I remember when Tumblr was a place where I could just lay my thoughts out. There was something about having a dedicated, small audience that got to see how I was really doing on the inside, during a time where people weren’t ever concerned about social media. I remember being in high school, and I made the hypothesis: “What if people don’t actually like the food they’re eating, and just post it online for the satisfaction of getting likes?”. I pitched to my friends at a session one night and we sat and laughed. “Miggy, you think to hard, chill”, is what they would tell me. Little did I know, that years later, I would investigate that same hypothesis in a more constructive and calculated way in Junior College.
The pathway to higher education was never really certain, it was more so just a destination that I knew I had to reach one way or another. In 2011, if you told me, “You’re going to be at Sac State and own your own car” I wouldn’t believe you. We were kids. Kids that were too mature to be worried about the latest sneaker releases, celebrity gossip, and the he said, she said-s of the time. We had to grow up fast, light years ahead it seemed.
Watching my classmates go off to college and seeing them in their caps and gowns made me really think. It made me realize that maybe college just wasn’t for everyone and maybe for people like me, it wasn’t possible. Sitting here now, 5 weeks into the semester at a new university, nothing feels real. Nothing feels certain, and nothing here feels genuine. Trying to merge into existing social groups and campus organizations in the middle of the year is difficult.There are no breaks, no time to really catch your breath to even say “you’re here, you got what you wanted”. I spent so much of my life fighting for my opportunity, but now that I’m here, I don’t know how to take it all in.
Am I actually the best version of myself at the end of the day? or have I been living in this idea of what I think that should be. We went from dancing every Friday, to spending nights in studying. We used to go to Freestyle jams once a month, to hitting up music events almost every other month to decompress. We never really cared about the damage and justified it by saying “People go harder anyway”. Young and naive, we did it anyway. We were brought into this new level of life where there was no strategy guide, no real sense of security; Just a lot of stress and uncertainty. We spend money for entertainment, and push our bodies and our health to its limits without thinking twice.
Through the years, I learned not to judge. Everyone has their way of decompressing. Be it a substance, a piece of chocolate, or maybe even meditation. Seeing friends going hard at parties just to get away for a few hours, slowly started to make sense. I’ve come back to Tumblr with this in mind. I don’t exactly know why, but I wanted to get my thoughts out there. A place with a false sense of security, a place where I can see in writing, that I am indeed still alive. A place that reminds me of where I’ve come from, an outlet that reflects my feelings and insecurities in writing. To show the kids that they aren’t the only ones up at night. If I can do it, You can too.
I made it and I am proud.
