will you still love me

I'm a lover, not a fighter. I'm the sweetest drop of water, the softest petal, the whisper of a woman of desire. Sister Theodora, Nun and Mistress of the Rose of Virtue.

[sister-theodora]

Theodora & Padriac || Surprise Visit

[sister-theodora]

padriacoflanternwaste:

sister-theodora:

“Padriac! To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit to the Rose today?”

*smiles* “Theodora. I came to visit because I have something to ask of you. May I?” *offers his arm*

“Hmmm... I guess you may ask.” *takes Padriac’s arm* “Is it much of me that you are asking?”

[fcoppola]

list of costumes

character: elizabeth bennet movie: pride & prejudice year: 2005 person: keira knightley

Only the deepest love will persuade me into matrimony, which is why I will end up an old maid.

[anneboleyns]

[sister-theodora]

Theodora & Padriac || Surprise Visit

“Padriac! To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit to the Rose today?”

[sister-theodora]

Love For A Gardenia || Theodora & Caradoc

[sircaradocdalmaine]

He smoothed the fingers clutching his knuckles while she spoke, one sentence following after the other as if in a race. She misunderstood him - as much as he understood what he was feeling himself - but he let Theo speak; he would always hear her words. And her words revealed how much she truly loved him, confirmed that he need not fear - that she really loved the both of them, and yet would settle - yes, settle - for just the one, for just him.

And she should never have to settle. Never would he want a woman such as her to not have everything her heart pulsed for.

Caradoc cupped her face in his hands, trying to steady her shakes and distress. “Wait, wait Theo.” He kissed her temple. “Theo, I dinna mean for you to choose between the two of us. Have him too, as you have me. I,” he paused. The articulation of his feelings fell short, he didn’t know how to explain. “You said you love me, if not more - but I dinna think you should try to…make your love compete with itself. Never have I known one so true to love, no one except the Lion himself.”

He leaned back, holding her hands now in the space between them. He imagined Tumnus’s forehead pressed against Theodora’s, imagined the moments Caradoc had shared with her, with Tumnus in his stead. “When I think of you with Tumnus, really with him,” he blushed, “I…I’m not angry, nor jealous. And I don’t feel alienated by it. And, I think it’s because it’s Tumnus. Because it’s always been Tumnus - you confess your love for him now, but…it’s as if the two of you together has already happened. The revelation isn’t a revelation at all because it’s always been so… because even I” Caradoc stopped and shook his head, he made an exasperated noise. “By the mane, I sound mad.”

“I dinna see why you can’t have us both - why should you have to choose? Why limit? Whose rules made it so? I don’t want to lose you, Theodora - but I’m not afraid of it. I’m not afraid that loving Tumnus makes you love me less. You have loved him unknowingly to me until today, and you’ll continue to love him as you love me tomorrow. Your love won’t end just because you’re apart, so…go to him.” Caradoc squeezed her hands. “And come back to me, with him on your arm. And we’ll figure out what that’ll mean afterwards.”

[sister-theodora]

Theodora continued to sit there, staring at Caradoc in slight shock. She didn’t know what to say, do or think, but what she did know was.... She couldn’t go to Tumnus. Not now. She had never thought about what to say, and to go right and now and confess would possibly throw herself, Caradoc and Tumnus off balance, and she certainly didn’t want to do that. She was sure that were she to stand, she would be unsteady on her feet, and Theo finally shook her head, raising her shaking hands to press against her forehead.

“I... I’m sorry,” she whispered, shaking her head. “I must not... I cannot... Not... right...” Her voice was trembling. She suddenly felt as though a great weight was on her shoulders, like someone had grabbed them and started pushing her directly into the ground. Theo took a deep breath to calm herself, her hands uncharacteristically clenching into fists. She rubbed her forehead. “It’s... Too much, Caradoc, I never intended for this...”

Theo shook her head. “Though I still do not wish to... I will think about your insistence. But only because you said I should.” Her lips quivered. “I promise.”

[sister-theodora]

Love For A Gardenia || Theodora & Caradoc

[sircaradocdalmaine]

Caradoc returned his hand to Theodora’s knee, his point of stability. He was on the edge of something - her words might pull him down. They already had, despite her assurances. It was, perhaps, his second worst fear: to lose a loved one’s love. And wasn’t that fear universal? 

He stared at her lips as she spoke, tracing each syllabic shape so he would not mistake her meaning. He understood how one could love another and still love the first - he still loved Isla, and this Theo knew. There are some you cannot help from loving, some who pull you towards them without reason or justification. And yet he feared that Theodora felt she must choose between them, and Caradoc did not want to burden or pin her down, make her feel like she had to choose him, the knight.

…Mr. Tumnus.

His lips quivered into a half smile. He could not describe what he felt, but it lay closer to relief - relief because Tumnus was so deserving of her love, relief because he understood immediately. He understood. How many days had the three of them shared? How many walks and lazy smiles? How many cups of tea? 

“Tumnus,” he confirmed. He shook his head. “Yes, of course it is Tumnus.” He squeezed her leg a little and settled beside her, leaning against the trunk of the tree. Their four feet aligned like sprouting flowers. 

He looked at the bow-shape of her upper lip and involuntarily imagined the curve of Tumnus’s pressed against hers, noses touching, and… Caradoc looked away. His insides felt light and full of static. He felt no jealousy at such an image, no heartbreak, he… wanted that image. 

He scrunched his brows. “Theo…” He wasn’t sure how to begin, or even what he was going to say. He didn’t really know how he felt except - 

“If you love him, tell him Theo.” 

A breeze rustled their hair. “I’ll love you all the same. Tumnus deserves,” he stopped. He began again, each word slow and particular. “I think Tumnus and you should,” He stopped again. It was impossible to say how he felt. That he wanted to be with her, that he loved her, and that because he loved her he wanted her to love Tumnus too, the both of them, because Tumnus was easily, obviously loved, a dear friend he would fight for, die for - a dear friend that he too loved, loved as much as… 

“Go to him. I will still be here.” 

[sister-theodora]

Theo stared at Caradoc, awaiting his answer with bated breath. Never before had she felt so terrified, not even when she unsteadily held a sword to the stomach of another man. To know now that she could be the reason for Caradoc’s sadness filled with guilt and fear and shame... And she couldn’t hide her surprise when his mouth quivered into that half-smile she so loved. He was speaking, saying words that slowly reeled in Theo’s mind... she found herself staring at Caradoc in utter bewilderment.

With shaking hands, she took his, and held them tightly, bringing them up so she could kiss his knuckles. “Caradoc... What in all of Narnia are you talking about?” she breathed, shaking her head. “Go to him? Caradoc... You don’t know what you’re saying.” Theo’s hands tightened on his; tears were beginning to flood in her eyes.

“Yes, I do love him, Caradoc, but I love you too, if not more! I wish... I wish I could be with you both.” Theo didn’t know what she was going to say, so she stopped. How could she explain how she felt? That she wanted to be with them without deserting the other?... Was that selfish of her? To desire the love of the two she loved? Theo’s hands were beginning to shake, and she swallowed heavily, blinking a few times.

She took a deep breath, drawing from inner strength to compose herself, and she looked Caradoc in the eye. “I will not go to him. If I cannot have both of you, then I will leave this. I love you both, and I wish to love you and respect and be with you both... I have absolutely no desire to leave you. I want to stay with you, my love.”

Theo felt her heart ache, but she stuck by what she said. She loved Caradoc... He was her first true love after all. Having no family, and having all of her former lovers leave her... Theo had never felt like this with any other. Even with Tumnus it was different. Caradoc was special.

And she would never be able to forgive herself if she hurt him.

[sister-theodora]

Love For A Gardenia || Theodora & Caradoc

[sircaradocdalmaine]

His heartbeat quickened. He could see her struggling with herself, and then came her words. No matter what I say now, I still love you. Nothing can change that. He braced himself for some terrible news, but he held onto those words as she kissed him, her lips familiar and safe. There was a fervor in the kiss and if not for his worry, he could have lost himself in it. 

His chest tightened when he considered illness but drowned such thoughts in an ocean. She pulled away from him, holding his hand. And then,

There was a moment where he imagined he’d misheard. But he hadn’t. His mouth twitched and he looked at Theodora’s pupils, irises, the white bits. Caradoc opened his mouth to say something, anything, but no words came. He stood. Heat crept up the sides of his neck. His hand rested on the rough, uneven bark. There were dragonflies flitting about the rosebushes. A handful of clouds in the sky. He breathed in the pollinated air and out through his nose. He didn’t know what to say. For a wild second he pictured Peter’s face, mouth split into a grin and laughing with Theodora, and then Theodora was Isla - and then he was filled with pain and loss for a multitude of reasons.

Caradoc looked down at Theodora and remembered how many mornings he woke to her face, eyes still closed and lost in dreams. I am still yours, and you are still mine. He knelt down and cupped his hand behind her neck and ear. He didn’t want to know, he had to know, faces of the Rose’s regulars passed behind his eyes. “Who?”

[sister-theodora]

Theodora hated doing this. She desperately wanted to brush it off, say it was nothing and go back to read,. but now she had Caradoc’s undivided attention, and leaving it would be worse than confessing how she felt. Goodness... Theodora would never be able to forgive herself if she broke Caradoc’s heart. No other man could help her to move on from the grief.

Well, perhaps one, but she didn’t want to think of it...

Except she was. Tumnus invaded her mind like a sudden storm, and he stood next to Caradoc, gazing at her with the love and affection she so desired from both. It was just Tumnus... True, she loved him, but only also. Caradoc was there too. They were together. Theodora desired and loved them both, but she could only have one... couldn’t she?

“Know now,” she said in a voice barely above a whisper, “That I love you. I have never loved another as much I love you now. And thoug I love another, he does not quite compare... it is different, yet the same. I don’t know to explain.” Theodora felt very frustrated, trying not to crumble under the pressure she’d put on herself, but now was the moment of confession.

“...The other I love... is Mr Tumnus.”

[sister-theodora]

Love For A Gardenia || Theodora & Caradoc

[sircaradocdalmaine]

Theodora’s gaze travelled all over his face, he watched her eyes and the way they seemed set on something. His neck grew hot suddenly - was there something wrong? Her soft fingers pulled gently around his curls and he let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding in. Whatever it was, she still mindlessly sought that comfort in her nervousness - he was something to pick at with her hands, a habit.

For a brief moment he recalled that first night between them, the wounds she patched up - physical and psychological - and their realizations that they were capable of falling freely towards each other without fear. Ever since that night there had never been fear or trepidation between them. There had been hurt and pain, but inflicted by outside forces - the world pushing against them, their private, self-contained little world. 

Caradoc sat up. His forehead creased. What could she confess? Notions and guesses left as quickly as they came. His hand went habitually to her knee. “Anything,” he said. “We have always been honest with each other, my love for you has never faltered.” He raised his brows, repeating. “Anything.”

[sister-theodora]

Theodora played with a stray thread on her skirt. She could hear the worry and concern in Caradoc’s voice; it made her feel rather cold. How could she put him through such worry, any worry at all... but she knew it was because he loved her. She hadn’t felt a love as pure and wholesome as Caradoc’s, and she desired to cling to it, to show him as much love in return. He understood her like no other, not counting Cara...

Well, there was another...

She almost raised her hands to her face, but instead she lifted them to hold Caradoc’s, gazing at him, her eyes searching his face. “Caradoc,” she whispered, closing her eyes and leaning her forehead against his. “No matter what I say now, I still love you. Nothing can change that. I am still yours, and you are still mine.” She kissed him at that, trying to muster as much passion and love as she could.

Theodora felt strangely vulnerable, but she knew she had to be. She wanted to be completely honest with Caradoc, and she pulled back, sitting back on her heels, and she held Caradoc’s hand within both her own, her thumbs running over his fingers. She almost spoke without looking at him, but she composed herself, drawing on her inner strength, and looked up directly into Caradoc’s eye.

“Caradoc, I think... I think I also love another.”

[sister-theodora]

Love For A Gardenia || Theodora & Caradoc

[sircaradocdalmaine]

It was nice to sit with Theodora like this, under the tree in her rose garden. There were other flowers too, full blooming, and smelling of a Spring that had ached all winter-long.

Caradoc listened to the story she read aloud. When he opened his eyes he saw the edges of her lips brush against each other, forming words and vowels, the tongue against her teeth forming hard and soft consonants. He saw too the book binding, the turning of each page, and her fingers lingering on their corners. It really was something - to be here, with her, rather than spilling over maps and treaties and plans for war. That he might lose himself in the story made tangible by the lips of the woman he loved. That he might, for the hour, not be what he was, but the characters in the story with a heartfelt, sometimes trying tale. That he might exist in the words spreading out into the air around them, around the roses, around the gardenias.

A new character entered the tale. A new friend for the protagonist: a faun. Theodora’s voice faltered, in tune with Caradoc’s thoughts, so he didn’t notice. He couldn’t help imagining the faun with a red scarf wrapped about his neck. Even if it was meant to be an escape from reality, he couldn’t help these details dig their way into the stories he read. He didn’t know if this was necessarily a bad thing. For instance, he always pictured Theodora’s face in all his books. If the hero fell in love with a beautiful woman, he saw Theo. He saw her too at the mention of an adventuress. Or a mother. A wise priestess. A loving friend.

These thoughts came in and out as they do while he listened to the tale and Theodora read the final sentences of the chapter. He heard the page turn but no voice followed. Caradoc opened his eyes. Theodora had furrowed her brows, she was staring blankly. It was an expression he did not recognize on her face. She was most always composed, or pretending to be. But this was the look of uncertainty.

“Theo?” he said. Caradoc placed his fingers on her arm, the edge of her sleeve. “What is it, love?”

[sister-theodora]

Theo’s fingers tightened on the book, feeling her thoughts begin to frenzy. It was an odd feeling, being unable to control her emotions or stay composed, but sometimes the facade dropped, and she became a servant to her feelings, to allow them to flood out and wash everything away. When Caradoc spoke, he sounded muffled, far off, but it brought her back, her eyes going into focus and she came back to the tree she was under, with Caradoc.

Caradoc...

Oh, Aslan, how could she feel this way? To betray Caradoc in this way? Yet... She still loved Caradoc, if not more. Surely these were just lingering feelings, emotions that would eventually fade away and she could return to life as before. She looked toward Caradoc, unable to stop her thoughts. His curly hair reminded her of Tumnus’s own curls, how they sit neatly yet untamed around his horns. Caradoc’s stubble reminded her of Tumnus’s little beard, and now Caradoc soft yet concerned gaze reminded her of how Tumnus looked at her so often.

Theodora took a deep breath, closing her book. “Caradoc...” she began slowly, her hand moving to his hair, gently stroking the soft curls. “There has... how can I put this... There has been something preying on my mind recently. I am sure it is nothing for concern, but on that first night between us, I unknowingly pledged to you, to always be honest, and loving, and everything I could be to you and us.”

She took another deep breath. “I wish to confess something.”

[sister-theodora]

Love For A Gardenia || Theodora & Caradoc

The air was fresh around Theo, indicating the end of winter, thankfully. The warmer weather was arriving, along with a time many Narnians cherished. Spring... She knew Tumnus loved it, and she was glad. This was the time of year her roses bloomed, and she could sit outdoors with Caradoc. They had walked some distance from the Rose in the afternoon, the warm sun filtering through the trees an warming Theo’s skin, and the two sat under a tree.

It was a moment of pece - a time where they didn’t have to think of all the troubles within Cair Paravel. Theo did like the hustle and bustle of her life, but sometimes it was nice to relax, to read a book that Sophie had recommended her. Now, she was sitting beneath the tree, her skirts tucked neatly about her, and a hat sat on her head. Caradoc lay in the grass, his head in Theo’s lap and his eyes closed comfortingly, and Theo read aloud to him.

It was a simple tale, but one she was enjoying so far. As she read, the tale mentioned of a Faun who had befriended the main character, and she couldn’t stop her voice from faltering as the Faun reminded her of Tumnus. Tumnus... How little their contact had been after the events of the celebration. Theo was sure he was busy; he worked with Caradoc on occasion, but on what she did not know. She was far too busy with the Rose.

The chapter finished - Theo turned the page, about to read aloud, but just found herself staring absentmindedly at the page. Her thoughts reeled slightly, and she shook her head gently to dispel them. Today was her peaceful day with Caradoc... if so, then why was she troubled deep down?

She knew the answer to that.

[freya-halwyn]

i rose and i rose | freya & theodora

[freya-halwyn]

Freya took the cup in her hands; it warmed them. Internally she replied, I know, I saw through the window -  it drew me towards your door. “Thank you.” The woman’s eyes roamed over her figure, her face. But it wasn’t an uncomfortable or calculating glance, a summation of her worth. It was a genuine study of meaningful curiosity. She wondered what it was the woman saw. 

“Sister Theodora,” she repeated quietly and nodded.

The usual services she was not in need of. At least, it it were, she was unaware it was so. She wasn’t quite sure what she needed save a safe place, a spot to rest her head away from nightmares and wolves. Instinctively she wanted to close up, withdraw into herself. Freya paused though, and looked Sister Theodora in the eyes. Like ripping off a bandage she made the decision to trust her. Not with everything - there was no need to burden the woman - but with enough. Because if she stayed here, if that was an option, the woman ought to know who she had put under her roof. 

“Years ago, when I came to Cair, I was on the streets until a group of people saved me. I’d been with them ever since. I always…had a place with them. And then I got in with the wrong sort. If I’m in trouble, I’ve put myself there. Now I’ve nowhere to go.” She glanced through a nearby window. “I need a safe place to stay for…” she turned back to Theodora. “…well I don’t know for how long. My former line of work isn’t an option anymore, and that was my whole life.” She felt a little embarrassed for having spoken so much about herself. “I suppose a few nights - until I figure out what’s next.”

[sister-theodora]

Theodora listened carefully as Freya spoke, and her heart went out to the younger woman. She rested her teacup in its saucer, holding it for a few moments as Theo went through her thoughts. She could have one of the east rooms, Theo thought to herself, looking up again into Freya’s face. See the sunrise when she wakes... Yes.

Setting the teacup and saucer on the small table, Theo leaned forward slightly. “Child, one thing you must know, you will always have a place here at the Rose. It is open to all, and you are not required to work in the usual line of work here.” Theo paused for a moment, then reached over to comfortingly place her hand over Freya’s.

“I know not of what this work was, or of the individuals you worked with, but here you are safe. You may stay here as long as you like, and you don’t need to pay me. Here we aim to make peace with the Great Lion through partnership with another, and there are many ways to do that.”

Theo squeezed Freya’s hand slightly. “I only ask that you contribute here. Small things, like cooking or gardening or helping the other girls. But...” Theo sighed slightly. “I may ask this, but you can decline. You could be looking for work outside of the Rose I do not know about, or simply don’t wish to be out and about.” Theo smiled again, nodding slightly.

“It is your choice, Freya.”

[sister-theodora]

I Give You My Life || Self-Para

ooc: a continuation of this - @sircaradocdalmaine @thefaun-tumnus

Hours had passed since the three had fallen asleep, and now Caradoc and Tumnus slept still as Theodora got up. She didn’t want to leave, but she had to check on the Rose. It didn’t take long, though, and soon she found herself back in her room, close to the two she loved so dearly once again. If Cara were there then all the people she loved dearly would make her ever so happy, but now...

Theo sat in front of her dressing table, drinking a cup of tea. When she had awoken her mind was slow, but she had reveled in the touch of both Caradoc and Tumnus. The Faun and the Knight... So close to her, they both made her heart jump so, and Theo didn’t ignore or mind the rush of heat to her cheeks when they smiled at her.

She remembered loving nights in Caradoc’s arms, relishing in how he showered love and affection upon her and her naked form, how his warm hands knew where she twitched and arched and danced, and how his kisses seemed to warm her very soul, something Theodora had never experienced with any of her other lovers.

She remembered when she met Mr Tumnus, how the two enjoyed long walks on the beach together and deep talks into the night. How he would sometimes just drop by for a cup of tea, how he was Theo’s oldest friend in Cair Paravel... and how he made her feel similarily to how she felt of Caradoc.

Tumnus and Caradoc made Theo love more fiercely than she had ever done before. It made her mission all the more important, because she finally understand its truest, purest meaning. And it scared her a little.

Theo leaned forward, placing her head in her hands as she let out the tiniest groan of frustration. There was no denying it any longer - she loved both of the men behind her, in the same way. It scared Theo so much to think they she loved two, but she couldn’t bear to leave one for the other. Why couldn’t the world be kind and allow Theo the company and love of both?

She glanced over her shoulder at them, seeing Caradoc now had both arms wrapped around the Faun, though his head was tiled back slightly and his mouth was wide open. Tumnus was snuggled against Caradoc, one hand grasping Caradoc’s shirt, and his face was pinched slightly as he dreamed. Theo couldn’t stop herself from smiling. It was one of the loveliest sights she had ever seen, and she committed it to memory.

This was a quiet, happy moment. These times were dark, full of sadness, and Theo knew the two would be grieving for some time. She wanted... No, she would be there for the both of them. She could love Caradoc louder and more openly, but Tumnus... Theo’s hands clenched into fists, and she faced her mirror again.

There had always been a silent agreement between her and Caradoc to be fully honest with one another. It was because of this that Theo felt safer and more respected than she had in any of her other relationships, and she knew, deep within her heart, that she had to tell Caradoc how she felt of Tumnus. And yet somehow convince Caradoc she wouldn’t be leaving him any time soon. Theodora loved Caradoc, and didn’t want to leave him for any reason.

A thought came to her.

When had she last told Caradoc she loved him? Had she even said it before?

[freya-halwyn]

i rose and i rose | freya & theodora

[freya-halwyn]

She didn’t know what this establishment’s policies usually were, but the generosity of its owner genuinely surprised Freya. One because she didn’t realize how ‘in need’ she looked to outsiders - her usual demeanor to outsiders was cold or unreadable. Second, for all that had happened, and with a prospective war on the horizon, she figured these townspeople would want as much currency in their pockets as possible.  

And maybe too it was child that Freya needed to hear. She had always felt old, but not very wise. She had ceased to consider herself a child since that day on the farm, since her childhood was taken from her.

The door closed behind as the woman ushered her inside, leading her to a drawing room beside the staircase. Freya looked around as the woman spoke. The decor was simple, yet decadent in its own right. “Tea would be lovely, thank you. Very much.” 

She looked at the small paintings on the walls and embroideries on the pillows. She wasn’t sure what to do with her hands so she spotted the nearest chaise and sat on its edge - in the same manner she had sat on the edge of her first bed at the guild, skeptical and hopeful and yes, scared of the future too. Freya waited until the woman, whose name she was eager to learn, returned with the tea. 

[sister-theodora]

Theodora gave a small nod, hurrying out to set a tray up for her guest. The pot was still warm, so she just set it on a tray with two spoons, a new empty cup and her own teacup. Carefully, Theo left the kitchens, returning to the lounge where Freya sat. She set the tray down, quietly shutting the door so as to not be disturbed - which seemed unlikely at this time - and seating herself across from Freya.

She poured the empty cup for Freya, holding it out carefully. “It’s still hot - I was trying brewing a pot when you arrived,” she said softly as Freya took the cup, and Theo sat back carefully, inspecting the younger woman. She was beautiful, but in a different way to many of those at the Rose. This young beauty seemed... sheltered. Less confident than the giggly girls who roamed within the Rose.

“My name is Sister Theodora,” Theo introduced herself, smiling kindly. “I am the owner and mistress of the Rose of Virtue.”

She took a sip of her tea. “You need not provide details, if you do not wish, but are you in trouble? You don’t look like you’re here for my usual services, Freya.”

[sister-theodora]

ooc: me rereading the Tumneodoc thread

I’m pulling an all-nighter and slowly losing my mind

[capturingfandoms]

There. See? At least the boy has a sense of propriety.

[halfagony-halfhope]

They [men] are far too easy to judge.

[sister-theodora]

@carathecentauress

[thoughts-memories]