I think I'm losing control...
I don't know if this is the right place for this, but I'll just put it out there anyway.
Sometimes my fantasies scare me. Oh they're always arousing, but there's also a fear in the back of my mind that maybe I'm losing control.
It started years ago when I would watch porn and imagine being the woman. Submitting to a man and allowing myself to be used for his pleasure and fulfilling his desires. Sucking his cock until he's ready to burst, bending over and being penetrated deeply, roughly, any way he wanted. It was only in my mind, but it was so arousing.
Then I started dressing myself in stockings, garters, thongs, and lacy bras when I was home alone. The feeling of anything silky or lacy on my skin was overwhelming. My heart would race and I would tingle all over. I took pictures of myself and posted them on the web. I bought a dildo, some nipple clamps, and some anal toys and would pleasure myself. I thought this would be enough, but it wasn't. I had to have real cock. Thinking about it just wasn't good enough anymore.
I began going to adult bookstores and sucking cock in the private rooms. At first I would only go late at night. I would arrive an hour or two before closing and wait in a room until a man would enter. I would get on my knees in front of him and unzip his pants, taking his cock in my mouth. I promised myself I would get him off but not let him cum in my mouth. Watching a man shoot his load on my face and body was such a turn on. I would do this once a month and then return to my habit of dressing at home alone.
After a year or so of monthly visits, I began going weekly. Sometimes in the afternoon or early evening. Sucking one cock wasn't enough. I would stay at the adult bookstore for a few hours and wander from one room to the next in search of cock, sometimes sucking 3, 4, or even 5 cocks while there. I know there were times when I would leave with cum in my hair or soaking through my shirt, but I didn't care. It turned me on even more.
It was during this time that I tasted another man's cum for the first time. I had sucked at least 50 or more cocks since I began making these "pleasure" trips to the adult bookstore, and had always finished them by hand up until this point. There was something in the way this guy was moaning and trying to hold back that pushed me to keep sucking him until the very end. The moment his cock began to pulse and I felt his cum on my tongue I immediately had this intense sensation tingling all through my body. My mouth was full of his cum and my body went numb. He apologized! I swallowed and smiled at him. My whole body tingled. I could never turn back now.
I began going to the adult bookstore more frequently. Sometimes 3 times a week. Sucking and sometimes swallowing. I still liked having men shoot their load on my face and body, but sometimes would open my mouth to catch whatever I could. I would use my hands to wipe my face and body and then lick my fingers clean. I was addicted.
It wasn't much longer before I was letting men fuck me. I remember the first guy. He was relatively clean cut looking. His cock wasn't the largest I had seen, but there was something about the way it felt in my mouth. I don't know, just a "natural" feeling. I remember he was stroking my hair as I was sucking him. It made me feel even sexier. At one point I stopped sucking and looked up and asked him if he wanted to fuck me. His eyes got big.
I took his hand and led him to the couch in the dark room. He sat down and began removing his pants. I gave him a condom. I was wearing my usual bra and thong under my clothes. I turned around in front of him and stepped out of my pants, making sure to stick my ass right in his face. He began fondling my cheeks as he pulled my thong down and then started probing my hole with his tongue and fingers. I was in heaven!
He then turned me around and pushed me onto the couch and lifted my ass. He pushed my shirt over my head revealing my bra then pressed his cock against my hole and began to enter me. I was tight. I tried to relax and let him in. I felt the head fully inside me and he began to move in and out. Too quickly at first and it hurt each time he pressed against me. He spanked me and began to get deeper inside me but still hurting each time he pushed further. I was beginning to think maybe I couldn't handle this. Maybe this was going too far.
I reached back with my hands to spread my cheeks and the pain began to subside as he entered me deeper and deeper. He began to speed up quite a bit and a warm tingling feeling spread through my body. And then he hit that spot! He was so deep inside me that his balls were hitting mine and I was feeling this intense pain each time he slapped against me but also feeling such an immense pleasure that I did not want him to stop. Ever.
But he did stop. He let out a groan and pulled out his cock removing the condom in one motion and sprayed his load all over my back. I could feel it splattering in my hair and on my shoulders. I turned over quickly and caught some in my mouth and on my face. My body was undulating as he let the last few globs drip from the condom onto my stomach and chest. I laid there smearing the cum over myself as he dressed and left the room. I felt warm and tingly all over. I was breathless.
As I began to feel the glow fading I sat up and tried to catch my breath. I stood up, and feeling a bit dizzy stepped towards the door and locked it. I was lightheaded and weak, and my ass was starting to feel sore. I laid on the cum covered couch for what I thought was only a moment but I must've fallen asleep. Next thing I knew the janitor was knocking on the door shouting that it was closing time. I quickly dressed and left the room with the janitor and a few other people staring at me as I wobbled down the hall towards the exit.
That was the first time. There have been many times since. Some have been rougher than others. Some I remember fondly and others I'd like to forget. I still mostly just suck cock on my visits to the adult bookstore, but I can't remember the last time that I did not get fucked. The pattern is escalating though. Sometimes I get fucked twice, and once in a while three times. It's hard to remember if I've had more than that in one night.
One barrier I have not yet crossed is multiple cocks at the same time. I think about it frequently though. And honestly it both turns me on and scares me. I watch a lot of blow bang and gang bang porn, and it's incredibly arousing. Could I actually handle more than one cock at a time? Sucking one while being fucked by another? Would 2 be enough? Would I want more? Would I be able to handle DAP? Would they hurt me?
Should some fantasies remain fantasy, or should I act on my urges? I honestly don't know. What I do know is that I've started down this path and there's no turning back. I just don't know if I should continue moving forward, but I also don't know if I can stop myself.
My fantasies sometimes scare me and I think I might need help...
If you need help so do I. That sounds amazing!!!
