This has undoubtedly been the most difficult college semester for me academically. In high school, I was 10th in my class. I can’t say that prior to high school I have always done well, but since then I have always fought hard for As. Although I can’t say that my GPA has been butchered, I also can’t say that I have done as well as I have wanted to.
I also cannot say that I have done well in my job, or my relationships, or anything for that matter. I feel like I have just failed. I have felt like everything has been unraveling and I am beyond exhausted. I also cannot say that nothing has gone well because it has. Just not at all by anything that I have done, only by God’s grace.
These past three weeks have been full of tears. Tears of sadness, hurt, anger, exhaustion, happiness, and joy. Why? I have failed. Hard. But God is teaching me to fail. He is teaching me more about His discipline, grace, and fatherliness.
I never had much of a father. I never had someone to truly discipline me. I never had someone to push me to be better. Then I became a Christian. I found many godly men and women to push me in the right direction. To call me to repentance. To call me to follow Christ.
Yet, as I moved around, I’ve become distant with many of the people I love so dearly. Eventually, I grew closer to the people I was closest to geographically, but the more I have moved, the less I want to really trust others. Not because they couldn’t be trusted but because I didn’t want to lose them too. It hurts like crazy to grow distant to those you love. Especially when they were some of the first people you ever learned to love.
This has left me exhausted and unmotivated this semester. Don’t get me wrong, I have people I love dearly where I live, but I can’t help but ask myself, where will I be when they leave too? What will I do when school ends and there is no one left?
Tonight I was hurt by a friend dear to me. I was left in tears. Was no one seeing all that I had been through? I had gotten no sleep. I haven’t celebrated thanksgiving yet (which no one thought to wish me happy thanksgiving). I will celebrate this weekend with my family but the thought terrifies me because my brother-in-law has already interrogated me because of my faith. Half of my family hates that I am a Christian. Yet, I want so badly for them to come to Christ. I have done nothing but work for a week. Now, I was supposed to finally be getting a break but I am sick. To top it all off I popped my tire yesterday and I spent all day today getting it fixed. Not a single person has asked me if I am okay. Clearly, nothing in my life is going as it should but no one has asked me if I am okay. The only reaction I have received has been two of my dearest friends being angry with me because I haven’t talked to them enough.Yet, I don’t have enough time because I can barely keep myself afloat.
In all of this, I have wanted to throw in the towel. What do I do? I am exhausted and alone and I can’t seem to do anything right. Well, I was reminded of God’s faithfulness. It is the nature of the world to change, but it is the nature of God to remain the same. I honestly cannot express the amount of comfort and joy I take away from this fact. I might make some huge mistakes. However, God is working despite me to bring Himself glory. Furthermore, He always uses my mistakes to bring me to Himself. I may have fallen flat on my face, but my God is still faithful. My Father is still working. He is making me more like Him.
My Heavenly Father is continuing to use my mistakes to teach me things. To teach me more about Him and how to act more like Him. I need only to be humble and walk in repentance, I may be hurt and exhausted but I can trust that none of this has been in vain. I will have learned from this and grown. I will look back and be thankful. Just as I have so many times in the past.
This may have made little sense. I know it may be jumbled and unorganized. It is 2am and I am simply trying to write out my thoughts. I just need to remember this moment. The moment I finished crying my heart out; first out of hurt but ending in joy and hope. I need to remember this hurt but also this hope. I must never forget my hope in Christ.
