Ramblings of a Single Lonely Guy

I write because tears just aren't salty enough

[singlewhitemale27-blog]

Bedtime

The worst time to realize you’re alone is when you go to bed. You can put as many pillows as you want in the empty space beside you, but in no way do they ever feel real. At least not to me they don’t.

I feel awkward pretending that a girl is in bed with me just to feel better. It’s always been one of those things where I’ll choose a girl I know, realize it’s kind of creepy and stop. If a chick that liked me did the same thing, I’d def find that girl to be a bit odd. Famous people I shy away with too-- no need to be the 100th person wanting to have sex with Taylor Swift.

She is, after all, my future ex wife, but that’s an old joke for when I wanted to be famous because I thought my writings would get me somewhere.

Trying to focus on the good never works either, the bad tends to consistently creep up and remind me that “Hey- your life is kind of shitty. Why are you even alive?” Depression and anxiety aren’t exactly fun things to deal with.

And yet, I feel like I have no choice but to envision a timeline in which somehow I win the lottery and I’m able to win over Caty not because of money but because she likes me for me. Cue old 90s song.

The reality of it is that I have no idea what I want in life anymore. I don’t want to feel alone, but my chances of finding a girl is slim. I don’t want to be stuck in this dead end job, but I also don’t want to go into journalism anymore because of what it’s become. I don’t have the money or desire to start my own business, especially not one in an area I have interest in.

Which means every night when I go to sleep, I’m reminded of all the bad things in life. Tomorrow is just another day at a job I don’t care much for, only to come back to an empty apartment that I don’t want to stay in. It’s like I’m a lame duck, just waiting to be done in office.

I’m hoping these posts bring back some focus and drive for me though. It sure would be nice to feel that drive again.

[singlewhitemale27-blog]

All Apologies

I don’t get the apology thing. A constant apology for things you have no control over. It feels like people keep blaming themselves for other people’s misfortunes when that happens.

Yesterday my manager, Dee, asked me about the chick I’ve had a thing for for months, Kelly. It’s kind of obvious if you look at it from afar. I had mentioned to Dee that I had a work crush, a few actually, about a month ago. But it was only now that she asked if Kelly was my work crush.

She was my crush, not just a work crush. A work crush you don’t go after. I was trying to talk to her. It just didn’t happen. We didn’t connect. Come to find out, Kelly has had a boyfriend this whole time anyways. She’s never once mentioned a boyfriend, unlike this new girl- Caty. But we’ll get back to that.

Telling Dee my situation of trying and getting no where, and eventually mostly giving up (because guys rarely give up 100% of the time if the girl is attractive enough) she started apologizing. It’s not like it was her fault, after all. It’s life. Especially for me, it’s the story of my life.

Back to Caty now. She reminds me of my ex Izzy too much. If she told me she was related, I’d believe it. I totally have a thing for her, but I have to let it go. And in doing so, it feels really weird. Months of trying for a girl who was taken, and now there’s nothing there.

The nights get a little lonelier. Realizing there’s no one out there thinking of you. Hoping that maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will be the day you meet someone so you don’t feel alone anymore.

Well, here’s to tomorrow. Sorry if this was too long.

[singlewhitemale27-blog]

Five Years

You ever meet someone new, find yourself oddly attracted to them, and can’t figure out why? And then boom. You realize it’s because she reminds you of the same girl who you fell in love with and got your heart torn out by five years prior.

That was me yesterday. It was a new girl at work that I got to train. The more time I spent with her, there was this weird feeling- but I couldn’t place it. And then it hit me-- she was just like my ex. It became a horrible realization that- five years later- I missed what I had with her.

I stayed up a little too late last night. I’ve had very little sleep. I don’t want to miss my ex, but I want what her and I had. This new girl, she’s not my ex (she’s taken anyways). And laying in bed, I didn’t want the new girl. I wanted what I had with my ex back.

And sitting here writing this, I still want that. I still want that ability to talk with someone about dumb things. To go from conversation to conversation, forgetting to finish stories and having to go back to them an hour later. I want to just...not feel alone anymore.

But I also know it’s not like I’ll leave today and run into someone I’m going to immediately fall for. I’m not going to walk into work and there’s going to be another new girl there for me who is single and has things in common with me. Five years later, one pitiful relationship that should never have happened, and not really anyone who can replace the girl I once knew.

Maybe it’ll take another five years, but I really want to find her now. I just have to live with being the only person at the dinner table for now.

[singlewhitemale27-blog]

Attractiveness

It might sound a bit crazy, but I have a secret a lot of guys probably won’t tell you: they too have issues with how they look and how they are perceived.

I particularly have a lot of issues with it because, well, I’ve been single for a long time. Girls don’t tend to flirt with me, and if they do it’s usually in passing.

At work I have a lot of older women always commenting on my looks. Just the older women though. And I mean, these are my grandmother’s age older women. This isn’t like a 33 year old saying I’m cute. These are women in the 80s and 90s. I’ve had women talk about my “big beautiful eyes” and how I have to fight off girls left and right. I’ve had some just straight up call me handsome. Today I got “pretty boy” which...I’m pretty sure was not intended as an insult. Especially considering I do absolutely nothing but shower, shave and comb my hair before work.

See, the younger women for some odd reason don’t ever imply that they see me that way. Today I had a coworker ask me to help her with a necklace she was wearing that went in front of her apron. The necklace hung down and was on her chest, but she was totally OK with me helping her put it away. I should mention she’s not single, but nonetheless-- it felt odd.

It felt as though I was the stereotypical gay friend that women have on sitcoms and movies, so they can walk out in a bra to complain about the man in their life. The ones they talk with about fashion and gossip with about that bitch they work with. Except, I’m not gay. I know shit about fashion, and I get along with a lot of people so “that bitch” is probably someone I see that is just not in a great mood a lot of times.

I do have a few closer to my age that give me those looks that I’ve never once understood. I can’t for the life of me understand those looks. Can I just say-- stop giving those looks and if you want me to flirt more or ask for your number, give me a better sign than looking at me or being nice.

Because no one knows that your way of saying “ask me out”...or be upfront and call me cute. As long as you’re not calling every guy around cute or sexy, I’ll probably ask for your number. Or better yet, a date.

[singlewhitemale27-blog]

Insomnia

I work second shift and can I just say how much it blows?

Let me talk about work here. I feel like I really need to talk about work here.

I work in a kitchen. I won’t say where, but it’s not a place your average person will ever see me or hear me. And yet, I have customers I deal with and management that is full of characters.

Take this one manager who I can’t understand at all. She’s about my age, a little younger actually, and is just barely management. It’s like that kid the teacher put in charge when the teacher had to leave the room for an extended period of time. “Class listen to Veronica. She’s in charge while I have to take this emergency phone call that has nothing to do with me crying in the bathroom.”

I can’t read her. As a single guy, you sometimes get this feeling that maybe certain women have a thing for you. That eventually you’ll totally understand if they want to be in bed with you. At first, I thought she was totally into me. She’d light up when I came into work, she would talk to me more than the others, she even asked questions that you only ask a single guy if you want to personally know. But then I found out she has a boyfriend. I mean, let me not confuse you here, she’s a nice young lady and all- but I just never had any attraction to her and her being a manager put a kibosh in it even if I did have an attraction to her so I wasn’t sad or anything. Just confused.

She’s asked me what my hobbies were directly. Trying to spurn conversation maybe, but it felt awkward. She’s implied she wanted to go see a movie with me. She’s asked me if I wanted kids and was good with kids.

That last one was actually kind of creepy, but I mean...there was a small child present I was waving to. Nonetheless, all of this is things that would make a guy think “This chick is into me” And maybe I’m just her work crush.

I have my own work crush. Do not understand her either. She’s that cute quiet girl in class that all the guys like, all the guys talk to and flirt with, who laughs at everything but when you actually try to have a conversation on a certain level...it’s just yes and no and laughter. A few times I was feeling pretty good about my chances, with her actively conversing with me. Then it goes right back to yes and no. I’ve been slowly giving up the fight, admittedly even avoiding her.

There’s other cute women I work with, but I never get talk to them. And the next thing I know, by the time I’m even in their area, they’ve quit or moved on or aren’t working when I’m working.

I guess that’s just the single life. Confusing friendliness with being interested, and being attracted to women who have no clue you even exist. When did high school end again?

[singlewhitemale27-blog]

Let’s Start

Let me introduce myself. I’m going to go by Jay. No one knows me as Jay, no one talks to me as Jay, if they call me that name they probably heard my name so wrong because they are partially deaf.

I’m 27 years old. I’m white. And I’m a guy.

I needed a place to outline my thoughts. I thought why not on Tumblr? I don’t know what a Tumblr even is. I have no idea if I can cuss on a Tumblr. If spoiler tags work so I can highlight it and spoil the entirety of Star Wars. The new ones I mean. Not that I’ve seen them, but maybe in December?

I hate a lot of the BS (see, I didn’t cuss there because I’m not sure if I can) that goes on today. I felt like I needed a place for this so here we are.

Join me fellow nerds. Hypocrites. Why not?

[singlewhitemale27-blog]

Let’s Start

Let me introduce myself. I’m going to go by Jay. No one knows me as Jay, no one talks to me as Jay, if they call me that name they probably heard my name so wrong because they are partially deaf.

I’m 27 years old. I’m white. And I’m a guy.

I needed a place to outline my thoughts. I thought why not on Tumblr? I don’t know what a Tumblr even is. I have no idea if I can cuss on a Tumblr. If spoiler tags work so I can highlight it and spoil the entirety of Star Wars. The new ones I mean. Not that I’ve seen them, but maybe in December?

I hate a lot of the BS (see, I didn’t cuss there because I’m not sure if I can) that goes on today. I felt like I needed a place for this so here we are.

Join me fellow nerds. Hypocrites. Why not?