Carrying On. @sleeplessinseattleinfite - Tumblr Blog

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Forgive yourself

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I just sit here and cry.

I’ve lost myself.

I’ve lost the sparkle. The drive. The love. The image.

I don’t know if I got married because I wanted to, if I knew this was forever, if it was just crossing new chapters off a list, or if he really did love me.

I don’t know if he even enjoys my presence anymore. We don’t talk. I glance your way and all you see are screens. You don’t ask questions about my life or try to hear me. I cry myself to sleep and the only love I feel is from our dog.

Work hasn’t been the same. Apparently, I wasn’t offered certain accommodations due to my performance. Which I don’t think is a true reflection of my performance. Since that information was through other people. Not something witnessed. I do know my jobs. I do know what to look for and how to help. That wasn’t something I was expecting to find out.

I am a women. Who wants kids. Who loves her job and loves her husband.

I guess.. you learn you can give and give and give. To only receive some. Gestures are amazing. I am thankful for them being grand.

But the everyday routine.. no help and then the weight of not knowing if he is okay.. has me not sleeping. I don’t even know if I am okay. But I can’t show it because I have to care for everyone else.

I don’t seen my parents. I don’t have the energy. I am burnt out all over the place. Home doesn’t give me peace. I can’t find peace. I can’t find my sparkle.

I can’t find me.

I have lost myself.

I have lost myself caring for everyone else.

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Today.

Loading the car with all the things to travel for a Super Bowl party.

Food. Dog food. Drinks.

Let the dog run a bit in the front yard with a break in the rain. Sun was starting to shine some. It was cool but comfortable.

Look over at Lu.

She’s sitting on the lawn facing west on the lawn. My eyes follow her attention.

I notice two newer black Chrysler vans at a neighboring home. Never seen them before.

Then I see it.

Two women loading one van with a soul. My heart sank.

You know you shouldn’t stare.

We are human. It wasn’t curiosity. It was empathy.

My heart aches for that family.

On Lunar new year.

On Super Bowl.

On the lords day.

I mean any day for that matter.

I heard she was lost for some time now. But to know she is at rest gave me some solice.

I pray for their passing. I pray for that family.

I want to make them food and leave it at the doorstep. But I didn’t know them. The family doesn’t even know me. But I ache for them.

Loss is loss.

All while I was loading the car to go see family with my little family.

Life is precious. Truly. The truth of the cycle is all around us and sometimes it can be even more present than you expect.

I crave being alone and home.

You hate being alone.

I wish you could see how much I sacrifice for us and I still choose to be there for you constantly. I put on a face that I am not in pain so I can help you process yours.

I am only home to sleep. Then I grind away everyday. My mind and body ache. But I still keep going. I go to bed late taking care of things. Set alarms for you so you can make it to work on time. I wake up early to help family with things before I go work the night shift. My schedule is not kind. But I keep going.

I can’t possibly ever show my pain. Yours only matters.