Inner Thoughts and Feelings(1)
Aye. I am an eighteen year old female[Questionable]. My name and appearence are irrelevant, you do not need to know either one. I tend to keep everything inside. I tend to pick and choose what feelings and emotions I show people. That’s for everyone…well, except for one person. But his name and identity is irrelevant as well. Anyways, I’ve been told two very different things growing up. One if them is by my Mother and Step dad, which is to never let yourself get attached to anyone. To not open up and let anyone in. The other thing was told by everyone else, which was the exact opposite. To open up, let people in, and talk about my feelings. Of course, I did the opposite of what my parents told me. What kid doesn’t? I got attached to everyone, I was an open book, my emotions and feelings were very out there. And everything went downhill. Bullied, verbally and physically. Sexual abuse. Abandonment. Loss. Liars. Cheaters. Fakes. Players. All of the “fun” stuff. With all of that, I closed up, I became colder little by little. I started acting out, not giving a fuck bout who would get hurt in the progress. And honestly, the whole time, I knew I was only hurting my self…and maybe my parents. I think that’s why I kept doing it. I wanted to hurt them and myself. I grew to despise them, because they were right. They were right and I wanted them to be wrong. Pathetic reason to despise someone, I know. But…if I could make it where you could see from my view, you would understand the anger and resentment. Anyways, after all of that, I eventually became cold, distant, and reckless. I kept everything inside. I was, and still am, a silent ticking bomb. But now, I’m not really reckless anymore. I observe. I focus on pleasing other people, even if that’s going against what I want. I say I don’t mind and that I don’t care, but I do. I just don’t acknowledge it. Plain and simple. Honestly, it’s just easier to do/say what people want me to do/say. Less of a hassle. I know that sounds lazy in a way, but hey, It’s just how it is. And it’s really not as bad as people say it is. It’s kinda like when your parents are yelling at you and you just use your self control to swallow back everything you wanna say to them cause you know it’s not gonna do you any good. Easy right? Sometimes. So, it’s kinda similar to that, except it’s on a daily bases 24/7. I can see why it would seem impossible to do it for that long, but you get use to it. It’s like a second skin. It comes naturally. Ah, well it was nice getting that out. Hope you enjoyed. I gotta try to “sleep” now.
Until the next moon~