[signetcygnet]

dreamed about my friend last night. still loved him in the dream. still couldn't tell him in the dream :(

[signetcygnet]

i was at the cafe on my day off waiting for my laundry to be done across the street. this guy came in and my coworker asked him how he was doing. we all misheard him reply, "every day's getting harder," but he really said, "my day's just getting started." which made us all laugh really hard. FELT THAT

[signetcygnet]

feeling so frustrated with my life. i have so much inside me that doesn't come out and i worry that it's too late for me. when i was growing up i thought i'd get a phd in some esoteric field or become a cutting-edge choreographer or artist or... etc etc etc

now i have nothing and i am nothing and sometimes that means freedom but it also sometimes feels like it means i have no future. i am so passionate but i have no pursuits. i am so scared by this. i want to get a real education but i'm almost 28 years old

i know i got a late start and i lost a lot of time but the years i've spent incubating and cultivating myself haven't been for naught. i think i have a lot of integrity and a really strong point of view and a unique sensibility. but... i don't know... sometimes it all hits me like a tidal wave. very sad

[signetcygnet]

tomorrow is my day off and i'm going to try to write about the new chanel beads album. i gave a verbal review to my other coworker a few days ago and she challenged me to write a real review. i rarely reach for the written word as a form of expression outside of tumblr posts or emails to my mom. i interact with the world as a passionate critic so i think it would be good for me to start to do something with that besides just taking things in and metabolizing them via critical interior monologue or verbal discussions

[signetcygnet]

new coworker got upset with me over a simple misunderstanding today in front of our customers and wanted to do "conflict resolution" in the middle of a morning rush. okay. just as i thought it was getting better between us lol

we did eventually work through it after working all day in silence but then they implied that something shady was happening because i didn't tell them that boss made me the manager and put me in charge while she was away. i haven't seen them since she made it official so idk what they want. sorry the boss didn't send an email announcing it but that's her prerogative. now they know. miscommunication

it was scrambled from the jump because i was 10 minutes late because i forgot to set an alarm and i usually like to show up 10 mins early. awful shift

[signetcygnet]

one of my regulars was finally telling me about his current research project (will culminate in an article in a journal, and maybe will be expanded into a book) and hooooooly shit i could have talked to him about this all day but i "had" to get back to "work" 🙄

[signetcygnet]

yes. and yes

[signetcygnet]

sorry but this is what was going on with my friend and me when i first moved here

[signetcygnet]

this cannot be for real

[signetcygnet]

i rewatched 20th century women and remembered why it took me so long to rewatch it. i know it too well. it was filmed in my hometown and the director went to high school with my parents. santa barbara, 1979. it feels so familiar. almost like i remember it. i watch it and know exactly where every scene was filmed. it looks like every picture i've ever seen of my parents' adolescence. i recognize it viscerally because my life carries the remainders of theirs #myfalsememories

[signetcygnet]

and because of this recognition....... i cried in every single scene

[signetcygnet]

dried blood in the sleeve of my new cat 'o nine tails vinyl. that's how you know it's certified authentica

[signetcygnet]

i rewatched 20th century women and remembered why it took me so long to rewatch it. i know it too well. it was filmed in my hometown and the director went to high school with my parents. santa barbara, 1979. it feels so familiar. almost like i remember it. i watch it and know exactly where every scene was filmed. it looks like every picture i've ever seen of my parents' adolescence. i recognize it viscerally because my life carries the remainders of theirs #myfalsememories

[signetcygnet]

i feel like anyone who "reads" my main blog could discern that i have a keen interest in perversion and erotic love but that can only be understood in the context that i only live this intellectually and in fact have been celibate for the last several years (/my whole life depending on how you look at it). i've seemingly latched onto this academic interest as a replacement for "the real thing." anyway this is my insane reading list:

currently working through gender without identity. sexuality beyond consent is up next, and then i really want to read hatred of sex. finished arousal by michael bader earlier this summer which was very clarifying

[signetcygnet]

something about an aging millennial 😍

[signetcygnet]

bar my roommate and his gf took me to the other night to play pool

[signetcygnet]

we're closing the cafe early today and boss is taking us to the beach. i think she's gonna bring the surfboard. we're gonna set up near the burger shack and she's gonna buy us lunch. yayy

[signetcygnet]

overwhelming gratitude for my recovery as i eat my gorgeous chile relleno burrito alone in the park on this warm summer evening