Silently Spilled Thoughts

Sometimes my mind is too harsh to be contained and needs to be written

[silently--spilled--thoughts]

I swallowed a bug :(

[lemonscribs]

Pride sharks! Happy pride month :D more super cute pride flags themed sharks coming soon 👀

[silently--spilled--thoughts]

I'm half convinced the universe is conspiring against me at this point.

[silently--spilled--thoughts]

Why does everything keep getting worse?

[silently--spilled--thoughts]

The knowledge that they continue to talk without me like I never existed or even mattered stings. I didn't even like them much, but it still hurts. It's like a thorn prickling my heart, spending a spark of pain each time I remember.

I hope I forget soon.

[silently--spilled--thoughts]

I tried to challenge my social anxiety and social awkwardness by engaging more in a fandom space, and I was literally punished for it. What kind of cosmic irony is that?

[silently--spilled--thoughts]

I was right. I wasn't safe or welcome there, and I was thrown out.

I'm alone again.

It hurts.

[silently--spilled--thoughts]

I fucking hate dogs

[thepersonalquotes]

[perfectquote]

“Who the hell said you no longer had it in you?”

— Charles Bukowski

[silently--spilled--thoughts]

I think I prefer being alone, I've never felt more lonely than when I'm surrounded by people. There's no one to disappoint you when you're alone, no one to ignore you. No one to weigh you down with their negative opinions.

Solitude is freedom.

[silently--spilled--thoughts]

I joined an extremely small ship-specific fandom server a while ago with a few other people, and two of them have clearly been by themselves for so long that they are an exclusive club at this point, and I very much feel like the unwelcome third wheel. I try to join their less specific conversations, ones I think I could jump into, but the third wheel feeling, coupled with my tendency to overthink that leads me to spiral into anxiety and, more often than not, sike myself out and convince myself not to instead, so it's a small miracle anytime I manage to do so.

Unfortunately, any successful communication only makes it clear that my thoughts and opinions would be unwelcome, as they are utterly contrary to what the pair of them believe or think, and it makes me less willing to share them because there is an overwhelming feeling that I am not safe doing so. That I will be rejected and scorned, or, arguably worse, ignored entirely.

I am deeply aware that I should just leave the server to preserve my mental health, but then I'd truly be alone.

Perhaps that's for the best.

[silently--spilled--thoughts]

I tried, I am trying, tell people I play nicely with others, but jesus christ why is it so goddamn hard to talk to people? I say something and get nothing in return, or some half-assed response that radiates they'd rather be talking to anyone else but I'll do since theres nothing better, but someone else says anything and its like they've personally delivered the nector of the gods.

Am I just boring, is that it? Does something in my text just rub people the wrong way? Is it some sixth sense that says: "wow, fuck that bitch!"

Fuck, I wish I could have a conversation with someone that actually shared my interests, that didn't make me angry, and anxious, and unheard.

"It's good to meet and talk to people with different views than yours!" NAH!!! Miss me with that shit! I want someone who understands! I wanna talk with someone I can build something with, that gets me excited to put hand to keyboard and fucking work and craft something glorious!

But no, I don't have anyone like that, I am stuck, and I have no one to even share these feelings with, because they don't understand that this minor petty shit bothers me! And they'll just make me feel worse, and wish I hadn't spoken in the first place, and the thing I loved and took solace in will be forever tainted.

Its been a bad mental health day.

[silently--spilled--thoughts]

The Easter Bunny has brought me emotional pain and social isolation for Easter. Thanks Easter Bunny!