he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
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@sinagt4la
Hola, Welcome to my vague world
This is a messy account. It contains stories, prompts, rants (?) and random thoughts and scenes.
my works :
https://sinagt4la.tumblr.com/post/668808042307010560/my-works-3-my-ongoing-stories-are-cosmos-series
Must read:
https://sinagt4la.tumblr.com/post/668808334805204992/warning-must-read-the-stories-are-just-pure
about me:
https://sinagt4la.tumblr.com/post/668809265305255936/a-random-facts-about-me-hi-this-is-jela
MMIA
Meet me in Amsterdam
disclaimer: another scene from the story. The story is not complete and it’s just prompt for now. I posted a scene before. (2)
Were having a mini celebration together with my wedding team and decided to go for a drink here in a famous Korean store.
At first Amabella looks awkward– I mean she is all the time but it feels different now.
“Bella, dba favorite mo ‘to? Samgyup!!” her co team shouted since she’s from the other side of the table. But Amabella didn't answer, instead she just nodded and smiled.
I went back and seated next to her and asked
“ It's your favorite, aren't you happy?” she moved a little palayo sa akin, uhmm am i too close? Well I guess so. I pour my drink and hers too.
I saw her enjoying her company. I moved to the other side of the table for her not to distance herself and not to feel awkward. And it worked. I have never seen her smiling widely like this since we first met– oh is it our first time meeting?
She’s really quite familiar but I can't really remember, maybe we did when I was still in the Philippines.
I didn't drink too much because I still have a bunch of work tomorrow. I'm still a nag iipon for my wifes and i’s future. Still, I enjoy seeing them drink till they drop makes me happy. I enjoyed eating this korean beef and drinking soju, i have high tolerance and i guess bella doesn't, she already singing i dont know its a ben and ben song
“Mahiwaga, pipiliin ka sa araw araw–” she continued singing, the others were already asleep and some of them were getting ready to go home. I keep hiding my smile because of her cuteness can't deny that.. For sure.
Hanggang sa kami na lang dalawa ang natira. I went to her and guided her to stand up but I was stunned when I saw her crying.
“ Look at me, what happened? Hmmm?” she looked at my face like she was familiarizing it, like the first time we met. She looked at me, like I felt an animal zoo in my stomach that made me want to shout.
“Shhh, sorry okay? Kung ano man ang kasalanan ko, sorry bella.”
She hugged my nape and as much as possible i don't want to hug her back. She lost her balance and ended up catching her and holding her waist.
I made her sit on the chair again and she’s bowling in tears.
“ jo” i looked at her and felt a pain in my chest.
“Jo?” I asked and she answered “hmm?”
“Sorry” i whispered, i don't know what she’s talking about but maybe it’s her ex the she’s talking abo–
“Hindi mo ba talaga ako maalala, Jo?” she whispered like she was begging me to remember her “ si bella ‘to, ang sabi mo–,” she sobbed hardly fighting to breathe normally “sabi mo ako ang papakasalan mo,” she hit my shoulders without energy “alam mo!” she shouted
“Alam mong paborito ko yung tulips...bakit tulips, tangina Jo” she cried hard with her soul coming out.
“Sorry, hindi ko alam Bella”
“Alam ko, Jo. Alam ko. Hindi mo alam kasi hindi mo nga ako maalala diba?”
Lips of an Angel
Where they’re in a relationship for 4 years when Patricia found out that Issac still loves his ex, which is the girl next door, their neighbor. His first and greatest love.
“ Do you sometimes wish she was me?”
“I’m sorry I guess I really never moved on”
Huling Sandali
A manila encountered a university story.
Where Sebastian the happy go lucky guy who loves motorbike races unexpectedly met Seia the girl who has messed up life.
I saw her standing on the bridge where I always go. I heard her crying wanting to end everything.
“ I want to escape and run away from this, will you go with me?”
“kung saan ka, sasamahan kita”
Random scene 03
Ang pagwawakas. Paglimot, pagtanggap.
I walked slowly towards the entrance of the cafe when I saw him sitting on the chair patiently waiting. When he saw me, he welcomed me with a sweet smile.
He guided me and I sat down, he already ordered for us. He ordered a dark chocolate smoothie, my favorite. He just knows me too well.
We talk about anything, his anime series, my wattpad stories and any topic that we think as we go on.
“ You must watch Attack on titan, it’s very good” he suggested. Talking more about the series, how good the characters are, how amazing the titans and cinematography just to convince me more. I just nodded and nodded, smiling at him.
“ I will try, John Paul. since I've been busy these days. I don’t have time for that, but don’t worry I will ``I gave him an assuring smile.
“Anyways, where is it?” he suddenly asked.
Kinuha ko ang isang rolled paper. An invitation.
“pumunta ka ha” I’m really expecting him to come on my wedding day.
“Ikakasal kana…,” he accepted the invitation, opening it “bab…. Ikakasal kana” but then he looked at me.
I looked back at him. I’m expecting to feel his presence of love like a while ago and like i always feel. But this time as i looked at his eyes directly trying to feel something but as it went deep, I felt nothing.
suddenly my phone rang, it’s Ethan my fiancé. he looked at my phone signaling me to answer it. I will excuse myself.
After a while i came back, “ aalis na ako. I have errands pa. Punta ka ha”
“ oo malakas ka sakin eh” then he smiled. again, but this time painfully.
“ Akala ko pag balik ko, pwede pa. Ang sabi mo hihintayin mo ako.”
Random scene 02
Valentines edition.
Happy hearts day to everyone. Lets love and love well !! <3
Valentine’s Day, it’s our fourth time celebrating valentines together, Jay and I. Somehow, I think it’s gonna be our last.
“Isang araw nalang, kahit ngayon lang tangi” I begged him. For the last time, I want to feel his love for me. Lastly, I want to have a happy heart this valentine's day.
He just looked at me, tempting to answer. I hold his hand nodding like asking him more. He closed his eyes for a second before nodding.
“Happy…valentines t-tangi” I quietly said as I held my tears back, still holding his hand.
Hinila niya ang kamay ko yakap sa kanya. Gently patting my head. “Shh, nandito ako ngayon. Hindi na sa palagi pero nandito ako ngayon.” he assured.
We went to the grocery market to buy ingredients like we always do. He’s in charge of cooking because he’s the best cook between us.
We chose pasta and steak this time. At habang nasa counter ako ang sabi nya ay may nakalimutan syang bilhin. Tumango ako sa kanya at hinihintay sya. Nakapag bayad nako pero hindi parin sya bumabalik. He texted me at ang sabi nya ay pumunta nako sa parking at doon na lang kami magkita.
As I pushed the cart I saw him standing beside the car carrying a bouquet of red roses. I can’t help but to tear up as I walk slowly towards him.
He smiles at me genuinely. Mahal ko ‘to.
I left the cart and started running, he opened his arms welcoming me in a hug. I hugged him tight as he smells my hair and whispered,
“Happy valentines, tinatangi”
We went home and prepared the ingredients, umupo ako sa may table habang nakatalikod sya saakin. I can’t help thinking that this is gonna be the last. The last for the both of us.
I went to him and hugged him from his back. I can’t help but to cry. I cried quietly as he continued what he was doing. I just stayed there and hugged him tight. When he’s finished humarap sya sa akin at hinalikan ang noo ko. He held my hand and guided me to the table and fixed the chair for me. Umupo lang ako habang hinahanda nya ang mga pagkain.
He smiled at me habang hinahati nya ang steak, and when he’s finished he exchanged our plates. We eat silently and talk about things like how our day went, did we enjoy our day and so much more.
Kinuha ko ang polaroid camera ko and took some pictures of us. I took a picture without him knowing. I Went to him and sat on his lap as I hugged him again.
After eating he gets his things and puts them in his bag. I sat down on his side and helped him pack his things. Tinupi ko ang mga damit nya at nakita ko ang sweater nya, my favorite that I used to always wear. I sobbed again as I watched him put everything. I noticed that he left his perfume. I looked at him with a confused face and he just smiled at me and nodded.
When we’re done washing up and preparing to sleep. I fixed our bed and lay down.
I put my head on his chest and he wrapped his arms on my waist. He’s patting my head as he sings a song for me, for me to sleep. And I did.
But after a while, nagising ako but I didn’t open my eyes. I heard him crying, and felt his hand, he had to cover his mouth to prevent making a noise. Para siguro hindi ako magising. He sobbed quietly, repeatedly saying sorry and i love you’s to me. He had to lower his voice and cry more.
“Paalam, Sa naging pagmamahalan
Paalam, Sa mga pangako ng naiwan
Paalam.”
Random scene 01
Drunk call 📞
it’s 11 in the midnight and I’m about to sleep when someone calls me. It’s her, Mia again. In the whole week this is the third time she’s called me.
I answered it with no response, I didn’t greet her “hello” because i know i will not receive proper replies from her. Pure sobs with a chaotic background.
“hindi ko talaga alam, hindi ko alam bakit ka tumigil,” tumigil. oo tumigil ako. She was my MU for 6 months and I’m starting to court her last month but i stopped.
“Handa na ako Tan…,” she sobbed inhaling deeply “ handa na ‘kong sumugal”
Alam ko. Alam ko Mia. And i hate the fact na alam ko. Sa Aming dalawa ako yung duwag at hindi sya.
“ sa ating dalawa, tan ikaw ang hindi sigurado”
that’s what she thought, kasi sa aming dalawa ako ang laging sigurado, hinihintay ko nalang na sabihin nya sakin na handa na sya at heto nayon nasabi na nya. I don’t know what to feel actually it’s sweet, Mia, the gesture of yours….
Real sweet but i wish you were sober
PHASE
Another phase just ended my (never ending) cycle.
Coping Mechanisms.
One of my coping mechanisms is ghosting.
Not romantically speaking, but yeah let’s add that but when i say ghosting what I mean is everyone, everything. It’s just me and my thoughts.
There’s one thing that helps me to connect my thoughts to my emotions. Watching the sky peacefully. Watching those innocent birds flying, free to do anything they want. Watching the sun about to set as it bids for goodbye.
I don’t know why it's sunset. Sunset signifies the end, they said. Paglubog at pagbitaw. Sunset somehow comforts me. Sun will rest for a while and be better for the next day. Another tomorrow.
Inner world
The alternative ending
🖇 this is the original plot/ending of inner world. Contains pure scenes and pov of each character. Read the “inner world” first for you to understand this one.
🖇 TW: ❗️mention of deaths and contains heavy curses.
Haliya
Tomorrow is the day that I will go to the US. I’m planning to call Uno first but since we already ended what we have, even our connections and communications, I think mas mahirap pa tawagan sya kesa sa mag paalam sa kanya. We already bid our goodbyes to each other and I think that was enough.
I stayed in the US and even got shocked because i have sister out of nowhere? I studied here and make new friends, at first it was hard for me to adjust. I have my gloomy and out of light days and there’s no one who will comfort me except myself, well that’s what I thought, that’s the time when i met Kio. Yukio Madrigal.
He’s not my classmate or schoolmate, his parents are friends with my (parents) dad. Pero palagi ko siyang nakikita sa school. Ewan kung bakit.
It’s been months and even a year since I lost contact with him.
I opened my laptop to check my emails, when I saw an email from him.
A letter from my heart. This is a scheduled email.
5 years from now, tayo parin kaya?
I’m sure na tayo parin, kasi alam ko kaya natin. May tiwala ako satin. Mahal kita eh, I don’t want you to question my love for you pero ang alam ko mahal kita, and I can't stand a day without you. Sana wag ka magsawa sa araw araw na pangungulit ko sayo. Sana hindi ka mag sawa.
Happy First Anniversary to us! Let’s celebrate after our exams. Let’s filled our hearts with pure love. More years till we reach our dreams together, sana kasama ako sa mga pangarap mo, kasi ikaw kasama ka dahil ikaw haliya, ang pangarap ko.
I want you to know that i will stay here by your side, will sing for you just to comfort you. Will hug you all day for you just to feel my presence. Araw araw kong ipapaalala sayo, Langga, hindi ka nag iisa. Nandito ako, palagi sa araw araw, sa bukas, sa susunod at sa habang buhay. I love you, my dream.
So who’s gonna tell him, na siya, siya ang unang sumuko.
Tama siya ang unang sumuko, hindi lang sa amin kun’di sa buhay rin.
Mag gagabi na ng maka receive ako ng message galing sa mama ni Uno. Ang akala ko ay magandang balita dahil isang taon narin.
Tita mhel: nak, si uno,
Tita mhel: wala na si uno.
Nag panic agad ako nung una ay Hindi ko maintindihan kaya agad ko syang tinawagan. Pagkasagot ko ng tawag puro iyak lang ang narinig ko.
“Tita si uno po nasaan… si.. uno.. nasa..an”
Pagmakakaawa ko. Hindi pwedeng hindi pwede na tama ang hinala ko. Hindi pwede.
“Please, answer..me.. i .. beg you,” hirap ko na sabi wala akong narinig mula sa kabilang linya. Kung hindi puro iyak.
“Uwian mo sya anak.. kahit ngayon lang” sabi ng mama nya. Kahit hindi niya sabihin ay uuwi talaga ako.
Buong gabi ko iniisip nagdadasal na sana hindi. Sana niloloko lang nila ako. Sana rason lang nila ‘yon para umuwi ako. Sana si Uno mayakap ko pa sya.
Pumasok si dad sa kwarto dala dala yung passport ko at ibang papeles.
“bukas, 5 am” simpling sabi nya at lumuhod sa harap ko. Parehas na kaming nakaluhod. Pinunasan nya ang mga luha ko at niyakap ako.
“Shhh…uno did well” bulong nya.
Anong oras na ng makarating ako sa pinas. Hindi nako nagpahinga pa sa hotel kahit buong araw akong nasa byahe. Agad kong pinuntahan ang bahay nila uno.
As I reach their house. A lot of people are mumbling and some of them are crying. I saw stand lights and flowers on the door. I saw people wearing white and black shirts. I’m shaking while walking, and his mom welcomed me with a painful hug. I can barely continue to enter the house.
Pagpasok ko, i saw a frame. His picture. He smile so beautifully.
As I walk, I’m trembling. I can't control my sobs. I fucking want to scream and blame everyone why the fuck this happened.
Pagpapakita ko sa kabaong, there, i saw him peacefully sleeping like he’s been waiting for that. He doesn’t seem tired, hindi katulad nung huli ko syang nakita.
I cried loudly not minding anyone inside the house. My words are scrambled and I can't even speak properly.
“Supremo ko, wala na yung nag iisa ko” malakas kong sabi. Lumuhod ako habang yakap yakap ang kabaong nya. Hindi ko alam kung magagalit ba ako sa kanya. Kasi baket, ang sabi ko maging masaya, maging malaya sya pero hindi sa ganitong paraan. Patuloy ang pag iyak ko, ni hindi ko namalayan na nawalan na pala ako ng malay.
Pag gising ko, pamilyar na amoy ang naamoy ko, si uno. Binuksan ko ang mata ko at napagtanto ko na nasa kwarto na pala nya ako. Ramdam na ramdam ko pa rin ang presensya nya kahit wala na… wala na si uno.
Niyakap ko ang unan at amoy na amoy ko parin sya.
“Langga bakit?” Mahinang bulong ko. Humarap ako sa lamesa ng may makita akong papel sa may harapan ng isang painting na imahe na kaming dalawa.
“Ang pangarap kong haliya…..”
Supremo “uno”
Ilang taon na pala. Ilang taon na akong naka kulong dito sa bahay. Umuwi ako dito sa amin dahil parang hindi ko kaya mag stay sa condo ko. Ilang araw na akong ganito, hindi kumakain sa oras walang tulog, magulo, makalat. Hindi ko alam kung ano pa pwede kong gawin para makalimot.
Ang hirap isipin na ang dalawa kong pakpak ay nawala. Sila lang dalawa ang dahilan bat ako araw araw na umaangat.
Hindi ko alam kung magsisisi bako na pinaalis ko si haliya o hindi. Sobrang hirap niyang bitawan, pero hindi ko alam paano ko nakayanan yon.
—
Past midnight when my phone rang, it’s our anniversary. I want to greet her but it feels so wrong because who am i to greet her as if we’re okay. All the pain I’ve been keeping came back.
—
“Tangina uno, ano pati ba naman dito palpak ka?” my mom shouted i can feel her anger towards me. gusto nya ng doctor sa pamilya too bad my brother didn’t make so here i am.
Sinusubukan ko naman, hindi ko ginusto ‘to. Pero kailangan.
Tomorrow is another exam, and I need to study. I need to ace the exams again or else mom will get mad again.
tangina the pressure. the pain and everything suffocating me. makes me want run away and escape everything. I feel like I'm not living anymore. Years ago was my downfall.
Ayoko na, tama na siguro ‘yon. Pagod nako ipaglaban ang kawalan. I don’t know why am i still living well in fact i am nowhere to found. I take everything the pills i have but before drinking it. I apologize to everyone for leaving you all behind. Pasensya na at hindi ko na kaya.
As I lose my conscience, my tears keep falling, remembering haliya in her white dress as she walks towards me. I am happy and content. I am free.
“Ang Pangarap kong haliya,
Mahal kita. Im sorry.
I'm sorry for not having a guts to fight for you, mahal kasi walang wala ako. Pakiramdam ko talo na ‘ko. I’m sorry for leaving you again, but this time I assure you that I will not come back anymore.
As i close my eyes, i saw you ga. I saw how happy you are as you achieved your goals, alam kong kaya mo. Hindi mo na kailangan ng hawak ko. Kasi kaya mo.
Thank you for keeping my hand warm as I face my cold days. I will go to the place where there’s no pain and everything. Where I will become free.
Sa susunod Langga, ikaw parin ang pangarap ko.
Pinakauna, uno.”
will update today. just wait in a few
hi, good evening. I will drop my works slowly, will post the “inner world” alternative ending and some prompts (?) I don’t have the exact time but i will surely drop it tomorrow or the other day. see u all <3
I have bunch of random scenes on my notes ! should i post it or maybe not ?
its been actually a month since my last ud :(( I miss sol and night alr huhu
forgot to greet you all a happy valentines! <3 i have something for you soon. A random scene ; valentines edition :)
Hello,
Since i am inactive these days, im planning to stop writing for the meantime. I will onhold my ongoing story (ies) I don’t know what made me stop writing it’s just i feel like i have no time to continue it and I can’t continue with no interest. I tried writing a while ago but it seems i cant find any emotions through my words, maybe it’s a sign for me to stop.
I’m not closing this account so we can catch up updates, I don’t know when to comeback but i hope sooner or later i will.
I’m sorry for leaving you all (again) just like the old times, i will comeback to be better version of me. Stay safe and don’t catch cold. Love u all < 3
hello po ??? knock knock hehehe nd p aq mag uupdate 😭😭 i hope y’all are doing well. stay safe my stars < 3
Stop accusing other people sa hindi naman nila ginawa. Stop being close minded you all, grow up already. Grabe 2022 na mga beh. leave ni-ki (and his mom) alone.