slipping away

sw 271.2 | gw 200 | ugw 100 cw fat 200s | 26 | tired

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Crazy how hobbies can suck all the time away so there's practically none for eating

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Kinda cool how I've mostly stopped smoking weed and now I have anxiety about eating again 🙃

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I know this is small BUT. I ate my meal and told myself to wait at least 10 minutes before eating anything else (I've been really struggling with automatic binge eating) and now it's 50 minutes later and I haven't eaten more 😌 I keep reminding myself that baby steps forward are still steps forward.

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Day Log, 11/23/2025

'Breakfast': chicken teriyaki rice bowl, dumpling tray (6), soy sauce, sriracha, 2 snickerdoodle cookies

Lunch: 32 garlic ritz 😳

Dinner: Tuna with mayo, sriracha, and soy sauce + seaweed sheets

Dessert: 8 Lindt balls 😳

Takeaway: I really need to watch myself as it gets later, the Lindt was after I had my dinner and smoked more 🍃, so I wasn't really thinking about the consequences. And of course having those cookies was not helpful either, or the entire sleeve of ritz 😓 that was when I was distracted, I need to keep snacks far out of reach while I'm playing games

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Just remembered an old staple food of mine with a new twist: tuna with light mayo, and now sriracha and a bit of soy sauce, wrapped in a small sheet of seaweed. Delicious and filling, lots of protein too! My dinner for tonight ☺️ 42g of protein, and only 320 calories!

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I'm going to start doing daily logs of what I eat on here. It's going to be embarrassing as fuck at first because I'm still binging every day, just not quite as bad as before. But having to put it up where anyone can see might keep me from eating so damn much in the future.

I'm also going to finally start calorie counting again instead of doing bad estimates in my head and giving up once it passes my maintenance.

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To-Do List for Monday, November 24th

Get an oil change. This will let me actually do things on my days off instead of being scared to drive because my oil is low, and I need to before work on Friday anyways

Get everything for Tuesday's thanksgiving dinner I can get a case of coconut lacroix no matter the price if I do

Go to the gym preferably before therapy

Therapy 💖

Make what I can ahead of time tonight for tomorrow saves me a stress headache and lets me focus on hosting instead of cooking all day

Weigh myself very nervous... have been over 280 🤢 lately

IF up to it after all of these aside from #5, go to costco after therapy stock up on monsters and get one box of rice bowls

Bonus Round!

Clean bathroom sink, mirror, toilet - tub is the most optional today

Do all dishes + wash dish rack, clean kitchen counters and stove

Clean litter boxes and take out trash

I'll be checking these off in edits as I go, I'm really hoping breaking it up like this will help me

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Reasons to lose weight

Because I need motivation right now

Fitting into cute lingerie, not worried about them having the right size

Being able to wear all of the cute clothes I own- all those dresses hanging up, waiting to be worn by a body that won't burst their seams

To not feel like a huffing and puffing beast at work, and fit comfortably into all of my work clothes again

To feel sexy again, like I could possibly be desired by someone and not feel repulsed by them having to touch my blubbery body or squeeze my fat

To get rid of my disgustingly large double chin that's been a constant presence for the past four months

To go shopping and leave with clothes that I like instead of leaving feeling terrible about my body after not fitting into anything well

To not feel so exhausted all the time

To not be embarrassed if people take pictures of me

To not be embarrassed trying to take selfies of myself (I don't think I have any from this year except maybe one at the beach)

I'll add more later. But this is a good start. Stop eating so much. Start moving more.

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Do I go to the gym at midnight again? I ate like a fatass today and feel awful, maybe the gym would make me feel better.

Or I could go to sleep now and get up early to go to the gym...

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Nothing says an awful morning like trying to buy all I need to make candies (to test for Christmas) and the store not having all I need so I have a breakdown and put everything back buy nothing and go sit in my car to cry and want to eat so much that I choke to death and am now contemplating getting taco bell to binge on

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283 fucking pounds. Back at the gym for a late night workout. Planning to do this a lot more often. Cause holy fuck.

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Finally dragged my ass to the gym after work today. Finally. Didn't stay long but it was a start.

I passed my HW recently, I'm back below it but fucking hell. I can't believe I let myself get so fucking fat. I'm determined to get smaller. To make myself smaller than I've ever been. I can't stand taking up so much space anymore.

Current goal weight is 230 by the end of the year. That's 4 months to lose 40 pounds. Fucking easy. I just can't be a fat pig anymore. Next goal after that is 220 by Valentine's Day. The smallest I'll have been as an adult.

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Stay on track. You don't need fast food, and you can't afford it- you have too much debt, both financial and in the fat packed onto your body. Stay on track. You don't need a second helping, wait twenty minutes, drink a glass of water. You're only using it as an emotional crutch. Stay. On. Track.

You've never been a healthy weight. Your joints are aching, hurting under the strain of your body while you work. Don't buy the junk food. It's junking up your blood.

You've never felt pretty in your body. Stop binging to make yourself feel better, it's the cause of the problem.

Stop hurting yourself by binge eating. That's all it is. Harming yourself by eating past the comfort point, eating shit that won't even fuel you.

Just stop, and remember. You have a new cat to be there for. Think of her. She deserves an owner who has enough energy to play with her all day because she eats right. Do it for her, if not for yourself.

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Newest goal: make my new concert shirt fit like a dress (size 2x)

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Well well well... if it isn't me coming back to this blog again.

Gonna maybe be more active on here again, so long as I stick to trying to lose weight instead of giving into binging.

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Sunday Check-In!

June 23, 2024

Weight: 242.4

Measurements (inches):

Neck - 14.5

Biceps - L: 16 R: 15.5

Wrists - L: 6.25 R: 6.5

Bust - 47

Waist - 38.5

Hips - 51.5

Thighs - L: 29.5 R: 29

Calves - L: 17 R: 17.5

Ankles - L: 9.5 R: 9.5

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Recently I've gotten down to 226.6 (April 21), so I believe I'll be able to get down to at least below 220 before august 21. However, I'm restarting at 243.6 today.

I know that 200 by that date is a bit of a reach, but I think if I actually stick to eating healthy, not getting fast food, and going to the gym a few times a week I can hit that goal.

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Welp I've still been a fatass these past few weeks so I've changed the goal to November 1st.

My main biggest goal to go along with the weight loss is I'm going to smoke as little weed as possible, starting by me doing a sober July. I might drink a little still but sober from weed lol. That's what makes me binge the most now, when I'm sober my anxiety is generally high enough that I don't feel like binging, or at least not binging a massive amount.

I'm also going to try and go to the gym as much as I can, I have that membership and I need to stop wasting my money on it and put it to good use!

I'm also going to be reintroducing some basic self care, like brushing and flossing my teeth at night again, and keeping my space clean for my mental health.

Really I want to make myself into a better version of myself as I lose weight. Shed the bad habits and shed the pounds. Creating a positive and welcoming space for myself and becoming a better roommate. Building better saving and spending habits so I can live alone next year.