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taga ubos ng tinta

[singmetosleeppppp]

My mental health is declining..again

I hope no one knows me here. Anyway.

I know its getting bad again when I can't do the things I used to love to do. I used to love playing sims, I spent HOURS playing sims, but now I tried it and it only took me atleast 1-2mins bago magquit. I used to enjoy playing bass and/or eg, but di ako makatagal. I dont go out anymore like I used to. I dont go see my friends anymore like I used to. I dont reach out to my friends anymore. I dont write anymore (except this). Pati pagbabasa ng fanfic di ko na din magawa e yun ung enjoy na enjoy ako dati. Di rin talaga nakakabuti sakin yung most of the time for the past 7 yrs na nandito ako sa bahay. Kung tutuusin swerte ako kasi March 2020 palang, e pinagwfh na ko and since then, puro work from home na yung work. Pero ewan nakakabaliw din talaga. Wala pa kong parang niche na magaling. Wala din ako parang sabihin na nating ORG na sinasalihan. Wala akong circle of friends na lagi ko nakakasama, nakikita. Kung magkikita naman kami ng mga friends ko, ewan, magastos na yung bawat gala. Dati nag eenjoy pa ko iwalk mga aso ko pero ngayon di ko na din magawa. Nalagpasan ko naman na to dati, bumalik lang ulit ako sa hole ngayon. Actually, dati ko pa alam na masama na naman yung state ng mental health ko, in denial lang ako. Medyo matagal tagal na ko naghahanap ng professional help pero parang ang hirap din talaga maghanap ng affordable. Di ko nga din alam kung desidido na ba ko na magpapacheck ako. Tsaka kung magpapacheck ako, ano end goal ko? uminom ng gamot? hindi makafeel ng anything? maintindihan ang sarili? makapagfocus? mas mabilis makaalala? di ko din alam.

Isa lang nakakatulong sakin, yung pagdadrive. Yun nalang talaga, kasi napipilitan ako magfocus sa iisang thought, lahat ng senses gumagana, and napipilitan magfocus sa iisang bagay. Pero pag uwi, yun ulit. Sana malagpasan ko to.

[singmetosleeppppp]

anyway, tutal andito naman na ko.

Matagal tagal na ko di nakakapagpost. Ewan, di na ko comfortable. Gusto ko nga magdeact at idelete nlng ung account kaso nanghihinayang ako kasi wala akong ibang copy para balikan lahat ng mga kwento ko.

[singmetosleeppppp]

henlo

[singmetosleeppppp]

Di naman ako lagi malungkot. Nasasakto lang na nagsusulat ako dito pag malungkot. Hehe.

[singmetosleeppppp]

Putangina nandito na naman ako. Hello sainyong lahat.

[singmetosleeppppp]

Hinuhulaan ko email at pw ng main acc ko but i end up getting in here. So haha hi?

[singmetosleeppppp]

HAHA ngayon ko lang ulit nabuksan tng blog na to. Masaya naman na ako sa buhay. Nakagraduate, nakapasa sa boards, and nagwowork na ngayon. Yung Isobel na kinukwento ko dito 2 years ago? Kami pa rin. Tibay no! So ayun. Di na ko comfortable magblog sa main blog ko e. Pero joke lang haha dito ako nagblog kasi di ko na maalala email at password sa main blog ko huhu. So yea. 

[singmetosleeppppp]

Hindi ko pa dapat to pinoproblema. Dapat parents ko pa nagpoproblema dito.

[singmetosleeppppp]

FIRST KISS?!?!?!

OH FAHK. I almost forgot to tell. My hs friends were making fun of me because I still have no experience or first kiss at least. Why the rush? I mean, is it a race? I don’t know. I’m not really attractive and I’m introvert too. Why find or date somebody who means nothing to you? I don’t know. Maybe my standards are too high or maye i’m too ugly for relatioships.

And i don’t know why am I like that. I don’t talk to my crushes if I think I had no chance on them. Also, I’m not really into having a conversation to someone I have crush on. It fvcking looks like I’m such a weirdo or somethin. And I don’t really makes an effort on someone until I figured out I have R E A L feelings on them.

On the other side, I kinda feel embarrassed because it was fvcking true. I still have no real first kiss. My first kiss was a friend and it was like a joke or something. It was just a peck. I’m a year older than them but they have so many fvcking experience in their college years. I feel like they had relationship after relationship after relationship and I was like having an on and off relationship with my subjects. Sometimes I’m starting to blame myself why did I chose engineering in the first place.

Am I really that ugly?!?!?!

[singmetosleeppppp]

Ops. I'll havemy first everything (you know what i mean) in August, where thr love of my life Isobel will come here to be with me.

[singmetosleeppppp]

Scenario in my head

FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHK. I started creating scenarios in my head…AGAIN. Wtf I love myself hahahaha hopeless romantic and masochist at the same time. It’s all about the girl that messes with my mind, and we will be naming her Jigglypuff.

So here it goes.

–

I posted a picture of me and my bestfriend online, we were very sweet on that picture that makes us look like a couple. Then idk there’s still a plot hole in here. Then Jigglypuff’s father called me, asking me to  fetch him from the airport. Lol idk how or why he’ll ask me. Still, there’s a plot hole. On our way, he told me that Jigglypuff came out. I was very shocked. (HAHAHHA even if I created this whole sht). And he was very shocked too that I didn’t know about that. He also told me that they know that I was inlove with Jigglypuff. I admit it wholeheartedly. He also told me that Jigglypuff is under depression and have been crying for days. He suddenly asked me if my bestfriend and I were together. I laughed of course. I told him that we were just really close friends. He told me that I should go talk to Jigglypuff.

THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN 

I was at work that time, I was preparing myself to go home then suddenly I got a phonecall from a friend from school. He said that Jigglypuff was really drunk and he asked me to drive Jigglypuff home. I was shocked because I have no idea that Jigglypuff came back to the Philippines.

I drove and got into that club. When I entered the club, I saw my friend first and he told the girl in front of me that I was finally here. The girl turned around. Our eyes met. She wiped the tear running from her right eye and hugged me tight. I hugged her back. 

“Nakakainis ka! Nakakainis ka! Nakakainis ka!” She gently punches my arm while wiping her tears. I hugged her tighter. She cried while I was holding her. She finally let go. I raise her face by raising up her chin to face me. “Uwi na tayo?” I asked then she smiled.

She embraced my arm while I guide her out of the club and in of my car. She was very drunk and sleepy. I called his dad asking if I should drive her on their house (which was very far from the club) or let her sleep on my house. Her father said it was way better not to drive that late at night and instructed me to at least drive her early in the morning.

My house was not very far from the club. Jigllypuff was still very drunk. I opened the door of my car to let her out but she was veeeeeeeeeeery drunk. She teases me to kiss her but lol I didn’t let myself fall to the temptation haha.

When I guided her on my bed, she held my hand. “Please don’t go.” She cried AGAIN. She was asking me why I didn’t let her kiss me. “Hindi mo na ba ko gusto?” she asked. I smiled and kisses her on her forehead. “I’ll kiss you when you’re sober” I said. She pouted. “Payakap na lang hanggang makatulog ako”. My face turned red eventhough it’s impossible haha. I joined her on my bed. Her head resting on my arm while her arm was wrapped around me. Her fingers intertwined with mine. We both fell asleep.

–

I was having a headache, I think I’m having a low blood pressure again. I’ll continue these things tomorrow. Hehe. bye.

[singmetosleeppppp]

FAHK. Yesterday or I think earlier, Jigglypuff said that her dad will go here for a vacation. I was really surprised that a part of my whole imagination stuff just happened. Omg haha. 

[singmetosleeppppp]

I feel like i have superpowers like Dr. Strange, last two months, Jigglypuff actually came out that she's bi.

[singmetosleeppppp]

Hindi na ko komportableng magblog dun sa main blog ko, di ko din alam kung bakit. Joke. Alam ko pala. Di ko alam pero di ako nakakakaramdam ng kalayaan dun e.Nandun muka ko. Kilala din ako dun. May mga tao ding nakakakilala sa akin dun. Hindi ko alam pero nagiging selfish ako sa takbo ng isip ko, sa gustongsabihin ng utak ko.

[singmetosleeppppp]

Isobel

February, nagkakilala kami. Pinakilala siya sa akin ng kaibigan ko. Yun din yung panahon na nirereto ako ng kaibigan kong yun sa isa pa naming kaibigan na papangalanan nating Abo. Di ako gusto ni Abo, obviously. Di ko rin naman sya gusto. Nagkataon lang na kami yung magka age sa circle of friends namin sa "dimension" na papangalanan nating San Junipero.

February 18, 2018. Unang beses na nag usap kami ni Isobel. Sabi sakin nubg tropa ko na nagsend sya ng pic ko sa gc nila. And si Isobel nga yung nagreact. Then, pinakilala ng tropa ko sakin si Isobel. Nung nakausap ko siya, natatawa talaga ako sakanya kasi parang pinagtitripan lang ako o nahihibang na sya.

Usap. Kilig. Kilig.

Unang tawag, unang beses na narinig ang boses niya. Weird kasi tawa lang kami ng tawa. Hindi ko alam pero kilig na yata ang tawag dun.

Nasundan ang unang tawag ng pangalawa, pangatlo, at hindi na mabilang na phone calls.

Hanggang sa naging open na kami sa isa't isa. Malalim na kami mag usap. Mga bagay na di maikukwento sa iba ang napaguusapan na namin.

March 18, 2018. Alam ko masyadong mabilis, pero oo, naging kami officially. Hindi ko siya inasahang dadating pero sobrang saya ko sakanya. Araw din na yun yung may inamin ako kay mama. Yun din yung araw na sobra akong nasaktan sa pinagtapat ni Isobel, pero yun din yung araw na napatunayan ko sa sarili kong mahal na mahal ko na siya.

Pag nagmahal ako, in denial palagi. Mahal ko na, pero sarili ko na lang nagdedeny. Kaya di ko malaman kung kelan ba talaga ako nagmamahal. Di ko malaman yung peak or standard na masasabi kong mahal ko na yung isang tao.

Pero sa puntong yun, alam ko na. Sobra akong nasaktan pero mahal na mahal ko pa rin siya. Siguro kung sa puntong yun na di ko pa sya mahal at sinabi niya yun, baka di ako magdadalawang isip na iwan siya kasi iniingatan ko talaga yung sarili kong huwag masaktan lalo pa na kakagaling ko lang sa masakit nakahapon. Wow lalim. Pero ayun nga, dun ko nalaman na mahal na mahal na mahal ko na si Isobel.

Hindi nga ako nagsisi.

Sobrang swerte ko kay Isobel. Siya ang una, magiging una, at hopefully, ang aking huli. Puso ko'y nabubusog agad sa twing nakikita sya o naririnig ang boses niya. Katahimikan ng isa't isa'y sapat na samin. Hindi ko alam pano pero sobrang nakakagaan ng loob pag kausap siya o pag nakikita siya.

Sa August, days after ng kaarawan ko, magkikita kami. Mayayakap ko siyang totoo, mararamdaman kong totoo ang kanyang mga labi, mahahawakan kong totoo ang kanyang mga kamay, makakasama ko siya sa wakas.

Si Isobel, ang aking mahal.

[singmetosleeppppp]

Oi! Lam mo ba kapag nakikita ko yung url mo sa dash bigla nalang tumutugtog sa isip ko yung Asleep by The Smiths. Hahaha wala lang. 😂😂

Dun ko nga ata nakuha url ko, haha kasi pinatugtog yun sa Perks of Being a wallflower e

[singmetosleeppppp]

Natatawa nalang ako pag nababasa ko ulit mga laman nito. Buti hindi ko tinuloy yung pag talon ko. Kung tinuloy ko yun, di ko makikilala si isobel, di ako sasaya ng ganito. Hay haha

[singmetosleeppppp]

Nacoconvert yung emotional sht ko into stress. Naaapektuhan na ko physically.

[singmetosleeppppp]

Buti na lang talaga nakilala ko si isobel.

[singmetosleeppppp]

Gusto ko na magdeact dun sa main blog ko para mawala na koneksyon natin. Ang sakit sa mata ng mga pinopost mo e. Lalo na ngayon na alam ko nang mahal mo siya. Sakit sa mata. Gusto ko tuloy gumawa ng shades na may auto avoid detection pag nakikita blog mo. Ang sakit pala. Di ko pala kayang magkunwari.