You stop at the Florida border after hours of driving. There is a small welcome center where a blonde woman named Karen hands you a free cup of orange juice. You excitedly ask how much longer until you reach the Keys. Karen laughs.
There is nothing but farmland for hours on either side of the highway. You have been listening to the same classic rock station for three of them, with the occasional static of lost signal. You play a game counting as many Yeehaw Junction! billboards that you see. If you guess correctly, you win a prize. There are 80 of them.
Florida has two main cryptids, the Skunk Ape, and Florida Man. You are canoeing in the swamp and you hear rustling. Swatting at gnats and mosquitos you hold your breath, you spot the Skunk Ape. A moment or two goes by, the Skunk Ape reaches up and scratches his head. He removes what was a mask all along. Florida Man is the Skunk Ape.
You visit your grandparent’s condo that’s 20 minutes from the beach. Everything in Florida is 20 minutes from the beach. There is an alligator walking on the golf course. “Let him play!!” A nearby woman shouts, as animal control attempts to capture the reptile. There will be another. There is always another.
The more south you drive, the more north it becomes. One side of the street is pouring rain with flashing lightning, the other is dead grass from decades of drought. Everyone wears flip flops, often with long sleeved shirts or hoodies. No one questions this.
It is 8:42pm on a Wednesday night. You walk into Publix, where shopping is a pleasure. Chicken tender subs are $5.99 for a whole, the man at the counter asks if you’d like to make it a combo. You never make it a combo. Two aisles over, a sweet woman asks if you’d like a free chocolate chip cookie. You say yes, and promptly buy a dozen more.
The news tells stories of wild parties and drug scandals from one of the 3 major cities. You live in the suburbs, where the craziest thing that’s happened is an iguana went into homeostasis in the winter, and rose from the dead in the summer. You switch to the local weather, rain is in the forecast again.
You have just paid $20 to park at the happiest place on earth. You used to park at the resorts and take the bus over, but they found out, and now monitor the resorts. You do not have extra magic hours but you stay past the park’s closing time anyway. It is empty except for one cast member sweeping popcorn off the floor. They have been sweeping for 27 minutes now. You are in Frontierland, but can hear It’s A Small World. You will always hear It’s A Small World.
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