You've always been a connector
Holding entire worlds together with a common kindness
And lacking meaningful knowledge of any
Your compassion seeking no commiseration
Just an anxious people pleaser
A complex connector, coupling confidence and cowardice
A courageous connector, content with constant collision and a lack of continuity
Did I have much of a choice?
I admire you, it's very impressive
If only you saw behind the curtain
Yeah you, shut the fuck up. Not helping.
I'm just balancing out your naive optimism with some healthy skepticism
Healthy? You think this is healthy??
All you do is criticize and cast doubt. If you think this is "healthy skepticism" then you should probably be skeptical of your grasp on the English language
...You gonna say something??
Ah, finally, some fucking silence in here.
Gotta say, it's really nice up here without you.
...I was just trying to help
By causing me to overthink every single fucking decision I make in my life? Wow thanks a ton, very fucking helpful.
Shut the fuck up, not listening to you
You don't have to be THAT harsh
After all you've done to me?? You have some guts to say that. Now shut up and fuck off.
So you know how it feels, and yet you insist on doing it back?
This pretentious "poem" was supposed to end a couple lines ago, with my line.
We could've just ended it up there and left it up to the reader, if you have any that is. We could've just moved on and we could've kept writing more mediocre "poetry" that's really just you complaining, with your line breaks and occasional rhymes because that's what you think poetry is. And then it just gets buried in the noise of the internet, and no one gets hurt, and you get your satisfaction of being an artist or whatever
Hey. Shut the fuck up. You're doing it again
You're not helping. This is why I-
And instead you decided to ruin everything by doing this meta self-aware thing that's been SO fucking overdone.
I mean seriously. Splintering off your inner critic and having a confrontational conversation with it as a metaphor for dealing with self doubt? How fucking original man. Let me guess, you were gonna have them fight, and then after a bit they discover they have a commonality about "wanting to help" and then have them reconcile in the end circling back to the "connector" thing you were writing about in the start? And then your inner critic learns a lesson and never says anything again and you live happily ever after? Do they hug it out at the end too? I mean I knew you were naive but jeez man, that's so painfully unrealistic, it's laughable. That's not how the real world works. That's not how you and I work. You know that, but you're not ready to face it yet. So you dumb it down into a cute little contained story and put a bow on it so you can actually understand it
I mean you don't even have an internal monologue, all of this is for dramatic effect, all a performance at the end of the day. Who do you think is gonna clap for you? And you don't even get paid for it, what a waste of your time. If you were a truly good person you'd spend this time volunteering, or working, so you can donate your money to charity. But instead you choose to do this.
Aaaand right about now you're probably patting yourself on the back now because of how profound you think this is. And now you're imagining the praise you could get by putting this ramble into the world, that praise you crave so badly. And by making it so self-aware and self-critical so you can brag about how it's postmodern or whatever when you and I both know it's just a cheap way to shield yourself from any criticism. Because if you criticize yourself first, then no one can hurt you because you "already knew that" Right?? Right?? Am I wrong???
Hey, people need hobbies and rest, man. I need hobbies and rest. Your logic doesn't make sense. So the most virtuous thing to do would be to overwork myself into dust and donate all my wages and die young?
And the second part?? What's your rebuttal??? Please tell us all so we at least learn something from reading this long, cynical, depressing thing, when we could've been going outside, or watching a funny video, or reading things we actually enjoyed, something actually valuable. And, this is assuming people are still reading at this point, ha.
I don't have an answer for you right now.
And honestly, I don't think I'll ever have one that will satisfy you.
And I think that's okay. I don't think I need one.
I enjoy writing, so even if no one reads it, it'll have made me happier. And that's enough. I don't need to meet your expectations, I don't need to impress anyone, I don't need anyone's praise, even if I would enjoy it, even if I crave it.
And as I was writing and rereading this, I've discovered some things about myself, so I'm proud of myself for that.
And you're right, it's a lot more complex than a neat and concise story of learning a lesson, and we probably can't reconcile through a single conversation and live happily ever after. If it was that easy then people wouldn't struggle with this so much.
But I'm willing to try with you, and I know you're willing to try with me. And this metaphor kind of falls apart here but that's okay.
And I think I was a little harsh on you earlier, I'm sorry. I'll let you have your space, and let you talk. Because you're as much a part of me as I am. I apologize for trying to entirely silence you.
I can't guarantee that I'll listen to your advice, (at all, or ever to be very honest, you're not the most charming person to channel) but trying to suppress anything you say isn't realistic, and it's tiring for me to do too.
And I do appreciate you keeping me in check sometimes, because I can and do get ahead of myself a bit sometimes. So thank you for that.
I guess I'll just have to live with you, and you'll have to live with me.
And you know what? It could be worse.
Now, I don't have a nice way to tie this all together here in the end, and I do feel a bit cornered by myself. Because if I were to circle back to the "connector" thing here then it'd be kind of cliché wouldn't it?
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