I donāt use Tumblr very much (or really at all), anymore, but I had a nightmare last night about something that happened to me that I think I never fully processed.Ā
I had a close friend in high school who was a little socially awkward and didnāt date much. He expressed interest in me, but he also expressed interest in nearly every single one of my female friends (I think it was sort of a desperate times, desperate measures idea for him). Anyway, we stayed friends through college in NYC, less close as life happened but still met up, hung out, texted often.Ā
When I met and came out with my ex it was a really chaotic six months of will-we wonāt-we. It was mostly very happy and exciting times, but there were some less happy nights where I thoughtĀ āI just came out over how much I like this girl, is she about to not like me back?ā.Ā
On one rough night my friend offered to cheer me up with Chinese food & a breaking bad marathon. I went over to his apartment, ate, vented and we watched tv and drank beer late into the night.Ā
When it was time for bed we went to share his bed- something Iāve done with nearly all friends, him included. There were no implications or flirtations made, so it didnāt seem odd when in NYC space is sparse.
We fell asleep and I woke up around 4 or so AM to his hand slowly creeping down my belly and into my pants. At first I genuinely thought he was sleeping and didnāt even realize what was happening, but then his hand slipped into my underwear.Ā
Mortified I pulled away and sat up and he conveniently started very dramatic fake snoring and rolled over.Ā
I slipped out of bed, collected my things, and walked the 6+ miles back to my apartment in NYC in flip flops (Iāve since out grown wearing flip flops donāt worry). By the time I was almost home, my feet were bleeding all over. I wasnāt even sure why I had walked home. It felt super surreal. This was a guy I had known a decade, who I had traveled with, loved deeply. What did he think would happen?? That I would sleep through it? That it was like porn and Iād wake up with his hand inside me panting for more? That saying no to dates meant yes to literal assault?Ā
Anyway, I never addressed it with him. I removed him from social media and never answered his texts. Because I never told any of our mutual friends, several of them think I became this huge bitch who cut him out because I was too busy for him. It seems weird to tell them all otherwise. I havenāt seen most people from that group of friends since then, something I havenāt fulled reconciled with.Ā
Anyway, I donāt really think about that night a lot. I think about how pretty the walk home was- about how badly my feet hurt the last few blocks, about how I called my ex to tell her I had walked home and sort of why and how she helped me through it. How much I worried about making her into a knight in shinning armor.Ā
I saw him a couple of years ago at a mutual friendsā wedding. Him and his girlfriend were standoffish- and I honestly donāt know if itās because he resents me for ending our friendship or he thinks since it hasnāt been addressed it didnāt happen.
I donāt know why I felt like I needed to share this and talk about this, but dreaming about it was really exhausting, so I knew I had to do something.Ā
Ā I know Iām pretty lucky for what could have happened. I also know that wrapping my bloody toes for the next few weeks as I put them in my sneakers didnāt feel lucky at all.Ā
