaked her shirt through beneath her coat.
“I should’a just told you.”
Jamie jerked her head up and looked over, tears still streaming down her face. She felt Dani’s hand freeze on her back. Dani looked uncomfortable, almost guilty.
“You - you said his name a few times… when you were… Mine, too.”
Jamie looked back down, sniffling.
She didn’t want it to, but her chest felt lighter already. She felt Dani start to rub her back again.
“He’s 24 now… if he’s still… ”
Jamie tried to clear her throat, but the sob came out before she could stop it. She buried her face in her hands once more. She felt Dani slide closer and put her other hand on her shoulder, rubbing it gently too.
After a couple minutes, Jamie composed herself again, more or less — wringing her hands as she stared at the floor.
“I like to be alone on… ” She swallowed. “The day because - ”
“You like to punish yourself.”
Jamie looked over and opened her mouth, but then closed it again and looked back down. She nodded after a moment.
“Well, that’s not gonna fly with me.”
Jamie laughed shakily, then sniffled, sat back and turned to Dani, who kept her hand on Jamie’s shoulder.
“Well, I was going to follow you, but then I realized I could see you out the window. And I knew you wouldn’t get far, especially in this… ”
Dani gestured to her, and Jamie laughed shakily again. Ironically, she hadn’t dressed quite as warmly for her second venture out as she had for her first. And it was January in Vermont.
“And then I realized you were walking in circles, basically, so I waited for you to settle somewhere.” Dani faced forward. “And I saw you head in this direction, so I figured… ” Dani exhaled. “But I didn’t come right away. I didn’t want to upset you more. And I… ” Dani swallowed and looked down at the floor. “And I guess I was still kinda mad at you, too.”
Dani took a shaky breath. Jamie reached over and put a hand on Dani’s knee, squeezing it with as much force her trembling hand could muster.
“I should’ve come sooner. You were - you were… it was bad.”
“Hey, no. Dani, look at me.“
Dani slowly looked over, tears starting to trickle down from her blue-brown eyes.
"You didn’t have to come at all.”
“Ya didn’t. I tried to push you away, and that’s on me, not you.”
Dani sniffled and took a deep breath.
“When I finally got here, you were… it took awhile… longer than it normally does… but eventually… ”
Jamie faced forward, keeping her hand on Dani’s knee. She felt the lump in throat returning.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Dani wipe her face, then get up and open the door to the main room.
The store wasn’t actually in business yet, still under construction. But they’d set up the back room as a kind of base of operations.
Jamie looked over properly. It was still dark outside but not pitch black. Jamie cleared her throat and stood up.
“We need to get ya home.”
Dani turned back and took Jamie’s hand, then took a deep breath.
“I know I can be… persistent.”
Dani gave her a look that said she wasn’t done.
“I know I can be persistent. I know sometimes you’re gonna need space, and you’re not gonna want to talk… but you can’t - you can’t just shut me out, not like this.”
Jamie looked down, nodding.
“I know.” She sighed. “I’m so sorry.”
“Good. Apology accepted.”
Dani turned back around, lifting her other arm as she stretched. Jamie looked up in near-disbelief.
Dani turned around, surprised.
“Do you want to talk more? We can. I just - I wasn’t sure - ”
“No, I mean… I just meant… we’re - we’re good?”
Dani’s expression softened. She squeezed Jamie’s hand.
Jamie brought her free hand up to wipe her face as she felt fresh tears fall. After a moment, she nodded, sniffling.
“Jamie, what are you doing?”
Almost an hour had passed. Knowing Jamie usually ate first thing in the morning, Dani had asked if she could make them breakfast, and Jamie had, of course, readily obliged after she’d taken a hot shower, also at Dani’s insistence. She’d grown quiet again but not distant, offering small smiles here and there.
But now as Dani finally lied down on the futon, she watched Jamie sit down in front of it.
“I don’t really want to go back to sleep.”
Dani slid forward, grabbed the remote off their nightstand and turned on the TV.
“Here, put on whatever you want.”
As Jamie turned around, Dani put the remote on the edge of the futon and then patted the space in front of her. She saw Jamie’s eyes widen.
“Yes,” Dani answered, mid-yawn.
She watched Jamie shyly take the remote, a ghost of a smile on her lips, pull herself up and lie down in front of her. Dani slid even closer, wrapping her arm around Jamie’s waist and kissed the back of her head.
“If you move a muscle before I wake up - ”
Dani had meant it as a joke, but Jamie sounded almost choked up. Dani lifted her hand off Jamie’s stomach and brought it to her neck.
She started scratching softly, and Jamie immediately giggled and squirmed. Dani scoffed.
“Jamie! What did I just say?”
But Dani continued to tickle her, laughing along with Jamie, who was struggling to catch her breath it seemed.
“Dani… ” The remote fell to the floor as Jamie lost the last of her grip strength. “Dani, please.”
Dani finally let up, and Jamie started to recover. Laughing still, she leaned down to pick up the remote and then settled back against Dani. She cleared her throat.
Smiling, Dani wrapped her arms around Jamie’s waist once more and closed her eyes.
Dani woke up to the smell of coffee and the absence of Jamie. Blinking a few more times — the blinds were still closed but sunlight was now streaming through — she propped her head up and spotted Jamie standing the kitchen, pouring out the pot into a mug.
As she watched, Jamie put the pot down on the counter, turned around, saw her and froze like a deer in headlights. Dani sat up properly, swung her legs over and put a hand out as she stood up.
“I could tell you were startin’ to wake up. So I - I thought ya might - ”
“I know, honey. Thank you.”
Dani put her hands around Jamie’s, which were trembling slightly, jostling the coffee.
She spoke softly. Jamie nodded. Dani sighed.
“Why are you acting like you’re scared of me?”
Jamie’s eyes widened even more. Dani carefully took the mug out of her hands, put it on the counter behind them and cupped Jamie’s face.
“Jamie… I’m not going anywhere… You apologized, and you stayed… That’s all you had to do… I don’t need anything else. We’re good.”
Jamie opened her mouth, seemingly to object, but then closed it. Her eyes were still giving her away, though. Dani sighed.
“Okay, if you want to do something, you can stop being so hard on yourself… I don’t want that, especially not on my account… So can do you that… for me?”
After a moment, Jamie nodded. Dani leaned up on her tiptoes, kissed Jamie’s forehead and finally felt her start to relax.
Dani took a deep breath. She would’ve said what she was about to say earlier in the day, but she hadn’t wanted to overwhelm Jamie in her already fragile state. It had only been a couple weeks since she’d said it for the first time.
But now she knew Jamie needed to hear it, to be reminded that it wasn’t conditional.
She saw Jamie’s lips twitch upward, but then start to tremble. She heard her breath starting to catch as she heaved back a sob.
She wrapped her arms around Jamie, rubbing her back and smoothing her hair. She could tell Jamie was still trying to hold back.
“It’s okay, Jamie. It’s okay.”
She then felt Jamie bury her face into her shoulder as she let herself feel it. They stayed like for awhile, until Jamie had cried her fill and slowly pulled back, wiping her face and smiling sheepishly.
Smiling herself, Dani reached behind her, grabbed the now rather tepid cup of coffee and took a sip.
“Actually, I do have one more request.”
Jamie nodded vigorously as she sniffled.
“Can you start making fun of me again?”
Jamie laughed, finally, though she sounded even hoarser now, and Dani almost regretted asking. Jamie cleared her throat.
“Are ya really askin’ me that while drinkin’ flavored water?”
“That’s what tea is, too!”
Smirking, Jamie raised an eyebrow.
“You tryna start another fight, Poppins?”
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