Shouty Wisdom

We're Liz and Teagan. We have desk jobs and we shout at each other on the internet.

[shoutywisdom-blog]

On Soot Rolls and Shannyn Sossamon

Liz:  http://www.firstsounds.org/sounds/scott.php THESE ARE SO COOL TEAGAN THEY RECORDED THESE SOUNDS ON SOOT ROLLS IN 1860 AND NOW WE CAN HEAR THEM NO ONE HEARD THEM UNTIL LIKE 2011

Teagan:  SOOT ROLLS!

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A WEIRD CANDY

FOR OLD PEOPLE

THAT THEY GIVE KIDS ON HALLOWEEN BUT THE KIDS THEN THROW AWAY

Liz:  THEY TASTE LIKE LICORICE AND ARE SUGAR FREE

YEP YEP YEP

Liz:  WITH A SMILING RACIST CARICATURE ON THE COVER

BUT ALSO

my favorite thing about this

is that he sung a "do re mi" scale into this machine

OFF KEY

and no one would have known he did it off key til now!

IT JUST BLOWS MY MIND, TEAGAN

YOU CAN HEAR HIM CORRECT HIS OWN PITCH

Teagan: AUDIO SCIENCE

AND I DON'T MEAN SHANNYN SOSSAMON'S SON

I MEAN ACTUAL REAL AUDIO SCIENCE

IS AMAAAAAAAZING

Liz:  WHO THE HELL IS SHANNYN SOSSAMON AND WHY ALL THE CONSONANTS?

Teagan: LIZ YOU KNOW WHO SHANNYN SOSSAMON IS

I'M SURE YOU'VE SEEN HER IN SOOOOOOOME MOVIE FROM THE 2000'S http://images.fanpop.com/images/image_uploads/Shannyn-shannyn-sossamon-244589_705_946.jpg

 Liz:  OH SEE NOW ONLY YOU KNOW HER NAME, TEAGAN

TO ME SHE IS ANNOYING LOVE INTEREST FROM A KNIGHT'S TALE

Teagan: WELL YEAH SURE

BUT

THE POINT IS

SHE NAMED HER KID AUDIO SCIENCE

THAT WAS THE JOKE HERE.

Liz: POOR MAN ...POOR MAN'S ROSARIO DAWSON

IS THE THING

TEAGAN, THE JOKE IS THAT YOU KNOW EVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERYONE AND THEIR CHILD.

I WAS TRYING TO SAY SHE'S A POOR MAN'S ROSARIO DAWSON

BUT I ALSO COULDN'T REMEMBER ROSARIO DAWSON'S NAME

AND I FEEL LIKE THERE'S SOMEONE BETTER THAT SHE LOOKS A WHOLE BUNCH LIKE BUT HAS A BETTER CAREER THAN HER

KINDA LIKE HOW THAT GIRL FROM MEET JOE BLACK IS SUBSTITUTE ANGELINA JOLIE

WHICH... THIIIIINK ABOUT IT

IMAGINE IF ANGELINA JOLIE HAD BEEN IN MEET JOE BLACK

WOULD BRADGATE EVER HAVE HAPPENED!?

WHEN WERE BRAD AND JEN A THING?

WHO CARES

POINT IS

THOSE THINGS

AND ALSO NATASHA RICHARDSON WAS A POOR MAN'S EMMA THOMPSON

LESLEY ANN WARREN IS A POOR MAN'S SUSAN SARANDON

MARTIN MULL IS A POOR MAN'S TERI GARR

THAT GUY FROM DIVERGENT IS A POOR MAN'S DAVE FRANCO, WHO IS A POOR MAN'S JAMES FRANCO, WHO IS A POOR MAN'S JAMES DEAN

HARRY STYLES IS A POOR MAN'S HOUSE CACTUS COVERED IN CAT HAIR ALSO MAMIE GUMMER IS NOT A POOR MAN'S MERYL STREEP

MAMIE GUMMER IS MERYL STREEP WITH A SMALLER FACE BUT SAME SIZE HEAD

Teagan: HAHAHAHAHAHA LIZ

YOU HAVE FOUND YOUR CALLING

FIGURING OUT WHICH CELEBRITIES ARE THE POOR MAN'S VERSION OF OTHER CELEBRITIES

BY THE WAY THE WOMAN IN MEET JOE BLACK IS CLAIRE FORLANI

...IN CASE YOU WANTED TO KNOW.

Liz:  WHAT CAN I SAY, I'M ON A BUDGET

AND NO I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW

SHE IS JOLIE-LITE

AND THAT GIRL FROM S1M0NE, YOU KNOW, THAT TERRIBLE AL PACINO MOVIE

SHE IS A POOR MAN'S UMA THURMAN

WHO, IF YOU WILL RECALL THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS AND DOGS, IS A HOT JANEANE GARAFALO.

[lizardjellybean]

shoutywisdom, artemisagrotera

YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE

[shoutywisdom-blog]

Teagan. FOR YOU.

[shoutywisdom-blog]

HERMAN CAIN GIF, VOLUME TWO

In which the consequences of posting things online become abundantly clear: 

Teagan:  Elizabeth.

Liz:  Si.

Teagan:  I would like to take this time to ask you

why, exactly

it is

that we were Tweeted at

by

Liz: whaaat!

Teagan:  HERMAN CAIN NEWS

Liz:  TEAGAN WHAT.

Teagan:  I AM GOING TO FIGHT YOU

Liz:  TEAGAN WHAT.

TEAGAN WHAT TEAGAN WHAT.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAA TEAGAN.

Teagan:  https://twitter.com/CAIN4PRESIDENT/status/451971062109323264

I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENED

OR WHY

BUT I KNOW YOU'RE BEHIND IT SOMEHOW

Liz:  TEAGAN APPARENTLY WE'RE REPORTING ON HIM

TEAGAN WE'RE COVERING THE HERMAN CAIN CAMPAIGN

TEAGAN I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER IN MY WHOLE LIFE

CAN WE RESPOND TO THIS?

BE LIKE "YEP, TOTALLY SOME ONGOING COVERAGE OF THE CAIN CAMPAIGN OVER HERE, DEFINITELY NOT JUST THREE MUPPETS IN A TRENCHCOAT"

Teagan:  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

SURE

WHY NOT

And so they did: https://twitter.com/CAIN4PRESIDENT/status/451971062109323264

[shoutywisdom-blog]

Teagan's List of Things She Hates

Liz 

tell me about why you hate celery

Teagan 

BECAUSE IT IS DISGUSTING

and usually I can avoid it

but every once in a while

we'll get egg salad sandwiches at work

for meetings

from Goddess and Grocer

and USUALLY they're fine

but EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE

Liz 

aw man I LOVE celery in there

Teagan 

THERE WILL BE LITTLE BITS OF CELERY IN THERE

Liz 

lil bit oh crunch

Teagan

AND EW EW EW EW EW EW

NO GET IT AWAY FROM ME

Liz 

does it smell like pee to you?

Teagan 

LIL BIT OH DISGUSTING

...no?

Liz 

There are people who think celery smells just like celery

Teagan 

...is that a thing?

Liz 

people who think it smells like a woody, earthy smell (ME!)

and people who think it smells like pee

and generally people who don't like celery think it smells like pee

Teagan 

I mean

I've never thought that

I don't necessarily have a problem with its SMELL

just its TASTE

and TEXTURE

Liz 

what

Teagan 

which is why also I can live with it when it's cooked

Liz 

this I don't get

Teagan 

like, in soups and things

when it's all mooshy

Liz 

it's flavor isn't really there UNTIL it's cooked

Teagan 

and tastes just like soup

NOPE

TASTES SO GROSS RAW

Liz 

hahhaaa

Teagan where are your tastebuds!?

what's happened to your poor mouth that you hate a vegetable that is like 95% water so much?

Teagan

SOMEWHERE NEAR MY EYE SOCKETS I THINK

Liz 

it's like if water and rope became friends

so I get the texture thing

Teagan 

SEE

NOW

THAT SOUNDS DISGUSTING

LIZ

Liz 

DID A CELERY KILL YOUR BROTHER!?

Teagan 

YOU JUST ENCOURAGED ME TO LIKE SOMETHING

BECAUSE IT IS BASICALLY SOGGY ROPE.

Liz 

It's like FROZEN rope

DELICIOUS, CRISPY, FROZEN ROPE

Teagan

OH THAT'S SO MUCH BETTER AND MORE APPETIZING

Liz 

MAN, SAILORS STUCK IN THE ARCTIC WOULD FIGHT YOU FOR FROZEN ROPE

ESPECIALLY IF YOU PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON IT

Teagan 

EW

UGH

MY GOD

I HAVE NEVER EVER

UNDERSTOOD THAT

People putting PEANUT BUTTER on celery.

AND FUCKING RAISINS

WHAT ARE YOU, LUNATICS

COME ON

THAT IS ONE GOOD THING

Liz 

CRUNCHY DELICIOUS VEGETABLY

Teagan 

AND TWO DISGUSTING THINGS

SLAPPED TOGETHER AND SHOVED AT CHILDREN

Liz 

you don't like Raisins?

Teagan

NO LIZ RAISINS ARE DISGUSTING

Liz

I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU ONLY CELERY STICKS AND COOKIES WITH RAISINS FROM NOW ON

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T LIKE RAISINS

TEAGAN, HOW ARE YOU A VEGETARIAN?

YOU DON'T LIKE RAISINS, CELERY, MUSHROOMS

TEAGAN ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T LIKE MEAT?

YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF THINGS

Teagan 

HAHAHAHA

LIZ

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW

I AM, CURRENTLY

AT MY MOST EVOLVED STATE OF EATING

WHEN I WAS A KID

I LIKED MAYBE 30% OF THE THINGS I LIKE NOW

I SUBSISTED ON CHEESE AND BEANS

AND BREAD

AND THAT WAS PRETTY MUCH IT

I DIDN'T EVEN LIKE

LETTUCE

FUCKING LETTUCE

UNTIL I WAS LIKE THIRTEEN.

Liz

TEAGAN.

HOW DID YOUR PARENTS NOT FIGHT YOU.

[shoutywisdom-blog]

HERMAN CAIN GIF, VOLUME ONE

Teagan Walsh-Davis

Man

you know what is a surprisingly difficult thing to find

that I would VERY MUCH LIKE TO FIND

?

Liz Siedt

yes?

pants with your own face on them?

Teagan Walsh-Davis

A relatively inexpensive cassette-to-MP3 converter

Hahahahaha THAT TOO

Liz Siedt

http://media.tumblr.com/4bfc2789a7dda92322e2bbdbc637ba94/tumblr_inline_muzu3whha21r7e3hz.gif

Teagan Walsh-Davis

HOW DARE YOU

I AM SPEAKING TO YOU FROM THE HEART

Liz Siedt

HAHAHAAAA

Teagan Walsh-Davis

ABOUT MY HARDSHIPS

AND YOU

RESPOND WITH A BETRAYAL

Liz Siedt

I AM SPEAKING TO YOU FROM THE WEIRD MOUTHGRIN

hahahahhaa

Teagan Walsh-Davis

IN THE FORM OF A HERMAN CAIN GIF

[shoutywisdom-blog]

Liz's List of Things She Hates

Teagan Walsh-Davis

http://the-toast.net/2014/01/21/eleven-worst-plants/

MALLORY THINKS THAT SUNFLOWERS LOOK LIKE "THE SEVERED HEAD OF A BLONDE MAN"

SO.

Liz Siedt

I'M AFRAID TO READ THIS ARTICLE BECAUSE ARE LOTUS SEED PODS THERE!?

Teagan Walsh-Davis

NO

THANKFULLY NOT

Wait, are you trypophobic?

Liz Siedt

IS THAT THE ONE WITH THE HOLES BECAUSE NOT REALLY BUT I HAAAAATE LOOKING AT THEM

I'm not AFRAID

I JUST HATE THEM SO MUCH

FLAMES

ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE

Teagan Walsh-Davis

Yeah, it's the fear of clustered irregular holes

Liz Siedt

whatabout clustered REGULAR holes?

I don't particularly like them either

I'm not a big fan of that phone case thing for iPhones, what with the holes on the back

and there was once a barnacly butter dish at Anthropologie that I wanted to SMASH

But I feel just kinda repulsed

Teagan Walsh-Davis

Hahahahaha

Liz Siedt

not really afraid

like the thing with the cotton balls

I HATE THEM

but I do not FEAR them

Teagan Walsh-Davis

THAT'S RIGHT I ALWAYS FORGET THAT

How much you hate cotton balls

Liz Siedt

I could set them on fire, I'm not afraid of them.

I'm not afraid of anything I could use as kindling and not be called a murderer.

Teagan Walsh-Davis

Hahahahahah

That's fair.

Liz Siedt

But I do not like the way they sound when you pull them apart

AND I DO NOT LIKE HOW LOTUS POD THINGIES LOOK LIKE AN INFESTED DEAD MAN'S CHEEK

also I hate maggots and maybe fear them a little

but I can still set them on fire, so not a BIG fear

Teagan Walsh-Davis

AHHHHHHHHHHH

WELL

WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT

I AM REPULSED BY ANYTHING YOU COULD DESCRIBE AS RESEMBLING AN INFESTED DEAD MAN'S CHEEK

Liz Siedt

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT

Teagan Walsh-Davis

also FUCK MAGGOTS

But ANYWAY

BOTTOM LINE

...no this Toast piece has no lotus pods in it.

[shoutywisdom-blog]

In Which Teagan, Lady of the House, Heads to the Library

Teagan: I think I need to be sent to bed without supper

because

I'm doing expense reports

and where I was supposed to write "Laboratory"

I wrote "Library"

THREE SEPARATE TIMES

USE YOUR WORDS

Liz:  TEAGAN I KNOW WHERE YOU WOULD RATHER BE

  Teagan:  WHERE

THE LIBRARY

YES

YES I WOULD

JEEVES

GET ME TO A LIBRARY

STAT

Liz:  yes madam, right away madam

Teagan:  THANK YOU JEEVES

AND BE CERTAIN TO FETCH MY MINKIEST STOLE

THERE'S A CHILL

I MUSTN'T CATCH INFLUENZA

Liz: madam, begging madam's pardon, madam's minkiest stole is at the cleaners after the Masque of the Red Death madam attended last week-end. Perhaps madam's second-minkiest stole would suffice?

  Teagan:  OH VERY WELL JEEVES

SECOND-MINKIEST WILL DO

AS FIRST MINKIEST DOES SO NEED TO BE CLEANED

SIR RED DEATH, THOUGH HE THROWS AN EXCELLENT FETE

IS SIMPLY A TERROR WITH A WINE GLASS

SLOSHING EVERYWHERE

WITH NO REGARD FOR SELF OR OTHERS

AND BETWEEN YOU AND I, JEEVES

I MUST CONFESS

I FEAR THAT WHAT WAS INSIDE THE GLASS WAS PERHAPS NOT WINE AT ALL

IT WAS OF A TERRIBLE VISCOSITY

AND BLOODY COLOR

I SHAN'T SAY ANYTHING TO HIM, OF COURSE

POLITENESS SWAYS ME OTHERWISE

BUT I THINK I SHALL THINK TWICE BEFORE ATTENDING ANOTHER SOIREE AT HIS ABODE, THAT'S FOR CERTAIN

SUCH STAINS ARE THE BANE OF MY MINKIEST STOLES.

Liz: as madam wishes

Teagan:  THANK YOU, JEEVES

IN THE NAME OF QUEEN AND COUNTRY, SUCH A CHILL IN THE AIR THIS DAY

DO CALL AHEAD TO THE LIBRARY AND ENSURE THEY ARE EQUIPPED WITH THE BEST STOVE HEATERS

BUT ALSO THAT THEY ARE KEEPING THEM FURTHER FROM THE BOOKS THIS TIME

TRAGIC, WHAT HAPPENED.

SIMPLY TRAGIC.

Liz:of course, madam

shall I pack the extinguishers in the carriage, madam?

madam I took the liberty of preparing your portable absinthe thermos, for the journey

Teagan:  OH THANK YOU JEEVES

ALWAYS ONE STEP AHEAD

I WILL BE NEEDING THAT, INDEED

EVERYTHING AROUND ME IS LOOKING FAR TOO REGULAR

NOT HALLUCINATE-Y AT ALL

AND THAT SIMPLY WON'T DO

Liz: There is a small bundle of raw sugar cubes in madam's side pocket, as well as the implement over which madam may burn the sugar

Teagan:  OH GOOD YES GOOD

EXCELLENT

I SHALL BE TRIPPING BALLS IN NO TIME

NO TIME AT ALL

Liz:  Forgive me for imposing, madam, but if madam wishes I can prepare the hitching clasps in madam's skirts, so that stumbling back to your chambers later will be less tiresome

Teagan:  OH YES EXCELLENT VERY WELL

DO

THOSE HITCHING CLASPS WERE ONE OF YOUR SHINING MOMENTS, JEEVES

SO MANY UNFORTUNATE TUMBLES AVOIDED, TO BE SURE

Liz:  madam is too kind

Teagan:  AH JEEVES, YOUR CAPACITY FOR HUMAN EMOTION IS ADORABLE

LIKE A KITTEN WITH A BUM LEG

NOW, LET'S NOT TARRY

TO THE CARRIAGE, AT ONCE

Liz: of course, madam

would you like me to bring the kitten with a bum leg?

Teagan:  OH YES PLEASE DO

I DO SO ENJOY WATCHING IT TODDLE AROUND

AND ESPECIALLY WHEN THE ABSINTHE KICKS IN AND IT TURNS INTO A MONSTROUS TIGER LIABLE TO EAT MY FACE

THE TERROR DOES SO HELP MY LOW RESTING HEART RATE.

Liz: but of course, madam. Madam's fitness routine is impeccable.

Teagan:  THANK YOU, JEEVES. MY TERROR-ABS ARE MY PRIDE AND JOY.

Liz: and so firm, if madam will pardon my frankness

and now, if madam will climb into the baby bjorn, I will carry madam to the carriage

there's a good madam

Teagan:  CERTAINLY, JEEVES. YES, CERTAINLY.

[shoutywisdom-blog]

What Would We Have To Say To Get You To Leave The Lot With Our Book Today?

Hey There, chroniclebooks! Have we over here at Shouty Wisdom got a book idea for you!

Here's the title we've been throwing around: Shouty Wisdom. 

Basically put, we are two people who have cleverly disguised ourselves as adults, and scored some desk jobs. But desk jobs, though fulfilling in some other ways (like what with money and all), leave something to be desired in the creativity department. So we shout at each other on the internet, which would normally not be awesome, except that we shout about really INTERESTING things, like what Tiny Tim really died of, Dragons that talk too much, and whether or not Miley Cyrus thinks adults are the same as feral cats. 

Here! Look at this, where we discuss a mountain made out of photocopies of scabies, and the secret origins of Groupon: http://tmblr.co/Zn62Go1AnrjOD

Thanks for your consideration, and happy hunting!

[shoutywisdom-blog]

On Adorable Scabies

Liz: CAT BABIES

Teagan: ...I was gonna say "CABIES" and then I realized that that sounds WAY too much like "SCABIES" and that I would rather nto. *not

Liz: SCABIES! They don't make your uterus quiver? http://www.stanford.edu/class/humbio103/ParaSites2004/Scabies/scabies.jpg Lookadat lil guy just wants to hug your bits!

Teagan: I'm NOT clicking on that.

Liz: CLICK IT CLIIIIIIIICK IT

Teagan: Nope.

Liz: DON'TCHU NOPE ME YOU CLICK ON THAT LINK

Teagan: NOPE. NOT GONNA HAAAAAAAPPEN

Liz: TEAGAN I'LL CHANGE MY PROFILE PICTURE TO IT SO YOU'LL HAVE TO

Teagan: TOO BAD I'LL HIDE YOOOOOOOOOU

Liz: NOPE I'LL MAIL YOU COPIES I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE AND YOUR ZIP CODE AND I HAVE STAMPS WELL, ACCESS TO STAMPS I HAD STAMPS BUT I THINK I LOST THEM OR THEY'RE ONLY POSTCARD STAMPS I'M GONNA EMAIL YOU A PICTURE OF HUGGING SCABIES

Teagan: TOO BAD I'LL NEVER OPEN ANOTHER EMAIL FROM YOU AS LONG AS I LIIIIIIIIVE

Liz: MWA HA HA YOU'RE GOING TO MISS OUT ON SO MANY HOT DEEEEEEEEEEEEEALS

Teagan: HAHAHAHA WHAT ARE YOU, GROUPON?

Liz: ALSO YES I AM GROUPON YOU FOUND ME OUT AND NOW YOU'VE RUINED GROUPON FOR EVERYONE

Teagan: I KNEW IT

Liz: ARE YOU HAPPY? I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GO BACK INTO HIDING FOR ANOTHER 100 YEARS

Teagan: YEP YEP I AM

Liz: OH GOOD YOU KNOW, YOU ARE JUST LIKE FREAKIN ALISTAIR WEMBLEY HE FOUND ME OUT BACK IN 1897 WHEN I WAS GROUPDEALSWHOOYOUBET! A LOCALLY DISTRIBUTED GAZETTE FOR HORSE FARMERS AND I WARNED HIM

Teagan: WEMBLEY!!!!!!

Liz: THAT HIS DISCOVERY WOULD CURSE HIS GENERATION BUT DID HE LISTEN!? NO. AND THEN I HAD TO WAIT UNTIL THE INVENTION OF THE INTERNET. BUT HIS GENERATION WAS TOTALLY CURSED. SO. OPEN THE DAMN SCABIES PICTURE.

Teagan: HAHAHAH NEVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR

Liz: TEAGAN NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THE CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURSE! YOU'RE BASICALLY FLUSHING THIS WHOLE GENERATION DOWN THE TOILET, TEAGAN. ALISTAIR WEMBLEY DIDN'T LOOK AT MY SCABY ETCHING EITHER AND LOOK WHERE HE IS NOW YOU CAN'T HE'S DEAD SURPRISE

Teagan: WELL Y'KNOW WHAT WEMBLEY'S FAILINGS AREN'T MY FAULT I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM I LIVE MY OWN LIFE AND I MAKE MY OWN CHOICES AND THOSE CHOICES DO NOT INVOLVE SCABY PICTURES

Liz: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING, TEAGAN HISTORY REPEATING DOOMED YOU NOT LEARNING HISTORY BACK AGAIN YOU BASICALLY COULD CALL YOURSELF LORD TEAGAN WEMBLEY, BEANSQUIRE.

Teagan: EXCUSE YOU I AM A LADY

Liz: OH!? COULDA FOOLED ME A LADY WOULDA LOOKED AT THAT POOR LONE SCABY

Teagan: AND I DO NOT APPRECIATE THE MOCKING TONE IN "BEANSQUIRE" NO NO SHE WOULD NOT HAVE I HAVE A STRONGER CONSTITUTION THAN MOST LADIES BUT STILL I WILL NOT REDUCE MYSELF TO THAT

Liz: HRMPF YOU'LL FORGIVE ME IF I DON'T TRUST YOUR DEFINITION OF "LADY" YOU BROUGHT THIS UPON YOURSEEEEEEEEEEEELF YOU WILL STAND UPON THE MOUNT AND CONFESS YOUR GUUUUUUILT!

Teagan: THIS MUCH MAY BE TRUE AND THIS MUCH I SHALL PERFORM BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WILL NOT BE UPON THAT MOUNT? SCABIES PICTURE. YOU KNOW WHAT SHALL NOT BEAR WITNESS TO SAID GUILT? SCABIES PICTURE. YOU KNOW WHAT WILL FLY AWAY INTO THE DISTANCE UNTIL IT IS A MERE AMORPHOUS SPECK UPON THE HORIZON? SAY IT WITH ME NOW SCABIES PICTURE.

Liz: OH NO, IT'S A MOUNT MADE OF SCABIES PICTURES EVERY TIME YOU THINK "NO I WILL NOT LOOK AT THAT SCABY"

Teagan: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE, ELIZABETH

Liz: ANOTHER PHOTOCOPY IS BORN

Teagan: I QUIT HENCEFORTH I EXILE MYSELF

Liz: GOOD. GET OUTTA HERE. TAKE YOUR SCABIES MOUNT WITH YOU

Teagan: NEVER!

[shoutywisdom-blog]

On a Most Terrible Word

Liz:  HEY TEAGAN ARE YOUR PAPER BAGS SAD AND DILAPIDATED? DON'T YOU WISH THEY WERE WAY COOLER? POSSIBLY COVERED IN METAL? SO THAT YOU COULD MAKE THEM INTO FURNITURE http://www.almostmakesperfect.com/2014/03/11/diy-metallic-sacks/ LOOK NO MORE

Teagan:  YES THAT IS DEFINITELY SOMETHING I NEEDED ALSO JUST AS A GENERAL RULE NOBODY EVER CALL SOMETHING A "SACK". JUST DON'T. UNLESS IT IS DEROGATORY. BECAUSE I WILL IMMEDIATELY THINK YOU ARE REFERRING TO ONE OF TWO THINGS 1. BALLSACK OR 2. SACK OF SHIT. THOSE ARE THE ONLY TWO ACCEPTABLE USES OF THAT WORD. "SACK LUNCH"? GO FUCK YOURSELF. Liz:  HAHAHA I HAD NO IDEA YOU FELT THIS WAY DID A SACK THREATEN YOUR FAMILY? Teagan:  JESUS CHRIST THAT SENTENCE EVEN Liz:  TEAGAN HATES SACKS, GUYS. Teagan:  I REALLY DO I WOULD MAKE THAT A T-SHIRT OR A TATTOO IF NOT FOR THE FACT THAT HAVING THAT WORD SO NEAR ME WOULD SEND ME INTO CONNIPTIONS Liz:  OH CONNIPTIONS IS OKAY BUT SACKS IS NOT I'M MAKING YOU SO MANY JEWELRIES AND T-SHIRTS Teagan:  THEY'RE ALL GOING TO EMPLOY THE WORD "SACK", AREN'T THEY Liz:  TEAGAN OF COURSE.

[shoutywisdom-blog]

On Kid Cudi and Human Cloning

Teagan: So this movie "Need for Speed" looks terrible But also ...Aaron Paul. And Kid Cudi. ...I may see it. Liz:  TEAGAN NO I HAVE BEEN BURNED BEFORE I HAVE SWORN OFF OF ANY AND ALL RACING MOVIES WHERE PEOPLE SCOWL A LOT AND PRETEND THEY'RE IMPORTANT UNLESS THAT MOVIE IS THE WACKY RACES, HANNA BARBERA MOVIE

Teagan: OKAY FINE I'LL GO WITHOUT YOU AND GAZE UPON KID CUDI'S BEAUTIFUL FACE ALLLLLLL MY MYSELF

Liz:  YOU WILL HATE IT IT WILL RUIN THEM FOR YOU

Teagan:  I WILL HATE KID CUDI'S FACE? NOT POSSIBLE. LOOK AT IT IT'S PERFECT IT IS A PERFECT HUMAN FACE Liz:  THAT WILL NOT MAKE THIS MOVIE ANY BETTER HE'S ALSO EXACTLY WILL SMITH + FIFTY CENT

Teagan:  THAT IS FALSE NEITHER OF THOSE MEN IS THIS ATTRACTIVE

Liz:  NO BUT TOGETHER IMAGINE THEM TOGETHER

Teagan:  I STILL DON'T BUY IT

Liz: HE'S REALLY LIKE IF YOU REPLACED WILL SMITH'S EYES WITH FIFTY CENT'S

*MINUTES LATER*

Liz: *link to a photo in Google+* can you see that?

Teagan:  Yeeess ...Liz what is this I mean it's Will Smith

Liz:  KID CUDDDDIIIII

Teagan:  DID YOU PHOTOSHOP FIFTY CENT EYES ONTO HIM IS THAT WHAT YOU DID

Liz:  TEAGAN I WORKED SO HARD ON THIS

Teagan:  HE LOOKS CREEPY WITH THOSE EYES

Liz:  IT'S CLOSE I'M SO CLOSE TEAGAN THIS IS LIKE CLONING YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A FEW SCREAMING HALF-FETI BEFORE YOU GET ONE VIABLE BABY.

[shoutywisdom-blog]

In Which Liz Summarizes Stephenie Meyer's Creative Process

Liz: ONE TIME I HAD A DREAM ABOUT A VAMPIRE AND A WEREWOLF AND THEY BOTH DIDN'T WEAR SHIRTS AND THEY BOTH WERE INTO ME AND THE VAMPIRE SPARKLES IN THE SUNLIGHT CUZ ALSO I LIKE GLITTER AND WE DIDN'T HAVE SEX UNTIL WE GOT MARRIED BUT WE GOT SEXILY MARRIED AND AFTER WE GOT SEXILY MARRIED WE HAD SEXY SEX TIMES BUT IT WAS TOO SEXY BECAUSE SEX IS EVIL AND SO I GOT REALLY BEAT UP AND ALSO PREGNANT WITH A WEIRD WORM BABY AND IT KILLED ME BUT THAT'S OKAY CUZ NOW I'M A SEXY VAMPIRE AND I ONLY EVER HAD TO CHANGE ONE DIAPER BECAUSE SHE WAS TEN BY THE TIME I FINISHED CHANGING HER. AND MY FRIEND THE WEREWOLF WAS LONELY BUT NOW HE'S NOT BECAUSE HE CAN'T HAVE ME BUT HE CAN TOTALLY HAVE MY WORM BABY WHATEVER IT'S NOT THAT WEIRD IN LIKE THREE MINUTES SHE'LL BE TWENTY-FIVE AND EVERYONE WILL THINK SHE'S COOL BUT NOT AS COOL AS ME CUZ NOW I SPARKLE AND ALSO I AM THE BEST VAMPIRE AND HAVE THE BEST HAIR AND ALSO ALSO ALSO THAT ORIGINAL VAMPIRE STILL THINKS I'M HOT BUT ALSO NOW I CAN READ MINDS OR SOMETHING. WHATEVER I WANT TO DO I CAN DO IT AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME. MORMON AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

[castingcallwoe]

On Wizarding

Se7en with wizards. 

[shoutywisdom-blog]

Teagan: "Se7en with wizards." That's what I want the synopsis of everything to be. Liz: WAITAMINUTE IS IT LIKE, EXACTLY THE SAME AS SE7EN BUT WITH WIZARDS INSERTED IN THE BACKGROUND OF SCENES? BECAUSE I IMAGINE DUMBLEDORE OFF IN THE BACKGROUND OF THAT FIELD Teagan: DEFINITELY IT'S THAT Liz: WHILE BRAD PITT'S ALL "WHAT'S IN THE BOOOOX?" DUMBLEDORE IS ALL "ERRY DAY I'M DUMBLING"

[shoutywisdom-blog]

On Victory, and Ferrets

Liz: Also. Ferrets on steroids. Ferroids. Teagan: FERROIDS LIZ YOU BEAT ME TO IT Liz: Ferroid Bueller's Day Off. Teagan: I WAS LITERALLY JUST TYPING IT Liz: HA I WIN Teagan: Liz. I want us both to take a moment and acknowledge that in our friendship "winning" can be defined as "beating the other person to make a portmanteau about steroidally-enhanced ferrets" Liz: If there's another kind of winning, I don't wanna hear about it.

[shoutywisdom-blog]

On Dragons

Teagan: HALLO I AM RETURNED.

Liz: WELCOME BACK FAIR BEANY

Teagan: WHY THANK YE FAIR LIZBET HOW HAS IT BEEN SINCE I WAS LAST PRESENT?

Liz: WHY MIGHTY LONELY HERE O' THE TOP O' THIS TOWER, FAIR BEAN. BUT NOW ALL IS WELL

Teagan: I AM GLAD THAT ALL IS WELL NOW AND SORRY THAT YE HAVE BEEN LONELY IN THY TOWER

Liz: WELL THERE WAS THAT DRAGON BUT HE'S A TERRIBLE CONVERSATIONALIST AND I THINK SOMEONE STABBED HIM HE HASN'T BEEN AROUND

Teagan: OH DEAR REGINALD ALWAYS WAS SOMETHING OF A LOUT. HE WAS BOUND TO END UP AT THE WRONG END OF A SWORD ONE OF THESE DAYS. YOU CAN ONLY MAKE SO MANY CASUALLY INSULTING COMMENTS ABOUT A KNIGHT'S MOTHER BEFORE HE TAKES OFFENSE, YOU KNOW.

Liz: AND I DID SO LIKE THAT KNIGHT, TOO REGGIE SHOULD HAVE WATCHED HIS TONGUE WE ALL COULD HAVE GOTTEN ALONG SO WELL WITH ALL THE GUEST ROOMS IN THE TOWER AND ALL

Teagan: WE COULD HAVE BEEN PERFECTLY CIVIL WITH ONE ANOTHER BUT NOOOOO REGGIE HAD TO RUN HIS MOUTH

Liz: FRANKLY HE DESERVES WHAT HE GOT GASP I'M SORRY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME I COULDN'T POSSIBLY WISH SO ILL FOR REGGIE.

Teagan: IT'S ALRIGHT. WE'VE ALL HAD THESE THOUGHTS.

Liz: I FEEL SO GUILTY BUT SERIOUSLY, REGGIE HAS NO TACT ...HAD. HE HAD NO TACT. OH GOD, REGGIE WHY!?

Teagan: OH DEAR. IT'S ALRIGHT. IT WILL BE ALRIGHT. POOR REGGIE WAS A DEAR. BUT HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS GETTING HIMSELF INTO.

Liz: SIGH. HE REALLY DID, DIDN'T HE? I SUPPOSE I CAN'T BLAME HIM. IT WAS HIS WAY.

Teagan: IT WAS. AT LEAST HE DIED LIKE HE LIVED. SASSY.

[shoutywisdom-blog]

In Which Teagan Listens to "Bangerz"

Teagan: LIZ THIS NEXT SONG IS LIKE ELECTRO-RAP-HONKYTONK SHE LITERALLY JUST SANG THE LINE "DRIVE SO FAST GONNA PISS ON MYSELF"

Liz: MILEY WHAT NO. Teagan: WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME

Liz: MILEY. MIIIIIIIIIIIILEY. COME ON NO. IS THIS WHAT YOU THINK ADULTS ARE LIKE, MILEY? Teagan: JUST INDISCRIMINATELY PEEING? IS THAT WHAT SOMEBODY TOLD YOU BEING A GROWNUP IS? Liz: I THINK YOU'VE CONFUSED ADULTS WITH FERAL CATS