i periodically go through periods where i worry that i’m the one with some horrible personality disorder that i cant see or identify and so i read up on these disorders when i go through these periods and realize i definitely am fine (mostly, i mean i have issues but not the ones i’m afraid of..)
anyways so the point being i have dealt with several narcissistic personalities throughout my life and sometimes fear that i am one, but so the literature regarding these personalities implies that they’re consciously manipulating you/others/situations to their advantage, but i don’t know that that’s necessarily true. in other words, when dealing with these people, i’ve noticed that they tend to end up believing the stories they’re telling because they both prefer and need their version to be true, in order for their fragile self image and ego to remain in tact.
so i.e., one former friend of mine and i once got in a shouting match which culminated in her throwing a lemon at me, and then my freaking out (bc i was triggered lol) which resulted in me knocking a glass of water over. but within a day of this incident, my friend was telling me that i was the one who initially lashed out and threw water at her, and she merely threw the lemon in retaliation. i knew this wasn’t true both because i kept a journal, and because i ran outside and locked myself in my car and called a friend immediately afterwards and recounted the incident, but she didn’t believe it was true, and, i dont think, could accept it as being the accurate version of events. so i think this denial of reality is beyond an attempt to control the other, i think it’s also an attempt to reassure the self, and is perhaps happening on a subconscious level, with the end goal not being to exert control over the other, but to maintain the self image....
same deal with a more recent narcissist, who relentlessly pursued a sexual relationship despite several rebuffs from me. then, when i finally caved in and it quickly (im omitting a lot of context) fell apart, his story became that it was i who was obsessed with and pursuing him. again, i know this not to be true because of diaries and conversations i had with friends, but i don’t think he could handle the implications of it being his pursuit, and so it was something that he had to put onto me. the need to control the narrative here to maintain his self image was once again the primary motivation behind his rewriting of the history, not the conscious desire to control me.
i do think both of these people had a conscious desire to be in control, better, and always right, but the deeply unsettling thing about them wasn’t their domination, but the fact that they themselves seemed to believe in the alternate realities that they presented. in that these fictions were beyond a conscious attempt to control, and so they lack an awareness that their version of events is not the definitive version of events. put simply, they don’t think they’re lying, and if your memory doesn’t match theirs, it’s because you’re the one who is crazy and in denial
dailybridgerton
romaincrisis
pixelskylines
ellievsbear
baratheonpilled
tangentwithtanner
