How does it still hurt so much??
Another few years gone by and up pops a friend request through Facebook. Not my personal account that I've had for years prior, my work account. So hopeful and naive me thought maybe this is them reaching out, so I sent a message via my personal account and it's nearly two months later and they've not even read it. Like.... wtaf?!
It's been rattling around my head everyday since and I'm here suppressing it and using work and life as a distraction but going to bed, struggling to fall asleep or stay asleep as it's always there; the thought of not being enough.
Not a good enough daughter to be reached out too, to finally have a conversation and maybe start rebuilding a healthy relationship. Will that ever actually happen?
Estranging from your parents as an adult is fucking heartbreaking but I tell myself I did it for all the best reasons for me. To them be told by a family member that they were told it was all my doing... That I just moved out and don't talk to them anymore. Nothing mentioned about the years of the absolute shitshow we all went through. Not the emotional abuse or the transactions of love and affection that had to be earned.
Not the story that I was given the ultimatum and it's all my fault that everyone's in a bad mood. That I'm the cause of the depression in this house. Surely I couldn't be depressed or have anxiety because I had clothes on my back and food available to have. Other kids have it so much harder than I did. That was always the argument.
Therapy wasn't an option cause what we even say? But was promised that it would happen... Still waiting on that one.
My self harming episode was used in arguments to remind me that I was weak and couldn't cope with normal problems. Not the reality of a 15 year old child crying out for help.
My head is a whirlwind of problems right now and I don't know where to begin to try and solve it to get back on track and feel like me again. Problems I can't let go. Just constantly there.
-simply just trying to get through another day of feeling broken
