on smoko

sam 18

[sixlitregtr]

[sixlitregtr]

im not even anorexic enough why am i so tired all the time.

i want to be 40kg. then i would be sick enough. finally. people would finally care.

[sixlitregtr]

My heart isn’t beating right.

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amma amma amma amma please take me away amma, please free me, please, please, please if there is a god please strike me down please fucking kill me, please, please, please, I cannot live with this sickness, I cannot carry this, please amma please, please strike me down, death cannot be worse than this, oh why, why did you break me, why can’t you make me whole, amma amma amma amma amma

[sixlitregtr]

The sickness in my bones is worse. I try to lift my body off the ground, but my muscles refuse me.

I know I can.

I know I can do it.

I know I am stronger.

I know I am a good dog, I know I do not bite.

I know that Dog, and Jackie, and Lincoln are nothing more than parts of me; I know they are just fragments that I made up to cope with the weight of two worlds on my little shoulders.

But my body fails me. My flesh is decaying. I feel my organs crying. I am weak, and small, and cold. I am a bad dog, and my teeth are sharp. My mind is split again sooner than I can put it back together.

So I take my sodium tablets and drink my water and I let my arms collapse and I cry through shuttered ducts and I close my eyes and pray that tomorrow I will not feel so tired, even though I know that sleep can never fix this.

Despite my best efforts, once again, I am just a scared little girl clinging to a cold bathroom floor.

[sixlitregtr]

Collage sketch of Annabelle Collett's Modifying the Form (1999).

[sixlitregtr]

I can feel the sickness in my bones. i ate lots and lots of food so that i might fix it. to no avail. mama it's dark in here. mama i'm tired. i feel so tired. i feel so tired that i might die mama. i feel like i might die. hold my hand. hold my hand and press balled up fistfuls of wet rice and dahl to my lips. hold my hand and tell me to do something about my neck if i dont like it. eight years later and my neck still has folds. folds of baby fat. pharyngeal arches. they wont leave. my hip dips wont leave. my stretch marks wont leave. my stomach wont leave. wont leave. leave me be. its dark. mama its dark in here. its dark in my bones. my body is betraying me. my body is betraying me again. i ate lots of food to appease it but i couldnt hold it. i cant hold it in. i cant hold on. hold my hand mama. the sickness is back. the sickness is back again. back in my bones.

[sixlitregtr]

JUST DIVORCED (mutually broke up with) MY BITCH EX WIFE (my wonderful ex girlfriend who I'm hopefully going to remain friends with) IN A BRUTAL LEGAL BATTLE (a cordial text conversation). I LOST IT ALL. THE HOUSE. THE KIDS (a kandi bracelet that I need back). I HOPE SHE GERS TO HAILL (this was the first non-toxic relationship I've ever had and I hope she finds the utmost happiness in her life)!!!!! I HATE MY LIFE (I haven't felt this kind of peace and self efficacy in a while)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sixlitregtr]

it is extremely important that everyone knows I am a creation from a lab & not a real human boy. they put my brain in one to see what would happen but I'm not actually real and not capable of human feelings & thought ^_^

[sixlitregtr]

I'm genuinely getting a little emotional over how well the adhd medication is working idk.

Yesterday for the first time in years I had a clear and engaged conversation with my brother because I wasn't preoccupied by other trains of thought.

I haven't had a single thought about bingeing/purging that didn't just pass. Not one single urge to do it even when presented with the opportunity and normal trigger foods/events.

I'm not magically cured ofc and it could very well be placebo but it's just. Jesus. I didn't realise I was playing life on extra hard mode. I didn't realise that it could be better.

[sixlitregtr]

WHY DID SHE FUCKING SAY THAT

[littledemon55]

A while ago I saw a post of someone saying that Vivziepop's Nazi Oc was a joke and... Even IF it was a joke, it's hella offensive! You can't even call it a joke, because no one was laughing. Except for Vivzie... And Neo-Nazis...

The Helluvaverse Fandom is not a safe space for Jewish people.

The fact that crazy fans went out of their way to defend a cosplayer doing blackface... The character they cosplayed isn't even black! The fans still harassed people for calling them out! Even people of colour who were rightfully offended!

The Helluvaverse Fandom is not a safe space for people of colour.

Vivziepop has been transphobic towards trans man and non-binary people since day one. There are multiple screenshots of her misgendering people on purpose. She thinks we're confused and doing it for a trend.

The Helluvaverse Fandom is not a safe space for trans* and non-binary people.

Vivziepop has liked multiple posts about a ship between a r@pist and his victim. Made one of her shows about an abusive relationship and victimises the abuser. She actively fetishises one of her characters and doesn't take his abusive serious. She has also made multiple jokes about it. Medrano also abused her workers, who called her out for it.

The Helluvaverse Fandom is not a safe space for S//A and abuse survivors in general.

Spindlehorse aka Vivienne Medrano doesn't pay most of her employees more than the minimum wage, if not less. She barely credits her artists and threatens them not to work for other animation studios. The merch Spindlehorse sells is overpriced and always limited edition, so they can get as much money out of their fans as possible.

The Helluvaverse Fandom is not a safe space for supporters of small businesses and people who are anti capitalism.

[sixlitregtr]

>Open tumblr

>Anti-vivziepop awareness on the dash

Nature is healing. Lol.

I don't know, even if none of this was the case... Her work has always irked me, especially her representation of queer men always being hypersexual and quite frequently heteronormative.

If you read her very early webcomic, Zoophobia, there is absolutely no explicit queer representation for a WHILE. Then, out of nowhere, she starts including a bunch of emerging mlm romances: but they all involve a very feminine male. There isn't anything explicitly wrong with that, it just... Doesn't sit quite right. Her work most certainly does not appropriate queer culture, but its overreliance on overplayed, outdated tropes (a lot of which are rooted in the fetishisation of queer subgroups, especially gay men) certainly does not feel like an appreciation of queer culture, either. I know she is not straight, but being queer doesn't automatically grant gay realness upon all the work a person makes, if that makes any sense.

[sixlitregtr]

would you guys still like me if I shit my pants a little

[sixlitregtr]

when I was asking for vyvanse over ritalin I told the doctor I struggle heavily with binge eating and he was like "what but you are quite an average weight" girl the bulimia.....

[sixlitregtr]

fuck my stupid chungus neuroscience minor

[sixlitregtr]

I hate it here

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adhd assessment in like 3 hours im so le nervous

[sixlitregtr]

officially diagnosed