Our relationship feels like a distant memory, something that happened years ago, not months ago. I fought myself trying to convince myself that staying was a good idea, this was just a rough patch... in order to function I dissociated to the point I have few memories of Minot. Most of the time there was unpleasant and we blamed it on the town. Most warning signs were ignored because I saw the good in you, I saw what I wanted to see. We dove into our mental health, I got to know the ugliest parts of you, thinking these were things you had worked on, not things that were going to come rearing their head waging war with the both of us. My mental health is in the same state. When we met I was working on myself, I was present, I had healthy habits, but I had a long way to go. Although our Trauma isn't the same, I've been though hell too, I don't miss the one upper drunk fights about how hard your life has been. Alcohol has been a catalyst for issues, crashing my car, keeping me up late at night when I had to work the next morning because you wanted to talk, and in turn yelling at me about your sleep because sometimes I took up too much of the bed... hitting my insecuries hard and you don't even remember....screaming at your bestfriend so loud that it got the cops called for a domestic disturbance, smashing your head into the microwave, punching the first hole the wall during a fight with me while I was only standing a few feet away (I still wonder if you wanted to take a swing at me), telling me that I should tell you when you have had enough alcohol, and then another hole in the wall fighting with your mom. Having multiple in depth conversations about how you were scaring me and I couldn't continue like this... first conversation you rolled your eyes at me asking why we had to have this conversation after you drank because we never had this conversation when I drank.... second conversation ended with us saying we were going to both take a break from drinking... just to come home to you drinking a 5th of black velvet and starting a fight.. asking you if you were just telling me what I wanted to hear... and you telling me my concern and judgement didn't sound like it was my idea.. it was my best friend putting those thoughts in my head.. believing if we had enough weed you wouldn't drink so much because you hate being sober....and then taking my car without a license after a fight about me sleeping, and bringing absolute strangers into our apartment without a care in the world about if they were okay people to be around.. and then trashing the apartment because I didn't come home and you lost your job. That phone call we had was so hard man. Screaming at me that everything was my fault, and that you would never give up on me like I gave up on you.... coming home to the oven destroyed, the ac running on high, some of my things destroyed, the door unlocked.. I broke down, shocked you would do that to me.. being pushed to the point of making a report and looking into a restraining order....and I've now let every unhealthy coping mechanism take over. I rarely think of you because it leaves me in a state of dispare that I can't stop crying. My co dependency has tried to make me latch onto another person because I liked being in the moment with them. I'm fighting my own demons so hard because I don't want to drown. We were two mentally unhealthy people trying to make it work when we need to work on ourselves. So much emotion to unpack and work though.. I can't let you come back.. this was too far. Regardless if you think we actually could, I don't want to.
origamiaround
areudirty
ellievsbear
amandla
yousharknotpass
2087