here's to hoping

maybe I'm healthy, maybe I'm happy, maybe I don't know what those mean?

[smallpurplespade-blog]

Don’t you love it when you’re accused of constantly being out. It took me years to get to this point where I can leave the house, fuck off. You’re not even related to me, or my friends, you get no say.

[smallpurplespade-blog]

i could kill myself and it would be easier to live through than this fucking subject

[smallpurplespade-blog]

I’ve spent most of the past month in bed.

[smallpurplespade-blog]

my eldest relative is going to have a mental health assessment because they have anxiety and “have probably had it their whole life” but I’m not allowed to have an anxiety disorder because I’m too young to feel that and I have so many opportunities, well.

[smallpurplespade-blog]

Once upon a time I was emotionally abused to the point where I could barely talk openly, then in recovering I tried to talk to a friend who with the help of others stopped listening to me trying to heal after I listened to them for 4 years, once upon a time I can feel it happening again, I can barely talk about my feelings and when I do nobody cares. Once upon a time I started this blog as the only honest place. Once upon a time I wish I were dead.

[byesuggestion]

of course you got tired of me!!!! everyone gets!!!!!!!!!!

[smallpurplespade-blog]

i don’t know i mean crying all day has kind of become a hobby for me at this point

[raiikyuu-deactivated20150724]

me: *is replaced* me: hahaha thats ok as long as ur happy :) :) :) :) :)

[smallpurplespade-blog]

i think i’ll just stay in the closet that bit more, this world isn’t safe and i feel like a liminal plane, pretending to be straight, hiding sexuality (and gender) meanwhile.

it’s becoming quite disconnecting tbh

[smallpurplespade-blog]

every now and again i’m reminded that my psychologist gave up on me, like she gave up on me without a word, just stopped replying to the doctors and to emails.

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i’m always cold, let’s get this straight, but sometimes my fingers go red and swell up and become warm, so idk wtf is up

[smallpurplespade-blog]

should also add that the redness fluctuates lol

[smallpurplespade-blog]

i’m always cold, let’s get this straight, but sometimes my fingers go red and swell up and become warm, so idk wtf is up

[smallpurplespade-blog]

shout out to my great aunt and grandfather who’ve shared their mental illnesses with me, thanks guys!!!!!!!! aren’t genetics a charm???? edfghj

[smallpurplespade-blog]

get angry until you disassociate until you go numb until you don’t care until you get high until you’re okay until you get angry again and repeat.

[smallpurplespade-blog]

i heard a door in the part of the house i don’t enter click, and freaked the fuck out and had to tell someone. we work out that there is someone out there, my fucking brother, and i just cry.

i don’t know what scares me so much there, just this end of the house, i can’t do it and there’s no clear reason why

[smallpurplespade-blog]

i get cold way too easy so i take hot showers to compensate, and then end up feeling dizzy and shaky afterwards, what is this life i lead

[expressivedepressive]

The problem with suicidal thoughts is that they’re not just there when your sad. You’ll be there, chillin, reading a book or talking to a friend and you’ll think ‘This is nice. But do you know what would be better? Death.’

[after-crisis]

@lumos-vs-nox   This is referred to as “mild suicidal ideation“ or the desire for suicide without substantial action behind it. It often happens when someone deals with prolonged mental health issues and suicidality at a young age. When you’re young, we go through a period where our neural pathways completely rearrange- the things that happen to us at that time will influence these changes. In a way, suicidal ideation becomes an ingrained coping mechanism. A sort of “well at least suicide is always there for me”. Your brain is part-muscle, it remembers things, it learns, it’s super great at adapting, this is just a reflex. It doesn’t mean you are weak, it doesn’t mean you aren’t in recovery.

thank you for posting this, you turned a feeling many people have into words!