Melancholic Melody

Just a lost romantic lesbian

[skullmetalhead]

When you tell me you love me for the first time

Promise me you won't say it during s*x

I don't want our lips to part for a single second

Promise me you won't say it when we are drunk on Tequila and lime

When the salt has coated our mouths and I can taste it with every kiss we share

Promise me you won't say it when we are out for diner

Spending money we don't have and eating food too expensive for it's own good

Promise me you won't say it when I'm sleeping next to you

Unable to memorize the curl of your lips as you whisper it, too dark to see the tears on our faces

Promise me you won't say it on Valentine's day or any birthday

Don't ruin these things for me

When you tell me you love me for the first time

Make it mundane, uneventful

Make it feel like we have been saying it for 1 000 years

Because when you'll stop saying it

I don't wanna be reminded of that everytime I'm kissing someone new or everytime I smell your parfum

Don't taint my life with your love if you plan to leave

[skullmetalhead]

I didn’t think you could break everything like that.

Like... We didn’t betray each other, we didn’t lie, we just... Missed each other, and that was enough. But before all that... There was us.

I still remember the first time I saw you. I was standing at your door, not really knowing why. And then you appeared I flinched. Like my body understood before I did that my heart had just dropped, hard. Like... "Oh. It’s you."

I remember our looks, the moments where we didn’t say anything, because we didn’t need to. Just looking at each other, and understanding. Like we could read straight into each other’s souls. And in those moments, nothing was complicated.

Just us.

And that was enough.

And I remember too how you always used to say, "We should do something together", all the time. At first I thought it was cute, and then it became a joke between us, a running gag.

And now I think about it, and it hits me. Like we had all these moments that didn’t exist yet, and we never let them exist.

And now there’s my apartment, empty. So empty it echoes. It’s funny, because I always complained that it was too small. But now it feels huge. Too big for me alone.

The silence is heavy, like it weighs something. And there’s nothing left to break it, no controller sounds, no you beside me, no you at all. Just me and everything I thought we were going to be.

I still see you in the living room, controller in your hands, and me next to you trying to be okay with it. Trying to convince myself, "It’s chill, we’re still together." But I was lying to myself a little. Because I wanted you for real. Not just beside me, not just in the background, I wanted your attention, your arms, your eyes on me. Not like I was an option after a game.

And I regret not telling you I needed you. I regret how it came out, the timing, the tone, the words that slipped too far... The way it turned into a fight instead of bringing us closer. I didn’t want to fight you, I wanted to get closer... and I think you didn’t see that.

I still want you, and it hurts to admit it. Not in a way where I depend on you but in the sense that I feel like there was something between us that wasn’t finished, not clean, not understood, not healed.

We talk a lot about independent relationships like that’s the goal. Don’t ask for too much, don’t disturb, don’t need too much. But I don’t think love is about being alone together. I think love is learning to be vulnerable without being pushed away.

And yeah, I’m not perfect at that. But I’m willing to learn. I can become better. Not to be someone else but to be more aware. Someone who speaks better, listens better, panics less when it hurts.

But I don’t want to do that alone. I wanted to do it with you. Because I still think that being with someone is how you heal certain things. Not by running away, not by leaving as soon as it gets uncomfortable but by staying and understanding.

I’m not asking you to come back out of pity. I’m asking you to think about us about what it could be if we stopped missing each other and actually tried.

Not perfect. Just honest. Because despite everything the fight, the words, the ending I never stopped choosing you.

And it breaks me, because when I close my eyes, all I see is the first time I saw you... and I think maybe we didn’t deserve to end like this.

[skullmetalhead]

J’pensais pas qu’on pouvait tout casser de même.

Genre, on s’est pas trahies, on s’est pas menti, on s’est juste... manquées, pis ça a suffi. Mais avant tout ça... Y’avait nous.

Je me souviens encore la première fois que j’t’ai vue. J’étais devant ta porte, sans vraiment savoir pourquoi. Pis t’es apparue, j'ai fait le saut. Comme si mon corps avait compris avant moi que mon cœur est tombé à terre, sec. Genre... "Ah, c’est toi".

J’me rappelle de nos regards, les moments où on se disait rien, parce qu’on avait rien besoin de se dire. Juste se regarder, pis comprendre. Comme si on lisait direct dans l’âme de l’autre. Pis dans ces moments-là, y’avait rien de compliqué.

Juste nous.

Pis ça suffisait.

Pis j’me rappelle aussi, comment tu disais toujours "On devrait faire quelque chose ensemble", tout le temps. Au début, j’trouvais ça cute, pis après, c'est devenu une joke entre nous, un running gag.

Pis maintenant, j'y pense, pis ça me fait quelque chose. Comme si on avait plein de moments qui existaient pas encore, pis qu’on les a jamais laissés exister.

Pis là, y'a mon appart, vide. Tellement vide que ça résonne. Pis c’est drôle, parce que j’me suis toujours plaint qu’il était trop petit. Mais là, y’est rendu immense. Trop grand pour moi toute seule.

Le silence est lourd, genre il pèse. Pis y’a plus rien pour le casser, pas de bruit de manette, pas ta présence à côté, pas toi, juste moi pis tout ce que j’pensais qu’on allait être.

J’te vois encore dans le salon, la manette dans les mains, pis moi à côté qui essayait d’être correcte avec ça. De me convaincre que "C’est chill, on est ensemble pareil". Mais j’mentais un peu à moi-même. Parce que moi, j'te voulais pour vrai. Pas juste à côté, pas juste en background, j’voulais ton attention, tes bras, ton regard sur moi. Pas comme si j’étais une option après une game.

Pis j’regrette de pas t’avoir dit que j’avais besoin de toi, j'regrette comment ça a sorti, j'regrette le moment, le ton, les mots qui ont dépassé... Le fait que ça a viré en chicane au lieu de devenir un rapprochement. J’voulais pas me battre contre toi, j’voulais me rapprocher... Pis j’pense que t’as pas vu ça..

J’te veux encore, pis ça me fait mal de l’admettre, pas dans le sens de dépendre de toi. Mais dans le sens que je sens qu'il y a quelque chose entre nous qui était pas fini, pas clean, pas compris, pas guéri.

On parle souvent de relations "indépendantes" comme si c’était ça le but. Pas trop demander, pas trop déranger, pas trop avoir besoin. Mais moi j’pense pas que l’amour c’est être seule à deux. J’pense que l’amour c’est apprendre à être vulnérable sans se faire repousser.

Pis ouais, j’suis pas parfaite là-dedans, mais j’suis prête à apprendre. J'peux devenir meilleure. Pas pour être quelqu’un d’autre, mais pour être quelqu’un de plus consciente. Quelqu’un qui parle mieux, qui écoute mieux, qui panique moins quand ça fait mal.

Mais j’veux pas faire ça toute seule, j'voulais le faire avec toi, parce que j’pense encore que c’est en étant avec quelqu’un qu’on peut guérir certaines affaires. Pas en se fuyant, pas en partant dès que c’est inconfortable, mais en restant pis en comprenant.

J’te demande pas de revenir par pitié, j’te demande de repenser à nous, à ce que ça pourrait être si on arrêtait de se manquer pis qu’on essayait pour vrai.

Pas parfait, juste honnête. Parce que malgré tout, malgré la chicane, malgré les mots, malgré la fin, moi, j’ai jamais arrêté de te choisir.

Pis ça me brise, parce que quand j’ferme les yeux, j’revois juste la première fois que j’t’ai vue, pis j’me dis que peut-être on méritait pas de finir comme ça...

[skullmetalhead]

It’s funny how we called it love, but built it like independence.

Like "you do you", "I’ll do me". And somehow that was supposed to be enough. But I didn’t want space all the time.

I wanted you. Like… actually you. Not just your body next to mine while your mind was somewhere else.

Headset on, eyes locked on a screen, laughing at things I wasn’t part of and I sat there, next to you feeling stupid for wanting something so simple.

Like "hey… can we just be close for a bit?". And somehow that made me immature.

Funny how that works, how asking for love sounds like too much to someone who’s already somewhere else.

You said being next to each other was “time together”. But I swear, I’ve never felt more alone than right beside you.

I learned that you can touch someone and still feel miles away.

I learned that independence in love can turn into distance real quick, if only one person is reaching and I was reaching.

Quietly.

Softly.

Trying not to ask for too much, shrinking my needs so you wouldn’t leave.

But you did anyway.

Not after a big betrayal, not after something dramatic, just… Because I wanted us a little more than you did.

And now it’s quiet, in a way that hurts different.

No game sounds, no tension, no waiting for you to notice me... Just me and all the things I didn’t say because I was trying to be "easy".

I thought love was supposed to feel like choosing each other, but with you, it felt like I had to earn it, or stay quiet enough to keep it.

And maybe that’s the part that breaks me the most, not losing you, but realizing I was already losing myself trying to keep you.

[skullmetalhead]

I'm trying to say this without it turning into a fight, because it always does, somehow

And I swear that’s never what I want

I don’t want to cage you, I don’t want to shrink your world or make you feel like loving me means losing parts of yourself

I like that you have a life, I like that you go places, that you have people, history, somewhere that feels like home

I’m not trying to take that away

But where do I fit in all that?

Because sometimes it feels like I exist in the spaces that are left over, like I’m something you come back to, not something you build with, and maybe that’s not fair, maybe that’s just fear talking, but it’s loud lately

Especially knowing that soon, you’ll be three hours away and weekends won’t just be “I'll see you later”

They’ll be distance, time and effort

And I keep wondering if I’m the only one already feeling that weight

You say we both have our own lives and i get it, I really do, but I don’t deserve a love that only fits when everything else is already done

I want something that makes space, not just fills it, I want to feel chosen, not convenient

I don’t need all your time, I’m not asking for that, I just need to know that somewhere in your plans, in your choices, in your “I could go there or stay here” moments, there’s a part of you that thinks of me and chooses us

Not out of obligation, not because I asked, but because you want to

Because right now, I'm trying so hard to not feel like I’m asking for too much, when all I really want is to feel like I matter in the same way you matter to me

And I don’t know how to say that without it sounding like pressure, so I’m just saying it like this

Soft

Honest

A little scared

But real

[skullmetalhead]

I wish I never met you.

You ruined love for me. You set the bar too high.

How am I meant to find someone new now?

If it was a shitty relationship, I can write you off as an asshole.

Because it was genuine, I'm afraid I'll never find that again.

I mean, it hurted when you left.

And I just haven't been able to let anyone else in.

I think I'm afraid of being hurt again.

But you know what that does, it turns into you hurting yourself by depriving myself of new experiences, which leads to growth.

You don't just fell off a bike and say "f*ck bikes", you try again.

But it's terrifying.

Love is awesome because it is scary.

The thrill comes from the fear.

Just don't try to recreate our relationship with someone new.

Let it die with the dignity it deserves.

You were an amazing girlfriend.

I'm really happy I met you

[skullmetalhead]

I don’t wish I never met you.

I wish you hadn’t come back just to remind me how easy it is for you to touch a wound that never closed.

You didn’t ruin love for me.

You cheapened it.

You taught me how someone can sound sincere and still choose convenience.

What hurts isn’t that you left.

It’s that you returned, without honesty, without courage, without regard for the damage you reopened.

You say what we had was real.

Maybe.

But real things don’t get hidden, real things don’t live in silence while you sleep next to someone else and let me carry the weight alone.

You didn’t set the bar high.

You showed me how low it drops when someone wants comfort without responsibility.

I wasn’t afraid of love.

I was afraid of being fooled again by someone who knows my soft spots and still presses on them.

You talk about growth.

But growth doesn’t come from lying to yourself and calling it peace.

And no, I won't be trying to recreate us.

I’m trying to forget how easily I accepted less than I deserved.

Let this end, not with dignity — but with truth.

[skullmetalhead]

I didn’t need you to say you loved me if you weren’t going to stay

You could’ve kept it to yourself, let me keep healing

Let me forget the sound of your voice without reopening everything

But you came back anyway, with soft words and familiar timing

Like you didn’t know exactly what it would do to me

You said you love me while choosing someone else, like love is something you can hand out without responsibility

Do you know how cruel that feels to be told I matter by someone who won’t pick me

You get to walk away with your life still intact

Your relationship, your safety, your comfort

And I'm left here, picking up feelings you dropped, trying to convince myself that I wasn’t just used to feel less lonely

I keep wondering if you ever thought about me after you sent that message

Or if you felt relieved once it was off your chest

Because for you, it was honesty, closure, maybe even growth

For me, it was a wound reopening, a reminder that I'm still soft in all the places you touched

You say you’re not in the right headspace, but you were clear enough to reach for me when it suited you

You were brave enough to say you love me

But not brave enough to choose me

And that’s what hurts the most, not that you’re confused, not that you’re scared, but that you let me bleed so you wouldn’t have to sit with your own discomfort

I don’t hate you, but I’m angry

Because I deserved better than this

I deserved either your whole heart or your absence, not this

Half-love, half-truth, half-choice

I’m so tired of being strong about it, tired of pretending this didn’t break me

Tired of being the understanding one while I'm the only one hurting

You say you didn’t want to hurt me, but you did

And now I have to carry it, alone

[skullmetalhead]

I keep telling myself this doesn’t hurt that much, but my body knows better, my chest tightens before my brain can lie

Every time someone says they want me there’s already someone else in the picture

A girlfriend, a history

A reason why I’ll have to wait

And I wait God, I always wait, like love is something I have to earn by being patient, quiet and understanding

I let myself become small so I don’t scare anyone away

I accept half-truths because the truth might mean losing her entirely

You say you care but your life is already chosen, I’m just the feeling you come back to when your relationship feel empty

I wasn't your first choice, I'm a place you breathe before going back to the story you already picked

But she came back, with her familiar voice, with promises that sounded like home and still there is another girl sleeping beside her

She told me to trust her, she told me to wait, she told me she’d leave and I believed her because loving her was easier than letting go

I became the secret again, the hidden softness, the thing she touched in the dark and denied in the light

And that humiliation sticks, it settles in my bones, like proof that no matter how deeply I’m felt, I am still replaceable

I don’t understand how I can be this wanted and this abandoned at the same time

I don’t understand how people can hold me, kiss me, look at me like I matter and still walk away

Sometimes I wonder if there’s something broken in me, something that only attracts people who don’t want to choose

Because I am always the almost

The “if things were different”

The “I wish I had met you first”

The love that arrives too late

And I’m so angry at everyone who took pieces of me without ever intending to stay, without ever planning to carry the weight of me

But I’m also angry at myself, for staying when it hurt, for hoping when it was obvious, for mistaking longing for love

I’m tired of being someone’s escape, I want to be someone’s home

I want to be chosen, without overlap, without secrecy, without having to compete with someone who was there first

Because I can’t keep doing this, I can’t keep loving like this, I can’t keep breaking myself just to feel close to someone

I deserve more, even if believing that still hurts

[skullmetalhead]

I want to love you but it feels like stepping into fire barefoot, like every inch closer to you is another blister waiting to burst

And yet I keep moving forward because the heat feels better than the cold and I'm so tired of freezing alone

My chest won’t stop rattling like a locked door in a storm, I’m pounding from the inside, begging myself to open, but I’m terrified of what happens when someone actually walks in

What if they don’t like the mess? what if they never come back?

And god, the way you look at me, it’s unbearable

Like you see a version of me i don’t even believe in

Like you’re already holding the fragile parts in your hands

But i can’t let you, i can’t

Because once you drop me, i’ll shatter into a million pieces and no one will ever put me back together again

I want to scream yes

I want to scream stay

I want to throw myself into the hunger of it

But my fear keeps dragging me back,

Nails in the dirt, skin raw,

And I'm choking on the truth

I’m not scared of you, I'm scared of love itself

Because it always feels like a promise written in smoke

And still

Still

I ache for it like oxygen

Even if it kills me

[skullmetalhead]

I remember your hands, the way they fit like a map on my skin, how I memorized every line, every scar, every curve.

I remember the nights we stayed up talking, the fights that burned too hot, the laughter that made the world pause.

I remember the ache when we parted, how it left a hollow I tried to fill with anything, with nothing, with myself.

And now she is here, her eyes soft like sunlight through leaves, her smile carrying a warmth I didn’t know I could feel again.

I want to reach for her, to step fully into something new, to believe that maybe I can be light without guilt.

But you are still here, your ghost pressed against my chest, whispering in the spaces between breaths, in the quiet of my thoughts.

I taste your name on my lips, feel the pull of old love that wasn’t clean, that wasn’t simple, that left me raw and wanting more.

I want to run to her, but I am stuck in a storm I built with you, a storm that isn’t finished, that won’t be finished, that might never be finished.

I think about the future, about holding her hand, about seeing her laugh across a crowded room,

but then I remember your voice, soft and sharp, calling me back to memories I swore I’d left behind.

I want to be honest, to open fully, to trust again, but part of me is still curled up in the shadow of us.

I want to love her without the ache, without the comparison, without the haunting echoes of what we had.

And yet, I feel it—the pull of the familiar, the rush of the new,

a tide that drags me under and lifts me up all at once.

I want both, I want none, I want to disappear into the middle and just feel everything without choosing.

I feel guilty for the excitement she brings, for the flutter in my chest when she texts,

for the possibility of joy that feels like betrayal to the love I carry still.

I imagine her hand brushing mine, the soft warmth of her fingers,

and then I imagine you, our bodies close, the fire between us unextinguished, untamable.

I am torn, stretched, split between then and now, between history and hope.

Every memory of you is a thread, every smile from her a spark,

and I am weaving them together unwillingly, clumsily, painfully.

I wonder if this is how it always is—if love never truly lets go, if new love is always haunted, if hearts are never clean.

I ache for what we had, I ache for what I might have with her,

and I ache for myself, for wanting both, for not being able to just be satisfied, for feeling everything at once.

I feel the weight of years, the sweetness of now, the uncertainty of tomorrow.

I do not know which way to turn, which heart to trust, which desire to follow.

I remember your laugh, your anger, your softness, your sharp edges.

I remember the way I felt alive and broken all at once with you.

I remember thinking nothing could ever be as intense, as real, as terrifying.

And now she is here, gentle and steady, and I want to trust her,

but my chest is full of ghosts, full of fire, full of old songs I can’t stop singing.

I wonder if she will wait while I untangle myself, if I will ever untangle myself,

if I am allowed to want both, if wanting both is wrong, if love is supposed to hurt this much.

I am tired, I am awake, I am craving, I am scared.

I want to step fully into the new, but I am afraid of leaving the old unfinished,

afraid of the silence that will come when I choose, afraid of hurting, afraid of missing, afraid of losing.

I feel my heart in pieces, pieces that belong to her, pieces that belong to you, pieces that belong only to me.

I breathe in the chaos, I exhale the ache, I feel the pulse of everything beating at once.

I am not lost, I am not found, I am suspended, floating between fire and light, between shadow and warmth.

I want to fall, I want to soar, I want to be brave, I want to run, I want to hold, I want to let go.

I am alive in the ache, alive in the pull, alive in the confusion, alive in the storm, alive.

And I know, somehow, that the storm will not end today, that the ache will not end today, that the pull will not end today.

But I am here, feeling, loving, breaking, hoping, existing in the tangle of now.

I am torn, I am messy, I am human, I am heart, I am fire, I am light, I am shadow.

And fuck I'm lost.

[skullmetalhead]

I met you once, and it was enough to tilt my world a little,

Like sunlight slipping through branches, unexpected, yet so natural.

Your smile, the kind that lingers, warm as a hearth after the fire’s gone quiet,

Makes me forget how far three hours on a map can feel.

Short brown strands catch the wind, just long enough to gather in a ponytail,

But I think they belong untamed, framing the hazel-green glow of your eyes,

Noisette, soft, alive, like the forest floor after rain.

You speak, and it’s easy.

The air bends gentle around your words and even the silence feels comfortable, a place I want to rest in.

I know shadows follow you, as they follow all of us,

Yet even in the quiet weight of them, I see the good heart beating steady, braver than you realize.

You love creatures others overlook:

The flutter of wings, the patience of bugs,

The wildness of fur and leaf and somehow, I think,

That love says more about you than any story ever could.

I was intimidated at first, but now I only see soft,

Soft as a smile,

Soft as kindness,

Soft as something I can’t stop reaching toward.

Three hours away,

But already closer than I expected.

[skullmetalhead]

I wasn’t loud,

I didn’t ask for more than you could give,

I kept it soft, light, cautious, like someone walking barefoot in a place where people vanish.

I never begged, never flooded your phone, never demanded a thing except, maybe a little space in your world.

But even that was too much, wasn’t it?

You left me on read without reading and that says everything.

Because you didn’t even need to see my words to decide you didn’t want them.

I watched you go on with your day, posting stories, showing up for everyone else, while my name just sat there.

Quiet and blinking, waiting for a sign that never came.

I told myself you were busy, told myself not to panic, told myself to be patient.

But my heart was already unraveling, thread by thread, every time I checked and saw nothing.

I thought there was something, not huge, not perfect, but real.

I liked the way your eyes softened when you laughed, the way you talked about your child, your work, your chaos, like it all mattered, like you had roots and I thought maybe I could be safe there.

But now I see I was temporary, a passing warmth, a distraction, something nice until you remembered the cold again.

I keep replaying the last time we touched.

Wondering if you already knew that you’d leave me here in this silence and just didn’t tell me.

Maybe I was too easy to forget, too gentle to miss, too patient to be taken seriously.

I know we weren’t anything yet, I know you didn’t owe me forever.

But god, you could’ve at least answered.

You could’ve opened the door and told me you didn’t want me in.

Instead I sit with a message you won’t read and a heart that won’t shut up about you.

And I hate that, because I know this ache won’t matter to you, not now, not ever.

But it mattered to me, it still does.

[skullmetalhead]

I waited with my hands open, heart soft like rain soaked petals,

Hoping you’d reach back, not with a grand gesture, just anything.

A word, a look, a touch of kindness that said I was still on your mind.

Instead, you left my message sitting in a room, unread, like a letter slipped under a door you don’t want to open.

And still, I find myself watching the green dot beside your name, like it’s a lighthouse that might turn toward me again,

Though it never does.

You were light to me, not a flashy spark, but a warm kindling fire that made my chest believe in more.

Your eyes held stories, your laughter tangled itself in my ribs and the way you moved through chaos made me want to stay a while.

But now you’re quiet and in your silence, I’m loud with questions I don’t want answers to.

Because what if the answer is:

I was just a pause in your day?

What if you only noticed me because you had a moment to spare?

And I, I offered a piece of myself meant for someone who’d keep it.

I’m not mad.

I’m just tired of whispering into empty rooms, of thinking that maybe, if I’d been quieter, or louder, or less honest, you would’ve stayed.

You told me I mattered, but you said it with smiles and glances

None of it holds weight when the room is empty and my message sits unopened for hours, while your life stays public, flashing across a story I wasn’t invited to.

I know we’re not a love story.

Not yet.

Maybe never.

But I still deserved a little more than silence after letting you in.

You felt like a rare find, and maybe you are, but so am I.

And I won’t keep bleeding quietly for someone who won’t even read my name.

So if you come back, know that I loved softly,

And I waited kindly.

But I am not a door you can leave ajar forever.

I am not a standby heart.

I am a storm you don’t know how to weather.

I am a garden that grows with or without you.

And if you don’t want to water this with me,

Then watch me bloom anyway.

[skullmetalhead]

One day she says she bought new clothes for our date.

A small sentence with weight.

Like she was planning, like she was excited.

Like maybe she was into this, into me.

And I held that— like a fragile thing.

The next day, I ask her out again.

Nothing.

No no, no yes,

Just— a shift in topic, a curtain closed.

And then she sends me videos I’d like.

She knows.

Somehow, she knows the kind of things I’d laugh at,

The kind of songs that sit right in my chest.

She knows me, at least a little.

Enough to make it harder to let go.

Then she says, “Sorry, I spoke to my ex.”

Just like that.

No explanation.

No space for the way those words landed.

And I’m sitting here, trying to read a language she’s not teaching me.

What are we?

A maybe?

A curiosity?

A detour?

She’s a lighthouse that flickers— sometimes guiding,

Sometimes just reminding me how lost I already am.

And still, I stay looking.

Still, I try to decode her weather.

Warm,

Cold,

Bright,

Gone.

She’s a puzzle I want to solve,

Even if it leaves me missing pieces of myself.

[skullmetalhead]

She said she bought new clothes for our second date.

Smiled through the screen, like maybe she meant something more than the fabric.

Like maybe I meant something more than the evening.

But now, I ask about a third and she dodges the question like it’s a bullet, talks about her day, her dog, the weather.

I rewind her words like voicemail tape, trying to catch a note of want.

Was it ever there?

She’s warm in one moment— sunlight in text, soft laughter sent late.

Then, cold the next— frostbite silence that leaves me wondering if I dreamed the warmth.

I can’t tell if i’m reading too much, or if she’s writing a story I don’t get to read the ending of.

What am I to her?

A maybe?

A sometimes?

A pause between real things?

Because I was ready to write a chapter.

But she keeps handing me blank pages.

And still— I ask.

Still, I hope.

Still, I freeze

Waiting for her sun to turn my way again.

[skullmetalhead]

I don’t always feel pretty— not in the way she is.

She walks like she knows the world watches, and it probably does.

Me?

I show up half brave, half hoping no one notices that i’m trying.

After we met,

I told her she was beautiful— just… said it.

Because it was true

And because maybe I wanted her to see something beautiful in me too.

I waited— not for a thank you, but for something that would make the mirror hurt less.

For a softness that said I see you too.

But it never came.

And i felt it then, in the silence— that kind of invisible you only feel when you wish you were wanted.

She was all light, and i…

I was just hoping I could glow enough to stand beside her and not disappear.

[skullmetalhead]

She walked in like the universe had slipped up and dropped something perfect right under my eyes.

I noticed everything.

Too fast, too hard.

The way her shoes hit the floor like she belonged everywhere.

The little silver ring on her finger twisting it as she talked, like maybe she got nervous too.

Her eyes— Blue, but not just blue,

The kind of blue you only see in deep water when the light hits just right, like something ancient underneath is trying to speak.

And that tattoo, just under her chin,

A thick, clean line—almost delicate.

Like someone had drawn a secret right onto her skin and dared the world to ask what it meant.

She was laughing before she even said hello,

Life had never been kind to her,

But she learned how to laugh anyway

And I thought —God— How does someone like that exist?

Not just pretty— Unreal.

Like moonlight in a locked room, like something holy that accidentally wandered into my day.

I told her without thinking,

"You’re beautiful, amazing."

And I meant it like a confession, like something spilling out of my chest before I could press it back down.

She smiled, but didn’t say it back.

And something in me shrank a little.

But still, I watched her every word, every glance,

Like I was trying to memorize a story I already knew would end too soon.

I found myself staring, the kind of staring you do when something’s too good to be true and you’re waiting for it to shimmer away.

And she did.

Quietly, like it meant nothing.

No pause, no look back— just that kind of graceful exit.

Some people are born knowing how to do.

I stood there, with her name still warm in my mouth,

Like a song I wasn’t allowed to sing.

And it stung— not because she didn’t choose me,

But because for a second, I thought maybe she could.

She kept walking, eyes full of places I’d never be invited.

And me— I just stayed still,

Trying not to feel small,

Trying not to be seventeen kinds of foolish for falling in love with a moment that I'll never live again.