sleeping in the lobby…

[sleepinginthelobby]

am i the demon for taking a break? for being so consumed by love for you that you are all i think about and it hurts. and i dont want anything to do with you that hurts, but i cant stand to be with you.

[sleepinginthelobby]

is that bad?

somehow, when you do not respond, my desperate brain creates stories for me to tell you. i sit there and imagine what your response would be to things i could never tell you.

i think i am trying to fill the space between us, because if i do not say anything, you will keep moving farther and farther away, until the forces of attraction between us disappear, leaving you to move forward and me to follow from a reasonable distance.

i feel my knees sting from begging you to think of me.

"please talk to me more" is what i want to plead. if i do, you will. i know this. but it will not be because my image crosses your mind, or because a song reminded me of you, or because you see my significant being in some mundane, insignificant thing. it will be because you have been told. you have been reminded that i am here, that i want your love, and if you give me the bare minimum your reward is all of me and everything else i can give you.

i would fight the world for you. every single person, animal, force of nature. everything, i would take head on in an instant. except you. i will not fight you to let me love you.

[champagnev3nus]

i’d hold you

above

rough waters

if you

held my

head up

to breathe

calm air

tonight

i’m unsure

weary

i’ll lose

you

-v.o

[sleepinginthelobby]

the public cult

show me the individual beams,

the ones that hold you

from every part of your body

and your mind and your soul too.

display me the disciples

of Narcissus and his opposers.

those who dried up, or withered away,

and show me what brought them closer.

both a cult of excess,

a mass ascension,

hedonistic youth praise liars,

and feed on internal tension.

i am you, says one.

and the other will not respond.

as they would repeat.

this is the bond.

i am you. but i hate

being you and life

is nothing and we

are everything

i want to be life

and everything.

[sleepinginthelobby]

you know

some days i just wish i hadn’t been born this young.

i wish i was born with a lover, a life, car.

i wish i was born with a certain freedom,

not the rights i’m given now but true unbridled freedom.

love and happiness, and melancholy and anxiety. true freedom of expression.

instead, i’m doomed to spend forever chasing, growing old and experiencing all my wrinkles and folds.

[sleepinginthelobby]

rant post 2:

ik that high school is so melodramatic and likenothjng in it is important in the long run, but i just want an experience. like i just want to feel free and happy and not be so stressed out. i want to be surrounded by people that make me happy and don’t have me second guessing my own actions. like wtf.

[sleepinginthelobby]

rant

rant post:

if i think about it too long i start crying. i know that no matter what, my future relationship will never be fully accepted. my own mother was dead silent the first time i told her i like girls, and aggressively shut me down the second time. she would say that im too young to be able to "understand" these things about myself. i wanted to tell her to go fuck herself. im a child, yes, but that doesn't mean i cant know things about myself. i like girls. i want to date a girl. I WANT TO DATE A GIRL. im going to marry one, someday. my dad keeps saying to give her time, but how much time? i dont think he realizes that this hurts me so fucking much. i cant tell her about crushes or anything. and i love my dad, i do, but my relationship with him is just not the same as my moms. knowing that she won't talk to me about these things hurts so fucking much. for a couple weeks, i was so worried i had lost everything with her. even know, some days it feels so strained to be around her. why wasnt i straight. why wasnt i something that she could easily accept?

[sleepinginthelobby]

typical love

i dont want a special type of love

i dont want something that no one else has because i want what everyone else has

i want deep text convos and awkward face to face interactions

i want us silently pressing our bodies together in my bed or on your couch while we pretend to watch tv when we're both acutely aware of every movement, every sound, every hint of life the other one makes

i want our friends to tease us when we go out, making fun of our touches

i want my mom to invite you to dinner once or twice, and ask what you want to do in the future

i want to put a heart next to your name in my phone

i want and i want and i want but i never know how to get

[sleepinginthelobby]

im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry

please make it alright, please make it okay, im so sorry

it won't happen again i swear im sorry im sorry

i know its not good enough but im sorry im so sorry

please just fix it because i cant

~ mother and daughter

[sleepinginthelobby]

dreams

at night i lay in my bed in the dark, alone surrounded by family.

'i don't dream' i tell people. 'i simply fade into darkness and jump to reality when needed'

this is a lie..

i dream, but not once i am gone from this time. i dream when i am here, alive and conscious, able to manipulate and control my dreams.

i dream of another, with beautiful features and a kind hand, sitting with me, laying with me, living with me.

i dream of my mother, loving me without a care in the world.

i dream of myself, wasting away and yet, filled with happiness.

because if i don't dream before, i will have nightmares after.

[sleepinginthelobby]

art piece

and she's lying under the covers sobbing her heart out because she read something that broke her or maybe she saw one of those art pieces about a lost loved one

she's panting and her chest can hardly keep up with her emotions,

up

down

up

up

down

she is dying

this is the most alive she has felt in a while

and all this time, beside her, under the covers,

lies her own art piece, unfinished, not yet ready for the public eye

her art piece will be shown eventually, but for now, she comforts her lover

[sleepinginthelobby]

i know theyre lying.

i can see it in their eyes when they tell me that i'm already thin and that my stomach doesn't protrude from my body in the way i think it does.

theyre lying when they say that no one cares about how my body looks.

theyre lying when they say that its okay to have a few extra pounds.

and i know theyre lying and i know theyre not.

my head has a voice that is bittersweet. some days it praises me for the things i dont do.

these days it tells me that theyre lying. and i know that theyre not. but the voice tells me they are.

and i dont know who to believe; me or me?

[sleepinginthelobby]

TW: mentions of ED + weight

woke up this morning and i weighed 103 pounds. two months ago i was pushing 120. i’m both happy and sad because i know i’m not healthy but seeing those numbers makes me so happy.

[sleepinginthelobby]

somedays i think about throwing myself into the ocean and never returning. letting my humanly fragile body dissolve into algae. other days, i think about how beautifully heartbreaking it would be to have a few precious seconds of flight as your last moments. i want to know how it feels to fall asleep knowing you will never wake up; do you dream? and yet, other days i wish for my body to be a gorgeous wreck, covered in strips of red lace and my heart poured out on a letter.

[thefallenauthor-deactivated2023]

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."

-Oscar Wilde

[sleepinginthelobby]

i want you to live for me

[sleepinginthelobby]

what is love, if not something to be thrown around? what is love, if not something to be shown to everyone and everything? 'i love you' must have little importance so that you toss it like a scrap of paper on the floor. if humans truly believed and understood the gravity of love, we would never speak it; as such, we are better off leaving it an extraneous little phrase

[sleepinginthelobby]

i thought it was a love story.

The day we met, I thought, “Wow. This is the start of my favorite love story.”

But by the next chapter, I realized it wasn’t a love story at all.

“I love you” texts at 12am. We spent the night talking, he must like me.

Wrong. His mind was filled with anything and everything but you; you only entered once everyone else was offline and gone.

“Let’s sit next to each other in class, okay?” He wants to be with me instead of his friends. Isn’t that romantic?

Wrong again. He spends the entirety of class wishing he was with his friends, but his parents were mad about his grades and you were all too easy to cheat off of.

“I think you’re so hot, and I wished I had kissed you when the lights were off.” We’ll last forever. Maybe he’s my soulmate?

Wrong. He wants to brag to his friends about kissing a girl; he could care less if that girl was you or someone else.

“You make me so happy, I don’t know what I would do without you.” I am his world. He loves me.

He has severe ADHD and will kill himself if you leave him.