My Melancholia

[sickintheunderbelly-blog]

2:36AM

Wake up just before midnight. Feed the cats. Charge the juul. Sit on the couch and drink stale Monster. Boot up Melancholia playlist. Sit in my sticky sleep filth  until the right song comes on and go shower. 

Laugh. Dance. Cry in the shower. Think about a blackout tattoo. Mulling over snapshots of plans. How do I dress it up as art? Have depression with su1c1dal ideation, but you know, live it like the piece of beautiful, fucking art that you are.

I am constantly reminded of what I am not, and it hurts. Why is it so hard to be enough? They see me as broken; she does. I am a heavy weight. I am so heavy and I can feel it. I am heavier every day. Every day, I am more and more of less and less. Just keep going, until I am so heavy I cannot shift the weight. 

[sickintheunderbelly-blog]

3/27/21

Another shitty day alive. Wake up to cat crying. Feed the cat. Go back to sleep. It is already 2pm. Wake up again at 4pm. OK. I have to get up. If I do not take my pills now, things will only get worse.

Find my vape. Deep inhale to feel it hit my bloodstream. OK. Now I guess I can get up. Go find my half-empty can of Monster (sugar free of course) from yesterday. Got it. Onto the pills. Take everything as I should because yesterday’s idea to skip out on 75mg of my 225mg daily venlafaxine was/is probably not the best idea; it’s ok, I ended up not skipping the 1/3 of my dose I initially planned.

Great, now I can sit on the couch as usual. Time to boot up Sea of Solitude for another round of fighting off inner demons. I’ll continue my breakfast of Monster until my stomach growls so loud that I give in and drink some oatmilk; that usually helps fight it off a little longer. I feel thinner today. That’s good. Watch me shrink, shrink – watch me fade, fade! Good rendition, I think.

At least I’m writing now. I keep thinking, writing it all down, maybe will help, make me feel better, or at the very least, serve as a log for what I’m eating, when I’m sleeping, how I’m feeling. Then, maybe I can figure it all out. Yes, I will write down what I’m doing and when and then, I’ll crack the code to my endless depth of utter doom.